bluekleenexx
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Penn Community essay - Wind Ensemble, QuakeRaas and West Philly Tutoring Project [4]
Thank you! I definitely will read your UChicago essay ASAP!
Thank you! I definitely will read your UChicago essay ASAP!
bluekleenexx
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Penn Community essay - Wind Ensemble, QuakeRaas and West Philly Tutoring Project [4]
Just looking for a few suggestions on how to fix this one up. Thanks!
Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.
Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?
I sat nervously, my back straight and feet flat on the floor. I had been an official high school student for only ten minutes, but my stress level was already at a record level - my homeroom teacher had handed me about fifteen different handouts within the last ninety seconds. As we watched the "Welcome to State High" video, she passed out a sixteenth. Hesitant to read it at first, I noticed it was titled "Student Activities for 2006-2007" and decided to take a scan - my stress level plummeted. Always enjoying extracurricular activities, I soon perused the list to find activities that even slightly roused my interest. I proceeded to join three clubs of which I am still a member, and have enjoyed every moment of my involvement. I plan to continue my participation in out-of-classroom activities in college, hopeful that my extracurricular involvement at the University of Pennsylvania will allow me the same excitement as my high school activities.
The performing arts community at Penn offers a wide array of stimulating activities. The most appealing activity to me, however, is music. First beginning piano lessons at the age of six and being dubbed her "star" by my piano teacher, I jumped on the opportunity to join the school band in fourth grade, choosing the alto saxophone. I held my position as lead alto until I switched to the tenor saxophone during my final year of middle school. Suddenly able to view the saxophone from an unfamiliar perspective and consequently becoming more interested in the instrument, I found myself attending weekly practices for concert band, symphonic band, jazz band, and county band. Upon entering high school and shifting my focus to classical saxophone studies, I made the decision to be a member of the musical community in college as well. The Penn Wind Ensemble will allow me to further cultivate my classical saxophone skills as well as my ability to play in an ensemble. I will be able to use the skills I have attained through my previous nine years of saxophone studies to perform the diverse repertoire of music to my fullest potential. Additionally, its audition requirement will force me to maintain my skills at a competitive level and participate in other ensembles as well.
Another activity in the performing arts which interests me is Penn QuakeRaas. In a nation whose culture is rooted in diversity, I take every opportunity to celebrate my Indian culture. My first public dance performance was at the age of six at my local Indian community's annual Diwali function. After receiving encouragement and accolades from elders in my community, I was inspired to continue. I proceeded to perform every year, experimenting with a different dance form each year. In high school, I began performing for the Dandia on Fire national dance competition held by the Penn State Raas team. As soon as each performance ended, I began imagining how to make the next one even better. Before long, I made the decision to perform at these events at the collegiate level as well, this time competing on a university team. Penn QuakeRaas will give me the opportunity to interact with other Indian students who also enjoy dancing. My previous dance experience will allow me to exhibit my creativity in choreographing our routines and lead the team to victory. QuakeRaas will be one organization where I will be able to truly excel due to my strong attachment to my culture and my love for dancing.
Aside from the performing arts, I plan to be active in the West Philadelphia Tutoring Project, which will allow me to pursue my strong interest in community service in an underdeveloped academic setting. I have always felt that community service is the least I can do to serve my community, participating in community functions to benefit the Association for India's Development as a kindergartener and volunteering at the local hospital weekly as a senior in high school. Through my positions as a math club tutor and a tutor at Kumon Learning Center, I have spent hours of one-on-one time with these students - not only offering homework help, but also lending advice on personal difficulties. These activities provide me with ample experience to be a successful tutor in West Philadelphia schools. By maintaining a prosperous mentoring relationship, I will offer a disadvantaged adolescent the support necessary to achieve high grades, complete high school, and attend college - something often forfeited for drugs, crime, and poverty.
By remaining active in extracurricular organizations, my contribution to Penn will extend beyond traditional academic pursuits, transcending pencil and paper. As a member of the Wind Ensemble, I will interact with students sharing similar musical talents and impart my ideas in a fashion that will improve the group as a whole. By partaking in Penn QuakeRaas, I will encounter students who share my strong cultural values and thus be able to make a difference in Penn's Indian community. Finally, by mentoring inner city students from West Philadelphia schools, I will provide disadvantaged students with the support needed to launch a successful life. My participation in these activities will allow me to not only make a positive impact on the larger Penn community, but also continue the portion of my life that began when I received that sheet of paper ten minutes after the start of high school.
Just looking for a few suggestions on how to fix this one up. Thanks!
Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.
Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?
