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Posts by goldeneye98
Joined: Dec 20, 2009		 Last Post: Dec 31, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 32  
From: United States of America

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goldeneye98   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Activity Essay for Common Application (paintings) [8]

I think this is much better. I wouldn't say it's too flowery, but it is more elegant than many of the other activity essays I've read. Overall, it conveys your passion for art beautifully! If you can fit anymore in, I would definitely say more about how art has changed you or why you value art and painting so much.

Good luck! :)
goldeneye98   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]

Here's my revised version. I'm having some trouble meshing together the last two paragraphs (the ending in general). Any suggestions on that would be much appreciated! Thank you!

I learn best in an environment where students cultivate a passion for learning and exploring knowledge. This is the essence of my ideal academic community. As I contemplate where I want to spend the next four years of my life, I realize that the University of Chicago is the one place that fosters the idea that learning holds the topmost priority. It is this pervading spirit that attests to the university's success and its high standards which make the university attractive to me. I want to live with and thrive among people who appreciate my "nerdiness" and who see my zeal as an inherent strength in my quest for knowledge.

I believe that the ability to form and experiment with new perspectives is integral to a holistic education. A tutor for years since I was in middle school, I speculated the effects of this kind of learning on my students as they idled away from filling out worksheets. I began to engage them in collaborative discussions, asking them simple questions and watching as their creative sparks began to take root. Through these interactive sessions and other hands-on activities, they were able to learn their material independently and thoroughly, whether it was math or language. Although on a small scale, I discovered that this synergetic approach benefited each student for it promoted individual and critical thinking. Not only does the university's core curriculum emphasize an interdisciplinary approach to education, but it utilizes this Socratic method of teaching. The university's stress on collaborative effort to gain knowledge and create new ideas also fosters its rich research tradition. I hope to become a part of this community known for developing inquiring minds.

The University of Chicago provides unbelievable diversity - as much as the city surrounding it. Its numerous student organizations and clubs will allow me to continue my hobbies and accumulate new skills. I am particularly excited about joining the university's reputed College Bowl Team. As the current captain of my high school's academic team, I look forward to competing on the Chicago's team in matches against other colleges and universities. The university's many A Capella groups cater to my love for music and singing. While I intend to pursue these interests, I would love to take up fencing and theatre.

I consider the next four years of my life to be the most important. I sincerely hope that I will spend them at the University of Chicago.
goldeneye98   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]

Here is my edited version of Why UChicago. I did a bit of reorganizing and I know that I still need to work on my ending. But any comments would be appreciated. I will return the favor! :D

Through my research of the University of Chicago, I got the impression that it was a place devoted to the innovation of new ideas and individualistic learning. It also seemed like an institution that embraces an interdisciplinary approach to education, allowing its students to take classes on subjects of which they were interested instead of restricting them. In other words, it was a place where students could fulfill their desires to learn unbounded. Having tutored children for years since I was in middle school, I have seen the benefits of this kind of learning firsthand. As I watched the young students idle away from filling out worksheets, I devised methods so that they could learn more enjoyably. Through the use of interactive games and hands-on activities, they flourished and saw education as a rewarding experience. I believe that this is the essence of an ideal academic community. When I attend college, I seek to find the same, intellectually stimulating environment that will enhance my love of learning. Among bright and interested students who love to learn, share and discuss their ideas, I am certain that the university will grant my own desire for academic stimulation and challenge.

I believe that extracurricular activities and off-campus opportunities are essential to a well-rounded education. The university hosts more than four hundred student organizations and clubs that will allow me to indulge myself in new experiences and endeavors. Though I'm passionate about music, I look forward to accumulating new skills in fencing and theater. For people like me who are avid lovers of museums and exhibits, the university's location is perfect. Chicago is one of the great cultural hubs of the urban world, filled with rich history, music, arts, and lucrative internships and community service opportunities. The city's intellectual resources are conveniently situated around the university and will enhance my education and relaxation. I will definitely thrive in the nurturing and stimulating environment that the University of Chicago will provide me.
goldeneye98   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Activity essay - international event [9]

I would put this entire essay in the past tense, just to make it more consistent. Did you organize this event? If so, use active voice to tell the admissions people what YOU did.

This is a good topic and, for the most part, good essay. Just a couple things:

The first sentence is a bit awkward. It's a fragment and a run-on combined (I don't know how that's possible), but it needs to be changed. Try this:

Waking up at 6 AM and in the midst of a particularly unpleasant December rain running to catch the bus was all worth it when I felt the inviting smell of cappuccino through the halls.

