Undergraduate / UChicago extended essay,free topic about two sides of coin and medal))) [4]

Dear EF members if you have time please give me feedback about my UChicago essay. Please be harsh. I used totally new approach because my previous approach was stupid( You can find it at EF too).

I will be glad to repay for your kindness by loking at your essay.
Can you give me some feedback on structure,flow and language usage. I tend to think in Kazakh, therefore I might sound very awkward sometimes.

Thank you in advance.

We know that a coin has two sides. But what about a medal?

I was holding my dream, medal from International Mathematical Olympiad(IMO)-2009. I had been striving to this medal since I firstly saw six young men in sky blue suits at eighth grade. They were members of national team at IMO-2006.Some of them were holding shining medals which riveted my attention. Surrounding journalists and operators were congratulating them with their great achievements. They were my heroes, because they became medalists among 500 brightest students from all over the world. They were pride of the whole nation, while I was hardly pride of my parents. I wanted to become one of them. I wanted to disprove social fact that stutterers can never become famous. It was my dream. Since then my hopes, believes and aspirations evolved around that dream.

For the last three years I imagined myself holding that shining medal. However when I received this medal, it did not shine. I was expected to be the happiest person in the world, but I was not. It seemed that his medal meant nothing for me. It was just a round piece of metal, that would rust after ten years. However I experienced numerous failures in pursuit for this medal. After each failure I lost my heart. Each failure made me regret about problems I could not solve at the competition, but solved afterwards. My life was full of "if"s, like "If I had written my solution more clear, I would have gotten a gold medal".I lost my best friend because of the harsh competition at the tenth grade. When I won many competitions I tended to neglect important casual events such as hanging out with classmates. I treated life as a race because of intensive preparation to approaching math competitions. It seemed that I sacrificed too much in order to get this medal.

Thinking about this medal, suddenly I realized that it influenced my life much stronger than I thought. This medal was a beacon in my life-path. Each time I failed I rose thinking about this medal. It was my first dream, which I placed above all my fears. This medal provided me with a belief in myself. Desire to get this medal carried me into Olympic math class, where I had fun by solving tough problems. With first successes at math I believed in my capability of defeating stutter. Though, sometimes I blinded by fame from victories at competitions, I always left loyal to my dream. Even though I lost some friends at Olympic math class , I gained new friends from all over the world at International math competitions. Owing to my dream I understood importance of failures. When I failed to qualify into IMO-2008, I became very depressed, however this depression made me reconsider my life values. Only then I realized meaninglessness of doing math for fame. At eleventh grade I started doing mathematics for the pleasure of it. By doing so, I became even more successful at math competitions, as I loved what I was doing. Ever since I have never regretted about past failures and lost medals. I started to enjoy math competitions, because I ceased to make plans for the future.

So as we expected same rule holds for the medal, partly because medal is a huge coin. Though I sacrificed many things to achieve this medal, I would not become who I am now unless I followed my dream and achieved this medal. When I looked at that medal I recalled myself coping with stutter and pressure of infinite competitions. I understood that it is more than just a piece of metal. It told a story of Birzhan, story of failures and victories, friends and enemies, sadness and happiness and a great resilience. Therefore when I next time see Michael Phelps I would not wish I were him, because I know that his eight gold medals have sixteen sides.

Undergraduate / 2 MIT short essays about hobby and department preference [5]

Propmt 1:Tell us about something you do for pleasure of it.
My greatest hobby is teaching math for freshman students.
In order to prepare for each session I open my old notebook full of problems. When I look at those problems, I experience nostalgia for those days when I had fun by solving tough questions.

Like me at their age, they come to math class to get medals and to become elite of our school.
Therefore I always remind them consequences of doing math for fame. I wanted them not to repeat my mistakes of losing best friend. I hope that they will understand purpose of competitions earlier than I did...(100 words)

Prompt 2:Which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why?

Computer science and pure mathematics appeal me most as a double major program. I realized that after lecture of Terence Tao on prime numbers at IMO-2009. I always was interested with mysterious objects like distribution of prime numbers. I even went to the math because of its enigmatic formulas which were needed tremendous work to comprehend.

