Writing Feedback / Ielts: Argument essay No need to use animals for food, clothing and medicine [4]

Hi, @hanhdth83
I have read your essay and I would like to have some comments on it.

1. You have addressed all parts of the task and presented a clear position throughout the response. Your ideas are OK and you know how to present, extend and support them with various examples. Keep up the good work!

Despite there being two paragraphs in the body, they both point at the same idea: There are better alternatives that can replace the use of animals. So you may need to work on some new ideas in order to make your essay more persuasive. Below are some links to other relevant ideas to this topic that you can refer to:

+ Animal testing: Pros and Cons: animal-testing.procon.org/
+ Should people become vegetarian?: vegetarian.procon.org/

2. As for Cohesion and Coherence, you know how to logically organise your ideas and use a range of connectors. The introduction is straightforward and covers the issue you are going to discuss. There are clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, which are well-supported by the following ones. You also have a concluding sentence at the end of each paragraph, which is a great thing to do. The content is quite convincing and you are able to lead the readers to the point you want to make.

3. With regard to grammar, you are able to flexibly use of a variety of complex structures, although there are some inaccuracies. As for lexical resource, you know how to use a sufficient range of vocabulary to express your points of view clearly. Some collocations and uncommon words are also appropriately used in your response. However, there is still room for improvement and below are some suggested alternatives and corrections to the phrases/structures used in your prompt:

'It is often argued that thanks to technological advancements and breakthroughs, there is ... in the food, ...'

'... using animals as human food source'

'Firstly, ... increasingly proven/proved to offer equal nutritional value to/ offer as much nutritional value as meat and fish.'

'...l alternatives to animal use in the clothing and ...'
==> I suggest another way to improve this sentence: 'Moreover, there have recently been innovative non-animal alternatives/more effective alternatives that exclude/does not involve the use of animals in the clothing and pharmaceutical industry.'

'With regard to manufacturing garments, instead..., a myriad range of ...'

'... to preserve than the ones/those (made) of animal skins.'

'In terms of... From a medical perspective, sophisticated and modern ...'

Writing Feedback / Clean or go to jail? - laws are needed to make people recycle more of their waste? [3]

Hi, @Veranda.
I have read your essay and would like to suggest some ways to improve it.

1. Task response: You have stated your position and sufficiently addressed all parts of the task. You also know how to present, extend and support your arguments. Keep up the good work! However, I would suggest changing your position into 'partly disagree/agree' since in the body you give justification for recycling laws and address other more effective solutions at the same time. If you 'disagree' with the idea, all your arguments should be against it.

2. The introduction and body paragraphs are clear and straightforward, although I would like you to analyse your arguments in-depth to make them more persuasive. Your ideas are certainly fine, but they are common ones one can think of when it comes to the issue mentioned. Try thinking a little bit deeper! ^^

As regards the ending, I think it needs sticking closer to the question. You can just add a little bit like this: 'In conclusion, ... to the waste problem, it is not the only viable one and goverments can go further as to raise people's ...'

You make fairly good use of linking devices, although there is still room for improvement:
+ I do not think 'In contrast' is appropriately used in the 1st paragraph of the body. 'If governments do not make ....' is meant to support the idea 'penalties such as....'. Omitting the phrase would be fine.

+ 'Therefore, what lies at [...] put our minds and hearts.'

----> I suggest rewriting this part by reorganising the sentences and adding a connector: 'Therefore, what lies at the core of an effective solution is not rules but self-awareness. Since it would be easier to conduct any actions once we put our hearts and minds to them, educating people .............................................'

3. You use a variety of grammatical structures with appropriate verb tenses and noun phrases. However, there are two grammar errors I would like to point out:

+ '... and how can we address them by ...' ---> It should be 'we can'.

+ 'Similar cases are to be found with laws' ---> 'are to be found' is not the appropriate tense used in this context. You may probably want to replace it with the following: '... can be found' or 'This has also been the case....'