Or something to that effect.

sharing culture, language and dreams

languages

Hope this helps!
goldeneye98   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]

Will someone please check my Why UChicago essay as well? Thanks! I should probably do my optional essay now... :/

Having tutored children for years since I was in middle school, I know the importance of learning for the sake of learning. As I watched the young students idle away from filling out worksheets, I devised methods so that they could learn more enjoyably. Through the use of interactive games and hands-on activities, they flourished and saw education as a rewarding experience. When I attend college, I seek to find the same, stimulating environment that will enhance my love of learning. Through my research of the University of Chicago, I got the impression that it was a place devoted to the innovation of new ideas and individualistic learning. It also seemed like an institution that embraces an interdisciplinary approach to education, allowing its students to take classes on subjects of which they were interested instead of restricting them. In other words, it was a place where students could fulfill their desires to learn unbounded. I believe that this is the essence of an ideal academic community. Among bright and interested students who love to learn, share and discuss their ideas, I am certain that the university will grant my own desire for academic stimulation and challenge.

The numerous choices of academics and activities offered by the University of Chicago excite me. Apart from its extensive list of majors, the university hosts over three hundred student organizations and clubs. Though I'm passionate about music, I look forward to accumulating new skills in fencing and theater. For people like me who are avid lovers of museums and exhibits, the university's location is perfect. Chicago is one of the great cultural hubs of the urban world, filled with rich history, music, arts, and lucrative internships and community service opportunities. The city's intellectual resources are conveniently situated around the university and will enhance my education and relaxation. What more could I want at a university aimed at providing ample opportunities for its students to learn? I know now that the University of Chicago will provide me with a nurturing and stimulating environment so that I may excel.
goldeneye98   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

I need to start writing all my supplements from tomorrow :( I will look forward to your comments on my essays I post in future. Also feel free to ask for any help :)

Same here! You don't know how much you've helped and I look forward to helping you in the future! :)
goldeneye98   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / I Cheated on My Wife (Number). U of I essay. [11]

Your style and writing are good, but I don't know about the entire "cheating on numbers" idea. It certainly is unique, but you could phrase it better. Just the idea of "cheating" may be a turn-off. It's only my opinion.
goldeneye98   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

I liked how you rephrased that one sentence. I'll put that in! I got rid of a couple words here and there. How's this?

I had some nostalgic moments before I began putting together a string quartet. My former violin teacher used to take me and her other students to old-age homes frequently to play classical pieces and fiddle tunes. Each tune we played brought in their faces the joy and enthusiasm for life. And every time I realized this, I felt like playing my violin forever, for my music was making a difference in their lives.

Creating a string quartet is one of the most rewarding things I have done and has even contributed to my personal growth. A violinist for ten years, I know that practicing the violin itself requires commitment and discipline. But playing with and governing a small group of musicians has taught me not only responsibility and leadership but open-mindedness as well. Playing together required musical ability, respect, and flexibility; I remember that during practice of every recital.

I liked your new essay better. But they're both good. You're rather good with emotional writing!
goldeneye98   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Any environment that is particularly significant to you my Willliams supplement! [17]

I personally liked your first one better. Not that this one is bad, but the first one is much simpler and conveys a sense of fun. I guess serious essays can work for these prompts, but I would not recommend it. Williams probably gets so many essays on tragic events, deaths/divorces in the family, or whatever else that may not be so uplifting. And your first essay says more about you. I feel like you wrote too much about the scene in this essay and not enough about you. Even in your first essay, you don't have much about you, but you do devote at least a paragraph to explain the scene's significance to you and how it influences you.

Again, this is only my opinion. Which one to choose is your call. They're both solid essays. Good luck!
goldeneye98   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Fresh start revelation' - Stanford's intellect engaging prompt. [5]

The essay itself is good. You have a great sense of style.

But writing about college essays the entire time sounds like a dangerous idea to me and does not really stand out. I suggest you take up another topic (maybe similar to this), but keep the same structure.
goldeneye98   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

Thanks so much for looking at my commonapp essay. The one I was actually referring to was this one. Kind of rough, but it may work.

Please elaborate on one of your activities (150 words or fewer).

I had some nostalgic moments before I officially began putting together a string quartet. My former violin teacher used to take me and her other students to old-age homes frequently to play classical pieces and fiddle tunes. When I considered the joy and enthusiasm on the faces of those who weren't fortunate enough to hear music on a daily basis, I wanted to give back to the world in a different way.

