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Posts by jolivares
Name: Javiera
Joined: Oct 26, 2018
Last Post: May 13, 2019
Threads: 3
Posts: 5  
Likes: 1
From: Chile
School: University of Chile

Displayed posts: 8
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May 9, 2019
Scholarship / Outline the details of your future aspirations and how your degree will help you achieve your vision [3]


to be an exceptional Ambassador for Monash'

Hi! I'm applying for a scholarship which asks the following question:

"Outline the details of your future aspirations and how your Monash degree will help you achieve your vision. *
You can explain how previous leadership roles or community activities have informed this vision. This statement should not focus on your academic achievements or the financial benefit of the scholarship. Your statement must not exceed 500 words.

Scholarships are awarded to highly ranked students who can demonstrate their potential to be an exceptional Ambassador for Monash."

I'd highly appreciate feedback on my response, thanks in advance.

Our planet is heavily threatened by climate change and economic development, leading to natural disasters, land use change and massive biodiversity loss. Hence, my future aspiration is to work for the conservation of natural resources because it has intrinsic and extrinsic value. I aim to contribute in the conservation of biodiversity, help in mitigate and adapt territories under climate change scenarios, and protect surrounding communities aligned with sustainable development goals. Since a young age I have been concerned about our planet and the way human has related to natural resources has always impacted me. Therefore, I decided to follow this path so I can become an active change agent as a young professional in the environmental field. My goal is to work for an organisation such as Parks Victoria, The Nature Conservancy, WWF or the Ministry of Environment in Chile.

To achieve this, I need to further improve my knowledge and leadership skills to be able to expose myself, expand my professional networks and gain practical experience, for which the Master of Environment and Sustainability will be essential. It will help me improve in conservation biology, environmental monitoring and territorial management, allowing me become a stronger professional. The reputation of Monash University is well recognised around the world, providing opportunities to maximise my full potential, studying under world-leading academics and professionals. Therefore, completing this program will significantly and positively impact my professional development as an active environmental leader, allowing me to contribute substantially to improve the future environmental scenario both locally and globally.

In the last years, I have being involved in environmental education projects; in the elaboration of a management plan in a local community; in the track ranger program offered by Parks Victoria; among other volunteer activities. These experiences have given me the ability to work within communities in interdisciplinary groups or on my own, and most importantly, to translate environmental knowledge for different scales. I am confident that I have the skills needed to be a high-achieving Monash Ambassador, where I will be able to involve myself within the student community and contribute with my creativity, passion, time and effort. I enjoy fostering strong and long-life relationships that will enhance benefits in the long term.

I will positively promote and represent the Faculty and University, sharing my journey to potential students and motivate them to continue their education at Monash. I would also like to invite and encourage other Chileans to consider Monash University as a post-graduate destination, informing its virtues from my experience. Moreover, I will not only contribute by participating at events and promotional activities, but I would also like to use this space to organise and execute activities for new and current students where I could promote environmental education, environmental awareness and conservancy. I want to influence in the relationship students have with their environment, helping them engage in taking action for protecting our planet. As a Monash Ambassador, I will help creating an impact in the Monash community as a whole.
Oct 30, 2018
Writing Feedback / Reasons for youth crimes (essay for Cambridge English Exam) [3]

Hi! I think your essay is well developed, although it needs a conclusion parragraph that summarized your point of view about the causes of youth crime. I'd further develop your last parragraph.

Pay attention to some grammar and spelling mistake, read you essay again carefully and fix them.

For example:
crimes incresead in these days
in the modern life
come back at dusk for from work
or in at school, or in the community

I think your essay is going through the right path, just need a bit more of work.
Good luck and hope this helps.
Oct 29, 2018
Scholarship / Logistics project - Leadership for Chevening [4]

Hi Oni, it would be helpful if you provide the actual promt you're responding to. Nevertheless, here is my feedback according to what I understood.

You have many grammar and spelling errors which makes it hard to understand, and you're writing is rather informal, which is not acceptable for a Scholarship application. Please do not say "I wanna make", for example.

You are not detailing a leadership situation in which you were involved. I recommend you use the STAR method to demostrate how you have developed (or acquired) those leadership skills required for this scholarship.

I highly recommend to check your grammar and rewrite this essay, you might have the ideas but is not very coherent in this response.