4. As for lexicon, you flexibly use a wide range of vocabulary, some of which is highly academic. However, there are some points I would like to suggest to better your writing:

- I do not think 'ensurance' is the right word in the context you are writing. 'Guarantee' or 'assurance' will be better.

- The word 'residential' is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as '(of an area of a town) suitable for living in; consisting of houses rather than factories or offices', so it is often used for an area or town. An alternative to this word is 'household'.

- There is a misspelt word in your essay: 'promugate'. It should be 'promulgate'.

- Suggested alternatives to some phrases in your essay:

+ 'People would be ... watching them.' --->'People would be more careful and willing to recycle if (they knew) they were being watched by authorities/under the watch of authorities.'/'Recycling would be more carefully monitored/dealt with if....' .

+ 'do not make recycling things compulsory' ---> do not compel recycling (It is shorter but still academic)

+ 'residents may skip doing ... or busy.' ---> 'residents may dodge/evade/shirk their responsibilities whenever they feel busy or reluctant'.

+ 'Using a little force' ---> (A little) law enforcement

+ 'Even if governments ... do as they are told.'---> '........, there is no guarantee/assurance that they will act/follow accordingly.'

+ 'the center of an effective solution' ----> 'center' is all right, but maybe 'core' would sound better?

Writing Feedback / Online communication and finding new friends [5]

@Maria
OMG, thank you for your help. This is such helpful advice and I will take note of what you said.
If possible, could you show me in detail how to do what you said?

Writing Feedback / Group learning or individual learning is better? [5]

Hi, @ththao_99
I've read your essay and would like to suggest some ways to better your writing. Hope you'll find my suggestions useful. ^^

1. Regarding Task Response, you have addressed fully both views on individual and independent learning. However, you haven't given your own opinions (or given too little) about the statements mentioned. I suggest you should have another paragraph to fully give your opinions on the issues. For instance, you can say both individual and independent learning have some positive and negative sides, so it is up to each learner and the learning environment to decide which method is situable.

2. As for Grammar and Vocabulary, there are some grammatical and vocabulary mistakes which I will highlight and suggest some corrections to below. You should also take note of your vocabulary choice because there are some inappropriate words used in your essay.

3. Cohesion and Coherence: Your ideas are fairly organised and you have evidence to back up your arguments. Keep on the good work! However, there are sentences that can be shortened but still maintain the full meaning. I also think you should work out more on how to use connectors more effectively because there are some sentences that can be linked into one sentence or need connectors to make them more related and relevant.

... that group learning will be (I think "is" is more appropriate here) more effective ... learning (others think otherwise- this suggests that others think in the opposite way). In this essay, will explore ...

(1) ... learning enhances the concentration of students (you can use possessives here: students' concentration). (2) This is ... from distraction from (I suggest you use 'caused by') their teammate's discussion (their teammates). (3) Especially (I don't think this word is appropriate here), to a lot of students ... they are in crowd (I will rewrite this part by linking sentence (1) and (2) and using sentence (3) as an example: ... enhances students' concentration because it prevents them from distractions/helps to avoid distractions caused by their teammates. This is especially useful to introverted learners, who may find it hard/difficult to come up with ideas or focus on their work when in groups. This will make your sentences shorter but still keep the full meanings you want to convey. Also, it helps to make sense why you start your third sentence with Especially, which is to point out a particular example in which individual learning may prove useful) Furthermore, studying by (on) their own ... (4) A group include a lot ... (5) When they work alone without support from other (how about 'independently'? This may save you words), they learn by themselves (this may be unnecessary since 'work alone without support from other' has already meant 'learn/do work by yourselves'); hence, their ... researching, seeking (What does this mean?), also improve. [I will rewrite sentence (4) and (5) by showing contrasts: In a group of students with different levels, it is possible that some are too reliant on their more talented/competent peers, making little study effort. This is, however, not the case in individual learning as working independently allows students to hone self-study skills such as research and self-analysis, which requires hard work and therefore yields more productivity.. Just a suggestion, you can take it or leave it ^^]