When I first participated in ACM, I understood power of virtual intellect. Computers worked out some combinations in seconds, while it would take me days to do so.

With help of these subjects I will shed light on most mysterious things in the world.(100 words)

Please give some feedback on those essays. I will appreciate all kinds of comments.

Moderators,please don't delete my threads.I am obeying all the rules of EF.

Thank you in advance.

Undergraduate / volunteer job at Almaty stuttering foundation, Commonapp short essay [2]

Prompt:Elaborate one of your activities extracurricular,personal activities or work experience.(150 words)

Please give some feedback to this essay. I also think that there are plenty of grammar mistakes.)

During 11th grade I devoted more than 15 hours a week to volunteer job at Almaty stuttering foundation. During financial crisis foundation experienced serious problems, because many companies refuted to fund our organization. I could not abandon it, because I saw many children who needed help. With my classmates I started to new campaign of fundraising. Everyone contributed a lot to this projects. I was responsible for the website and design of presentations. Those who were good at statistics calculated predicted number of stuttering children in Almaty based on undertaken surveys. Some of my friends wrote articles to some local papers. At the end I visited more than 50 firms with financial support request. After long discussions only 4 of them agreed to it. However it was enough to cover organization's basic costs. It was a unique experience: before this project I was unaware of my leadership and interpersonal skills.(149 words)

Thank you in advance

Undergraduate / How did you get caught long version [2]

Propmpt:How did you get caught.
My experience allowed me to combine 3 pompts of Uchicago. Threfore it is so long.Could you help with deleting some paragraphs... All kind of feedback would be very helpful. Please be harsh with this essay.

When I look at my 7th grade students, they always remind me myself. They are so naïve about mathematical competitions. They think that they would leave friends forever, but harsh competition will make some of them sworn enemies, like me and Shynar. I always try to instill in them the true purpose of mathematics in their life, as my middle school teacher tried to. However history repeats: they would like to hear about only future medals and fame. Therefore they should obey the rules of new game ,which called "pursuit of fame"

At math classes I found my best friend, Shynar. We could talk about particular problem for hours. She was a person I could tell all my secretes and fears. But our friendship cracked when our teacher told us about our final goal ,qualifying into International mathematical Olympiad. Everyone was fascinated by this news, because qualifying into IMO was comparable to qualifying into Olympic games for a professional athlete. However there was one small problem: only 6 students out of 2,000 would be qualified. As every mathematician wanted to devote his/her life to math, qualifying was thought to be the indicator of that devotion.

It was beginning of the race, race against the time. I used to get up at 6 a.m. even on Sundays to solve problems from artofproblemsolving.com. Fear of failure and desire for fame made everyone to work as hard as possible. After each failure the same thought always hit my head:"Had I solved that problem, I would have gotten gold... I knew the idea of that problem.. . Again silver... When I get gold..." . At the same time Shynar almost always got gold medals. I was desperate because I worked as hard as she did, but I could not mobilize my mind at the competition. Disdain for Shynar started to accumulate in my mind. The meaning of my life for following 2 years was to defeat her.

At that time I did not care about anything else. I did not care about teachers who blamed me for dropping school's rank at National Olympiad. I did not care about principal who praised Shynar whenever possible. I always answered "no" to my friend offers to go to the movie. I became introverted ;the only thing I knew was solving math problems.

When Shynar rested on laurels after another successful Olympiad, I worked even harder to use that appropriate moment. At the end of the 10th grade I defeated her at 3 math competitions. I thought myself as a hero, because I got what I wanted for so many years.

After returning home, I could not see Shynar for a one month. When I asked her friends, they told that she is in the hospital because of the kidney insufficiency. I remembered that she had a chronic kidney illness. Her friends said that she went to hospital because of the depression.

I was shocked. I did not know what to do . I ran into her hospital, but I could not enter her room. I knew that I was guilty for her sufferings. When I looked at the mirror near her room I failed to see benevolent boy, who used to make only justified things. Instead I saw an evil who was ready to do everything to get another medal for his collection. I saw an evil who forgot the meaning of the word friendship. I failed to see Birzhan who did math because of fidelity to the science. I was caught be extreme desire for fame.

