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Posts by Envie
Joined: Dec 30, 2009
Last Post: Feb 9, 2010
Threads: 4
Posts: 60  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 64 / page 1 of 2
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Envie   
Feb 6, 2010
Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

It's just the difference in "culture," or rather, the attitudes of the majority of the people living in different states. Just because majority of Californians thought the gays should have the same chance (mainly because it has a large homosexual population) does not mean Philippininos think the same way.

It's like asking (back in the old days), why was North against slavery when South wasn't?

Everyone has different opinions and it all depends on who makes up the majority (of the voters) and thus, who makes it through the legislature that wins.
Envie   
Feb 6, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Active Verb Sentence [5]

Most seldom achieved this goal due to low wage jobs and discriminations based on race, religion and gender.

This keeps it at the same verb tense, if that was what you wanted.
Envie   
Feb 1, 2010
Undergraduate / the Korean community, true hero: common application inspiration [4]

She is stronger than Popeye, higher-flying than Superman, more reliable than Captain Planet, and more incredible than even Mr. Incredible; she is my mother, my superhero.

Instead of being passive here in your language, why not lighten it up more and use active, more imagery-evoking verbs? Verbs are awesome!

Here's my version! (of course, you SHOULD DEFINITELY change it to more of your voice seeing admission officers are amazing in their discerning changes in voice and inferring that someone has drastically helped you. Easily beating Popeye in an arm wrestling match, out-flying even Superman, and being more incredible than Mr. Incredible, she is a mother--my mother, my superhero. (I took out the Captain Planet because I don't really get that and three's the charm :-)

It's not every day you find a person that is able to both inspire and impact you.

In my opinion, inspiration is making an impact on someone.

Generalizations, in my opinion, can sometimes be offensive to the reader if it contradicts him although you include him as part of "Americans"

Also, to answer your question, yes, you should definitely talk about you more; how she has changed you rather than who she is. This isn't a "My Hero" essay but rather "YOU" essay.
Envie   
Feb 1, 2010
Poetry / Poetry on Parents and Immigration [4]

Thank you! Yes, I love your edits, Susan, and I completely agree, jjinko, it can definitely be improved; now, reading it again, I must've written it while in some foul mood five years ago...strange. Reading things you've written in your past can be really amusing. You should try it, haha.

I grew old, too, into a bitter thorn
and cried whether I neverhad asked to be born

She flew hard and high,
knowing her child's urgent needs
and that the dark evening was nigh.
Then, age took hershe aged with her attempted deeds,
butto only find her child flewflying away into the night,
out of her nest, out of her reach, out of her sight.

To hismy surprise, the beast cried--misunderstood
and when the tears finally dried, it stood,
shedding its hide; inside,to reveal the hidden sacrifices--a withered rose
Then, the child sang the melody of grief and years of sorrows

In the "original" version, there was another stanza that was quite dramatic but it helped wrap up the allusion to Beauty and the Beast (well, it was the only stanza that had most of the allusions) the only allusion remaining now is the withered rose although it's quite out of context, :-P

Again, thanks for the help :)
Envie   
Jan 30, 2010
Essays / Teaching method. AP English (Literature & Composition) Class Questions [10]

For us, we read, analyze, and write essays. Remember, the AP exam requires you to write an essay based on the works you have read.

I suggest you read works that are "universal" to different groups of people. Also, you should look at the prompts from the previous years in the AP Exam.

I personally won't be worrying much simply because I would rather take more English Lit/Language/Comp. classes in college then squeeze a credit out of the college curriculum with an AP Exam score...High school classes can never match the depth of a college one, in my opinion. (but then again, that opinion is only based on my assumption that socratic seminars and works we read are higher leveled compared to high school)
Envie   
Jan 30, 2010
Poetry / Poetry on Parents and Immigration [4]

Hey EF, I just found this poem lying around (I wrote this about five years ago...!); I reread it and changed some words but I *think* at the time, I was trying to convey my disappointment with my father and at the same time my forgiveness as well as our family coming to United States! It rhymes, which obviously shows your taste in language changes over the years...

Enjoy and critique.

It Was Then That I Learned to Walk

It was then that I learned to walk
with the help of my mother's hand
Without the knowledge to talk,
no gratitude--just screams at the hard sand

And then I learned hatred
And then I learned pain
And then, I learned grief

I grew old, too, into a bitter thorn
and cried whether I had asked to be born

She flew hard and high,
knowing her child's urgent needs
and that the dark evening was nigh.
Then, age took her with her attempted deeds,
but her child flew away into the night,
out of her nest, out of her reach, out of her sight.