I sat nervously, my back straight and feet flat on the floor. I had been an official high school student for only ten minutes, but my stress level was already at a record level - my homeroom teacher had handed me about fifteen different handouts within the last ninety seconds. As we watched the "Welcome to State High" video, she passed out a sixteenth. Hesitant to read it at first, I noticed it was titled "Student Activities for 2006-2007" and decided to take a scan - my stress level plummeted. Always enjoying extracurricular activities, I soon perused the list to find activities that even slightly roused my interest. I proceeded to join three clubs of which I am still a member, and have enjoyed every moment of my involvement. I plan to continue my participation in out-of-classroom activities in college, hopeful that my extracurricular involvement at the University of Pennsylvania will allow me the same excitement as my high school activities.
The performing arts community at Penn offers a wide array of stimulating activities. The most appealing activity to me, however, is music. First beginning piano lessons at the age of six and being dubbed her "star" by my piano teacher, I jumped on the opportunity to join the school band in fourth grade, choosing the alto saxophone. I held my position as lead alto until I switched to the tenor saxophone during my final year of middle school. Suddenly able to view the saxophone from an unfamiliar perspective and consequently becoming more interested in the instrument, I found myself attending weekly practices for concert band, symphonic band, jazz band, and county band. Upon entering high school and shifting my focus to classical saxophone studies, I made the decision to be a member of the musical community in college as well. The Penn Wind Ensemble will allow me to further cultivate my classical saxophone skills as well as my ability to play in an ensemble. I will be able to use the skills I have attained through my previous nine years of saxophone studies to perform the diverse repertoire of music to my fullest potential. Additionally, its audition requirement will force me to maintain my skills at a competitive level and participate in other ensembles as well.
Another activity in the performing arts which interests me is Penn QuakeRaas. In a nation whose culture is rooted in diversity, I take every opportunity to celebrate my Indian culture. My first public dance performance was at the age of six at my local Indian community's annual Diwali function. After receiving encouragement and accolades from elders in my community, I was inspired to continue. I proceeded to perform every year, experimenting with a different dance form each year. In high school, I began performing for the Dandia on Fire national dance competition held by the Penn State Raas team. As soon as each performance ended, I began imagining how to make the next one even better. Before long, I made the decision to perform at these events at the collegiate level as well, this time competing on a university team. Penn QuakeRaas will give me the opportunity to interact with other Indian students who also enjoy dancing. My previous dance experience will allow me to exhibit my creativity in choreographing our routines and lead the team to victory. QuakeRaas will be one organization where I will be able to truly excel due to my strong attachment to my culture and my love for dancing.
Aside from the performing arts, I plan to be active in the West Philadelphia Tutoring Project, which will allow me to pursue my strong interest in community service in an underdeveloped academic setting. I have always felt that community service is the least I can do to serve my community, participating in community functions to benefit the Association for India's Development as a kindergartener and volunteering at the local hospital weekly as a senior in high school. Through my positions as a math club tutor and a tutor at Kumon Learning Center, I have spent hours of one-on-one time with these students - not only offering homework help, but also lending advice on personal difficulties. These activities provide me with ample experience to be a successful tutor in West Philadelphia schools. By maintaining a prosperous mentoring relationship, I will offer a disadvantaged adolescent the support necessary to achieve high grades, complete high school, and attend college - something often forfeited for drugs, crime, and poverty.
By remaining active in extracurricular organizations, my contribution to Penn will extend beyond traditional academic pursuits, transcending pencil and paper. As a member of the Wind Ensemble, I will interact with students sharing similar musical talents and impart my ideas in a fashion that will improve the group as a whole. By partaking in Penn QuakeRaas, I will encounter students who share my strong cultural values and thus be able to make a difference in Penn's Indian community. Finally, by mentoring inner city students from West Philadelphia schools, I will provide disadvantaged students with the support needed to launch a successful life. My participation in these activities will allow me to not only make a positive impact on the larger Penn community, but also continue the portion of my life that began when I received that sheet of paper ten minutes after the start of high school.
bluekleenexx
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]
hmmm idk how I feel about the cheesecake thing, because it won't really help the Rice people learn more about you. It will just tell them that you like cheesecake, which is not enough of a characteristic to help them decide whether or not you are worthy of attending their institution. while it is creative and witty, idk if that's exactly what they're looking for. if you do choose to use the cheesecake, then make sure the rest of your app is very strong and conveys a lot about who you are. as for the calculus-related thing, i do like that idea. however, take some creative liberties with the image you upload. maybe make it a picture of the golden gate bridge or something, and attach a little explanation (if possible) about how the designers of the bridge surely used calculus in designing it (i'm sure the arches are a quadratic function or something of some sort) and how that bridge signifies what you hope to do/build with your mathematics education. or something like that. idk just a thought. hope it helps!
hmmm idk how I feel about the cheesecake thing, because it won't really help the Rice people learn more about you. It will just tell them that you like cheesecake, which is not enough of a characteristic to help them decide whether or not you are worthy of attending their institution. while it is creative and witty, idk if that's exactly what they're looking for. if you do choose to use the cheesecake, then make sure the rest of your app is very strong and conveys a lot about who you are. as for the calculus-related thing, i do like that idea. however, take some creative liberties with the image you upload. maybe make it a picture of the golden gate bridge or something, and attach a little explanation (if possible) about how the designers of the bridge surely used calculus in designing it (i'm sure the arches are a quadratic function or something of some sort) and how that bridge signifies what you hope to do/build with your mathematics education. or something like that. idk just a thought. hope it helps!