From that time I refuted rules of that game. I again started to do math for the sake of the passion. I again started to hang out with my friends. I lost fear of failure and desire for fame.

I started to participate in debate clubs. I approached the most beautiful girl in the school. Of course I failed , but it was better than predicting what would be if I approached her.

After Shynar returned to school she quited math class, I did the same thing. However I returned in 11th grade to made my dream come true. Eventually, after infinite number of Olympiads, I was qualified to 50th International Mathematical Olympiad. However, when I had been awarded with bronze medal, my pride was weakened by the regret for past egoistical actions

It took me a painful and tedious path to comprehend nuances of that game. I realized that process of achieving was more important than achievement itself. Now I am ready to apply my experience in future games like Putnam, IMC and ACM.

Thank you in advance

Undergraduate / A sigificant experience - hoping that my stutter would disappear [5]

Commonapp prompt 1:Evaluate a sigificant experience,achievement,risk you have taken, or ethical dilemmma you have faced and its impact on you.
I wrote my lifestory.All feedback would be very helpful. I am hestitating about this essay, because I think that my stutter can influence their decision. Therefore I will appreciate all comments.

I remember how I shuttled between a literature book and a notebook of my therapists in order to get "A" for the literature class in the middle school. I assured myself that failures left in the past and victories were waiting in the future. I worked hard on a new method of therapy hoping that my stutter would disappear.

When I came to the class an unknown examiner asked me to narrate an old Kazakh myth "Alpamys".
I mobilized myself and said:
"b-b-bul k-k-kazak..."
I stopped, I tried one more time. But again I failed. I tried to utilize all my practice lessons; however I understood that they were useless. I could not control my speech. I saw the examiner getting furious. I could see my classmates' scornful faces and could hear their laugh, which I had been hearing for 7 years. Suddenly the examiner interrupted my thoughts by saying:

"Moldagaliyev, you are not ready, "F". I ran out of the class with eyes full of tears. I approached an old tree and sit nearby.

I did not return my house because my mother would say:"Everything is going to be okay". However, I thought that nothing could be okay for the biggest loser. It was funny that at the age of 5 I dreamt to become a great scientist or a politician. Indeed, I saw no famous people stuttering. Therefore, I thought who I am to become famous, while all other stutterers left as mediocre people. I condemned that day when I met that dog which caused my stutter. I was upset, because I was so unlucky to become a stutterer, knowing that only 2% off all people are stutterers.

Unlike me my father always believed in my healing. He refuted all the "social facts" by leading me to singing and debating classes. He worked on 3 jobs to pay for my therapy in Moscow. He always said to me: all people laugh at you because they fear your greatness. He taught me to look at things only positively. Because of his advice I started to appreciate all surrounding things, because they can be ruined sometime, as my fluent speech did. I was glad that I became walking thesaurus because I used to interchange words starting with consonants. Since then I never envied my peers who speak fluently, because I knew that there is something inside me that make greater than most of them.

The only place where I forgot about my stutter were different math classes.Math competitions were a vital part of my life. The main thing I learned was that if you really want something you should go for it on your own. After that I gave up going to the speech therapists. I practiced my techniques; I had zillion failures but they were much more satisfactory than previous ones.

By doing extensive internet research I found new method which called "Air flow technique". This method was successful to me; stutter decreased considerably. Afterwards I translated this research papers into Kazakh and Russian with reference to authors in order to give to stutterers I had known. I even gave some introductory lectures on that method on Almaty stuttery foundation. I experienced greatest relief when I realized that people became more optimistic after my speeches. I understood that I became great by helping those peoples. Moreover I decided to support stutterers ever since that day.

Earlier I considered each my day as a failure or a lost opportunity. I even get used to failures and tried to conceive people that I did not care about my stutter. But now I think that each of those days were the days of the greatest victories. Though I referred to myself as a loser, subconsciously I said to myself: "Tomorrow I will try a new method against stutter".

Thank you in advance

Birzhan Moldagaliyev