Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by KurekoHikari
Name: Quang Khuat
Joined: Aug 22, 2020
Last Post: Sep 1, 2020
Threads: 4
Posts: 8  
Likes: 4
From: Viet Nam
School: HNUE highschool

Displayed posts: 12
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KurekoHikari   
Sep 1, 2020
Scholarship / "If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you'll have to settle with the ordinary"-Jim Rohn [5]

I like the idea that you're trying to maintain a consistent theme throughout the essay about Maritime, but I believe it would be much better if you refer to it more in your essay, not just as the beginning and at the end.

Also please recheck your essay as right from the first read i could detect some serious grammatical errors, be careful with these minor mistakes as they tend to give the reader a bad impression of you being sloppy. Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to get your English teacher or someone qualified to do a reread for you
KurekoHikari   
Sep 1, 2020
Scholarship / RMIT Personal Statement - Leadership and Digital Marketing [2]

Prompt: A personal statement describing:


-Your field of study and your goal when studying our school
-What knowledge in the program will help you achieve your goal
-Why do you deserve the full-ride scholarship
-extracurriculars and activities showing your leader ship skills


Sitting there with 10 different pairs of eyes glaring me down, all eagerly waiting for an impeccable order, my heart was pounding, and yet I froze like a deer caught in the headlights.

Our house at summer camp was participating in a debating round, and I was appointed as the captain by our mentors. I sat there, baffled. How was I supposed to lead this army of 10 inexperienced people? On the verge of panic, I took a deep breath, trying to calm down and looked around. After carefully scrutinizing my team members, I put the outgoing and talkative individuals in charge of the actual debating while delegating the brainstorming of ideas to more introverted teammates.

On my part, I utilized my past debate experience to keep everything in check, making sure our points were viable and aligned with the proposition, giving advice to our speakers on how to deal with counter-arguments. Noticing a member being inadvertently excluded, I specifically requested his input, as I believed everyone has something to contribute. A boy with a passion for science, not the subject of debate, but it was his fresh perspective that won us the day with scientific evidence to back up our ideas.

That day I realized my strength as a leader, someone who can see the underlying potential of others, hear their voices even when they can not hear it themselves. This epiphany led me to take on leading roles in countless other activities, both in and out of school. Be it from teaching neighborhood kids shuttlecock kicking to guiding new students to my high school, I was there to lend a helping hand and be proactive. Finally, this talent led me to Marketing, a field demanding the ability to realize the best parts of a product to promote. For me, not only is choosing to see the best in everything a way to sell, it is a good way to live. With the rise of technology, I saw my future in Digital Marketing, a unique program offered only at RMIT University.

My goal in university is to attain a state-of-the-art Digital Marketing education, especially in consumer behaviours, since I have always been interested in understanding people, and how to put that knowledge to good use. Additionally, the chance to intern in some of the powerhouses in Vietnam would be crucial to propeling my career's prospects. I am aware of the excellent reputation and top-notch quality of teaching at both campuses, which solidates my belief that RMIT is the perfect destination for my tertiary education.

I believe I am deserving of the full-ride scholarship because I am a natural leader, always taking care of others and promoting their talents. Should I be selected, I would use my education to further furnish my leading and Marketing skills, contributing them to the service of others. Given the chance, I wish to add my very own unique color to the painting called RMIT. I hope the school gives my application every consideration.
KurekoHikari   
Aug 28, 2020
Letters / Letter of Motivation - Master's in Material science and Engineering [3]

Overall I think this letter is pretty solid in content as it ticked all the boxes, showed who you are, your interest, your experience, future aspiration, why you need the education.... I also think a paragraph about how you would contribute to the school would be beneficial.

That being said, I still detected some small mistakes, right from the very first line: it's engrossed in not engrossed by. There's a lot of applicants who wrote about childhood dreams in their essays, try to find what set you out from the rest, dig deeper into why you want to know about "the building block of the universe" other than just simply saying it's your natural curiosity.

Also, please don't say "By the way, that's not all I did in university" as it makes you suddenly seem very informal, maybe try "Beyond the academics" or something along those lines.

Anyway this is just my first read of your essay, please reread this very carefully before submitting, even one grammar mistake could make the difference between rejection and acceptance
KurekoHikari   
Aug 28, 2020
Writing Feedback / Data regarding population structure by age and gender riding bicycles in a particular town in 2011 [3]

Ok, so the first problem i noticed is in your over view. Please say "0-9 year-old group" instead of 0-9 group.
The other thing you can fix is your transitional phrases, right now they are too simple, consider : "moreover, additionally, furthermore,...."
Also, you don't have to give the detailed number percentage on everything, it makes it really boring for the reader, try paraphrasing it, like: one-third, one-tenth, half, a minute amount of, the majority of,....

