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Posts by rumihumaira [Suspended]
Name: Fatiya Rumi Humaira
Joined: Oct 30, 2017
Last Post: Nov 4, 2017
Threads: 4
Posts: 12  
From: Indonesia
School: University of Indonesia

Displayed posts: 16
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rumihumaira   
Nov 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / Rate and comment on my argumentative essay for GRE- Late night television news viewership decline [4]

Hi, this essay is already good but there are some tiny english mistakes in term of grammar and typos. GRE doesn't score based on English skill, of course, but its better to avoid mistakes.

And forgive me if i'm wrong but I think GRE word limit is a bit longer. You can write more to include more examples and points to support your arguments :)
rumihumaira   
Nov 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / The topic describe positive side when living in city - opportunities, career, raising children, etc. [4]

I'd have to assume that this is for an academic essay because you didn't specify it. Or is it for an article?

Either way, I think it's better not write the essay as if you're talking to a second person (the way you present this is like a dialogue of two, with 'you' being the reader) because normally in english we write in the third person perspective. Say "most people think.." or "it is common belief that people are..." rather than "you think.." :)

good luck
rumihumaira   
Nov 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / Is government responsible for child obesity? The positive intervention would be beneficial. [9]

Hi, I think your essay is already good but your conclusion is too short to summarize the points you made in the essay. Yes, you have to say whether you agree/disagree at the conclusion and put the brief reason (which is the summary of everything you wrote in your essay) there. If you wrote your main points before writing the essay, you could use it :)
rumihumaira   
Nov 4, 2017
Letters / This is a letter of recomentation from the Head of computer engineering department. [3]

Generally, universities want recommendation letter to:
1. State how you rank among other students (whether you are in the top 5%, 10%...) so that it will be easier for the admission officer to see your strengths

2. Give example for teamwork capabilities. Its already here in your letter, but maybe you could try to tell more

This letter is relatively short in length though, I think you can prolong it a bit :D
rumihumaira   
Nov 4, 2017
Scholarship / How your choice of degree will empower you to pursue a career that addresses issues in your country? [3]

First, is there any word limit for the essay? because this is a bit too short, I think you can share more stories. Check the word limit. If it is 500-1000 words, well, maximize it :)

You can tell more about your previous experiences, your longer term career goal (give examples would be good). Make it personal and show off your strengths. You have the potential here, you just need to continue writing
rumihumaira   
Nov 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / Vegetables are the best thing you can eat. [4]

Can you please tell us what's this essay is designed for? :)

If it is for academical essay, you can put more data to support your argument here. Also you might need to revise your tenses and some typos. If you are not sure for the correct spelling of a difficult word, just google it. That's what I personally always do
rumihumaira   
Nov 4, 2017
Undergraduate / Moving from one country to another is a CHALLENGE [5]

Hi, I understand that the word limit is very short, but then you have to present the most important points in selling your good points and your ambition. I guess details about your weakest subject do not need to be described here: if you have 250 word limit, it's better to write about your strengths only. Maybe give concrete examples about what you think math could be used for in everyday life or for your future career

Good luck :)
rumihumaira   
Nov 4, 2017
Scholarship / Communication is a key element of leadership - Chevening essay [5]

I think you can tell more stories about what you did when you were a squad leader and also when you were doing the multi-dollar project. If I read this essay briefly it seemed to be more like a reference letter rather than your personal essay describing about who you are, how you do things, whats inside your thoughts and more. Good luck!
rumihumaira   
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Studying in UK Essay: why I chose Development Finance [4]

hi, i am really confused for explaining the three university because honestly i just choose the university that offer the course of Development Finance (there are not many). i wonder whether explaining the ranking would be unneccessary

STUDYING IN THE UK QUESTION


Outline why you have selected your chosen three university courses, and explain how this relates to your previous academic or professional experience and your plans for the future.

