Posts by sbrooks10

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Graduate / I am a Ghanaian; SOP - MS CHEMICAL ENGINEERING [3]

Your essay all sounds very nice. However, I would stray away from personal aggrandizement as it might already be covered in your resume (? I'm sort of assuming here, I actually have no idea how you would apply to a master's program as I'm only applying to undergrad :) but I hope my comments are helpful anyways). You certainly sound qualified but it's sort of a generic response, saying the chemical engineering has a lot of applications in the world. Be more specific with what YOU want to do with it, or why you find it an important field. Also, I think you mean "I studied" instead of "a studied" in the second line of the third paragraph.

Like I said, I'm only applying to undergrad so I might have no idea what I'm talking about with the whole "apply it to yourself" thing. But it's just a thought. :)

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / Common Application-Genunine leader : Evaluate a significant experience [2]

This is just technical, but in the sentence, "No specific spotlight directed me but more glaring eyes fell on me," the "me" at the end of each clause is kind of redundant in a way... it just sounds repetitive at least.

"their smile came to my lips" ? this is a bit confusing. After I think about it I know what you mean but not right away.

In the "warm smile" part, do you mean smiles? (friends... more than one)

You use "words" a lot at the end of the first paragraph, beginning of the second.

The last paragraph is great, and the first one is pretty good too, but the middle one is a bit too wordy, vague, and over dramatized.

Good theme! I hope this helps!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [12]

haha thank you everyone for all of your comments! This is the new ending I've come up with...Really I just added a connecting sentence to the beginning but let me know if you think it works...

Mr. Bingley can not go to college on account of his being dead and a fish. I, on the other hand, can. And, like millions of other youth in America, I have been told that I have potential, that I have a wealth of opportunity before me simply because of the country and class into which I was born. I plan on seizing these opportunities, most wealthy as they will be, when I attend Yale. I cannot, however, forget that I will not be there merely for the enhancement of self. I am better myself, arming myself with knowledge and understanding, so that I will be able to help others with a lesser vantage than my own, people who can't help themselves. People like a Mr. Bingley.

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

Like I said, I think it's unified in that it's all about things in your house/ your room so don't stress too much about the unification thing. I mean, it's supposed to say something about you and you are a dynamic, multifaceted person so it makes sense that you would have many different things to say about yourself. I really like it and I like the sentence you added too, about you not being perfect/ the things in your room representing that, but I do agree that it might need to be cleaned up a bit to flow with the style/ cadence of your essay. But anyways, the main thing is that I don't actually think you need to worry about finding one thing, going against what I said in my other comment. This could totally work. It's honest and gives a real view into you which is what they want, so I've heard. :)

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / "I study physics during my free time" - MIT [7]

I do think the last line is a little much, even for MIT. It's kind of bill nye the science guy humor ish. You're call on that one.

The only other thing I would change is the "Dare I say, I'm not crazy!" Part because it kind of makes you sound like a mad scientist, and in doing so sort of refutes your point ;) It's cute and lively but you already have the quotations in there to bring your story to life so you don't need to over do it with the over enthusiasm. Just a thought!

Hope this helps!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / enjoy most - music, performing for children [3]

Hi!

Ok, depending on how much longer you need to make this essay, I would first continue with the anecdote and the beginning, finish off that specific experience in the hospital. Or you could go into more detail about it in the beginning, emphasizing the clumsiness but your continued efforts despite perhaps? You could elaborate on that and then go into a theme about offering what you have to those you can, or perhaps about doing what you love for those who need it? If you think of a larger theme you can sort of go for that and it might help you elongate the essay and it would make what you said more meaningful, seem like you gained more insight from the experience and what not.

Hope this helps!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [12]

Thank you so much! That helps a great deal.

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering Essays. :) [4]

haha life of a procrastinator... tell me about it. I really do think the second one is great. Most kids don't have that much conviction or forethought to actually implement an entire recycling system in their school so that's super impressive. It's really unique and you tell it fairly directly so people don't get lost in eloquent but sometimes confusing language (pretty as it may be). I really do think it's perfect, beyond the comment about the structural comment I made. Simple, direct, clear. Great!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / Commonapp - Gay Rights Issue [5]

I like your topic and, mostly, the way you present. You're not overly impassioned to the point to turning people off to you, but you present valid points that help people understand and take to heart what you're trying to say. The only point that was kind of confusing was when you went to talk to your family for advice and guidance and then in the next sentences turned around and was giving advice and guidance to them. The way you write it makes it seem like you didn't have opinions established and sought to find them in the opinions of your family when in reality (from what I read later) you did have an opinion and was more trying to discuss with your family than get advice/guidance from them. Does that make sense? Basically, you could just change it to you tried to talk to your family about how you felt about the topic or tried to talk to with them about how unruly your uncle acted and how unjust his opinion was but found that they actually shared his ideology? maybe? if that's what you're really trying to say, of course.