bluekleenexx
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / What challenged you - supplement - fit for the prompt? [4]
yes, i think this fits the prompt just fine. you describe how the book impacted you (more specifically you pretty much describe how the book "unsettled" you), which is what they're looking for. so you're good.
also, i would change the colon in the last paragraph to a semicolon or a dash. i would also change the semicolon in the third paragraph to a dash. good luck!
yes, i think this fits the prompt just fine. you describe how the book impacted you (more specifically you pretty much describe how the book "unsettled" you), which is what they're looking for. so you're good.
also, i would change the colon in the last paragraph to a semicolon or a dash. i would also change the semicolon in the third paragraph to a dash. good luck!
bluekleenexx
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Princeton Summers (or vacations between school years) [3]
Hey guys, I'm just looking for a little feedback on how to improve this short answer. I don't really think of it as an essay, so I didn't format it like one. I just formatted it as an informative short answer; I didn't make it too creative.
Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.
During the summer before my junior year, I attended the Global Young Leaders Conference, where I learned about the critical role the United Nations plays in international political relations. I interacted with intellectual students from around the globe, learning about various aspects of their unique cultures. From each encounter, I learned a new tidbit of information about Indonesian cinema, Japanese snack foods, and Latin American music. After returning from the conference, I attended the Penn State Summer Music Camp, where I played the tenor saxophone in the concert band and in an honors saxophone chamber quartet. This camp also gave me the opportunity to take courses in music history, advanced piano composition, and film music to supplement my existing musical knowledge and abilities. My summer culminated with a family retreat to Japan, where we immersed ourselves in the vibrant Japanese culture and trekked to historical monuments in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Hiroshima. During my off-time from these activities, I took private saxophone lessons and volunteered at the local hospital.
During the summer preceding my senior year, I took three courses at Pennsylvania State University. One month before the end of my junior year, I began an introductory Spanish course as the only high school student in a classroom full of adults. I also took a mathematics course, focusing on multivariable calculus, as well as a bio-behavioral health course, focusing on how drugs and medications affect one's behavior and health. While these courses were challenging, they taught me more advanced study skills and how to effectively manage my time. They also made me confident in my abilities to pursue a fast-paced college course, preparing me for a rigorous college curriculum in the future. I complemented my coursework with laboratory research in a microbiology laboratory at Penn State's Department of Veterinary and Biomedical Sciences. Under the supervision of my mentor, I investigated the bacterial agents responsible for infections in farm cattle and used my results to devise treatment and prevention methods. I learned various laboratory techniques such as Gram staining, polymerase chain reaction (PCR), random amplified polymorphic DNA (RAPD) assays, and gel electrophoresis. My laboratory work heightened my interest in biomedical science and epidemiology, inspiring me to shift my volunteer work at the local hospital from the snack bar to patient floors. Additionally, between my classes and laboratory work, I bussed to the community YMCA daily in order to stay in shape and continued my saxophone studies with my private teacher.
Hey guys, I'm just looking for a little feedback on how to improve this short answer. I don't really think of it as an essay, so I didn't format it like one. I just formatted it as an informative short answer; I didn't make it too creative.
Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.
During the summer before my junior year, I attended the Global Young Leaders Conference, where I learned about the critical role the United Nations plays in international political relations. I interacted with intellectual students from around the globe, learning about various aspects of their unique cultures. From each encounter, I learned a new tidbit of information about Indonesian cinema, Japanese snack foods, and Latin American music. After returning from the conference, I attended the Penn State Summer Music Camp, where I played the tenor saxophone in the concert band and in an honors saxophone chamber quartet. This camp also gave me the opportunity to take courses in music history, advanced piano composition, and film music to supplement my existing musical knowledge and abilities. My summer culminated with a family retreat to Japan, where we immersed ourselves in the vibrant Japanese culture and trekked to historical monuments in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Hiroshima. During my off-time from these activities, I took private saxophone lessons and volunteered at the local hospital.