Other than that you essay seems pretty solid
KurekoHikari   
Aug 26, 2020
Graduate / "My high school, my second home" [2]

Prompt:

Briefly describe the culture of your school community and your involvement within it.


What impact has the school culture had on you? How would you enhance or change it?

If I had to choose one word to describe my school's culture, it would be family.

My school was also my second home. Though cliche, but this is the exact feeling of every HNEUers. When first walking the halls of HNEU, I was baffled by the new environment, but I soon felt right at home due to the warm welcome I received.

In the beginning, the upperclassmen volunteers would enthusiastically come to our class everyday to show us more about the school, or simply just hanging out. As an introvert, this left a deep impression in my heart, so much so that, despite my shy-self, I joined the volunteer team as I entered my final year, hoping to provide the same guidance to the juniors the way our seniors did for us.

HNEU has something for everyone. The school's diverse array of clubs granted students an opportunity to pursue their interests, whatever they might be, as well as network with like-minded individuals. A former member of ECLUB, I dedicated my efforts to aiding students in need of improving their English.

Overall, my experience here allowed me to overcome my barriers and mature into a more confident person, making precious memories and relationships along the way. I suppose if there were any changes to be made, I would fight for the proposition that the school established a program connecting alumni, present and future students, as there is much we could learn from each other while sharing the roof of HNEU.
KurekoHikari   
Aug 26, 2020
Graduate / Personal Statement KGS 2021 / Preparing for Graduate [4]

Hi, i'm just gonna fix some of your grammar mistakes I spotted since i'm not qualified enough to fix the content.

"This is my whole life in a few words"

", I am normally the girl who ..."

"We, as humans, live ..."

"Always feeling like a foreigner, I was never at ease, until I found Art."
KurekoHikari   
Aug 24, 2020
Undergraduate / "Dreamers cannot be tamed." - Common Essay --Aiming for the elite colleges [5]

while I think that you are quite a great story-teller, please consider using less fancy words, I get that you want to utilize your vocabulary to impress, but do so in consideration as it may prove counter productive, the professors who have read possible thousand of essays before reading yours might be exhausted, so don't make them work too hard to understand what you're trying to convey.

Also, I think adding elements to show off more of who you are as a person, your personality traits, your emotions, would increase your chances as universities tend to be more interested in who you are.
KurekoHikari   
Aug 24, 2020
Scholarship / "My high school club experience"- prompt: Write about your school activity (1600 characters) [3]

@Holt
Thank you so much for your critique on my essays, they have been very insightful and I really appreciate that you took the time to analyze and comment on them. Is it alright if I post fixed-versions of my essays on the forum? You may only post then once you make these thread Urgent (otherwise, the revisions will be ignored / removed). Thank you!
KurekoHikari   
Aug 23, 2020
Scholarship / "My high school club experience"- prompt: Write about your school activity (1600 characters) [3]

describe your school activity



For one-fourth of its history, my school's culture has deeply been influenced by clubs, as most of the extracurricular events and activities at school were organized by these student-led organizations. As an HNEU student in the specialized English class, I felt a strong sense of duty to join ECLUB, a club tasked with providing an educational haven for individuals who wish to enhance their English abilities.

During my time as a member, I served in the Design Department since I recognized the cruciality of visual learning when it comes to English and also because of my interest in the creative field of design. As a Designer, I contributed by presenting my ideas and designs for both simple tasks, such as posting on our Facebook Page educating about idioms, and major events, for example, ECLUB's 10 years anniversary. Moreover, my job went beyond the responsibilities of a member, I also did my best to advise the Head of Design, a close friend of mine, on how to create bonding activities for our team members, most of whom were very introverted people, like I once was.

ECLUB itself has impacted me on many levels, skill-wise and social-wise. Working there, I gained a fresh perspective in the field of design along with great tips on how to come up with interesting ideas and how to flesh them out. Though short, my time at the club taught me the importance of communication, as we were required to work closely with each other to produce helpful content for students seeking aid. Despite the heavy workload and at times dreading deadlines, I took satisfaction in knowing that my tremendous effort was able to play a small part in improving the English of a generation of HNEU's students.
KurekoHikari   
Aug 23, 2020
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing TASK 2 (Cambridge 4): Happiness factors [3]

@amy322
I'm just gonna fix some grammar mistakes, starting from the top:
"it is hard to define what is happiness"

"... make us feel happy"

"We often think that when we reach specific points in life we will ... we find it is difficult to say ..."