*Please do not duplicate the information you have entered on the work experience and education section of this form (minimum word count: 100 words, maximum word count: 500 words)


Prior to my application, I have done two jobs as a research fellow in both the Central Bank of Indonesia and at the Financial Service Authority in Indonesia. As a researcher, I discovered that a bachelor degree is not enough to secure a position to decide on the framework thinking and concept design for either the research objective or public policymaking. It stops with handling data. Even though I greatly appreciate the opportunity given, I believe that continuing study, especially in a more focused field, will greatly benefit me and the future researches I will write.

My research interest came from my own observations and several previous researches where I found that the poor, or generally any human being, might act irrationally for matters that concern on money. During periods of emergency, people might agree to unfair agreement because the need for money were too tight. I got the chance to observe this during my social act project to one fishing village in West Java. The fishermen are poor but sure they need money, so they take the closest solutions at hand: loan sharks. I believe that the lack of proper financial literacy and inclusion were hindering Indonesia's development. For those reasons, I chose Development Finance for my major in graduate study.

The course of Development Finance revolves on many important issues of development, such as poverty, inequality and the public sector. Based on my own experiences working in the field of policymaker, the study on development finance is a very large field with only few parts sufficiently explored and the remaining huge parts are waiting for breakthrough innovations. Indonesia is a unique country with certain characteristics that needs specially-designed policies, a real challenge, so I strive for the best place to study on maximizing the financial sector for development. There are not many universities offering Development Finance as a major. Development Finance itself focuses on the role of financial sector for accelerating growth. With careful research, I found the best three universities to study on the course: University of Manchester, University of Reading and SOAS University of London. I have re-read their syllabus plenty of times and I finally conclude that the learning program is exactly as I wish to study. University of Manchester put more optional courses concerning on development economics while University of Reading and SOAS University of London give more optional courses for exploring the financial market, but either one offers a wide range of development economics courses. Ranking-wise, all three are highly ranked in QS World University Ranking 2017 by the subject of Development Studies with University of Manchester at 7th place, SOAS at the 11th place, and University of Reading at the 42th place. I have received my unconditional offer from University of Manchester and accepted it.
rumihumaira   
Oct 31, 2017
Graduate / My interest in Data Science - combine math's, statistics and computer science [4]

your opening is already good, but you could elaborate more on how studying MSc in data science would help you to accomplish your goals, not only because you enjoy studying it.

and from your work experiences, you could tell more about what you hope you could bring to improvement after getting a master degree

also, remember that this is for university application not job application, so you do not have to list every software/programming language that you know. the admission office would like to see more about you and your ambition -- your skills is not everything (thats why you're continuing study, right?) just mention the top hardest/unique would be enough :)
rumihumaira   
Oct 31, 2017
Graduate / Essay about the reasons for applying for postgraduate studies( Mechanical Engineering) [6]

this pharagraph confuses me the most:

In conclusion, I know that I am not [...]

While i am sure that the university will love you to promote them, it is not what they are looking for in your essay. they want to see more about you and your long term career goal so they'll claim your success as the university's success as well after being able to educate you. And do distinguish between being humble and not being confident. do not say that "i know that i am not the best" because the main purpose of this essay is to promote and sell yourself. just be confident and highlist the best in you. don't be too honest on your weaknesses
rumihumaira   
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening essay: Career plan in development finance, the role of financial sector for development [4]

Hi, i need help for my career plan essay for Chevening scholarship application. thank you :)

CAREER PLAN QUESTION


Chevening is looking for individuals who have a clear post-study career plan. Please outline your immediate plans upon returning home and your longer term career goals. You may wish to consider how these relate to what the UK government is doing in your country. (minimum word count: 100 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

Long-term plan
After studying in the United Kingdom, I plan to use my obtained knowledge in the field I have been working at the least few years which focus on maximizing the role of financial sectors for development. Focusing in monetary and financial economics, I hope that my experiences in both the Central Bank of Indonesia and the Financial Services Authority might help my way to become a permanent worker there with slowly building my way to the top policymaker. Even if I could not do it, I plan to continue my career as a researcher whether in governmental agencies, consulting, Non-Profit Organization (NGO) or at the Research Centre in my former University of Indonesia.

