Undergraduate / Brown Essays - "Why Brown?", "Why your major?", and "What don't you know?" [2]

Please harshly critique. <3
They're not donnne, for sure. I wrote a lot, mainly because I wrote free form so I could get the ideas out. I will be working on cutting them down and making them more coherent. Just thought while I'm doing that I could also get feedback.

Thanks!

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1) Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Tell us more about your interest in Brown. Who or what influenced your decision to apply?

1000 characters or less
1412 characters used

I have set a very high bar for my future school. I want a place that not only will stimulate my mind, but also provide me with endless opportunities and a chance to grow in character.

While I realize college is meant to stimulate the mind in general, I believe experiencing it at Brown University will bring it to the next level. The cross-disciplinary teaching and concentration element within its curriculum is (adjective). I believe the exploration of arts is crucial to cognitive maturity and the fact that Brown encourages students to pursue art regardless of intention to major would be something I'd be sure to benefit from.

Brown has a range of opportunities which cater to my diverse interests. As a student I would without doubt tryout for Women's Club Soccer, audition for Bear Necessities, and join the Ballroom Dance Team. I would like to build a Romanian club and contribute my heritage to the society on campus.

My high expectations do not end with a list of the preferred features of my dream school; I never forget to give myself high expectations as well. Just like Brown, I believe that being an individual is impossible without a community; that is why I choose to make cooperation, consideration of others, and exploration of diverse perspectives common practices in my life. Brown's attitude parallels mine and confirms that it is the right place for me to meet all my expectations and grow.

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2)Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated above? (I listed International Relations and East Asian Studies.)
1000 characters or less
1078 characters used

I'm a first generation American with a proud Romanian heritage. My family, both here in America and in Romania, has taught me the language and habits and love for this culture. I have been fortunate to live and experience a life in both the American and Romanian cultures.

When I was seven I discovered Japan and became captivated by its culture. I wanted to understand their culture so much that I looked for ways to begin learning the language. Shortly after my discovery, my awareness of other cultures began to cultivate as well.

As time passed, I had the opportunity to travel to countries other than Romania - Turkey, France, Germany, and the Netherlands. What I realized though, was that I didn't know enough to be able to understand the people past the appearances of dress, architecture, and habit.

In searching for a path in life that would give me the tools tools to not only better understand Japan but any other culture, I fell in love with International Relations. I know this major will fulfill my fascination with the difference in cultures and provide me a foundation to explore more.

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3) "Education is being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't." What don't you know?
500 words or less

I don't know what I don't know.
My mother puts it this way: knowledge is a circle surrounded by question marks. The circle represents your knowledge. The question marks represent what your knowledge allows you to ask. Only a certain amount of question marks fit around the circle. With every question that is asked and with every answer that is found, knowledge expands and the circle grows. As the new circle of knowledge grows, so does the number of questions which become available to ask. The cycle repeats.

This analogy teaches that without knowledge, the right questions to ask are not perceptible. Furthermore, the existence of these questions are ungraspable.
What I do know inside of my own circle of knowledge is that the more questions I answer, the more information becomes available to me.

It can be related to a child's first encounter with the alphabet. A teacher writes the letter 'A' on a classroom board and names it for what it is. The child stares at it and then wonders, "Well how many others of those are there?" Once the child learns the rest of the letters, a discovery occurs, which in time is accompanied by another discovery, and another: The letters can be combined to form words, and the words can be combined into phrases; the phrases into paragraphs; the paragraphs into books - until suddenly all the wealth of knowledge that comes from being literate is suddenly at the child's fingertips, where originally not even a single letter brought recognition.

This is why learning is so important. One question leads to another, and soon before anyone has realized it, life has grown, a person's knowledge has grown, but there are still more questions to be answered. (You can't learn everything.)

In short, I don't know what I don't know, but as I learn more, I will.

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Undergraduate / "My Mantra" - Common Application Essay [6]

Prompt: "Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice. The essay should help us to become acquainted with you as a person while demonstrating your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself."