During the summer preceding my senior year, I took three courses at Pennsylvania State University. One month before the end of my junior year, I began an introductory Spanish course as the only high school student in a classroom full of adults. I also took a mathematics course, focusing on multivariable calculus, as well as a bio-behavioral health course, focusing on how drugs and medications affect one's behavior and health. While these courses were challenging, they taught me more advanced study skills and how to effectively manage my time. They also made me confident in my abilities to pursue a fast-paced college course, preparing me for a rigorous college curriculum in the future. I complemented my coursework with laboratory research in a microbiology laboratory at Penn State's Department of Veterinary and Biomedical Sciences. Under the supervision of my mentor, I investigated the bacterial agents responsible for infections in farm cattle and used my results to devise treatment and prevention methods. I learned various laboratory techniques such as Gram staining, polymerase chain reaction (PCR), random amplified polymorphic DNA (RAPD) assays, and gel electrophoresis. My laboratory work heightened my interest in biomedical science and epidemiology, inspiring me to shift my volunteer work at the local hospital from the snack bar to patient floors. Additionally, between my classes and laboratory work, I bussed to the community YMCA daily in order to stay in shape and continued my saxophone studies with my private teacher.
bluekleenexx
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Hardware issues' - MIT Creativity Essay (a time you used your creativity) [5]
I have always been passionate about technology and its ability to profoundly affect the world around us. Thus, when I noticed that my school was tabulating grades by hand, by all accounts a very inefficient process, I set out to change it.
I would put "by all accounts a very inefficient process" in parentheses or something. Commas are not appropriate here
Since I am an avid supporter of open source software, I decided to design a server that would use the GNU/Linux operating system.
is GNU/Linux "open source" software? Computers are not my forte, so I do not know. You may want to make this a little more clear.
After showing the principal and teachers a demo, I received their enthusiastic support as well as a desktop on which I was allowed to experiment.
Which teachers? all of your teachers? your best bet would probably be to say "a few teachers"
After showing the principal and teachers a demo, I received their enthusiastic support as well as a desktop on which I was allowed to experiment.
I feel like "platform" is a more appropriate word here than "desktop"
The first complications were hardware issues.
You never transition into there being issues in the first place. You might want to start this paragraph with something like "However, no project comes without its share of roadblocks" or something like that
Most of the hardware at the school was nearly obsolete.
After a bit of patient explanation, they did come around and have made the server their tool of choice.
"tool" isn't really the right word here.
I was able to put my skill at analyzing problems and my knowledge of computers together into something that benefited the school as a whole.
I would say "analytical skills" instead of "still at analyzing problems." If you do want to structure it that way, though, "at" is not the correct preposition to follow skill -- "in" is the correct preposition, I believe.
I have always been passionate about technology and its ability to profoundly affect the world around us. Thus, when I noticed that my school was tabulating grades by hand, by all accounts a very inefficient process, I set out to change it.
I would put "by all accounts a very inefficient process" in parentheses or something. Commas are not appropriate here
Since I am an avid supporter of open source software, I decided to design a server that would use the GNU/Linux operating system.
is GNU/Linux "open source" software? Computers are not my forte, so I do not know. You may want to make this a little more clear.
After showing the principal and teachers a demo, I received their enthusiastic support as well as a desktop on which I was allowed to experiment.
Which teachers? all of your teachers? your best bet would probably be to say "a few teachers"
After showing the principal and teachers a demo, I received their enthusiastic support as well as a desktop on which I was allowed to experiment.
I feel like "platform" is a more appropriate word here than "desktop"
The first complications were hardware issues.
You never transition into there being issues in the first place. You might want to start this paragraph with something like "However, no project comes without its share of roadblocks" or something like that
Most of the hardware at the school was nearly obsolete.
After a bit of patient explanation, they did come around and have made the server their tool of choice.
"tool" isn't really the right word here.
I was able to put my skill at analyzing problems and my knowledge of computers together into something that benefited the school as a whole.
I would say "analytical skills" instead of "still at analyzing problems." If you do want to structure it that way, though, "at" is not the correct preposition to follow skill -- "in" is the correct preposition, I believe.
bluekleenexx
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "Molecular Biology" - Carnegie - why you want to pursue your intended major [2]
Just looking for a few comments about how to improve it. If there are any specific awkward sentence structures or anything, let me know! Thanks!!!!
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
As I was sipping lassi and munching on samosas at a family friend's dinner party, an uncle approached me, interrupting my bonding session with my favorite snacks. "So, son, what do you want to do when you grow up?" he pointedly inquired. A dubious eleven-year-old, I was unsure how to reply. I settled upon the cliché response: "I want to help people." However, to me this response was not cliché; it was the truth.
Ascending the academic ladder from learning how to color inside the lines to deriving the equations for centripetal acceleration, I reached my final year of high school. Science had always been my favorite subject, with biology piquing my interest the most. Ever since my first biology class in ninth grade, I knew it was the science I truly wanted to study, since it would enable me to directly impact the lives of others. Throughout high school, I have pursued this interest via various outlets, such as Science Olympiad, volunteer work at the local hospital, and research in a microbiology laboratory at the Pennsylvania State University's Department of Veterinary and Biomedical Sciences. Each activity only reaffirms my interest in this evolving field, inspiring me to major in Molecular Biology.
