taeyonieee
Mar 31, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Disappearance of high street shops [5]
@Holt
@vuthuylinh2611
Thank you guys. I really appreciate your help <3
@Holt
@vuthuylinh2611
Thank you guys. I really appreciate your help <3
taeyonieee
Mar 31, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Pie chart: Revenue Sources and Expenditures of a USA Charity [3]
In my opinion, you've done a very great job. Personally, I don't have so much to contribute. Therefore, I am only able to give some trivial mistakes :
-contributed "the" least to the expenditure
-2.2% and 0.4%, respectively.
-only 2.6%
These are the only mistakes I could find. But hope could help you by this in some way :< .
In my opinion, you've done a very great job. Personally, I don't have so much to contribute. Therefore, I am only able to give some trivial mistakes :
-contributed "the" least to the expenditure
-2.2% and 0.4%, respectively.
-only 2.6%
These are the only mistakes I could find. But hope could help you by this in some way :< .
taeyonieee
Mar 31, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Time spent by young adults with their family [4]
From the introduction, I think you've made a slight mistake by changing the task prompt to some extent. Young children "spend less time " doesn't necessarily mean that they " prefer hanging out with their peers rather than sharing time with their family". Therefore, the following arguments of yours seem to be " off the road " a little bit .These arguments have misled readers and made the prompt a much more serious problem based on " preference" . And I believe this is not true at all. This is just my opinion though.
As for me, I would develop my arguments based on the hectic lifestyle, the enormous amount of work or the complicated network of internet in modern days. I can see that point in yours here. However, personally I wouldn't let it go too far as you.
Furthermore, when you provide an example like in your paragraph 2, especially when it is not so well-known (like an article), you should give more details of it. Or else, it even makes your essay more difficult to understand. And if you don't have enough time to do that, don't provide the example but developing other aspects of ideas and arguments.
From the introduction, I think you've made a slight mistake by changing the task prompt to some extent. Young children "spend less time " doesn't necessarily mean that they " prefer hanging out with their peers rather than sharing time with their family". Therefore, the following arguments of yours seem to be " off the road " a little bit .These arguments have misled readers and made the prompt a much more serious problem based on " preference" . And I believe this is not true at all. This is just my opinion though.
As for me, I would develop my arguments based on the hectic lifestyle, the enormous amount of work or the complicated network of internet in modern days. I can see that point in yours here. However, personally I wouldn't let it go too far as you.
Furthermore, when you provide an example like in your paragraph 2, especially when it is not so well-known (like an article), you should give more details of it. Or else, it even makes your essay more difficult to understand. And if you don't have enough time to do that, don't provide the example but developing other aspects of ideas and arguments.
taeyonieee
Mar 30, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Disappearance of high street shops [5]
Task 2:Many high street shops have gone out of business in recent years.
Why do you think this has happened? Is it a positive or negative development?
It is true that the number of traditional shops on the streets has decreased significantly in recent years. This essay would initially attempt to pinpoint the causes of this phenomenon and subsequently show my belief that this is a negative trend in the long run.
In my opinion, the disappearance of these traditional shops could be primarily attributed to the advent of online shopping services. Compared to brick-and-mortar shops, online shopping platforms are faster, cheaper and more convenient in different ways. People can sit at home, search for the best deal, pay, and receive a delivery the next day without having to go to many shops to find needed items. As for me, I would probably prefer to purchase books on Amazon, which is e-commerce websites, due to its convenience and economization. Hence, a large number of shops succumb to internet purchasing and shopping and ultimately vanish.
As far as I am concerned, the scarcity of traditional shops followed by the prevalence of online purchasing would bring about negative effects in the long run. From an environmental perspective, the transporting process to the online customer would produce a substantial amount of emissions, making a contribution to severe air pollution. Furthermore, to some extent, I believe this tendency would result in loss of cultural diversity as a number of communities would slowly fade away. For instance, future generations in Vietnam would not have a chance to observe lively and colorful traditional shops.
In conclusion, online shopping is the primary reason for the significant disappearance of brick-and-mortar shops. In light of aforementioned evidence, I am behind the idea that this could have serious repercussions on the environment as well as national cultural diversity.
P/S: I have a question :< . My friends told me that in an IELTS essay, we should avoid using words like " I" ," my " . However, I think these words are necessary in tasks which require our personal opinion. Could you guys please tell me whether or not we should use these words please ? Thanks
Task 2:Many high street shops have gone out of business in recent years.
Why do you think this has happened? Is it a positive or negative development?
DISAPPEARANCE OF HIGH STREET SHOPS
It is true that the number of traditional shops on the streets has decreased significantly in recent years. This essay would initially attempt to pinpoint the causes of this phenomenon and subsequently show my belief that this is a negative trend in the long run.