I hope that helps!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering Essays. :) [4]

Just a few things...

"Olin College is one the rare institutions" This seems awkward to me but maybe I've just never heard the expression "one the rare" before. Just pointing it out incase you didn't intend it to be that way :)

"Being surrounded with like-minded people, can provide me the challenges that I lust for." No comma necessary. "Being surrounded" is the subject and "with like minded people" is just a prep phrase that modifies it; the whole thing is not an introductory gerund which would need a comma after it.

"One of the most important qualities I can offer to the greater whole of Olin college, is my natural leadership, passion, curiosity, and imagination." Again, no comma before the is.

"The exchange of ideas and open receptiveness to a motley of thoughts and opinions is my ideal college experience." I would change experience to something like atmosphere or intellectual nature...something that pertains more specifically to the academic part of college life. You don't want your WHOLE experience just to be about the exchange of ideas. I mean, I guess you might but I feel like that's not what you're intending to get at here.

"perhaps start a club, join a sports team, tutor a friend, or give a presentation in class" This sounds like kind of a random list of things. Perhaps I'm not understanding their significance but it sort of seemed out of place in the essay to me.

The last paragraph is nicely written but the only part I don't understand is why you brought in the 2010 World Report.

I think your second essay is actually awesome. The only paragraph that needs some fixing up is the second to last one. You start two sentences with "after" so it sounds kind of awkward. Other than that I actually really like it! Great story!!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / Option #2 for Yale Supplement Essay--God, Beauty, cousin Eve [2]

Prompt: You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, the Short Answer, and the Personal Essay. While we leave the topic of your second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words.

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But...one night...I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way. I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened."

-Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller

My cousins are adorable. They came down to visit a few weekends ago. My favorite one is Eve, the youngest. I know it's terrible to have favorites, but something about this little four year old who screams "We're ready!!!!" to her two older sisters while she and I hide in the closet during hide and seek (unknowingly yet blatantly giving away our hiding spot) makes my heart melt. I love Eve for her lack of inhibitions and unreservedness, her naive perceptions, so clear to me. To see this small person live and be so dynamic, to watch her curiosity guide her and help her grow, leaves me in sheer awe and amazement. It's feelings like these that give me a glimpse into what God thinks of me.

Despite my numbness in the daily grind of academic life, I have experienced an immense amount of beauty lately. I have seen beauty in the hazel eyes of my baby cousin, her awe of my ability to complete the simple task of making hot chocolate. I've seen beauty at Sandy Neck Beach, peering out a sunroof with a beautiful friend, gazing at a sapphire ocean, wondering how any one body could cover such a vast expanse. I have seen it I people the most: in the sparkle in my mom's eyes when she greets me good morning, in the timber of my father's voice when he arrives home, in my friend peeping in the window of my science class just to wave hello. Every time I catch a glimmer of this illusive being named beauty, I remember who made it.

God loves me. He slow dances with me when I cry, listens to my petty and utterly insignificant concerns. To Him, I am Eve, this beautiful little child that truly doesn't know anything but that He loves despite my ignorance. He made the world beautiful for me by wrapping it in ribbons of color, filling it with the surprising, confusing, amazing people. He has held my hand when going through, what seemed at the time, like the depths of hell, never letting me suffer without a purpose, always knowing it had the ultimate design of drawing me back to Him. He loves me despite knowing the nasty things I've thought about those that love me, the selfish things I've done to gain admiration or attention. He'll love me forever and He'll never, ever, ever change. And that's why I love Him.

If anyone has read my "mr. bingley" essay, this would be in place of that one so a comparison of which one you like better would be most helpful, although just critiques on this one are good too as I might be able to use this for a different application.

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [12]

Ok, so I didn't change anything in the original essay but I tacked this on at the end to make it more pertinent to yale/ my goals for life. I'm wondering if it connects/ makes sense/ is applicable or if I should just leave it as is...

"I have been told, like millions of other youth in America, that I have potential, that I have a wealth of opportunity before me simply because of the country and class into which I was born. I plan on seizing these opportunities, most wealthy as they will be, when I attend Yale. I cannot, however, forget that I am not there merely for the enhancement of self. I am better myself, arming myself with knowledge and understanding, so that I will be able to help others with a lesser vantage than my own, people who can't help themselves. People like a Mr. Bingley."

