maihaan
Sep 5, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Combined charts of household income and spending by an average UK family [3]
@Holt Thank you for your advice!
@Holt Thank you for your advice!
maihaan
Sep 5, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Line chart comparing electricity generated from 3 sources in New York [7]
@Tri Nhan Thank for your comment!
@Tri Nhan Thank for your comment!
maihaan
Sep 4, 2020
Writing Feedback / It is necessary for children to distinguish the right and wrong in their early age [3]
Dear @hnaaapt,
You should give the full prompt of the topic. I wondered if it is about "the importance" or "the punishment".
There are many grammatical mistakes in your essays.
"the children was were not old enough"
"According to"
"but the parentsnot telling does not tell him"
"... serious way, to show them ... bad. T, they can ... young period age."
"Helping them to understand"
"the children caneasy fix their action more fix their behaviours easier "
You should differentiate between spoken English and formal academic writing.
Dear @hnaaapt,
You should give the full prompt of the topic. I wondered if it is about "the importance" or "the punishment".
There are many grammatical mistakes in your essays.
"
"According to"
"but the parents
"... serious way
"Helping them to understand"
"the children can
You should differentiate between spoken English and formal academic writing.
maihaan
Sep 4, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Combined charts of household income and spending by an average UK family [3]
This is the first time I work with combined charts and I found it hard to arrange ideas. Please correct and advise me on that. Thank you a lot!
The given table describes the total earnings of a median family and the amount of money they paid for food and clothes in 2010 and 2013. The pie chart illustrates more specific proportion data of the later expenditure divided into five different categories. Generally, despite a fall in total family income, there was a salient increase in fruits and vegetables' spendings in the researched period.
As can be seen, the total money gained by a mediocre UK household in 2013 was 4,000 euros less when compared to 29,000 euros in 2010. In spite of that fact, people had the tendency to pay more for foodstuffs and attires in 2013 than in 2010, with 15,000 euros and 14,000 euros, respectively.
Regarding the circle chart, there was a decline in the proportion of clothes budget from 22% in 2010 to 12% in 2013. The percentage spent on meat and fish also dropped by 10% from 25% in 2010. In contrast, dairy products witnessed a growth in its rate from 15% to 20% in the same period. However, the most significant rise was 15% in the fruits and vegetables segment as it reached 35% in 2013 while there was no change in the figure of other food and drinks.
This is the first time I work with combined charts and I found it hard to arrange ideas. Please correct and advise me on that. Thank you a lot!
household income and spending on food and clothes
The given table describes the total earnings of a median family and the amount of money they paid for food and clothes in 2010 and 2013. The pie chart illustrates more specific proportion data of the later expenditure divided into five different categories. Generally, despite a fall in total family income, there was a salient increase in fruits and vegetables' spendings in the researched period.
As can be seen, the total money gained by a mediocre UK household in 2013 was 4,000 euros less when compared to 29,000 euros in 2010. In spite of that fact, people had the tendency to pay more for foodstuffs and attires in 2013 than in 2010, with 15,000 euros and 14,000 euros, respectively.
Regarding the circle chart, there was a decline in the proportion of clothes budget from 22% in 2010 to 12% in 2013. The percentage spent on meat and fish also dropped by 10% from 25% in 2010. In contrast, dairy products witnessed a growth in its rate from 15% to 20% in the same period. However, the most significant rise was 15% in the fruits and vegetables segment as it reached 35% in 2013 while there was no change in the figure of other food and drinks.
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maihaan
Sep 4, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The idea that everyone should contribute a stable part of their revenue to charity [2]
Dear @NguyenPhuoc,
I think your 3rd paragraph should be combined with your conclusion instead of making a separate one. For example: "To conclude, despite the fact that raising fund for the poor is a humane activity, forcing everyone ....."
Your arguments are reasonable. However, sometimes the way you deliver them makes me confused. Such as the part "This might make the situation decline".
Another problem is related to grammar "Thismean means that it should". Moreover, I think you should avoid using many "it" "this".
Hope you find my comments useful.
Dear @NguyenPhuoc,
I think your 3rd paragraph should be combined with your conclusion instead of making a separate one. For example: "To conclude, despite the fact that raising fund for the poor is a humane activity, forcing everyone ....."
Your arguments are reasonable. However, sometimes the way you deliver them makes me confused. Such as the part "This might make the situation decline".