I also want to continue my study to a PhD degree and become a lecturer in my alumni, University of Indonesia. I saw that Development Finance is a very practical thing that the government put special attentions into, yet the science itself is still under-learned in the university. Currently, the science of Development Finance is divided into its two major components: Development Economics and Public Finance or the Monetary and Financial Economics. However, I believe that it should be studied as an integrated part and so I want to take that role as the lecturer.

In addition to that, I want to execute my idea of financial technology start-up designed for fishermen. I still could not accept the fact that a very wide archipelago country like Indonesia is falling behind in marine products industry. Along with my teammates, I had an idea of financial technology startup for fishermen and submitted the project to several competitions. In one competition, one angel investor from Japan was interested in the idea. She was interested because in Japan the fishermen are wealthier than Indonesia's and it happens because both people and government initiate the changes, supported by fishermen cooperatives. In Indonesia where most people fall at low income class, Micro Financial Institution (MFI) has a serious role. I saw few startups were already executing the idea of fintech for fishermen and failed, mostly because of inability to create a win-win solution to the fishermen and the loan sharks (to eliminate them, gently). I want to learn from their mistakes and mitigate the risks I know is going to come. Even if not as the executor, at least as the regulator.

Short-term plan
Additionally, I want to give back to the communities around me. Mainly because of financial limitation, most students in Indonesia could not go afford formal education, let alone studying abroad. I want to show that studying abroad is not a foolish dream if accompanied by the correct financial strategy - even if there is not enough fund available. Being financially literate means opening doors to more possibilities. I believe that both my job and my personal motivation to influence people is in the same pathway.
rumihumaira   
Oct 31, 2017
Graduate / What are some of occurances that have formed my point of view and the way I live now [4]

I think the opening line about life is beautiful should not be put there: maybe it'll be better at the closing sentence, since the reader would want to look for concrete details first.

I suggest you write out the main points you want to deliver first in this essay so you wouldn't get carried away with your writing. I am still having a bit difficulty to grasp your main messages.
rumihumaira   
Oct 31, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening Essay: Networking Skill for an Introvert Person [3]

hi, i need help for my networrking essay for applying chevening scholarship :) thank you

NETWORKING QUESTION


Chevening is looking for individuals with strong networking skills, who will engage with the Chevening community and influence and lead others in their chosen profession. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your networking skills, and outline how you hope to use these skills in the future.

(minimum word count: 100 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses for networking, one of them being an introvert. However, I would not let that be my weakness but to make the utmost benefit from the challenge given. My father is a politician and he always stressed out the importance of networking and I have followed his advice ever since. I dragged myself into joining various communities and activities rather than just laying around in my comfort zone. During college, I made myself to join various event committees with a wide range of field, from academic, research, education, social, arts and culture to a political one. I joined a religious student body, I practiced as a Color Guard in the University's Marching Band, became a Volunteer Teacher in my faculty's organization to teach homeless children in Depok for preparing university exam entrance, I constantly engage myself in Marketing Plan where I took the chance to work together with student from different faculty), and more. It was exhausting, but I knew that I tend to appear awkward and shy in front of new people so I understood that I should give extra efforts to know more people.

I know that practice makes perfect and that the easiest way to really engage with people is to work together with them, both professionally and voluntarily. I had made myself to go during a one-year exchange student period to Seoul, South Korea, where I was given the opportunity to broaden my network into a global one. Meeting various international students from many countries helped me to realize that any different human might not be that different at all. Back then I expected to see some major differences, because of the culture and lifestyle and all, but basically any human being has similar way to think and to feel. The difference lies in the contents within our mind and heart, but the way human think turned out to be not much different. I also volunteered in some Korean cultural events as international volunteer and indulge myself in their culture for better understanding.