And I learned to live
And I learned to believe
And, I learned to trust

One night, the child flew back--forlorn
to the sad bird, to the nest
And found his home a-torn
Then, to the beast he cried--
Have you changed, have you even tried?

And then, I learned to forgive
to forgive and to forgive

To his surprise, the beast cried--misunderstood
and when the tears finally dried, it stood,
shedding its hide; inside, the hidden sacrifices--withered rose
Then, the child sang the melody of grief and years of sorrows

It was then, that I learned about life.

It was quite recent that I learned to walk
with the help of my mother's hand.
Without the knowledge to talk,
The quiet bird let her child sing for her in this foreign land.
Envie   
Jan 25, 2010
Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]

But, hey I think awarding the lazies actually helps me :-P 2350 SAT but only 4.3 GPA :( Wasn't feeling high school Freshmen year...
Envie   
Jan 21, 2010
Book Reports / Essay on Structural Violence as Explained by Paul Farmer's Anthropology [5]

I like all the advices, Britt! And thanks for that change in that sentence, Kevin; it really clarifies the ending. It flows better too for some reason. I kept feeling, while writing the essay, that I was using too many "poor" and it didn't sound right at the end there but putting "that" instead of using the phrase as a modifier definitely sets it right :-)

Thanks again!
Envie   
Jan 21, 2010
Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

My point is that teachers are generally fair, and if they give lower grades on essays, that's not cuz of race or anything, but because of writing skills. Most people in my class gets the same grade as me, which means that I, and I would dare to speak for some of my other counterparts, am simply not as good in writing as in math, but so what? I'm still young and have ample time to improve :D

You misunderstood me. QiMin was saying that the teachers gave her/him good grades possibly because he/she was Chinese. Not, bad grades. If it were bad grades, I would've just said it's probably because her/his writing was not adequate. I just was making a point that I would rather have a teacher give me a grade I deserve rather than giving me a better grade because of where I come from. I find that insulting.

Also, my teacher pointed out that I have some writing quirks particular to "immigrants"

That's funny :-o because my teacher kinda says a different thing. He said the other day that his students who hadn't lived in America as long as the native-born students are better grammatically because they are free from common mistakes used in daily conversations etc. Although I do agree that when you "translate" or transfer a sentence from your language view to English, it is often skewed with those mistakes.

As for SAT, reading books (well, reading anything of a certain level) will help you tremendously. If you enjoy reading and if you read a lot, the Writing section should be a breeze (maybe not the essay part) as well as the Critical Reading section.
Envie   
Jan 21, 2010
Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]

GPA > SAT

If it were the other way around, the colleges would be rewarding the lazies over hardworkers who aren't great test-takers. I personally know someone who got into Yale with a lousy SAT score. Her GPA was really good so was her essays and I hear her interview went really well so I don't know how those factor in for you but...well, application time is done anyways :-P
Envie   
Jan 21, 2010
Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

I think Nikita mentioned in another thread that she loves Strunk and White's Elements of Style (I do too).

Um, I think that was me.
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "My professional experiences vary a lot" - Peace Corps Acceptance Essay #1 [11]

I don't think you need to go TOO thorough.

I would just do it on the forum itself just in case what happened to you happened again. I think I remember the essay you were talking about. Did it start off talking about spiderman/or superman? That might have been a completely different essay
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

You need to be confident. Confidence in your own writing is one ingredient that you should have.

Hell, English wasn't even my second language--it was my third. I still got by and the fact that your school has allowed you to get out of ESOL class simply proves your English is proficient especially when some administrator allowed you to take the AP English class.

Don't credit your teachers for giving your grade due to sympathy. You deserved them. I hope self-confidence is something you learn from this website as well because I see way too many students who come from different countries like I did basically die in English classes through self pity and low self-esteem. Sorry if I'm sounding too harsh but please, confidence (and mistakes, as you've pointed out) are "stepping stones to success."
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Faq, Help / Why is my topic / thread deleted? [78]

You should have saved it onto your computer :(

And I understand the whole rule on subject titles because it helps the readers and the moderators to distinguish between essays. You should have put a part of your topic sentence or your essay's main points on the title. When you start a thread, it even gives you a warning.
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

I don't understand why you thought they didn't fail you because you were Chinese.

