Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by smileypeace
Joined: Dec 17, 2009
Last Post: Dec 30, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 11  

Displayed posts: 13
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
smileypeace   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Rewording and shortening a Yale Short Take [4]

My friends often laugh at me for telling them stories for the umpteen time. I wish I could remember what I have already told them.

isn't the deadline jan 1?

please take a look at my common app essay. deadline is tom.
smileypeace   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app essay: building a school community [6]

I signed the dotted line of the Bard Queens congratulatory letter accepting my seat as a member of the first founding class. Not only was I a part of a new school community, I also wanted to create it.

At a time when our new school needed a strong communal foundation, I wanted to make Bard more inclusive. My vision was for students, faculty, and administrators to come together to build an enriching school community and to foster a school culture. In unexpected circumstances, I drew inspiration to help Bard. While in the shower, the idea of a debate club appeared to me. While falling asleep after hours of homework, the literary magazine appeared in a dream. And while jogging one day, I imagined a talent show at Bard.

These extracurricular activities were meant to be engaging, aiding students in becoming well-rounded individuals and developing critical thinking and writing skills learned in our courses. The skills strengthened through these activities extended beyond after-school, helping students become better prepared for the real world, while allowing them to get to know each other as well.

I realized I had volunteered to participate in the FIRST Robotics Workshop Competition. I had never competed or programmed a robot before; nonetheless, I decided to put that aside and focus on gaining a new skill.

In 2009, I imagined women are just as represented as men. At my school girls constitute more than half the population. Unaware of the world outside Bard, I decided to take on the challenge of a computer scientist: to program a robot.

The competition started and I glanced around the room. From thirty five students present, there were three girls. I was one of them. Noticing the imbalance of females participating made me realize just how important it is for both genders to be equally represented in all fields. While women have made great gains in the past few decades, surely women must continue to explore different areas. Upon leaving that day, I realize the importance of encouraging other girls to participate in science an technology related competitions. This experience reaffirmed my own desire to pursue science in the future.

I was pleased with my decision to engage in the competition. It reaffirmed my belief that exposure to a plethora of experiences will open my mind to possibilities that exist and challenge me to reexamine my own beliefs regarding issues. Engaging with others in debates, or in the robotics competition required me to communicate with others and see that the variety of experiences is valuable in allowing me to reexamine my own views. Moreover, exposure to a variety of cultures is equally important in that it instills a sense of humbleness.

While there may be slight differences among us, at the core we are human beings. Following this logic, my maxim has been that we should act collectively in ensuring that our communities allow us to reach our maximum potential- a school,local, national or global community. This perspective is critical in having a global perspective of the world, which ultimately brings a greater understanding of the world and oneself.

I wanted to be responsible for what the Bard experience would come to represent for those students who will come after me. I tried to incorporate ranging activities in the school. These have shown me that diversity of ideas, people and cultures is important. It showed me the big picture which is: I am a global citizen- a citizen of the world.

Our school identity is still developing but students are beginning to realize their roles as not only students, but also members of the Bard community at large. At Bard have I been given a chance to make a difference, and I believe I have succeeded in doing so. However, I will not stop there. I will continue to make a difference at (insert college name here). I would like to think that at Bard, there are now many more students who are eager to do the same.
smileypeace   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "going to enojoy my ups" - UPENN supplimentary. [17]

i enjyed reading your essay. The image you create with yourself and your brother is beautiful.

I would say that the last line of your essay is going too far. I think it makes you sound desperate. the idea is for you and the school to be a perfect match- if it is, then you won't have to beg them to let you in.

Finding the right school has been hard for me due to my diverse interests.-- instead of saying this, write: With a diverse range of interests,I imagined it woudl be difficult/ a challenge to find a school that matched my criteria. But..

Please read my common app essay.. thanks
smileypeace   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "speaking your mind is very important" - U of Florida [13]

you should write that you were shy, sure, but thats only because you're naturally more quite and reserved. Perhaps you did not join in conversations not becuase you didn't have anything to say but instead becuase you were interested in hearing others points of views, youre fascinated by the world around you. Perhaps you would like to write that now you understand how important it is for you to contribute your opinions, your perspectives because if you don't , no one will be able to contirbute it for you.