Creating a string quartet is one of the most rewarding things I have done and has even contributed to my personal growth. A violinist for ten years, I know that practicing the violin itself requires commitment and discipline. But playing with and governing a small group of musicians has taught me not only responsibility and leadership but open-mindedness as well. Playing together required musical ability, respect, and flexibility; I remember that during every practice of every recital.

Btw I looked at your Williams supplement and your take on the prompt was marvelous!
goldeneye98   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Any environment that is particularly significant to you my Willliams supplement! [17]

Well... it is certainly interesting.

Honestly, I like the essay as it is (except for some edits that people already pointed out). You take a quite original stance and did great with the prompt!

Just a couple general things... I can see what you're trying to do in your last paragraph, but you shouldn't openly criticize yourself in a college essay, even if you're trying to be modest. Also, your very last sentence is unnecessary. You already conveyed the fact that you are like those children in some respects and your second-to-last sentence is conclusive enough.

You can cut out some parts of your second paragraph (about them playing in the mud/wrestling each other/whatever else). Then you can add in more things about why the scene was meaningful to you at the end.

This is about all I need to add. Other than this, your essay is very good!
goldeneye98   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]

What color is your essay?
To me, it's definitely GOLDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lol, thanks! I see rainbows in my essay! I can tell you what color your essay is if you want. :)

And no, my username has nothing to do with synesthesia. :D
goldeneye98   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

Haha, thanks. My actual commonapp essay is not as strong, so we'll see about UChicago. And I still need to work on "Why UChicago?"; it's not nearly done. :(

Do you think I could use the UChicago essay as my commonapp essay for other colleges?

What I meant by the commonapp essay on the thread was my activities essay. You should be able to find it. Please help! Thanks!

Here's my actual commonapp essay in any case. Not so good I'm afraid...

As I step outside my front door I see Snowberry Way spanning across the width
of the forest that remains untouched. The road to the left dips slightly before forking into two paths, one of which turns upward and the other taking a sharp right turn. To the right, the road continues until it halts at an intersection. It's hard to see from there, but the road plummets downhill toward the highway. And straight ahead I could find a pink sun setting behind the mountains that stand miles away.

Whenever I want fresh air, I don my sneakers and run outside onto the sidewalk
for an evening walk. I usually turn left, but on Tuesdays, I walk to the clubhouse at the far end of the street, carrying textbooks. Children emerge with books as well; some seem to be running. Walking into the room, I see the eager students, reflections of myself, arguing over the complexities of simple math problems. The competitive spirit that embodies the community pushes the children to start their walks of life early. As I travel on, I take pleasure guiding them in their own journeys.

The nature trail is eerily lonely, almost haunting. At the end of the pathway, the
light almost completely fades away. I learned of the winding road and its landmarks, especially one particular oak tree that erects itself over the protective layer of greenery. On all my walks, I managed to navigate my way to that oak where I felt safe. But realizing my eagerness to finish the journey that I began, I slowly relinquished my grasp of the tree. Every time I emerged from the trail, I wore a triumphant smile for the rest of the day.

As I grew older, I looked to expand my boundaries. To satisfy my desire for a
new frontier, I journeyed far inland along a stream that runs parallel to an alternate trail. Wise as it would have been to carry a GPS system, I continued to walk along the road carrying nothing but curiosity. Chaperoned by my father, my spirit carried me beyond the pavement into the real terrain. At one time, a jagged rock ripped through the sole of one of my sneakers. I spent the next fifteen minutes of the walk complaining, but I understood that my playful exploits around the neighborhood were rather insignificant. For the greater part of my life, my roads had been paved for me. I realized then that I must pave my own path.

As I approach the upcoming intersection, I understand the vastness of the road of
life and that the roads that I traveled were merely tributaries of a greater system of streets, roads, freeways, and highways. But those on which I strode built my foundations of intellectual curiosity, community, and freedom. The road that I will build will be entirely my own, built off of my identity. So the path unveils itself before me. I will take that path. And that will make all the difference.
goldeneye98   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

Can someone also look at my Common App activities essay? Thanks!

Please elaborate on one of your activities (150 words or fewer).

I had some nostalgic moments before I officially began putting together a string quartet. My former violin teacher used to take me and her other students to old-age homes frequently to play classical pieces and fiddle tunes. When I considered the joy and enthusiasm on the faces of those who weren't fortunate enough to hear music on a daily basis, I wanted to give back to the world in a different way.