Hope this helps and best of luck.
Oct 29, 2018
Scholarship / Essay question - Development of leadership skills [3]

I'd highly appreciate if you could provide some feedback for this prompt.
Thanks in advance.

the opportunity to develop as a leader

·Set out the skills and attributes you possess that will enable you to use this opportunity to develop as a leader in your field.
·Explain how the proposed activity will develop your leadership skills and build on your ability to contribute to your study, training, research or professional field on your return to your home country

I am highly organised, proactive, committed and efficient with excellent time management skills. I have strong written and oral skills acquired during years of study. I have participated in many collaborative projects; therefore, I have experience working with others, many times as a leader, being able to notice strengths, weaknesses and personality dynamics. I am responsible and persistent, when I choose something I am determined to finish it. I am self-aware, and I am good at self-management. I believe in myself and I am willing to use all available resources to succeed at my task. I can easily adapt to diverse and changing situations. This set of skills will help me to develop as a leader during this activity and beyond.

My proposed activity will develop my leadership skills by sharpening my critical thinking and analytical skills, addressing complex and challenging case studies. It will improve my ability to make good judgements and quick objective decisions. Given the self-directed nature of master's degrees, I will improve my organizational ability by setting short and long-term goals and executing them on a timely manner, enhancing my capacity to think and work independently. I'll gain a global perspective by working with people from different backgrounds, increasing my cross-cultural competency and awareness, something we hugely lack in Chile, my home country. I'll become a more effective communicator by presenting my work to teachers and the industry sector. During the internship I'll be able to learn from key players, facing real-world matters through hands-on experience, improving my problem solving skills. The cooperative work will make me a better relationship builder and people-manager, attributes extremely important within the workforce. I'll become a strong leader to inspire, engage and influence my potential colleagues and stakeholders to promote environmental awareness and conservancy, which is highly needed in Chile.
Oct 29, 2018
Writing Feedback / You should stay healthy, Health is precious [3]

Hi, I think that you should divide your essay in parragraphs, otherwise is a bit confusing to read. I feel like you're giving a bunch of ideas but not really linking those ideas properly. Develop a parragraph about a topic more than just isolated sentences. For example first you write about eating fruits and vegetables, proteins, etc; Then you write about drinking water; Later about sleeping properly; Then about doing exercise, and so on. Otherwise is just not coherent.

Also, try to speak more in general than talking to an "imaginary you". For example, "It is recommended to go to bed before 10 pm", instead of "you should go to bed before 10 pm". As a first draft it has the correct ideas but it needs more work.

Good luck!
Oct 26, 2018
Scholarship / "My passion for technology in Africa" We want to hear what excites you MasterCard scholarship [3]

Hi Matt!
In general, I think that you respond to the question but just some things to notice. The first 2-3 lines of the first paragraph don't make much sense and don't go anywhere. I would start just from your passion of computer programming, and maybe explain more in that sense, what really excites you about computer programming. Also, you need to incorporate more how the topic that is important to you reflects in your personal values.

Some small corrections:
"... lies in the joining of technology ..."
"... how effective the use of technology (...) "
"... passionate about creating collaborating in a society that "

Wish you all the best.
Oct 26, 2018
Scholarship / ENDEAVOUR LEADERSHIP PROGRAM - Development of individual's knowledge and expertise. [3]

Hi! I'm applying to this scholarship and would like to know if you could give me any feedback with my essay responses. Thank you so much in advance.

Development of individual's knowledge and expertise. (maximum 300 words)
Explain how the proposed activity will assist your professional development

an invaluable contribution to my career and my future

The Master of Environment will assist in my professional development by providing specific and detailed knowledge, skills and tools in the field where I'm truly passionate about and expand myself upon this area. As the workforce evolves and there is more people getting involved in the environmental field, it is important to stand out from the rest and this is a great approach to achieve this. With my proposed Leadership Activity, I'll become more competitive by dedicating myself to enhance my industry expertise.

Today, is more difficult to launch a dream career, so I believe that this will help me progress to the next stage, arising my employability options, strengthening my skills sets, acquiring new ones and improving my analytical skills, therefore becoming a better problem solver. Furthermore, I'll be able to relate to a group of like-minded persons with great networking opportunities with individuals and organisations within the environmental field, which may potentially lead to a professional career in the future.

By doing this Activity, I'll gain not only knowledge and be updated by the different subjects I'll enrol to, but also by putting in practice everything I know in my internship, improving my leadership skills and my ability to work with multidisciplinary groups. I'll be able to collaborate in the elaboration of plans and strategies for the conservation and restoration of our endangered natural resources and manage the territory, especially considering how threaten our planet is by climate change and strong economic development, which has lead in several natural disasters, land use change and a massive biodiversity loss.

I'm confident that at the University of Melbourne I'll study under world-leading academics and professionals, with hands-on experience, theoretical coursework and group work, hence this will be an invaluable contribution to my career and my future both professional and personally.


Thanks !!!!