Another problem is related to grammar "This
Hope you find my comments useful.
maihaan
Aug 26, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Line chart comparing electricity generated from 3 sources in New York [7]
Thank @DiepVu99, @Ella Pham and especially @Holt for your comments. I really appreciate your guide and advice.
Thank @DiepVu99, @Ella Pham and especially @Holt for your comments. I really appreciate your guide and advice.
maihaan
Aug 26, 2020
Writing Feedback / Government should invest to the elderly' livings or they should save money for their future [6]
Dear @Ngocnguyen777,
You may check some part below to see if my correction is precise or not
"the society, if the government ..." -> should separate into 2 sentences ".....in society. Therefore, if ..."
"To be precise, not only do they invest to look after the older, they also persuade " -> not only go with but also ",but they also"
..., there will also be
in advanced
local authorities
In addition
before receivingan assistance" -> (uncountable)
"join hands
Dear @Ngocnguyen777,
You may check some part below to see if my correction is precise or not
"the society, if the government ..." -> should separate into 2 sentences ".....in society. Therefore, if ..."
"To be precise, not only do they invest to look after the older, they also persuade " -> not only go with but also ",but they also"
..., there will also be
in advance
local authorities
In addition
before receiving
"join hands
maihaan
Aug 26, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Line chart comparing electricity generated from 3 sources in New York [7]
Please help me to improve my essay. I did realize it is longer than it supposed to be, but I am not sure which information should be redundant.
The given line chart compares how much electricity was generated from three sources to provide New York in two decades from 1980. While the quantity of petroleum and natural gas experienced upward trends, the remaining went down slightly. Also, petroleum always contributed the most energy while natural gas overtook coal to become the second common source of supply.
Commencing by 350 million kW hours in 1980, the petroleum figure rapidly increased to 600 million kW hours just 5 years later, before bound back to its beginning level in 1990. This figure then rose roughly two-fold to reach its peak at 720 million kW hours at the end of the observed period.
In 1980, there were around 210 million kW hours of electricity using the coal supply, compared with 100 million kW hours produced by natural gas. Afterwards, the amount of natural gas remained lower than the other for ten years before surpassed coal figure in 1990. During the next decade, the former underwent a remarkable growth of 300 million kW hours to top out at 500 million kW hours in 2000. Meanwhiles, coal generated a relatively stable amount of nearly 200 million kW hours in the period, making it end up at the lowest rank among the researched sources.
Please help me to improve my essay. I did realize it is longer than it supposed to be, but I am not sure which information should be redundant.
amount of electricity produced from different energy sources
The given line chart compares how much electricity was generated from three sources to provide New York in two decades from 1980. While the quantity of petroleum and natural gas experienced upward trends, the remaining went down slightly. Also, petroleum always contributed the most energy while natural gas overtook coal to become the second common source of supply.
Commencing by 350 million kW hours in 1980, the petroleum figure rapidly increased to 600 million kW hours just 5 years later, before bound back to its beginning level in 1990. This figure then rose roughly two-fold to reach its peak at 720 million kW hours at the end of the observed period.
In 1980, there were around 210 million kW hours of electricity using the coal supply, compared with 100 million kW hours produced by natural gas. Afterwards, the amount of natural gas remained lower than the other for ten years before surpassed coal figure in 1990. During the next decade, the former underwent a remarkable growth of 300 million kW hours to top out at 500 million kW hours in 2000. Meanwhiles, coal generated a relatively stable amount of nearly 200 million kW hours in the period, making it end up at the lowest rank among the researched sources.
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maihaan
Aug 25, 2020
Writing Feedback / Task 2: Children being told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough [2]
Hi @hangnguyenn,
For my level as a learner, I found your ideas easy to follow and well-developed.
However, I did realize some mistakes such as typos or grammatical issues. Here are some that I found.
"the benefits ans drawbacks" -> and
"the advatages completely outweigh the disadvantages" -> advantages
"this message could act as motivation the children." -> motivation for the children
"Regarding the merrits" -> merits
"to encourage our kids to be more confident and belief in their ability" -> believe (v) instead of belief (n)
" which discourages them to set a goal in the future" -> from setting (I think it is more appropriate)
"for not being able to do anything in right way" -> the right way or right ways
"in order to content their parents" -> sastify
"this message actually leaves positive effect on our children so this method shoul be included in parenting" -> positive effects / should
I think paying more attention to details will help you improve your score.
Hi @hangnguyenn,
For my level as a learner, I found your ideas easy to follow and well-developed.
However, I did realize some mistakes such as typos or grammatical issues. Here are some that I found.