Overall, try to turn your shyness into a positive light, not a negative one. try to sugegst that you may have been shy but your personality is lively- maybe around loved ones or friends? I think your essay is written candidly, you just have to change the tone in which youre writng it- make it sound more upbeat.
smileypeace   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / BU: how became interested? [11]

I think this essay is off to a great start. try connecting your sentences more and make them flow.

I don't think you have to include the sentence about teh princeton review because in the previous sentence you talk about likeing the location.

could you read over my essay too? thanks
smileypeace   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: "Franny and Zooey" [5]

"In truth, Zooey is far from the ideal hero. Being an [...]"

This paragraph is way too long- you're mostly summarizing the book and describing the characters. Cutting a few sentences from here would allow you to show more about yourself. Remember, the reader is interested in learning about you.

Could you please look over my essay? I would appreciate it a lot. Thanks
smileypeace   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / What was the best advice you've ever been given and why? [8]

Forty two precious words flow out from my mother as a whisper that wishes to be repeated in the mind -- echoing on certain types of days that we all experience.

"Each of us has much more hidden inside us than we have had a chance to explore. Unless we create an environment that enables us to discover the limits of our potential, we will never know what we have inside of us" -Mahammad Yunus

The message is a note worthy one: to reach the limits of our potential and flourish as human beings, we must challenge our limits and seek opportunities to enrich ourselves intellectually and socially.

In the tenth grade, I realized that my school was not presenting the intellectual challenges I needed to flourish. That March, my local newspaper, El Correo, featured an advertisement about a new school opening-Bree HS Early College. After reading about the Bree mission and approach to education, I eagerly filled out an application, took an assessment, and went for an interview.

I was ready to take on the challenge of college courses. At Bree I knew I would encounter even more rigorous work than what I was undertaking in honors classes. I decided that transferring to Bree would be an amazing opportunity for me to gain exposure to college, learn at a higher caliber, and further develop intellectually. I wanted to challenge myself as Yunus suggests we should.

At Bree, I have taken his advice to heart by taking the most rigorous course load possible. As a result I have been exposed to material of high caliber that challenges me to think and write critically, to question the arguments of authors and classmates, and reexamine my own views in response to others ideas. I have conducted an experiment and written a scientific paper on Arabidopsis thaliana, learned how to find derivatives, and pondered on Hobbes' theory of the state of nature. Bree has allowed me to choose a well rounded course selection, cherish the mind, and value the progression of ideas.

My primary interest lies in enriching my mind to its greatest capabilities, even if it means taking intellectual risks and considering opposing ideas for curiosity's sake. Through this exploration I have discoverd for myself that being surrounded by those who disagree with me allows me to learn more and be more engaged with a given topic than by being surrounded by those who I completely agree with. I understand there may not always be a solution- what matters is taking the initiative to uncover one.

I could have easily overlooked the newspaper advertisement.Instead, my willingness and drive to always go the extra mile and my desire to improve in all areas pushed me to sought out this opportunity for self enrichment with gusto - by attending Bree Queens."

Mahammad Yunus's quote has served as a special ingredient in the recipe for success. For me, it has been the compass that will guide me to continued success and reassures me that I have yet to reach my potential and that I am capable of leading others.

(I think the 1st paragraph is too long. How can I shorten it? Is the essay missing anything? )
smileypeace   
Dec 17, 2009
Undergraduate / The inspiration of my mother- Common App personal essay [5]

Your essay is beautifully written. I like how you referred to your mother as "my mother" and not "my mom." It offers a great sense of respect you have for your mother.

I would like to point out that you write your mother is an inspiration to you, "I am lucky to have such an inspirational person in my life" This is great, from what I can tell, you also admire your mother for her strength and dedication. You should emphasize that she has served not only as a great inspiration, but also someone who you have sincerely admired.

I noticed that it says, "She given me the confidence that I need to move forward in my life."

I think it is supposed to read "she has given me..."
smileypeace   
Dec 17, 2009
Undergraduate / "I am clean, but not tidy" - Stanford roomate essay [6]

"This sounds funny, but I say it because I like honesty"

The word 'like' is too informal. Try replacing it with 'value honesty.'

You use the word 'things' too much- try replacing it with (items, mementos)

another thought: it might not be a good idea to mention uc berkley
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