Between my sophomore and junior years, I represented my school at the Global Young Leaders Conference, which taught me how the United Nations plays a role in international political relations. At this conference, I discovered my true passion: public health. As a member of the health commission, I worked closely with my fellow diplomats from around the world to draft a resolution concerning the global dissemination of health care. As we discussed the topic at hand, I slowly arrived at the realization that global health was more of a microscopic issue than a macroscopic one. My research in a microbiology laboratory validated this conclusion. Under the supervision of my mentor, I investigated the bacterial agents responsible for infections in farm cattle and used my results to devise treatment and prevention methods. I learned that laboratory research can have a monumental impact on those living in impoverished societies, due to rapidly occurring new developments in laboratory technology. Such invigorating possibilities have inspired me to study the very science that governs the function of our bodies and open the door to future discoveries of my own.
As infectious diseases become more prevalent throughout the world, groundbreaking research becomes increasingly vital. Through my studies at Carnegie Mellon University, I will make maximal use of my resources, specifically the opportunity to conduct my own research and learn from the world's leading professors. This will allow me to fine-tune an education to foster my individual interests - to improve the lives of others through medical research. Additionally, the advising resources offered by the Mellon College of Science will allow me to obtain internships with biomedical research organizations where I will not only exercise my knowledge of biomedical science, but also obtain insight into the inner workings of a large research agency.
Ultimately, I plan to lead a cutting-edge biomedical laboratory researching the agents responsible for the spread of diseases throughout the globe's diverse communities. My studies at Carnegie Mellon University will grant me admission to some of the world's most competitive graduate programs, where I hope to earn a Ph.D. in a field related to infectious disease. With my future research, I plan to develop vaccinations and treatments for those whom I have personally seen living in congested slums on the roadsides of urban India. By making a positive impact on the life of just one other person, I will have made a positive impact on the world. Such an impact will have stemmed not only from the discoveries I made in my laboratory, but also from the education I received from one of the world's top-class institutions.
Just looking for a few comments about how to improve it. If there are any specific awkward sentence structures or anything, let me know! Thanks!!!!
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
As I was sipping lassi and munching on samosas at a family friend's dinner party, an uncle approached me, interrupting my bonding session with my favorite snacks. "So, son, what do you want to do when you grow up?" he pointedly inquired. A dubious eleven-year-old, I was unsure how to reply. I settled upon the cliché response: "I want to help people." However, to me this response was not cliché; it was the truth.
Ascending the academic ladder from learning how to color inside the lines to deriving the equations for centripetal acceleration, I reached my final year of high school. Science had always been my favorite subject, with biology piquing my interest the most. Ever since my first biology class in ninth grade, I knew it was the science I truly wanted to study, since it would enable me to directly impact the lives of others. Throughout high school, I have pursued this interest via various outlets, such as Science Olympiad, volunteer work at the local hospital, and research in a microbiology laboratory at the Pennsylvania State University's Department of Veterinary and Biomedical Sciences. Each activity only reaffirms my interest in this evolving field, inspiring me to major in Molecular Biology.
Between my sophomore and junior years, I represented my school at the Global Young Leaders Conference, which taught me how the United Nations plays a role in international political relations. At this conference, I discovered my true passion: public health. As a member of the health commission, I worked closely with my fellow diplomats from around the world to draft a resolution concerning the global dissemination of health care. As we discussed the topic at hand, I slowly arrived at the realization that global health was more of a microscopic issue than a macroscopic one. My research in a microbiology laboratory validated this conclusion. Under the supervision of my mentor, I investigated the bacterial agents responsible for infections in farm cattle and used my results to devise treatment and prevention methods. I learned that laboratory research can have a monumental impact on those living in impoverished societies, due to rapidly occurring new developments in laboratory technology. Such invigorating possibilities have inspired me to study the very science that governs the function of our bodies and open the door to future discoveries of my own.
As infectious diseases become more prevalent throughout the world, groundbreaking research becomes increasingly vital. Through my studies at Carnegie Mellon University, I will make maximal use of my resources, specifically the opportunity to conduct my own research and learn from the world's leading professors. This will allow me to fine-tune an education to foster my individual interests - to improve the lives of others through medical research. Additionally, the advising resources offered by the Mellon College of Science will allow me to obtain internships with biomedical research organizations where I will not only exercise my knowledge of biomedical science, but also obtain insight into the inner workings of a large research agency.
