Posts by pier - page 2

pier

Nov 16, 2017

Writing Feedback / A significant fall in the proportion of production of energy from coal in four European countries [4]

Ridho, here are some recommendations that might be helpful:
It was better if you provided us with the full task prompt. Apart from that, you wrote below the required word count number which is 150.

In your first paragraph, your summary of overall trend is actually a detail. I think you missed the fact that all countries reduced the amount of energy they produced from coal.

I am not sure about the prompt but the graph presumably shows an intentional reduction or increase in using coal so using verbs like "fall", "rose" might not be appropriate without showing that the country itself increased or decreased it. For example:

Denmark stood .... fell sharply to 10% in 2010. -> Denmark produced 60% of its energy from coal in 1995 but reduced it to 10% in 2010.
However, Sweden ... over last 6 years at 28%, ... -> However, Sweden maintained its production level over last 6 years just below 30%
So you have to choose a suitable tone for each graph.

pier

Nov 16, 2017

Scholarship / Addressing the problem of 21st century Pakistan. [3]

Ghana, the next to last paragraph supposed to explain either some action you had done or a situation where you learned more about the issue. Therefore, I think this paragraph is not an answer to the second part of the prompt.

In the last paragraph, you can present your last suggestion as founding a "cultural campaign".
Hope it is helpful.

pier

Nov 16, 2017

Graduate / Personal statement to Brunel University. Engineering's resources and programs fit to my career goals [5]

Nimo, your writing is odd. The purpose of each paragraph is understandable as a whole but I find it unnatural at the sentence level. My suggestion is to revise your sentences, completely. For example, in the first paragraph:

One moment .... start to dig in,-> When I was a junior in high school, an infrastructure project started in my home city. I was amazed by project development and digging procedure....

pier

Nov 19, 2017

Writing Feedback / Today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives? [5]

@vum
Hope following recommendations are helpful:
The opening sentence needs just one accepted fact related to the topic. Following the opening sentence, you should paraphrase the prompt.
is happened quite rapidly - An adverb needs a verb
To begin with, ~~there are many different kinds of~~ more ... to young ~~people choose~~ generations.
your third paragraph doesn't have a clear relationship with the prompt. You could have talked about the tendency of independence in young people or any limitation in the past.

Since the prompt wanted you to take sides you don't need the fourth paragraph.

You also add new reasons in conclusion without any discussion in body paragraphs. A conclusion wraps up previous information.

I suggest you take a look at word forms(Adverbs, Verbs, Nouns, ...) and their place in the sentences. In addition, you can read other's essay to have an overall structure for your own essays.

pier

Nov 23, 2017

Writing Feedback / Contrast paragraph between adulthood and childhood. [5]

Hi Dat, I think points you mentioned is quite logical but I would like to change the structure of some sentences that might make them sound better in your context:

Firstly, children have been ... -> Firstly, families and teachers are responsible for supporting and sufficiently educating children. However, ...

This can be patientlypatently obvious ... life, unlike children, these adults are ...

Lastly, a harmonious relationship is typical for those ... own fields through cooperating ...

Hope these are helpful.

pier

Nov 23, 2017

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Integrated task - three possible explanation regarding the origin of this old manuscript [2]

Summarize the points made in the lecture, being sure to explain how they respond to the specific points made in the reading passage.

old manuscript origin

The speaker and the reading talk about a manuscript presented by a bookseller named Wilfred M. Voynich. The reading provides three possible explanation regarding the origin of this old manuscript. The speaker, however, refutes each possibility.

First, the speaker said that the work cannot be a product of Ascham. He argues that Ascham was a typical writer and could not produce such an original work. In addition, Ascham's book about plants is a collection of other authors work. Therefore, the speculation that Ascham wrote the book is inconsistent and unlikely.

Second, the speaker argues that although Kelley was a good deceiver, he didn't need such an articulated work to deceive people of that time. A much simpler manuscript would suffice for this purpose. Therefore, it is unlikely that he spent so much effort to produce such a fake manuscript and then sell it to wealthy nobles in Europe.

Third, according to the speaker, there are ways that we can speculate a manuscript age. So, it is a useless trick for Voynich to create it. The speaker argued that Voynich might fake the paper by using an old paper but he could not fake the old ink used in the manuscript.

[200]

Lecture: vocaroo./i/s01KuAoVNpMj

I appreciate any comment that helps me score higher in this task. Thanks.

reading

pier

Dec 22, 2017

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Should we attend schools until we are at least 18? [3]

Hi OONA. The prompt asked you to explain to what "extend" you agree or disagree with the requirement of full-time education for youth under 18. However, you wrote about the necessity of school and the knowledge they need for their future job.

I suggest to read the prompt carefully and then plan your essay before you write it. Reading others' essay in this forum would be a great start to make a good outline, especially for your introduction. Your second and third paragraph has a good structure though.

that ~~the~~ young people
~~knowledge from schools~~-> education
an advanced English level ~~for being a businessman is required~~-> is crucial for a businessman
particular ~~language~~jargon

Hope these are helpful.

pier

Feb 5, 2018

Student Talk / I am new here and I want to practice writing English essay.. [35]

Merged:

The right practice to improve writing

Hi, I'm trying to get ready for a graduate program. So, what do you suggest to improve my writing? Is it good to write for TOEFL, IELTS, GRE essays or any other standard test as a practice? If yes, which one do you think is the best?

Considering that I want to share them here.

Thank you all.