In my opinion, the disappearance of these traditional shops could be primarily attributed to the advent of online shopping services. Compared to brick-and-mortar shops, online shopping platforms are faster, cheaper and more convenient in different ways. People can sit at home, search for the best deal, pay, and receive a delivery the next day without having to go to many shops to find needed items. As for me, I would probably prefer to purchase books on Amazon, which is e-commerce websites, due to its convenience and economization. Hence, a large number of shops succumb to internet purchasing and shopping and ultimately vanish.
As far as I am concerned, the scarcity of traditional shops followed by the prevalence of online purchasing would bring about negative effects in the long run. From an environmental perspective, the transporting process to the online customer would produce a substantial amount of emissions, making a contribution to severe air pollution. Furthermore, to some extent, I believe this tendency would result in loss of cultural diversity as a number of communities would slowly fade away. For instance, future generations in Vietnam would not have a chance to observe lively and colorful traditional shops.
In conclusion, online shopping is the primary reason for the significant disappearance of brick-and-mortar shops. In light of aforementioned evidence, I am behind the idea that this could have serious repercussions on the environment as well as national cultural diversity.
P/S: I have a question :< . My friends told me that in an IELTS essay, we should avoid using words like " I" ," my " . However, I think these words are necessary in tasks which require our personal opinion. Could you guys please tell me whether or not we should use these words please ? Thanks
taeyonieee
Mar 28, 2020
Writing Feedback / Topic: Television is harmful for communication skills of people. Why? [3]
First of all, is this actually an essay? Because, without a doubt, it is too short to be an essay. An essay should always follow this structure
- Intro: Paraphrase the question, say what the essay would do ( which you already have )
- Body 1 : Reason 1/ Explanation 1 . Example...
- Body 2 : Repeat the same step as body 1
- Conclusion ( which is the important part you've missed ) : Restate the task prompt and your opinion.
Apart from your essay structure, your essay also has a lot of problem
- The first sentence in the Into is wrong in terms of grammar and meaning
- Move to your body paragraph :
+a number of reasonsthat why television
+ thousands of TV showsare broadcasted
+attract=> attractive contents
I will only point out a few. The rest you have to work on your own. But please take my note: Before working on the flashy words or collocations, you have to understand the basic structure of an essay and abide by it.
First of all, is this actually an essay? Because, without a doubt, it is too short to be an essay. An essay should always follow this structure
- Intro: Paraphrase the question, say what the essay would do ( which you already have )
- Body 1 : Reason 1/ Explanation 1 . Example...
- Body 2 : Repeat the same step as body 1
- Conclusion ( which is the important part you've missed ) : Restate the task prompt and your opinion.
Apart from your essay structure, your essay also has a lot of problem
- The first sentence in the Into is wrong in terms of grammar and meaning
- Move to your body paragraph :
+a number of reasons
+ thousands of TV shows
+
I will only point out a few. The rest you have to work on your own. But please take my note: Before working on the flashy words or collocations, you have to understand the basic structure of an essay and abide by it.
taeyonieee
Mar 27, 2020
Writing Feedback / Dangerous automobile drivers [3]
You don't give us the full question/ task prompt so it's very hard to judge whether the content is on topic or not. Therefore, I'll only give you my personal opinions on other aspects ( mainly related to grammar ), such as : word choice, sentence structure,...
- In case is a formal writing essay, we do not use the nominative pronoun " you ". This would make your essay have kind of " propaganda" sound and not objective.
- Move to the first body
+ "which is " => " which are " > You can't use " which" to replace a clause in this situation. Because speeders are the cause of accident, not the characteristics (description) of the speeders do.
+ people drives. The second sentence is a one that I don't understand. Maybe there is some mistake when you translate your idea from your native language into English. This mistake also repeat throughout your whole essay. You should practice more on your word choice and the way you express your idea.
+ " So " is not a adverb that should stand at the beginning of the sentence. It could be replace by " Therefore " , " Hence " , " Thus ", " Because of this ", " Due to this fact" ,....
- Now the second body paragraph:
+ There is no saying" Create danger "
+ get distracted notdistraction . If you use a noun you have to use it with a right valid collocation. Or else, be simple.
+So that : word by word mistake again.
- The two last paragraph you need to figure out the mistake yourself.
- By the way, you use too many short sentence, which could make readers kind of uncomfortable because of uncontinuous "reading flow "
In conclusion, the biggest mistake in your essay is the way you express your idea simply by translating from your native conversational language into English.This is a common mistake that you should avoid. Try to translate a whole idea, not word by word. Furthermore, you need to work more on your style of writing sentences.