Before I went to Korea, I made a promise to myself that I will share my stories to motivate more people who thought that going abroad is merely a dream. Therefore, I was so excited when I saw the opportunity to publish my story in an anthology book called "Abroad You(th)" which is indie-published, consisting of 25 different stories and different countries of Indonesian students going abroad whether by full-time study, exchange student, conference and competition. We were gathered by the initiator and it helped me a lot to know various youth forums for students who aim to reach their dream goals. When I came back to Indonesia, I also had the chance to join on several start-up forums with millennials aiming to build their own start-ups for solving real problems in the country. I was truly amazed with many communities there and I plan to keep broadening the network in my chosen preferred fields.
rumihumaira   
Oct 31, 2017
Graduate / Writing a narrative explaining interest in the field of forensic medicine [3]

you use a lot of scientific terms, which is both good and not. it's good because it shows that you really do understand the field you wish to study, but the ressay reviewer might not be someone from the field. forgive me if i'm wrong but i think the ability to explain something complicated by the simplest and understandable way might be good (at least you define the terms you used here)

also i would encourage you to continue the essay, no matter the length. considering that you do not have word limit, you can write as long as you want first and then shorten it later to make it more concise
rumihumaira   
Oct 30, 2017
Scholarship / I became the vice-coordinator of human resources division of Social Act; leadership experiences [2]

Hi, I'm writing this essay for Chevening Scholarship application. The deadline is close by. I would greatly appreciate your reviews :)

LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION


Chevening is looking for individuals who will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer.

(minimum word count: 100 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

My most memorable leadership experience was when I became the vice-coordinator of human resources division of Social Act, a community work in the rural area for 700 freshmen of the faculty for a few days in 2014. My project officer wanted us to go to a fishing village for the first time after three consecutive years visiting farming villages. The idea was frowned upon, as we have surveyed some nearby fishing villages and saw that those villages were extremely dirty, with human feces on the sand, barely any sanitation facility, lack of clean waters, and the goats ate plastic wastes.

We almost gave up, but the urges to really show the condition of fishing villages remained strong. I persisted for a fishing village. I went to the Ministry of Marine Affairs and Fisheries asking for advices on choosing the village. They were, surprisingly, delighted and concluded that cooperation might be possible as it they have projects to do there but they lack the human resources. They gave us the database of potential fishing villages and told us to come back later after we decided.

We went on a survey to Pelabuhan Ratu district on a deep heavy traffic. After five hours passed, we were still halfway there. We almost gave up but I persisted that it would be such a waste if we went back. "at least let's just visit the beach and then we are free to go back," I remembered pleading.

Fortunately, the village there had sufficient clean water, even though the beach was still dirty and there were still many human feces on the beaches sand; and the goats still ate plastic wastes. Well, clean and sufficient water was just enough.

But it was not enough yet for our other teammates, and more surveys were required before they could approve. Being a girl who could drive a car among limited potential drivers I ended up having to drive there from Depok to Pelabuhan Ratu all by myself. With eight passengers, traffic jam and bulky roads right at the side of a cliff. We arrived at the cliffside during sunset. I panicked as it would be more dangerous in the dark: what if I could not see the sides of the roads? Deviate slightly and fall over the cliff it is. I was in hurry and then my wheel tires broke. The boys in the car did not understanding anything about car so they just remained silent watching my despair.

Still I kept on my belief to choose that village. After several surveys and after-class night meetings later, the others eventually agreed to go there after going through deep problem mitigations. It became the first Social Act of Faculty of Economics and Business University of Indonesia to go to a fishing village, got awarded for Indonesian World Records as a social work learning for freshmen with a highest number of participants, and the Ministry of Marine Affairs and Fisheries were happy with our executed cooperation.
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