If they based your grades on your ethnicity that is the most offensive thing a teacher can possibly do.
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Poetry / 'siting in a dark room...' poem [9]

I really suggest you keep up the binary composition of the poetry rather than smudging the lines.

sitting in a dark room...do not know why?
hearing them talking about me...he must be a spy...
I thought it is just a lie...a huge bald guy came into my room...
without saying Hi...he threw my passport and said...
it is time to say bye...I stood and said I am not a spy...
this is my country...so, you must say bye...
otherwise....you will cry cry cry...

Is this a real-life experience, as Kevin asked? Because if it isn't, I don't really see the message of the poem.

Sitting in a dark room--

"Do you not know why?"
Hearing whispers about me--

"Spy, spy, spy"
Thought it as just a lie,
But a menacing man barged into the room,
Without a Hi and throwing my passport,

"It is time to say bye"
I stood and I said--I am not a spy
Leave or you will cry, cry, cry.

I don't know.
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Grammar, Usage / The more "criminal" of the two writing style: Cliched and Cheesy vs Boring? [5]

What do you hold as the more "criminal" of the two writing style?

1) Cliched and Cheesy...
2) Boring

I personally would go for boring than cheesy pieces of writing. If I write something and it sounds cheesy, I try to rewrite it and if it's without a success, I throw it out. But boring, if it is written with good diction/syntax but a boring approach, I can forgive it :-P

How about you?
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]

No, a lot of private colleges care about your GPA and the rigor of the classes you have taken.

SAT is (for almost all the colleges) secondary compared to GPA and your transcript of how "difficult" your classes are as well as your high school, since your performance is off the variable of your high school's difficulty as well as offers/opportunities.

And about the whole ACT vs SAT, that differs. Some do not score well on the SAT because SAT tests logic (and in a way, the way you think) while ACT is solely what you have learned. Those who did well on SAT and are good student will do equally well on ACT unless they made some time management errors (in ACT, time is everything). Personally, I think SAT is a better indication of college "preparedness" than ACT.
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

I wouldn't really care if colleges knew because I would never put up my college application essays ^_^ (especially because I found out we can't take them off after it is sufficiently helped).

I mean, I was introduced to this forum by this kid who went on here to look at people's supplementary essays to the specific colleges and then take their phrasing or "ideas/approaches" and used them. The person was a great writer so it didn't sound much like plagiarism but you could definitely tell the source of the person's "inspiration."

I don't want to be that victim.
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

Read strunk and white

I LOVE The Elements of Style! Although a lot of its information is rudimentary but it's still fun to read it and it helps with some of the mistakes that are often used in high school.

I've personally had weird array of English teachers...starting from middle school.

One of my English teacher was rumored to have modeled for PlayBoy which was definitely (I think) false and she always slightly shook her head from left to right whenever a student was answering a question which always confused the kid because he/she thought he/she was wrong.

Well, she was the sole cause of my grammatical improvement.

Then, I had this teacher who was really annoying about little details and (in a way) taught me to pay attention to the minute details...was NOT fun.

My other English teacher was definitely crazy. An amazing teacher and writer who tremendously helped me improve my own style and maintain it throughout but she was just plain bizarre. Not to mention, scary. If you weren't on her good side (luckily, I was), then she loathed you until you wrote a good essay (which is what happened to one of the kid). My current English teacher is quirky but good although I sometimes dislike the occasional mood swings and tangents.

English teachers are weird. One of them even accused me of plagiarism when I quoted Lord of the Flies and wrote after the quote, "--Lord of the Flies" which still confuses me to this day.
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Book Reports / Essay on Structural Violence as Explained by Paul Farmer's Anthropology [5]

The essay's topic basically asks to reflect on a reading (the anthropological book, Infections and Inequalities by Paul Farmer). Hopefully, I don't bore you all too much :-)

According to the medical anthropologist Paul Farmer, structural violence predominantly affects the world's socioeconomically poor. The structures of the modern society, divided between the "impoverished" and the "affluent," deny the large percentage of the world's population access to medical care--medical care that is disdainfully deemed to be cost-ineffective for the poor. As a result, the world's impoverished, as said by the theologian Pablo Richard, "are obliged to die in the silence of history" behind a blinding wall, dividing the rich and the poor.