Creating a string quartet is one of the most rewarding things I have done and has even contributed to my personal growth. A violinist for ten years, I know that practicing the violin itself requires commitment and discipline. But playing with and governing a small group of musicians has taught me not only responsibility and leadership but open-mindedness as well. Playing together required musical ability, respect, and flexibility; I remember that during every practice of every recital.
goldeneye98   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "MY OWN CURIOUS CASE " Feedbacks on my admission essay... [13]

Nice! I really like the allusion to Benjamin Button; that's a really good take on it. But I'd add some more about how you and the clock are alike. And you have some spelling errors... like "desperation" and "despair."

Other than that, it's golden! :)
goldeneye98   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / World beyond my village; "Memorable experience in high school" [4]

I had never imagined world beyond my village, for lusty green hills stood tall all around the village obstructing my outlook of the other world.

Remove "all" and insert a comma:

".. around the village, obstructing..." Otherwise it sounds as if the village is obstructing your outlook.

Though every geography lessons

"... geography lesson.." "Lesson" is single.

To be honest it wasn't something pleasant at the beginning.

Remove "something".

I got through about half of this before stopping. You describe so many different experiences that your essay began to lose focus. I second Wanderer_x; you need to make this more cohesive. Also, your last sentence is a little awkward; you may want to fix that.
goldeneye98   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "to join clubs and befriend a new community" - Why Northwestern [16]

I want to send this out today, but I don't know if it's okay. Can someone read/evaluate this? Thanks!

Prompt: What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

For years, I had only been able to dream about what Northwestern University might be like, whether or not it was like Hogwarts or a princess' castle with its gothic structure and majestic towers. Now I am able to see the school for what it really is: a highly respected institution of academic excellence and dedication known for its ability to mold students into future leaders. I hope that when I attend Northwestern, I can take advantage of all the choices that the school will offer me.

When I first heard of Northwestern, I assumed that it was a school focused mainly on the arts and humanities. But after attending an information session in Philadelphia, I realized that Northwestern emphasizes multidisciplinary programs and intellectual variety. I am excited about enrolling in the various courses offered by the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences; my love for the arts and humanities has not outweighed my interests in math and science. At Weinberg, I am eager to broaden my interests and possibly major in both international studies and physics. The college's study abroad programs will provide me with an exclusive list of worldwide destinations.

Having tutored children since I was in middle school, I understand the importance of learning for the sake of learning. As I watched the young students idle away from filling out worksheets, I devised methods so that they could learn more effectively and enjoyably. Through board games and other such activities, they flourished and saw education as a rewarding experience. Knowing that Northwestern embraces an empirical approach to education, I seek to find opportunities such as internships and off-campus studies that will contribute to my love for learning.

I remember my frequent childhood trips to the nearby Franklin Institute, where I gained in-depth knowledge about pendulums and electricity. Even though I had already read about these things in books, I preferred the hands-on approach of museums to the encyclopedias and textbooks that crowded my room. Chicago is one of the great cultural hubs of the urban world, filled with rich history, music, arts, and lucrative internships and community service opportunities. The museums and exhibits near Northwestern's campus will enhance my education and relaxation. Chicago's many intellectual resources are just a train-ride away. I look forward to taking trips around Chicago with my friends while enjoying jazz concerts, visiting historical museums, and dining at ethnic restaurants.

I believe that Northwestern is the only place which will truly embrace my talents and deepen my passions. The school's many student organizations will not only offer me a chance to expand upon my high school activities but they will allow me to bond with the diverse student body. When I attend Northwestern, I hope to join clubs and befriend a new community. Whether I'm enjoying performances by the Brown Sugar a cappella group or competing on Northwestern's Quiz Bowl Team, I am convinced that Northwestern will bring out the best in me.
goldeneye98   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Activity Essay for Common Application (paintings) [8]

I definitely agree. Honestly, I think you're making this harder than it seems. Just write about your love for painting. The beginning is elegant, but I personally feel that it isn't needed. I'm not telling you to get rid of it, but you can be more straightforward with this. Be natural!
goldeneye98   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / My Mother's Words--CommonApp Essay [5]

Yeah.. you might want a more conclusive ending.