"the benefits ans drawbacks" -> and
"the advatages completely outweigh the disadvantages" -> advantages
"this message could act as motivation the children." -> motivation for the children
"Regarding the merrits" -> merits
"to encourage our kids to be more confident and belief in their ability" -> believe (v) instead of belief (n)
" which discourages them to set a goal in the future" -> from setting (I think it is more appropriate)
"for not being able to do anything in right way" -> the right way or right ways
"in order to content their parents" -> sastify
"this message actually leaves positive effect on our children so this method shoul be included in parenting" -> positive effects / should
I think paying more attention to details will help you improve your score.
maihaan
Aug 25, 2020
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - The role of sport in our societies [3]
Dear @jacky99, here are some of my comments on your essay. I hope it useful to you.
For the second paragraph, I expect to see more perspectives which make sport held an significant role in society other than creating national images or showing off the power. For example, you can add its role as a tool to connect people who are fans of sports and to improve national solidarity and patriotism. I also feel confused about the part "but also attract the king who always wants to recruit the strongest army for empires" as there is no context for it.
For the third paragraph, I think there is a problem with your topic sentence. The idea here is discussing "sport is nothing more than a leisure activity" so you should stick to that idea.
About the part showing your opinions, I did not clearly see which ideas you support, the former or the later. I have the feeling that some of your points are off the topic.
I hope my thoughts are useful to you. I am learning for the test too so I hope we all can improve our writing skills.
Dear @jacky99, here are some of my comments on your essay. I hope it useful to you.
For the second paragraph, I expect to see more perspectives which make sport held an significant role in society other than creating national images or showing off the power. For example, you can add its role as a tool to connect people who are fans of sports and to improve national solidarity and patriotism. I also feel confused about the part "but also attract the king who always wants to recruit the strongest army for empires" as there is no context for it.
For the third paragraph, I think there is a problem with your topic sentence. The idea here is discussing "sport is nothing more than a leisure activity" so you should stick to that idea.
About the part showing your opinions, I did not clearly see which ideas you support, the former or the later. I have the feeling that some of your points are off the topic.
I hope my thoughts are useful to you. I am learning for the test too so I hope we all can improve our writing skills.
maihaan
Aug 21, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Line chart comparing international conferences in 3 cities [5]
Thank you @Holt and @DiepVu99 for your valuable advice. I will try to fix my writing according to your guide.
Thank you @Holt and @DiepVu99 for your valuable advice. I will try to fix my writing according to your guide.
maihaan
Aug 21, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Line chart comparing international conferences in 3 cities [5]
Please help me to make my essay better and free of mistakes. Thank you a lot for your support.
The line chart compares the number of international conferences hosted by three cities A, B, and C between 1980 and 2010. Overall, the quantity of international conferences in City A and B decreased while the number of City C, from the least in 1980, rocketed and ended up being the highest among all in 2010.
City A and City B experienced similar trends during the whole period of 30 years, with the former obtaining higher data most of the time. In 1980, the number of international conferences in cities A was 35, compared with 30 in city B. Both cities then witnessed narrowing fluctuations in the figures before holding the same number of 27 meetings in 2005. However, by 2010, meetings taking place in city B surpassed the number of city A, with 26 and 24 international conferences respectively.
In contrast, commencing at 0 in 1980, the quantity of global conferences that City C held surged to 20 after only 10 years and grew to 35 in 2000. Thenceforth, there was a slight decrease in the meeting number to 31 in 2010, yet city C still attained the first rank among the three cities.
Please help me to make my essay better and free of mistakes. Thank you a lot for your support.
international conferences hosted by three cities
The line chart compares the number of international conferences hosted by three cities A, B, and C between 1980 and 2010. Overall, the quantity of international conferences in City A and B decreased while the number of City C, from the least in 1980, rocketed and ended up being the highest among all in 2010.
City A and City B experienced similar trends during the whole period of 30 years, with the former obtaining higher data most of the time. In 1980, the number of international conferences in cities A was 35, compared with 30 in city B. Both cities then witnessed narrowing fluctuations in the figures before holding the same number of 27 meetings in 2005. However, by 2010, meetings taking place in city B surpassed the number of city A, with 26 and 24 international conferences respectively.
In contrast, commencing at 0 in 1980, the quantity of global conferences that City C held surged to 20 after only 10 years and grew to 35 in 2000. Thenceforth, there was a slight decrease in the meeting number to 31 in 2010, yet city C still attained the first rank among the three cities.
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