Ultimately, I plan to lead a cutting-edge biomedical laboratory researching the agents responsible for the spread of diseases throughout the globe's diverse communities. My studies at Carnegie Mellon University will grant me admission to some of the world's most competitive graduate programs, where I hope to earn a Ph.D. in a field related to infectious disease. With my future research, I plan to develop vaccinations and treatments for those whom I have personally seen living in congested slums on the roadsides of urban India. By making a positive impact on the life of just one other person, I will have made a positive impact on the world. Such an impact will have stemmed not only from the discoveries I made in my laboratory, but also from the education I received from one of the world's top-class institutions.
bluekleenexx
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - murder trial [5]
is this the activity description for the common app? if so, i would change the last sentence to be more summative and so that it better indicates that it is about an activity that you do, not your father's job.
also, here i would combine the sentence with a colon:
Through my work, I uncover an anomaly. A cell phone signal is miles outside the coverage area, calling into question the accuracy of the cell phone data.
is this the activity description for the common app? if so, i would change the last sentence to be more summative and so that it better indicates that it is about an activity that you do, not your father's job.
also, here i would combine the sentence with a colon:
Through my work, I uncover an anomaly. A cell phone signal is miles outside the coverage area, calling into question the accuracy of the cell phone data.
bluekleenexx
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "my first biology class" - Duke Supplement Essay [4]
I can really imagine myself in a crowd of frenzied Dukies, cheering on the Blue Devils, partaking in a variety of extracurriculars, particularly the Visual Arts Committee or Ultimate Frisbee, or just relaxing in Duke Gardens.
i dont know how i feel about the word "frenzied." it just doesn't seem appropriate here
overall, it's a good essay! i like it a lot! good job and good luck
I can really imagine myself in a crowd of frenzied Dukies, cheering on the Blue Devils, partaking in a variety of extracurriculars, particularly the Visual Arts Committee or Ultimate Frisbee, or just relaxing in Duke Gardens.
i dont know how i feel about the word "frenzied." it just doesn't seem appropriate here
overall, it's a good essay! i like it a lot! good job and good luck
bluekleenexx
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "Chapter 28" - Penn Supplement - one page from my autobiography [3]
Hey guys, I'm just looking for a few comments on how to improve it. Thanks!
Chapter 28
Many of my peers didn't understand my hobby, which was somewhat of a secret. They classified it as "strange" that I - a male teenager - danced. The commencement of high school was marked by two significant changes in my life: needing to get up 12 minutes earlier to catch the big kids bus and weekly evening dance practices. As I would sit at the lunch table and describe to my friends the exciting escapades of my rehearsals, I would be ridiculed by eavesdroppers at the adjacent tables. However, I simply did not care about their feelings towards my hobby, retorting words that reflected this outlook. I was not going to let anything stand in the way of my enjoyment of my Indian culture - one in which men and women alike move their bodies to lively songs.
Ever since I was physically able to imitate my sister's steps as she practiced her Indian classical dance, my legs have automatically energized at the sound of an upbeat tune. After my first public performance at the age of six, I learned that I enjoy displaying my abilities to people other than just my sister. I began to perform regularly at my local Indian community's annual cultural functions. Every fall I would run evening rehearsals, culminating in the annual Diwali function at the end of the season. Choreographing my dances was always a bit of a challenge, but it was one of the few challenges that I genuinely enjoyed.
During the fall of my freshman year, my friends and I began practicing for our performance at the year's function. As we spent countless hours in each others' basements devising unique steps, I allowed my creative side to overtake my typically composed countenance - I found myself immersed in the breathless flow of the music and the throb of the beat. Within months, our dance was complete, ready to be performed on the intimidating stage.
A week before the performance, the local newspaper ran a story advertising the show. Included in the article was a picture of my friends and me practicing our dance at a dress rehearsal. When I first saw the article, I was concerned. Would I have to endure even more ridicule during lunch now that there was a photograph to accompany my numerous stories? These nonsensical notions were soon followed by a surge of assurance, however, as I remembered that the opinions of others were immaterial in my pursuit of my culture; the support of my family and community was all I needed.
Soon, I was lined up backstage with my fellow dancers. As I heard the music roar to the last row of the auditorium, I made my entrance. As I approached the center of the stage, my legs oscillated from side to side while my arms wavered to the pulsating beat. The audience cheered riotously and my excitement intensified. As I powered through the overly rehearsed routine, I remembered the anxiety I felt as news of my culturally traditional hobby circulated around my school. It seemed petty compared to the jubilation I felt as I performed. I was energized by the audience, each shout-out pushing me to perform the next step with more oomph than the one before. I was relieved to see the spectacle my friends and I had choreographed being met with a positive response. I could not wait for the excitement I would relive when I returned the next year, drawing on the encouragement of those closest to me and celebrating the culture that has allowed me this pleasure.
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Chapter 28
Many of my peers didn't understand my hobby, which was somewhat of a secret. They classified it as "strange" that I - a male teenager - danced. The commencement of high school was marked by two significant changes in my life: needing to get up 12 minutes earlier to catch the big kids bus and weekly evening dance practices. As I would sit at the lunch table and describe to my friends the exciting escapades of my rehearsals, I would be ridiculed by eavesdroppers at the adjacent tables. However, I simply did not care about their feelings towards my hobby, retorting words that reflected this outlook. I was not going to let anything stand in the way of my enjoyment of my Indian culture - one in which men and women alike move their bodies to lively songs.
