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Posts by zain12qa
Joined: Dec 24, 2009
Last Post: Dec 25, 2009
Threads: 4
Posts: 11  


Displayed posts: 15
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zain12qa   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Upenn Optional essay: My Goal in Life [4]

gemma2345
Well if I just finished my autobiography, and I realized my goal in the near future pg 217 seems good. I realized my goal in high school. I just read yours, you take a different perspective of the autobiography. They way I understood the question is that I just finished it, meaning while being 17. You can interpret the question in many ways. Is the grammar/syntax good? I don't want to make any careless mistakes, something I don't realize is incorrect.
zain12qa   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Upenn Optional essay: My Goal in Life [4]

Prompt: You have just finished your 300 page auto-biography submit page 217.

Going up a rickety ride, surrounded by mud-like bricks, I was afraid. The floors looked abandoned; I had never seen anything so filthy. I was surprised that the elevator was working without a door. I walked out into the top floor and I saw people, many people, living in conditions that I would not expect someone who lives right across my street to live in. Everything had a noxious odor to it. My senses of adventure had led me into this apartment building. I saw the older buildings being taken down; this one was the run-down building to stand in my area. Where would these people go once the new buildings have been put in place? This was downtown Dubai. At age 9, I identified the conditions that extremely poor people faced as a problem. I wanted to solve it.

As I got older, I realized the complexity of the problem, the cycle of poverty. I made a goal, to help these people. When visiting Pakistan, the country of my birth, I realized that the cause of the cycle was a result of the education system. Private schools, the ones I attended there, were too expensive for the common people, and most people in public schools did not get post secondary school education. Without the ability to learn, they were unable to advance, they did do not have an opportunity. They also did not have access to basic health care. People perished with common illnesses such as the cold. In an unfair world, I was given the larger slice of the pie. Still trying to find a resolution I learned even if I planned on sharing my wealth, it would only reach a few people but it would still help some. There had to be a better way, I was sure of it. I came up with a plan. While continuing donations, I could help the people by providing them education and health care. Once I have more knowledge about medicine, mathematics, science, Urdu, English, and history I could teach them these things myself. This way they will be able to sustain themselves without me directly sharing my wealth, which was a temporary bypass to the cycle. I had finally found my goal, something that would make me feel better about getting the bigger slice.

I wanted to gather help, everywhere I turned people were supportive. In school, we established awareness sessions to let people know what was happening around the world. Everyone gave me hope, but my mother was the first to remind me how immense this task is. She told me about celebrities and people who are already helping, and the troubles they are facing. I discussed my proposition of opening a public school/health center in Pakistan. How it would provide basic information on health care for everyone, and teach grades from kindergarten to grade 12. I also discussed where the best location would be, and who in Pakistan I know who would help me things started becoming more realistic. I knew if I were to start something like this I would need a lot of help. So in high school I shared my goal with all my friends, telling them of how we received the greater piece of the pie and most agreed to help in some way.

To remind myself of my goal, I read the news regularly, watching these people struggle. Weather it is from an earthquake that hit a remote area, or the dispersion of the flu. I helped run a class at the Martin Luther King Youth Center to get to understand the teaching process. It was an experience filled with pleasure. I directed kids in doing art, practicing their basketball skills, and taught them how to use the computer. I would wake up each summer morning excited to see how they learn. Sometimes discipline was hard to establish, especially during recess when everything seemed to go haywire, but by joining in with their games, things got better. I taught them some importance of rules. What I found interesting was the contrast in the ways I was able to appease young kids versus people my age.

Thank you for reading, any help is welcome!
zain12qa   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "Aitizaz Ahsan inspired me" - significant person, Common application essay [3]

Pakistan Zindabad! Great essay, very well written, I would suggest to decrease the length, it is to long. I would cut down on the description of the lawyers' movement and add more on how Aitizaz impacts your daily life. You can give an example of a situation you encountered and you used his spirit or what you have learned from his actions.

Check my essay out please:
zain12qa   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Williams "Looking through a window" Essay [3]

The essay would read more interestingly if you have dialogue that would be between you and your friend about the discussion of God, instead of just mentioning that you had these discussions.
zain12qa   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay- My experience in FIRST Robotics! [3]

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

With hundreds of people watching, I remembered how I reached this competition. At my first robotics meeting I was overwhelmed by the task of building a robot which had to collect and shoot balls while being controlled wirelessly. I listened to the experienced members and examined the older robots; this made me even more intimidated. Each person had a specialty, whether it was with strategy, manufacturing, design, or programming. Trying to find out my place on the team I gave each field a try and learned the whole process. I designed shooting mechanisms, tested them, and reported the advantages and disadvantages for each one. With a little mentoring, I quickly got accustomed to using drill presses and saws, and making robot parts on my own. With my first competition underway, I was proud with my contribution in designing the shooter of our robot.
zain12qa   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / INSPIRE & SURE - Emory Univeristy Supplemental [7]

Instead of stating that it is one of the best research universities you should comment on one of Emory's ongoing researches, to show that you have researched the school. Since many schools say they are heavily invested on research.
zain12qa   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app short answer; teaching assistant [2]

Interesting read that is interesting to read. Add more specific events, don't talk about things such as the main activity instead explain how it happened. A few things i would change :

All thirty eyes were clearly on me.

were staring at me.

e, by being an active participant than being just an observer. I

just being an observer

ss by improving my Japanese first and coming up with new ideas for classroom activities.

by first improving my Japanese and then coming up with ideas for classroom activities.