..., group learning has is (its) own benefits. Several students with ... Specifically, if one person gives (one person can give) an idea and others will develop and nourish it (can give their perspectives/opinions to develop it), make it to become ... perspectives (making it the best version). Human beings usually finds find it hard ... mistakes, (3) so working together is a good way to take improve myself (wrong expression) by objective and ... (4) Besides, it will improve ... ((3) and (4) can be merged into one sentence: ...., so working together is a good way to make improvements/improve oneself through objective ... and The idea of 'improving teamwork skills' is not relevant in this sentence since you write that human beings need group learning for self-improvement because they cannot usually identify their own mistakes, so such idea can be saved for your next idea). (5) Even if you detest ... (6)Therefore, it will give ... ((5) and (6) can be considered as another supporting idea: [b]Furthermore, since teamwork is crucial/vital/essential in today's working environment//an integral part of today's workplace, engaging in group activities can hone such skill, thus providing a good preparation for students' future careers.)

To sum up, ... method ('the two learning methods [mentioned]') have their own ... In educational environment ... students (How about ....... we can flexibly combine them according to different learning periods and individual capacities). [This is an interesting idea that you should develop into a paragraph in the body to give your opinions on individual and group learning!]

Writing Feedback / MANY PEOPLE FIND IT DIFFICULT TO BALANCE THEIR RESPONSIBILITY AT HOME AND IN THE WORKPLACE [6]

Hi, @ Thich Thong Luc
I would like to suggest some ways that can improve your essay. Hope this may come in useful.

1) The question asks you to identify the reasons and solutions to the problem mentioned, so it is necessary to address briefly these parts in your opening. For example, in the third sentence of your opening, based on your arguments, I suggest rewriting the sentence into something like this: In my opinion, such problem stems from hectic working schedules and unequal share of household responsibilities, hence the need for sensible solutions to tackle the issue.

---> This will give examiners brief info on what you are going to justify in your essay.

2) As regards the first paragraph of the body, I think it lacks connection and sounds a bit unnatural because of your vocabulary choice. Here is my suggestion on how you can rewrite it:

- .... First and foremost, it should be taken into consideration that many workers nowadays face tight working schedules on a daily basis. Particularly, in addition to an 8-hour working day, they must burn the midnight oil to complete more tasks before deadlines. This can result in stress, poor health and negligence of families and friends, thus negatively affecting their personal lives and relationships.

3) In the second paragraph of the body, I suggest you omit the phrase "As I came up previously" because I think it is unnecessary and in the previous paragraph, you only mention 'the workers' in general but not the specifics (Parents). Furthermore, this paragraph lacks connective words, which makes it hard for me to understand your thread of arguments. Here is my suggestion on how to rewrite this part:

- One further cause............ Due to increased workload in modern times, many parents find it hard to manage their time spent on childcaring/ to pay much attention to childcaring. This can lead to inadequate bonding between family members...

* I don't get the last line of the paragraph, so I cannot suggest where to put it correctly.

4) As for the third part of the body, although it is sensibly structured, I think there may be some misused words such as 'perfectively', 'home' or 'wisely timetable' and redundancy ('increase the day-off for them to take regular holidays'). I also think you may need to change the phrase 'reduce the hectic schedules of....' because oftentimes, 'reduce' means 'make something less or smaller in size, quantity, price, etc.' (Oxford Dictionary), which suggests the word itself usually goes with something that is quantifiable (e.g. the number, the amount,....). Here is my suggestion of one way to rewrite this part:

- .... Firstly, firms should reduce the amount of workload and increase days off for workers. This guarantees improved/perfect health and effective work. Secondly, employees must maintain balance between work and family (maintain work-life balance) by making a wise timetable. Lastly, they should be free to leave their jobs to assume childcare responsibilities and spend more time on their family/with their family.