"which are forever changing"

"... since these factors are what matter to us the most."

"being appreciative "

"... to think in an appreciative way"

"... love and appreciations to others"

Keep going, you're almost there ^^
KurekoHikari   
Aug 23, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1- Line gragh shows the percentage of women employed in four country [3]

I think that overall, this essay is pretty solid, however there's a few things i would like to add. I think there's too many "there was", so please consider paraphrasing it. Also, a major problem in your essay is that there's almost no comparison, you need to make more comparison between the countries, for example, between Afghanistan and France, how steadily grew while the other plummeted. It would also do your essay good to put in more transitional words, for ex: Furthermore, Despite of, Nevertheless .....
KurekoHikari   
Aug 22, 2020
Scholarship / University Scholarship Essay Prompt: Write about a contemporary figure you admire (4000 characters) [2]

The Rock



People's heroes' nicknames are usually very flamboyant: Drake, Lady Gaga, Superman, but mine is a rock, no, he is The Rock.

At the tender age of 14, Dwayne Johnson's entire family was evicted from Hawaii, and as he turned 16, the jail cell has already become his second home, due to multiple arrests. However, if there was one lesson he learned, from a cozy bed to sleeping on the streets on bone-chilling nights: life is not fair unless you make it fair, and the only way to do that: strenuous hard work. Determined to craft a better future for himself and his family, Johnson worked and trained relentlessly, until one day, the door to a career in the NFL started widening.

Yet, a cruel injury robbed him of that future, rendering years of effort meaningless, leaving the young man hopeless, bitterly disappointed and broke while shouldering the burden of being the sole breadwinner for his family. He could have stayed and drowned in that desperate moment, in what people thought of him, an unfortunate victim of fate, but Johnson picked himself up, and entered the ring of pro-wrestling where he would be immortalized in the history book as "The Rock".

Now with money, power and world-wide fame, Dwayne Johnson was once again confronted with the choice: to remain the character labeled to him, a brute wrestler, or undergo another arduous training process to potentially become something more?. Announced as the highest-paid actor in 2020, The Rock provided the perfect answer to that question.

I was never evicted, arrested or made homeless, and yet the desperation of living as a kind of person people took me for, worse off, to actually believe them, is a familiar feeling. Entering 11th grade, my classmates were achieving straight-As in class and participating in numerous extracurricular activities and projects, living their best high school life. Meanwhile, on some mornings my lone aspiration was to fall asleep and never wake up again. I defined myself as the "shy kid", socially awkward, too scared to meet new people and interact.

On a miserable summer morning, a video titled: "The Rock's story" captured my interest. Before that, I only knew him as the "WWE guy" or "Hobbs", the movie star who had it all, but when I witnessed his struggles, his story inspired me unlike any other. There was a quote in the video that I have ingrained forever into my mind, what he said when his football dream disintegrated before his eyes:

"Had 7 dollars in my pocket, I knew two things, I was broke as hell, and one day I won't be"

Those words shook me to the core. How could a person, at his lowest point in life, make such an awe-inspiring statement with absolute confidence? How could he believe? It was not only a belief, it was cold affirmation, as in his own words: "I was going to outwork everyone in the room"

After 15 minutes of almost gluing my eyes to the screen, I sank back into the chair, pondering about his story, subtly feeling the massive upcoming change in my life, not because it happened to me, but because I wielded it. I took the first steps, chatting with my friends at class more, asking strangers on the street for directions, and watching self-help videos.

It was a grueling process, panic attacks and anxieties thwarted me at every turn, the sickening feeling of possible rejections haunted me. There were often times where I betrayed myself and backed down, but I always crawled back, gradually getting comfortable with the discomfort. Though shackled with internal struggles, I have never felt more free, for once in my life, I had full control over my identity.

I actively sought for projects to volunteer in, desiring a chance to hone my skills and pushing my social limits. Determined to change the names people called me, I burst through my own safe bubble, joining clubs, projects, and school activities. I was a content writer, event planner, designer and perhaps most importantly, a more confident person. The accumulation of experience broadened my horizons, attaining crucial skills and meeting amazing like-minded individuals, creating bonds all the while working together to contribute to the community. I am no longer the shy kid, I am now my own man

Many speculate about the name's origin, but to me, "The Rock" embodies the unshakable, unfaltering, rock-solid determination that one can become the person they strive to be so long as they put in the work. Reflecting, I take pride in knowing that I chose to act in that moment, willingly pushing myself out of the shell to become who I was meant to be, instead of sticking with the label other people put on me. Though still a long way from catching up to my fellow peers, there is one promise I could always make: I will outwork everyone in the room.
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