Ever since I was physically able to imitate my sister's steps as she practiced her Indian classical dance, my legs have automatically energized at the sound of an upbeat tune. After my first public performance at the age of six, I learned that I enjoy displaying my abilities to people other than just my sister. I began to perform regularly at my local Indian community's annual cultural functions. Every fall I would run evening rehearsals, culminating in the annual Diwali function at the end of the season. Choreographing my dances was always a bit of a challenge, but it was one of the few challenges that I genuinely enjoyed.
During the fall of my freshman year, my friends and I began practicing for our performance at the year's function. As we spent countless hours in each others' basements devising unique steps, I allowed my creative side to overtake my typically composed countenance - I found myself immersed in the breathless flow of the music and the throb of the beat. Within months, our dance was complete, ready to be performed on the intimidating stage.
A week before the performance, the local newspaper ran a story advertising the show. Included in the article was a picture of my friends and me practicing our dance at a dress rehearsal. When I first saw the article, I was concerned. Would I have to endure even more ridicule during lunch now that there was a photograph to accompany my numerous stories? These nonsensical notions were soon followed by a surge of assurance, however, as I remembered that the opinions of others were immaterial in my pursuit of my culture; the support of my family and community was all I needed.
Soon, I was lined up backstage with my fellow dancers. As I heard the music roar to the last row of the auditorium, I made my entrance. As I approached the center of the stage, my legs oscillated from side to side while my arms wavered to the pulsating beat. The audience cheered riotously and my excitement intensified. As I powered through the overly rehearsed routine, I remembered the anxiety I felt as news of my culturally traditional hobby circulated around my school. It seemed petty compared to the jubilation I felt as I performed. I was energized by the audience, each shout-out pushing me to perform the next step with more oomph than the one before. I was relieved to see the spectacle my friends and I had choreographed being met with a positive response. I could not wait for the excitement I would relive when I returned the next year, drawing on the encouragement of those closest to me and celebrating the culture that has allowed me this pleasure.
bluekleenexx
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "not prepared to return to suburbia" - Significant Challenge [2]
Hey guys, I'm just looking for a few tips on how to improve this essay. Post any comments please! Thanks!
A sheet of paper lied within the grasp of my fingertips. The Congressional Youth Leadership Council's logo was splayed across the top, my full name and address stationed directly below. The words underneath invited me to participate in the 2008 Global Young Leaders Conference, immediately exciting me. This moment replayed in my mind as my parents and I were packing our minivan for the four-hour journey to the conference's venue: the nation's capital. According to the letter, I would learn how a global government functions and how individual nations play a role in this regime. What the letter failed to tell me, however, was that the conference would also teach me how to step out of my comfort zone into an environment packed with complete strangers, foreign customs, and unfamiliar feelings.
Seconds after pulling out of the driveway en route to Washington, my parents and I began our usual argument about which CD to pop into the stereo. I preferred the fresh tracks of the latest Bollywood hit Race, while my parents predictably campaigned for their favorite album of oldies. This polarized dispute reminded me of the argument with my parents days after opening the letter. Disinclined to send me away for two full weeks, they insisted, "Nahin, beta (no, son)." Eventually, my expressions of passionate interest won them over; however, a little voice inside my head continually reminded me of my doubts about leaving home for more than a night and being completely in the presence of strangers. With the conference still months away, I ignored these fears. As the time until summer elapsed, that little voice continued to become louder and my apprehension continued to intensify relentlessly.
Finally, our minivan pulled into the parking lot of the high-rise Sheraton where the conference's first week was set to transpire. As we unloaded my suitcase from our vehicle, a representative from the conference greeted us. She sported a t-shirt featuring the organization's logo - a symbol I knew would dwell in the corner of my eye for the next two weeks. Soon the moment of the goodbyes came, met with loving hugs from both parents and the expected "Apna khayaal rakhna (Take care of yourself)." By the end of the day, 200 miles would separate me from any form of familiarity.
After sending a mass text message containing a simple "What's up?" to a few of my friends, I sighted a fellow scholar who looked just as lost as me. I trudged to his seat and began conversation with the suggested greeting: "Hey! I'm Rishi and I'm from the United States. What's your name?"
"Hi, I'm André and I'm from France," he responded through a thick French accent. I was astounded, about to have my first conversation with a native French speaker. Still receiving congratulations for recently winning 4th place nationally on the National French Exam, I was semi-confident in my French skills. I snapped into French mode and soon made my first new friend. I was now assured that, for the duration of the conference, I would be able to recognize at least one face.
With each elapsing day at the conference, I became more excited about what the next one had in store for me and my fears gradually dwindled. With each simulation of the United Nations, I gained a few new familiar faces. I worked closely with fellow students from all around the globe and acquired new knowledge about the different cultures my peers brought to the table, literally. When the time came to draft our final resolution, I felt more comfortable than ever sharing my ideas with people my own age whom, just a week earlier, I would have passed in a crowded hallway without waving my hand.
