barryha2705
Jul 26, 2019
Writing Feedback / MANY PEOPLE FIND IT DIFFICULT TO BALANCE THEIR RESPONSIBILITY AT HOME AND IN THE WORKPLACE [6]
Hi, @ Thich Thong Luc
I would like to suggest some ways that can improve your essay. Hope this may come in useful.
1) The question asks you to identify the reasons and solutions to the problem mentioned, so it is necessary to address briefly these parts in your opening. For example, in the third sentence of your opening, based on your arguments, I suggest rewriting the sentence into something like this: In my opinion, such problem stems from hectic working schedules and unequal share of household responsibilities, hence the need for sensible solutions to tackle the issue.
---> This will give examiners brief info on what you are going to justify in your essay.
2) As regards the first paragraph of the body, I think it lacks connection and sounds a bit unnatural because of your vocabulary choice. Here is my suggestion on how you can rewrite it:
- .... First and foremost, it should be taken into consideration that many workers nowadays face tight working schedules on a daily basis. Particularly, in addition to an 8-hour working day, they must burn the midnight oil to complete more tasks before deadlines. This can result in stress, poor health and negligence of families and friends, thus negatively affecting their personal lives and relationships.
3) In the second paragraph of the body, I suggest you omit the phrase "As I came up previously" because I think it is unnecessary and in the previous paragraph, you only mention 'the workers' in general but not the specifics (Parents). Furthermore, this paragraph lacks connective words, which makes it hard for me to understand your thread of arguments. Here is my suggestion on how to rewrite this part:
- One further cause............ Due to increased workload in modern times, many parents find it hard to manage their time spent on childcaring/ to pay much attention to childcaring. This can lead to inadequate bonding between family members...
* I don't get the last line of the paragraph, so I cannot suggest where to put it correctly.
4) As for the third part of the body, although it is sensibly structured, I think there may be some misused words such as 'perfectively', 'home' or 'wisely timetable' and redundancy ('increase the day-off for them to take regular holidays'). I also think you may need to change the phrase 'reduce the hectic schedules of....' because oftentimes, 'reduce' means 'make something less or smaller in size, quantity, price, etc.' (Oxford Dictionary), which suggests the word itself usually goes with something that is quantifiable (e.g. the number, the amount,....). Here is my suggestion of one way to rewrite this part:
- .... Firstly, firms should reduce the amount of workload and increase days off for workers. This guarantees improved/perfect health and effective work. Secondly, employees must maintain balance between work and family (maintain work-life balance) by making a wise timetable. Lastly, they should be free to leave their jobs to assume childcare responsibilities and spend more time on their family/with their family.
Hi, @ Thich Thong Luc
I would like to suggest some ways that can improve your essay. Hope this may come in useful.
1) The question asks you to identify the reasons and solutions to the problem mentioned, so it is necessary to address briefly these parts in your opening. For example, in the third sentence of your opening, based on your arguments, I suggest rewriting the sentence into something like this: In my opinion, such problem stems from hectic working schedules and unequal share of household responsibilities, hence the need for sensible solutions to tackle the issue.
---> This will give examiners brief info on what you are going to justify in your essay.
2) As regards the first paragraph of the body, I think it lacks connection and sounds a bit unnatural because of your vocabulary choice. Here is my suggestion on how you can rewrite it:
- .... First and foremost, it should be taken into consideration that many workers nowadays face tight working schedules on a daily basis. Particularly, in addition to an 8-hour working day, they must burn the midnight oil to complete more tasks before deadlines. This can result in stress, poor health and negligence of families and friends, thus negatively affecting their personal lives and relationships.
3) In the second paragraph of the body, I suggest you omit the phrase "As I came up previously" because I think it is unnecessary and in the previous paragraph, you only mention 'the workers' in general but not the specifics (Parents). Furthermore, this paragraph lacks connective words, which makes it hard for me to understand your thread of arguments. Here is my suggestion on how to rewrite this part:
- One further cause............ Due to increased workload in modern times, many parents find it hard to manage their time spent on childcaring/ to pay much attention to childcaring. This can lead to inadequate bonding between family members...
* I don't get the last line of the paragraph, so I cannot suggest where to put it correctly.
4) As for the third part of the body, although it is sensibly structured, I think there may be some misused words such as 'perfectively', 'home' or 'wisely timetable' and redundancy ('increase the day-off for them to take regular holidays'). I also think you may need to change the phrase 'reduce the hectic schedules of....' because oftentimes, 'reduce' means 'make something less or smaller in size, quantity, price, etc.' (Oxford Dictionary), which suggests the word itself usually goes with something that is quantifiable (e.g. the number, the amount,....). Here is my suggestion of one way to rewrite this part:
- .... Firstly, firms should reduce the amount of workload and increase days off for workers. This guarantees improved/perfect health and effective work. Secondly, employees must maintain balance between work and family (maintain work-life balance) by making a wise timetable. Lastly, they should be free to leave their jobs to assume childcare responsibilities and spend more time on their family/with their family.