In Infections and Inequalities: the Modern Plagues, Paul Farmer explains that this "wall" is ievident in the incorrect claims of infectious disease being "emerging" or "new," made when the world's rich are affected--although the poor, mostly confined to Least Developed Countries, have been and are still suffering in silence. Specifically, Farmer comments that the common statement of tuberculosis as "reemerging" due to renewed outbreaks in Europe and North America as "another reminder of the invisibility of the poor" who in places like Haiti, Africa, and South Asia have been the victims of tuberculosis--a disease that can be easily cured with the application of effective therapy that is inaccessible or rather, "cost-ineffective" for the poor. Due to poverty, the poor are limited in their desperate efforts to better their health--and are limited even in their own lives through the structural violence of societies.

Paul Farmer explains that "life choices are structured by racism, sexism, political violence, and grinding poverty" in On Suffering and Structural Violence: A View from Below. With the appalling stories of Acephie and Chouchou, he describes poverty, interlocked with structural violence, as the sole cause of their horrific deaths Structural violence is not caused by an individual's actions or will; instead, it is defined and structured by an individual's social status since his or her socioeconomic status limits his or her life. The silence in which the poor have to suffer, the inadequate access to medical care, the hunger, the suffering, and numerous deaths around the world are all effects of structural violence--a violence that could be prevented or assuaged if the affluent confront the social inequalities rather than arguing about "cultural differences."

I didn't try (or will) for interesting essay but rather an essay that clearly explains the points of Paul Farmer (I realize that most of you have never even heard of the book) but I simply wanted the grammar help of EssayForum and to know whether or not my essay is clear in terms of diction and syntax. Thanks~!
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Poetry / 6,142 Feet - a poem of less than 8 lines that "best represents me" [9]

The language is definitely "poetic" in a way but I would go for a rhythm. Read your poetry out-loud and rearrange words and change words from multisyllabic to monosyllabic ones to see if you can reach a rhythm that characterizes the uniqueness of your poem.

I like how your poem doesn't rhyme. Excessive rhyming can get boring very quickly.
Envie   
Jan 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "Dr. Martin's Lectures" -Essay about someone who has made an impact on your life [6]

Dr. Martin's Lectures
It was the Spring Break of 2008, and(Personally, I dislike expletives like "it is" or "it was" especially when people are trying to explain the time frame and in this case, I don't think informing the audience that it was Spring Break of 2008 is quite necessary. Starting the whole essay off with "I was in New Orleans, Louisiana" not only "hooks" the audience but refrains from telling too much that the audience wants to continue reading in order to find out more. THAT is the essence of a college essay; trying to lure the admission officer to keep reading and to find more special qualities about YOU I was in New Orleans, Louisiana. The city looked fantastic and the scars left by Hurricane Katrina were evident only to the keenest observerThe city lacked the chaotic debris of Hurricane Katrina but the scars were still there . During the six hour bus ride from Houston, I had learned of all the fantastic (you used 'fantastic' twice, in order to keep your essay fresh, avoid repetition of adjectives)thingsaspects(never "things"!)thatof New Orleans had to offer. I was told stories about: or -- the Bloody Mary's Tours, the National World War II Museum, and the beautiful Garden District. After hearing the excellent reviews, I was sure that I did not want to miss the culture, wonder, that the city affordedI did not want to miss the city's vibrant culture (I would avoid using the city as a subject in your phrases like "what the city offered" or "that the city afforded" in weakens your statements) .

Due to one man named Dr. Martin, my expectations concerning my future in the field of science were to undergounderwent a profound metamorphosis thanks to the knowledge of one man named Dr. Martin . During the symposium I had the fortunate experience of attending twoDr. Martin's lectures by Dr. Martin(this is personal preference, sorry) . His lecturesHe (watch out for the agents of your verbs) discussed the field of biomedical engineering, its impact in the world, and the job prospect of engineers. I was so excited that I nearly forgot why I was in The Big Easy in the first place. I was in New Orleans because I was fortunate enough to receive a free trip and transportation to a biomedical symposium hosted by the Association of Minority Health Professions Schools, Inc. I was to spend four fulfilling days learning about biomedical science and the various fields related to it and the health professions in general. I learned that when scientists and engineers devise technologies to improve health care, people everywhereeveryone can benefit from an improved quality of life. I intend to be a part of this revolution because the impact of biomedical engineering in health care, although controversial, is exciting and has the potential to greatly improve the world. The future of biomedical engineering is absolutely limitless. Dr. Martin's speeches were instrumental in helping me discover anmy interest in biomedical engineering that I keep with me to this day . His enlightening and passionate lectures had an everlasting impact on my life. Although I only knew him for a short time, I credit him for giving me direction in regards to my upper level academicsfuture focus in my education (?) . Thanks to Dr. Martin, I know exactly which undergraduate degree I wish to pursue.(You can blend in that sentence with the previous sentence...again, no repetitions) Upon leaving the symposium, I had a deep understanding and appreciation for the field of biomedical engineering, and an increased fervor for l learning about the discipline. I am forever indebted to the engineering professor who delivered those two life changing lectures that introduced me to a field that will shape my life in the future.