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I have a quote that I have applied throughout my life, so often that it's become my mantra. Among the list of proverbs and silly mottos that my Romanian mother has provided me with, this one has stuck out the most. And believe me, it's hard to out-do her when she mistakenly says, "The fly doesn't fly far from the tree trunk." It has given me the strength necessary to get through tough moments in my life. No saying could be presented in a more affirming and positive way than, "Se poate rezolva orice iti pui in minte," or the Romanian version of, "I can do anything I put my mind to." Not too long ago, I found myself in a position that once again proved the saying true.

One Friday afternoon I received a phone call from my friend Fay. She asked me if I could cover for somebody in a show she was in - a flash mob. A flash mob, she explained, is a brief, synchronized performance at a public place, made to surprise passersby. This one was being organized by the Las Vegas Rainbow Company Youth Theatre to advertise an upcoming musical. They had been practicing for two weeks and at the last minute someone had dropped out. Final rehearsal was to be held later that night at the Fashion Show Mall, and the performance was the next day.

I wondered out loud how I would learn the dance moves on such short notice. I wasn't sure if I could do it, but it sounded like a great opportunity and I was ready to give it a try. Fay suggested I go to her house before the practice so she could teach me.

Within an hour I had the dance steps down, but not the blocking. Blocking includes where, when, and how a person moves about the stage, and thus was important for me to know if I planned on blending in. Fay told me that I was to learn all this at the run-through.

Later when the rehearsal at the mall started, I became nervous. I remembered that I used to have nightmares about being in shows and not having a clue about where to go or what to do. Se poate rezolva orice iti pui in minte, I thought over and over so as to shake off the feeling.

Everyone walked through the blocking on the mall's runway and I followed along, hoping to prove to myself there was no reason to worry. However, as the first run-through came to an end, I made a mistake. The song was ending and I found myself very far away from where my final pose was supposed to be! I ended up leaping across the runway in fake-ballerina moves to the right spot. It was embarrassing, and I could only hope that none of the janitors wiping the Apple Store windows had noticed it. Se poate rezolva orice iti pui in minte went through my head again, and I put aside my embarrassment. The second time was much better.

I went home that night and thought about how happy I was that Fay had thought to ask me for help. Even more than that, I was thrilled about my decision to participate, and excited for the performance.

The next day, the group met at the food court a half hour before the show. So as not to create suspicion, we were to drift over to the general area two or three people at a time and browse among the shops until our cue. The wait seemed long but finally the music on the mall's speakers changed and the first group of people ventured into formation. Fay and I and the rest of the dance crew joined the crowd that formed, pretending to not understand what was going on.

I exclaimed how odd it was that these people had started to dance out of nowhere. A lady next to me agreed, some in my vicinity pointed, and a group of boys behind me laughed.

When my turn to join the dance came, I hopped out from the crowd, no longer a bystander, and heard gasps from those who had surrounded me. "Did you see that?! She just jumped right in, as if she knew the dance too!" A smile flashed across my face and I began to do just that.

During the last dance formation I remember looking into the crowd and seeing their entertained faces. These people had only planned to stroll along the mall that day, and had wound up witnesses to an unexpected spectacle. It felt great to be a part of it. Their reactions reassured me that I had made a good choice.

The dance ended and we all dispersed into different directions in the mall, as if nothing had happened. I walked away with the biggest grin, realizing that I had done it! I had wanted to help my friend and I had pulled it off. By going all the way through with my commitment- even when I found myself a little embarrassed and lost- I had the experience of a lifetime.

My hopes are that this same attitude will help me create positive outcomes from the difficult situations I will face in the future. Se poate rezolva orice iti pui in minte!

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This will go on my Commonapp long essay to seven colleges.

You've never met me before; what qualities do you learn about me and how do I come across?
Are there any superflious details? Any fluff that needs to be taken out?
Are there any fuzzy concepts that you don't understand?
Is it too long?
Is there a title that would fit better than "My Mantra"?

Harsh criticism welcome!

Undergraduate / Profile Questions and "Why Stanford" - Stanford Supplement Essays [4]

I appreciate all criticism!

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1) Name your favorite books, authors, films, and/or musical artists.