You don't give us the full question/ task prompt so it's very hard to judge whether the content is on topic or not. Therefore, I'll only give you my personal opinions on other aspects ( mainly related to grammar ), such as : word choice, sentence structure,...
- In case is a formal writing essay, we do not use the nominative pronoun " you ". This would make your essay have kind of " propaganda" sound and not objective.
- Move to the first body
+ "
+ people drive
+ " So " is not a adverb that should stand at the beginning of the sentence. It could be replace by " Therefore " , " Hence " , " Thus ", " Because of this ", " Due to this fact" ,....
- Now the second body paragraph:
+ There is no saying
+ get distracted not
+
- The two last paragraph you need to figure out the mistake yourself.
- By the way, you use too many short sentence, which could make readers kind of uncomfortable because of uncontinuous "reading flow "
In conclusion, the biggest mistake in your essay is the way you express your idea simply by translating from your native conversational language into English.This is a common mistake that you should avoid. Try to translate a whole idea, not word by word. Furthermore, you need to work more on your style of writing sentences.
taeyonieee
Mar 27, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Process diagram: Generating electricity [5]
There are only a few things I'd like to point out in your essay.
The diagram illustrates
Furthermore, I don't think water is a material, just look it up in Cambridge Dictionary the definition :"a type of physical thing, such as wood, stone, or plastic, having qualities that allow it to be used to make other things" . Therefore, you should replace it by " substance" or "source"
Otherwise, I think everything is very good. Good job !
There are only a few things I'd like to point out in your essay.
The diagram illustrates
Furthermore, I don't think water is a material, just look it up in Cambridge Dictionary the definition :"a type of physical thing, such as wood, stone, or plastic, having qualities that allow it to be used to make other things" . Therefore, you should replace it by " substance" or "source"
Otherwise, I think everything is very good. Good job !
taeyonieee
Mar 26, 2020
Writing Feedback / 'Museums should be open to everyone' - IELTS Task 2 - Many museums charge for admission [4]
@phong3baotap
Remember a simple thing like this.
The examiner will always consider your 1st sentence of the topic as topic sentence. Therefore, it should always be clear. And take your 1st body paragraph as an example, you've failed in this category. Firstly, it's too long for a topic sentence. Secondly, it does not generalize the idea of the passage but act as a developing idea sentence.
The same goes with your second body paragraph. Moreover, in this paragraph, you seem to have opened a new argument when mentioning that view. I personally can see your point of view but I can't assure every one will accept this argument structure. It's just neither the safest way nor the best way. If you want to make your discussion in this paragraph relevant, you have to figure out your ways by adding more sentences to bond those 2 body paragraph. Or else, this is just a "slip off the cliff".
What is more: the conclusion. You've focused on too many things else without maintaining a simple task 2 structure. This would definitely make your TA and overall score very low.
In summary, you've missed the limit of the prompt and your argument. The same goes with your essay structure.
@phong3baotap
Remember a simple thing like this.
The examiner will always consider your 1st sentence of the topic as topic sentence. Therefore, it should always be clear. And take your 1st body paragraph as an example, you've failed in this category. Firstly, it's too long for a topic sentence. Secondly, it does not generalize the idea of the passage but act as a developing idea sentence.
The same goes with your second body paragraph. Moreover, in this paragraph, you seem to have opened a new argument when mentioning that view. I personally can see your point of view but I can't assure every one will accept this argument structure. It's just neither the safest way nor the best way. If you want to make your discussion in this paragraph relevant, you have to figure out your ways by adding more sentences to bond those 2 body paragraph. Or else, this is just a "slip off the cliff".
What is more: the conclusion. You've focused on too many things else without maintaining a simple task 2 structure. This would definitely make your TA and overall score very low.
In summary, you've missed the limit of the prompt and your argument. The same goes with your essay structure.
taeyonieee
Mar 26, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: different views about teaching children to become a good citizen of the community [2]
First of all, the way you divide your argument into paragraphs is not completely logical. This is a " Discuss both views and your opinion essay". Of course, there would be different ways to separate paragraphs . In this particular situation, you divide your body into 3 paragraphs, in which the 1st and the 2nd discuss those 2 views in the prompt task ; the 3rd paragraph is your opinion. However your 3rd paragraph is too short although the half of the prompt task requires your personal opinion. Therefore, this would make you lose TA points. Personally, if you are out of ideas to continue your argument for the 3rd paragraph, you should simultaneously show your opinion during your discussing process. In detail, this means you can give your opinion on each viewpoint at the end of the 2 first paragraph. Or else, you can put it in the conclusion. Just don't make it a paragraph if you don't have 3 sentences or more
In fact, in most cases, each paragraph should require at least 3 sentences . Therefore, we could see 1 more problem in your essay is the conclusion. It didn't paraphrase the prompt very well. You should always restate the prompt task and then restate your opinion in this kind of essay.