I truly enjoyed reading this essay! At times, I got lost because you repeat some ideas over and over which necessarily isn't bad but it often takes out "freshness" from your essay, meaning it can make the audience bored.

Overall, good job! Change some of the diction and rearrange some syntax to create more dynamic essay but the sentences especially, "He discussed at length the possibilities of the application of biomedical engineering in health care and the importance of engineering to society. He told me that biomedical engineering embodies the tenets of engineering and medicine by merging the problem solving skills and design aspects of engineering with the health sciences in order to improve health care" are really well written in terms of being specific. One of the problems that we--students--forget in our essays to college is specificity. Vagueness is a big No-No.

Good luck!
Envie   
Jan 17, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Toelf essay whether borrowing money from your friend is good or not. [5]

TOEFL! I remember that test :) I took it in seventh grade for a summer program.

As a test that is trying to gauge your level of competency in the English language, you shouldn't worry about the correctness of the essay or even "undertones" as said by Mustfa.

As EF Kevin and others outlined, focus on making your essay succinct and DEFENDED. Topic sentences as well as commentaries for your facts/CDs are important when trying to convey your opinion.

Have you taken the test yet...?
Envie   
Jan 17, 2010
Essays / Study abroad (personal statement / letter of intent) - starting ideas [9]

The typical answer (if that's what you wanted) would go along the lines of these "points":

-Understanding of the language as well as the culture (if you are going to U.K. for Oxford etc then you obviously can't be arguing that you want to learn the language)

-Your love to travel or your "dream" to study in a foreign country
-If it's like for London School of Economics, then you can talk specifically about that school and how much it can offer you (if you are majoring in Economics)

But I think those are cliched but I somehow doubt they are expecting fresh answers that are profound and impressive. Just express why you want to go there BEYOND "Oh, I would love to study in France because that totally sounds sophisticated and I want to eat bonbons and crepes and go to boums." Meaning, don't sound shallow.

Study Abroads are meant to be educational so write something that proves you want to LEARN rather than just have fun (although you definitely are!) I can't wait until I go to college and do study abroad...
Envie   
Jan 17, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]

So essays are soul-snorkling self-expression. That sounds right. I'm surprised students still think of an essay this way after we have turned it into a chore in education.

Essays are what most of the posters here defined as but I think most of us would agree in saying that such definition is reserved for a certain type of essays. Personally, I don't find certain essays "art." (for example, I forget the name but a type of an essay that requires CD and two commentaries...it requires no thought and only spouting of information)

For me, as I entered high school (even though my Freshmen year I had to do the aforementioned essay), essays and writing in general changed a lot. IN middle school, we are forced to follow certain formats that limit our ways of expression but in high school, especially in AP Language and AP Literature classes, the freedom really allowed essays to become "art."

Essays in their most basic form are means to relay information.

It's just how we do it that makes writing beautiful and enjoyable to read.
Envie   
Jan 17, 2010
Undergraduate / 'I had one opponent, I lost!' - person who has impacted you [3]

It's decent but to be honest, I personally would not want to submit an essay with this kind of subject. It's certainly different seeing most will be submitting essays about grandparents, role models, etc. At first, I thought Zoe would help you with the election, then later (when i found out she was your opponent) she would teach you how to lose gracefully by losing herself but it turned out the other way around, which was unexpected. MAINLY because you talk about how she didn't connect with the student body (but evidently, she did). What does that say about YOU? That you connect worse than someone YOU consider as an aloof, anti-social?

That should NOT be the message you are trying to convey.

If you still have the time, I would write a new one with a different approach and try to figure out who truly had an influence on you.

Good luck! If you shorten some sentences, make them clearer, and change some of your diction, the essay could work at 250 words.
Envie   
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / prove to my family and friends that I can succeed -UT Austin Transfer Essay [5]

[FRANK] None of the above. All three of them kind of labels you as "pathetic" (not being rude or anything) but the quotes of people saying that your younger siblings will always be better than you are a bit too revealing in way that's not very positive for the admissions officer. [/FRANK]

If you want to write an essay about trying to succeed, then that's perfectly fine. BUT don't even attempt to write an essay about proving yourself to others because that reveals to the college 1) You need people's approval 2) Your past achievements or the lack of are the cause of you being put down and you won't be much of an addition to the college community 3) pathetic.