Books: The Great Gatsby, Grendel
Plays: Pygmalion, You Can't Take It With You, The Glass Menagerie
Authors: F. Scott Fitzgerald, George Bernard Shaw, Henry David Thoreau
Films: A Walk to Remember, Pirates of the Caribbean
Artists: Coblie Caillat, Beyonce, Doris Day, DJ Tiesto

2) What newspapers, magazines, and/or websites do you enjoy?

Newspapers: Las Vegas Review Journal, LVA Accolades
Magazines: Time Magazine, Yen Plus Magazine, Seventeen, Travel + Leisure Magazine
Websites: Youtube, Myspace, Deviantart, Threadbanger, Pandora

3) What is the most significant challenge that society faces today?

Being sustainable is a challenge we are currently facing. We live in a world that carries an exponentially increasing population whose lives are lead by the convenience of technology. This single fact has upset our responsible use of natural resources.

4) How did you spend your last two summers?

2008: volunteered as a Muscular Dystrophy Association Camp Counselor; worked as Barista at Rejavanate Coffee Lounge; competed in Chaparral HS Soccer Intramurals.
2009: visited family in Romania, Europe; researched and went to see colleges; created and completed a list of books to read.

5) What were your favorite events (e.g., performances, exhibits, sporting events, etc.) this past year?

The Las Vegas A Cappella Summit, where my Jazz Choir had a bonding moment; Getting my driver's license, which let me be more involved outside school; Learning to surf in Hawaii; Teaching Romanian culture to Sam, an American-born family friend, during her first trip to Romania.

6) What historical moment or event do you wish you could have witnessed?

I wish I had been present during the invention of the phonograph and wax cylinders in 1877. I'm intrigued by what was Thomas Edison's thought process behind the idea of capturing the intangible object of sound. I value this invention because it was the precursor to all of today's recorded music.

7) What five words best describe you?

Perseverant, Inquisitive, Tactful, Passionate, Caring

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"Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you."
250 words minimum, but not to exceed 1800 characters

I've visited Stanford University just once and already had an adventure there. There is a reason why a school becomes as renowned as Stanford does; I didn't have to venture very far to find out why.

I had been sitting on the steps in front of Memorial Hall waiting for my tour guide to arrive when I noticed the harmonious traffic of bicycles travel around a fountain. These students may have simply been commuting to class, but their view of life couldn't have been represented more clearly on their determined faces: they were there to make a difference. I want to make difference too and I believe I can, through Stanford's advocacy that entering college with broad ideas is best; I will bring an accompanying will to refine them through research.

I hope for a community that believes collaboration is the best way to overcome challenges. A school which encourages students to become promoters of social justness would be the perfect home for my loves of cooperation, consideration of others, and exploration of diverse perspectives. My wish is to apply these values to my studies in the International Relations program at Stanford.

My ever expanding range of passions is covered perfectly within Stanford's organizations. As a student I would without doubt tryout for the Women's Club Soccer team, join the Ballroom Team and the Romanian Student Association. I plan to study abroad in Japan during a year of college and I have particular interest in the Kyoto Bing Overseas Study Program. I can also imagine applying the performing arts skills I've acquired at my high school to the drama department or a music group like Harmonics.

These activities, in addition to my preferred major and the atmosphere created by everyone involved, prove that my opportunities will be limitless at Stanford.

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Undergraduate / "Why Vassar" - Vassar College Supplement Essay [8]

"How did you learn about Vassar and what aspects of our college do you find appealing?"

500 character limit
498 characters used

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I was born and raised in suburban East Rochester, NY. It seemed I would still be there for college, so my family mentioned some institutions, Vassar College among them. Unexpectedly, my family moved to Las Vegas. Although I love Nevada, its history, culture, and environment are nowhere near as superb as those in New York State. I'm impressed with the atmosphere created by the minds at Vassar. I hope to be a valuable addition with my interests in the International Studies and Japanese programs.

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Did I assess every part of the prompt?
Are there any awkward sentences that could be rewritten without exceeding the character limit?

I've been seeing other Vassar essays and they are MUCH longer. Am I missing something?
I want to add WAY more; I've been cutting this down all day.
I didn't get the space to mention my interest in the soccer club, fencing, Victorian Studies, drama and art department, the summer program to Japan that I would do, and the parts of campus that attract me the most.

Please be vicious with your criticism, I need it! <3