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

I'm not certain this is exactly what college admission officers want to hear. It totally makes me want to me roommates with you (I'm applying to Stanford too :D) and it certainly makes you seem like a pleasant person but when I was trying to decide between the bingley essay (which I think you actually commented on) and an array of random facts about myself, sort of similar to your own, my teacher advised me to stick to one topic because it said more about me. But I think you tie the essay together well with how you keep the focus on your house, what happens inside of it, what it looks like, how you participate in your family dynamic, etc. It certainly says a lot about your likes and dislikes and I certainly feel like I know you better, but I'm worried your sentiments make more sense to me/ have more impact on me because I am a peer and have a number of very similar likes and dislikes. Maybe you could talk about more specific dreams? That's one more definite critique I have: make the dreams/ beauty part more specific. Conclusions are the hardest part, I know! You have to sort of make sense of what you've just written.

At this point, it's really hard to know what the admissions team wants. I know they say they have not particular criteria, but there are obviously things that turn them off or that they like. I think it would be fine if you sent this in as is, save for the change of the sentence about "inspires the most beautiful of my dreams" because it's a bit awkward.

I hope this helps! Best of luck!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [12]

Thank you both sooo much for your comments! It helps a bunch! I agree with the change of the sentence about sitting on my desk being awkward. I struggled to write that in the first place. About the ending, I was thinking about tying it into my career in medicine? But I sort of already did that in my common app essay so I thought I would steer clear of that. Perhaps I'll just relate it more to caring about people in every day life? Thanks again to both of you!!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Poetry / Thesis ideas for Comparing and Contrasting two poems [14]

Do you have any other options? Is this a supplement or a required essay?

If it's required, I would suggest googling poetry techniques that you could cite as similar or dissimilar in each. Examples of some techniques are: imagery (not only visual but also the creation of any sensory experience, smell, touch, taste), diction (word choice, kind of a lame one), structure (of the entire poem), tone, meaning/ theme, point of view, syntax (how each line/ sentence is organized, subject, verb, object and what not), alliteration (repeated sounds)...

I hope that helps!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [12]

Thank you for reading this! It's funny, actually, because my teacher told me kind of the opposite, that it was kind of original because it was taking significance from a seemingly insignificant incident, but I totally see what you're saying. Knowing that someone else has already labeled it as cliche means it's been done before (obviously), so what your teacher is saying clearly has merit. I'll try to think of something to change it to. Thank you again for your comment!

sbrooks10

Dec 20, 2009

Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [12]

Prompt: You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, the Short Answer, and the Personal Essay. While we leave the topic of your second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words.

Let me preface this by saying no animals were harmed (at least, not intentionally) in the unfolding of this story.
At 9:47 pm, March 9, 2009, Mr. Bingley was found dead. In the hour after his death, the world stopped for a few moments to honor this small creature. Well, maybe not the whole world, but my world at least.

Mr. Bingley was my iridescent blue pet beta fish. He sat on my desk, left of my laptop, for the few months prior, since about Christmas or the New Year. He was a good fish...as good as a pet fish could be. Still, I never cared much for Mr. Bingley. He had been purchased in a moment of whimsy and excitement, selected only for his beauty from among the hundred others on the shelf. I pushed the limit on changing his tank, waiting a week and a half instead of the recommended three days. When I did change it, I was far from gentle, scooping him up with my oily hand and yelling "Geronimooo!!!" with the proper, gradual decrescendo when pouring him back into his freshly cleaned tank. I needed to compensate: if I could not take good care of him while he was alive, the least I could do was show him some respect after he was dead. So at 10:14 that night, I set Mr. Bingley afloat on the lake behind my house. His resting place was a small floating catacomb, hurriedly constructed from cardboard and stationery; the vigil, marked and ennobled by candlelight. After setting him afloat, I sat on my dock, silently watching him go, my flashlight acting as a spotlight to guide him on his way. For a while he just floated. And then he was gone.

Yes, in reality Mr. Bingley was only a fish. But to me, Mr. Bingley is something greater. He taught me life does not consist solely of productivity or competition; sometimes life is just art, beauty. He reminded me to be humble in nature and reverent to everyone, to be faithful in the simple and the small. Most importantly, Mr. Bingley reminded me that in my life there is more than me and that I don't live for only myself.

Comments and critiques are gladly welcomed!!