Over all I think it shows your initiative and good luck to you!
zain12qa   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn Supplement Essay- Pakistan Society and One Health at Penn [3]

Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?


The University of Pennsylvania Pakistan Society is most interesting to me because it allows me to get a cultural feeling at college that will mimic the one I am used to at home. It will be exciting to teach others cultural traditions from the country of my birth. This will not only help me maintain a connection to life in Pakistan, but it will also allow me to educate people at the University about Pakistani culture, politics, and values. With Pakistan developing a closer relationship with the United States, it is becoming increasingly important to inform the people here about Pakistan.

In my school's Students of South Asian Society, I organized movie showings, performances, buffets, and information sessions and was able to diversify the culture at Markville Secondary School. I also helped introduce new immigrants from South Asia to life in Canada. I was able to understand them and make them feel comfortable in the new country. With my involvement in the club I made many friends and met many new people. Penn's Pakistan Society will allow me to continue helping students who have recently come from South Asia.

The One Health is an academic community I am interested in because I understand the importance of the "consilience of human, domestic animal, and wildlife health." Having lived in Markham, Canada I have observed different ways of trying to leave a smaller environmental footprint. Small things such as composting, recycling, and using electricity more efficiently can help accomplish this goal. The community at Markham has taken the initiative to establish a green bin that would be collected along with the regular garbage and recycling. This greatly reduced the size of landfills since the green bin consists of biodegradable compost which would be better for the environment. Also, living in a Middle Eastern nation, United Arab Emirates, I understand the importance of preserving water. Using my knowledge from living in many different areas I will be able to help the One Health organization develop new ways to live in more sustainable ways. This knowledge will help the community at Penn understand the need for caring for life on earth. With swine flu, and the recent viruses attained from animals, such as monkey pox and mad cow disease, people value the fine relationship between human and wild life health more than ever. There are recent demonstrations in Copenhagen, Denmark, where people who live environmentally friendly want the rest of the world to join in their mission. I want to utilize One Health to contribute to the positive environmental movement that has been established at The University of Pennsylvania.
zain12qa   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "school of universal learning" - Why Carnegie Mellon Essay [3]

From this essay I understand that you know how to do research, and know CMU very well. The essay needs a flow/emotion in it, it gets boring to read because of its length and sheer amount of information.
zain12qa   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / my career in the medical field - Common Application Essay [8]

Topic of your choice.

Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.

There it stood front and center, poking out, causing so many stares. For ten years of my life there were so many awkward moments. Every encounter involved a gaze, a question, and the emergence of my story. When I was two, my sister had accidentally dropped me from a long flight of marble stairs. Fortunately, no permanent damage had been done, as far as I know, except for a broken front tooth. As I grew older, I often played with my gums, causing the tooth to become crooked and pointing straight out.

Since the crooked tooth became an excellent ice breaker for conversations, I did not really mind having one. It was useful when my family later moved from Pakistan to Canada in 1999. I had noticed many people I met staring at my tooth. So I found it necessary to tell them the story behind it, and this ended up being the way I met many new friends. One year later we moved to Dubai. During the first days of my new school, I was very reserved; until someone asked me about my tooth. As I told the story more often, it became more vivid in my mind and I got better at telling the tale. Moreover, I was not shy in English class when I performed as Macbeth, or during my first job interview at Best Buy, or even when I sang "Get Busy" in a shopping mall to win Baskin Robbins ice-cream. In a year of living in Dubai I made many close friends. Though we were comfortable in Dubai, we decided to move back to Canada. I was excited to go back again, it seemed like one big adventure to me. Having moved to many different schools, I have become accustomed to meeting new people and introducing myself. My tooth has liberated me from my initial timidity.

In high school my communication skills have made me an extraordinary presenter as well as an excellent debater. The abnormality of the tooth has subconsciously given me confidence throughout my life, and now I am not afraid to stand behind my beliefs as a result of past experiences. Being exposed to different people and having lived in different areas has allowed me to become very adaptable and very at ease with people. I have enjoyed joining the Heart and Stroke Foundation and also functioned as the publicity person, coordinating all the details for special events. For this club, I helped raise money through various sports tournaments including basketball, volleyball, and badminton. I ensured that there was ample participation and that rules were followed during the tournaments. We raised approximately $2,500 dollars for cancer research from a Hoops-for-Heart basketball tournament. This was one of the most successful events I helped orchestrate.

A year ago we moved again, this time to New Jersey. I knew nothing about this area. It was just me, and this new place, and that crazy tooth story to tell those new people who would be staring at me. Recently I got braces, and do not need my tooth to speak for me anymore. I plan on using my new found confidence in an effort to further help me accomplish my goals, whether it is my career in the medical field or finding new ways to help people in need.

Any comments are welcome!
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