Finally, the time for our final simulation - a mock global summit in the United Nations headquarters in New York City - had arrived. As I sat anxiously in my seat, I peered across the intimidating conference chamber, picturing dictators and prime ministers deliberating over various bills and resolutions. I chatted with my fellow diplomats in the Venezuela country-group about what actions we were planning on taking in this final summit. Before the proceedings began, I took one last glance around. I was proud to realize that I could identify by name and nationality more than three quarters of my peers in the room.
By the time the conference concluded, I was not prepared to return to suburbia. In the short span of two weeks, I overcame an atmosphere of overwhelming trepidation and accepted it for the opportunities it could potentially bring. I came to the realization that not only is a step out of my comfort zone crucial for growth and maturation, but also that I can learn plenty from taking a simple chance. Through this adventure, I have learned that trekking into a world of unfamiliarity engenders more than anxiety; it allows one to reach new heights in life. I am now confident in my abilities to tackle any challenge that life has to offer me - whether it is another conference, the United Nations, or college.
Hey guys, I'm just looking for a few tips on how to improve this essay. Post any comments please! Thanks!
A sheet of paper lied within the grasp of my fingertips. The Congressional Youth Leadership Council's logo was splayed across the top, my full name and address stationed directly below. The words underneath invited me to participate in the 2008 Global Young Leaders Conference, immediately exciting me. This moment replayed in my mind as my parents and I were packing our minivan for the four-hour journey to the conference's venue: the nation's capital. According to the letter, I would learn how a global government functions and how individual nations play a role in this regime. What the letter failed to tell me, however, was that the conference would also teach me how to step out of my comfort zone into an environment packed with complete strangers, foreign customs, and unfamiliar feelings.
Seconds after pulling out of the driveway en route to Washington, my parents and I began our usual argument about which CD to pop into the stereo. I preferred the fresh tracks of the latest Bollywood hit Race, while my parents predictably campaigned for their favorite album of oldies. This polarized dispute reminded me of the argument with my parents days after opening the letter. Disinclined to send me away for two full weeks, they insisted, "Nahin, beta (no, son)." Eventually, my expressions of passionate interest won them over; however, a little voice inside my head continually reminded me of my doubts about leaving home for more than a night and being completely in the presence of strangers. With the conference still months away, I ignored these fears. As the time until summer elapsed, that little voice continued to become louder and my apprehension continued to intensify relentlessly.
Finally, our minivan pulled into the parking lot of the high-rise Sheraton where the conference's first week was set to transpire. As we unloaded my suitcase from our vehicle, a representative from the conference greeted us. She sported a t-shirt featuring the organization's logo - a symbol I knew would dwell in the corner of my eye for the next two weeks. Soon the moment of the goodbyes came, met with loving hugs from both parents and the expected "Apna khayaal rakhna (Take care of yourself)." By the end of the day, 200 miles would separate me from any form of familiarity.
After sending a mass text message containing a simple "What's up?" to a few of my friends, I sighted a fellow scholar who looked just as lost as me. I trudged to his seat and began conversation with the suggested greeting: "Hey! I'm Rishi and I'm from the United States. What's your name?"
"Hi, I'm André and I'm from France," he responded through a thick French accent. I was astounded, about to have my first conversation with a native French speaker. Still receiving congratulations for recently winning 4th place nationally on the National French Exam, I was semi-confident in my French skills. I snapped into French mode and soon made my first new friend. I was now assured that, for the duration of the conference, I would be able to recognize at least one face.
With each elapsing day at the conference, I became more excited about what the next one had in store for me and my fears gradually dwindled. With each simulation of the United Nations, I gained a few new familiar faces. I worked closely with fellow students from all around the globe and acquired new knowledge about the different cultures my peers brought to the table, literally. When the time came to draft our final resolution, I felt more comfortable than ever sharing my ideas with people my own age whom, just a week earlier, I would have passed in a crowded hallway without waving my hand.
Finally, the time for our final simulation - a mock global summit in the United Nations headquarters in New York City - had arrived. As I sat anxiously in my seat, I peered across the intimidating conference chamber, picturing dictators and prime ministers deliberating over various bills and resolutions. I chatted with my fellow diplomats in the Venezuela country-group about what actions we were planning on taking in this final summit. Before the proceedings began, I took one last glance around. I was proud to realize that I could identify by name and nationality more than three quarters of my peers in the room.
By the time the conference concluded, I was not prepared to return to suburbia. In the short span of two weeks, I overcame an atmosphere of overwhelming trepidation and accepted it for the opportunities it could potentially bring. I came to the realization that not only is a step out of my comfort zone crucial for growth and maturation, but also that I can learn plenty from taking a simple chance. Through this adventure, I have learned that trekking into a world of unfamiliarity engenders more than anxiety; it allows one to reach new heights in life. I am now confident in my abilities to tackle any challenge that life has to offer me - whether it is another conference, the United Nations, or college.