Good job! I think you answered the prompt very well. It's relatively difficult to strike a good balance between the "hero" in the essay and his/her influence on the writer. Many people either write too much about the influence or about the inspiration. You've pulled this off quite nicely. :)

The only thing I would say is that your splitting up of paragraphs comes off like a list. Maybe you can weave your mother's quotes into the paragraphs a little smoother than you have already.
goldeneye98   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "My Real Life Hero" - Common Application Essay Help-- Significant Influence [6]

I feel that this essay would be much stronger if you placed more emphasis on how your mother contributed with your own personal growth. Remember that this is a personal essay and is supposed to reflect your personality or your personal growth over time. The details you put in about your mother's achievements are definitely important and laudable, but putting in things about yourself and how you benefited from her influence will make your essay much stronger.
goldeneye98   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / NU- supplement why NU (a faculty to student ratio of 7 to 1) [6]

I think that, overall, it's pretty good. I'm doing this essay as well and I thought that we had to elaborate more on the college's majors and programs. You seem to focus on the learning environment and social life much more. Not that it's wrong, but you may want to put in something in terms of an area of interest or a specific program offered by Weinberg that you particularly like.

And the part about the texting... ?
goldeneye98   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]

Note: This is only a very rough draft, so I may change the essay. I didn't know whether or not my topic and/or essay was quirky enough for Chicago. I chose my own prompt. I'd appreciate any feedback or edits! :)

Prompt #5: In the spirit of adventurous inquiry, pose a question of your own. If your prompt is original and thoughtful then you should have little trouble writing a great essay. Draw on your best qualities as a writer, thinker, visionary, social critic, sage, citizen of the world, or future citizen of the University of Chicago; take a little risk and have fun.

This is my prompt: Everyone has particular idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about themselves. Tell us about one of your own peculiarities. How has it affected or influenced you?

Picture this. The number 5 is always green and 8 is always beige. "T" and "N" are somewhat compatible with each other, but "N" must always be to the left of "T"; otherwise she becomes very defensive and turns an ugly orange. Raindrops are blue and when they plop, the xylophone sounds. Wednesday is always to the far right of me, never in the middle or the left. Quite weird, am I not? No wonder my parents thought I said such strange things as a kid!

I have a special twist to myself - its name, synesthesia.
Synesthesia is a fairly uncommon, yet harmless, brain condition that results in the cross-activation of senses. As a result, synesthetes perceive certain objects differently than the normal person. To me, "J" is a lady, often wearing a pink robe over her elegant dress, a pair of boots, and a feather in her hair. My fear of the word "violet" persuades me never to tread into that particular section of the dictionary while the blue-green light emitted by the number 25 calms me. The whole world is a giant picture book; colors surround my existence.

According to V.S. Ramachandran, Professor of Neurosciences at the University of California at San Diego, synesthesia is a sensory phenomenon, involving no higher, cognitive functions. A completely involuntary process, synesthesia can take shape in many ways. In the more prevalent cases, a synesthete may perceive a letter, number, or general symbol in certain colors. Many musicians, including myself, see colors as they hear certain notes or musical scales. More uncommon cases include people who create people out of letters and numbers, giving them moral characteristics, genders, attitudes, and even attire; others taste words and sounds with certain flavors. As the case is with me, some people may even have multiple forms of synesthesia. But no two people share the exact same experiences. For example, I was thrilled to find out that my friend Jack had synesthesia as well. We spent the next ten minutes arguing over whether the number 5 was yellow or green (and it was clearly green!).

I was unaware of my brain condition until junior year, when I took AP Psychology. The class stared at me, some in awe, and others in confusion, as I slowly narrated my dual sensations. I can't say that my discovery has changed my worldview, but it was certainly an upheaval of some of my past assumptions. Seeing symbols in color and personifying letters had not seemed strange at all; I thought everyone saw 4 in red and felt a blue color during "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Suddenly, it felt unnatural to voice everything that I had ever beheld since childhood as if I had only imagined it.

It was even more challenging to explain my experiences to my friends.
"Do you actually see the letters in colors when you're reading?"
"Not really... it's more like a sudden flash in your mind."
"Whoa. Reading must be pretty interesting then."
"Maybe, but it's not that noticeable."
"Tell me what color my name is! Color-code it!"
"Well, the 'M' is especially prominent, sort of red-violet..."
"Wow, what does it mean?"
"It doesn't mean anything. It's how I see your name, not a horoscope."
"How do you know that you're not just making it all up?"
That's a question even I ask myself.
Is my synesthesia purely neurological, or am I just being subconsciously metaphorical? If I am only forming metaphors, what is the basis for my connections? To this day, I still do not understand why I always referred to my baby cousin as a bureau, or why "software" tastes sweet.

I have not found all my answers. But I know that synesthesia gives me excitement even on the dullest of days. Whether I'm improvising music on my violin or reading poetry, my unique experiences have piqued my curiosity to discover more about the way my mind works.
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