You definitely need to avoid your "demonology"

Also, take a different approach; rather than COMPLAINING, explain how you would like to succeed. Don't dwell on people putting you down (or you failing) but rather on the fact that you keep your eyes on succeeding.

I mean, this is a transfer essay. A transfer essay should never read as if you are only trying to transfer for the "name" or for the "begging rights" or to "prove yourself" which are all the reasons you seem to be doing because you seem to equate success with this.

Idea 1, in my opinion, is the closest to what I would say acceptable but you definitely need to revise and improve on that idea.
Envie   
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / student ratio, business orientation, new heights - EMORY why emory? [7]

Personally, I think you should revise the last sentence. Asking a question like that doesn't match the overall tone of your essay. It's a weak (and unnecessary) addition to your already limited essay (only 250 words!) :(

Other than the occasional conversational diction, your essay is fine. As long as your other credentials are fine, Emory should be happy to have you.
Envie   
Jan 12, 2010
Poetry / 'siting in a dark room...' poem [9]

You grow into it. At first, I disliked it but I keep reading it and it's getting better every time I read it, ha-ha.

the "..."s kind of break off the whole poem though.
How about...?

sitting in a dark room--do not know why?
hearing them talking about me...he must be a spy--
I thought it is just a lie--a huge bald guy came into my room...
without saying Hi, he threw my passport and said--
it is time to say bye...I stood and said you must say bye--
otherwise, you will cry cry cry...

I don't know. Stylistic choices I guess but I felt (when I first read it) there were too many "..."s :-P
Envie   
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Bucknell Supp -- Why did I chose my major and Three Important Characteristics [5]

i agree and disagree a bit with "Envie" (his nickname is pretty suggestive, hahaha)

? En Vie means "In Life"...I guess I should have capitalized the "v" to avoid confusing people who think I "envy" people by criticizing their essays.

There's really no point in criticizing people's essays because you are jealous. That's some big (and incorrect) assumptions, right there.

So, basically your characteristic, "high-spirited," is being a "clown" (majoring in clowning)? Then, I don't really see how the beginning comes in. The beginning sentences certainly draws the audience in but some of the sentences like "cheering up the deaf" can be a bit offensive. The connection is hard to see simply because I don't see the humor. Over-kill.

En Vie
Envie   
Jan 11, 2010
Poetry / 'siting in a dark room...' poem [9]

Is the split between two speakers? The point of view shifts so I thought it's a combination of two people yet the division is not very clearly done. Sometimes, one whole line is seemingly one person.

Some silly spelling errors that you should always check for...I mean, you ARE a contributor...
Envie   
Jan 11, 2010
Scholarship / "the great gift of talent in English" - Gates Millenium Scholarship Essays [5]

I've been writing and rewriting this post for quite a number of times but here is the frank version:

You should NOT write about being such a great writer and having a "talent" in English with this essay. You say you try to add unique flair but there isn't any, at least not to my eyes that fell upon your essay. It's quite flat and rather boring (not to mention a bit ridiculous because of the subject matter)

You should probably write about a different topic.

As a rule, you generally don't submit an essay claiming how good you are writing essays especially when your essay can't back that up.

I'm sorry but good luck.
Envie   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / 'the Asian Supermarket' - Georgetown essay about YOU [5]

It's more a JAR rather than a BOTTLE of kimchi...that would be rather small. Also, you eat kimchi with your breakfast?

As for your essay, overall, you don't send any type of a message about YOU until the few end sentences. The whole beginning paragraph now seems irrelevant although you do cursorily mention things about cooking for others and supporting and loving each other.

Also, the little sentence about American individualism and Korean traditional duty does not really make sense. Personally, I think you can take out the whole anecdote of going grocery shopping with your dad. You can jump into a separate anecdote of service instead.

There are many unnecessary parts in your essay; you need to be more succinct and direct rather than going all over the place; at one moment, you are writing about chaotic household, the other laughter and love, the other about financial status of your family (not a good idea btw if you are going to present it the way you did), and then about service. I gather service is what you really want your essay to sing out about, but you mention so many possible anecdotes and things that your idea gets lost.

Good luck

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