First of all, the way you divide your argument into paragraphs is not completely logical. This is a " Discuss both views and your opinion essay". Of course, there would be different ways to separate paragraphs . In this particular situation, you divide your body into 3 paragraphs, in which the 1st and the 2nd discuss those 2 views in the prompt task ; the 3rd paragraph is your opinion. However your 3rd paragraph is too short although the half of the prompt task requires your personal opinion. Therefore, this would make you lose TA points. Personally, if you are out of ideas to continue your argument for the 3rd paragraph, you should simultaneously show your opinion during your discussing process. In detail, this means you can give your opinion on each viewpoint at the end of the 2 first paragraph. Or else, you can put it in the conclusion. Just don't make it a paragraph if you don't have 3 sentences or more
In fact, in most cases, each paragraph should require at least 3 sentences . Therefore, we could see 1 more problem in your essay is the conclusion. It didn't paraphrase the prompt very well. You should always restate the prompt task and then restate your opinion in this kind of essay.
taeyonieee
Mar 24, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: encouraging businesses to relocate from metropolitans to regional areas. [3]
@Holt
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your thoughtful feedback. I do really need to look into this carefully .
@Holt
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your thoughtful feedback. I do really need to look into this carefully .
taeyonieee
Mar 23, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: encouraging businesses to relocate from metropolitans to regional areas. [3]
Task 2 : In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to regional areas outside the big cities.
Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?
By virtue of massive industrialization, a myriad of businesses and firms are being set up all over the world. As a matter of fact, in recent decades, many governors have established deliberate policies to encourage these to relocate from metropolitans to regional areas. Although this phenomenon has some drawbacks, I believe that it would bring more benefits to not only employees but also those nations.
On the one hand, relocating businesses and firms to regional area does have some negative effects. One of them is the lack of availability of skilled workers fitting the job description. In fact, most of labor in these areas only have experience in agriculture-related work, meanwhile, employees in the city of often have experience with industrial working environments. The other disadvantage is companies based in regional areas are further from their clients, providers and other contacts. Therefore, the transportation process would cost more expenditure required, resulting in higher price of products.
On the other hand, the cons as discussed above are eclipsed by the pros. Despite higher transportation costs, businesses can take advantage of lower price required to set up big factories on the outskirts. Furthermore, in the domain of urban planning, this trend would help to attract labor from overcrowded metropolitans, balancing the proportion of urban residents and rural ones as well as well as alleviating environmental problems. In addition, this relocating process would provide thousands of jobs for citizens, reducing the unemployment rate of the countries.
In conclusion, in spite of the lack of effective workers and higher transportation costs, moving businesses and firms from big cities to rural areas would be more auspicious for setting up big factories, provide jobs and avoid further overcrowding in cities. In light of aforementioned evidence, it could be argued that this trend has more merits than downsides, therefore, should be continued to encouraged by governors.
Moving industries into rural area
Task 2 : In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to regional areas outside the big cities.
Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?
By virtue of massive industrialization, a myriad of businesses and firms are being set up all over the world. As a matter of fact, in recent decades, many governors have established deliberate policies to encourage these to relocate from metropolitans to regional areas. Although this phenomenon has some drawbacks, I believe that it would bring more benefits to not only employees but also those nations.
On the one hand, relocating businesses and firms to regional area does have some negative effects. One of them is the lack of availability of skilled workers fitting the job description. In fact, most of labor in these areas only have experience in agriculture-related work, meanwhile, employees in the city of often have experience with industrial working environments. The other disadvantage is companies based in regional areas are further from their clients, providers and other contacts. Therefore, the transportation process would cost more expenditure required, resulting in higher price of products.
On the other hand, the cons as discussed above are eclipsed by the pros. Despite higher transportation costs, businesses can take advantage of lower price required to set up big factories on the outskirts. Furthermore, in the domain of urban planning, this trend would help to attract labor from overcrowded metropolitans, balancing the proportion of urban residents and rural ones as well as well as alleviating environmental problems. In addition, this relocating process would provide thousands of jobs for citizens, reducing the unemployment rate of the countries.
In conclusion, in spite of the lack of effective workers and higher transportation costs, moving businesses and firms from big cities to rural areas would be more auspicious for setting up big factories, provide jobs and avoid further overcrowding in cities. In light of aforementioned evidence, it could be argued that this trend has more merits than downsides, therefore, should be continued to encouraged by governors.