Posts by Yoghurtlovely

Yoghurtlovely

Jan 16, 2010

Undergraduate / Brandeis Supplement, why brandeis? diff approach [5]

As I sat at my desk looking at this question, a lot was speeding through my mind. With all of the amazing colleges and universities out there, why would I want to go to Brandeis? Who in their right mind would want to go to Brandeis?

Omit all of this since it doesn't contribute to your answer in any way!

And the 'yuck' and 'psccht'...? Delete them! You have to sound confident int his essay! Show the school that you deserve to go there!

Actually...that doesn't sound that bad at all. Sign me up!

Not a good answer to your question fo why you want to go to Brandeis. Keep the part where you write about the good things about the school and write about how Brandeis would change you as a person and the benefits such an amazing institution could bring to you.

Yoghurtlovely

Jan 16, 2010

Writing Feedback / education at schools is necessary for all people, not just excellent students [3]

Especially, education at universities and colleges has played an important role when new era of technological advancement appears.

Could be sth like: In a new era of technological advancement, education at a higher level plays an increasingly important role.

Education at a higher level is necessary for all people, not just for excellent students because the main purpose of education is to provide students with knowledge and skills to adapt to the developing world.[/quote]

Education is an essential part of human's life when our society has more and more developed.
...part of a society that has become very developed.

There are many reasons.
omit this sentence!

Imagine if there were only good students at universities or colleges. This would lead to the serious lack of workforce in the future. This is easy to understand because only good students are trained and equipped with specialized knowledge. However, the large number of other people isn't, and that is why education is for everyone, not good students only.

The two arguments are a little vague. I know what you are trying to say, but you could express your ideas a little better.

Yoghurtlovely

Jan 16, 2010

Undergraduate / "people are more similar than different" - Whitman: diversity in DC [3]

The truth is I have not experienced much diversity in my life. Recently, though, my AP Government class and I visited Washington D.C. for a week, where we got to meet students all corners of America.

...in my life, but recently, my Ap Government class...

In many ways, we were all very simila, but at the same time, we were also noticeably diverse. In smaller groups, we discussed the history and politics of different issues or of the monuments and museums we had seen earlier that day. Usually, this would lead to debate. With many issues, there were conflicting morals and contrasting philosophies that would hinder universal agreement.

Why not talk mroe about personality differences and similarities? Did you have similar values? What kind of hidnering mroals were there? These are the things I'd like to hear more about! Briefly describe what you did, but elaborate on what you discovered.

Yoghurtlovely

Jan 16, 2010

Undergraduate / My father - Daniel - has had the largest impact on my life [6]

Both my parents have, and continue having an impact on my life, but my father, Daniel has had the largest ones.

Although both my parents have influenced me, it is my father, Daniel, who has influenced me the more. I'm not so sure about mentioning you dad's name. It sounds more like ifd he were your friend...

I suffer from various ailments, but the two of which that have really struck hard are Eczema and Acanthosis nigricans. In both conditions, my father has been there to support me; having an impact on my life.

Eczema is a very hard and strange disorder to take control of, . It's been a hard struggle thus my struggle has been a hard one.

Hmm...did your dad give you courage? Did you dad teach you to always be there for the loved ones? It sure is a great impact to you that your dad has always been there to support you. But how has all of this affected you? How ahs this changed the way you see things? I'd love to hear how your fathers's heartwarming consideration has changed you as a person because you wrote it in the first paragraph that you father has influenced you the most.

Yoghurtlovely

Jan 16, 2010

Undergraduate / Girls, Girls, Girls- Common Short Essay [21]

A funny, but rather informal and not so serious essay for a college essay. I think the topic is okay considering that you can show the admissions staff you personality, but write about the experiecne with this girl you met when you were thirteen in a more serious way. In the first paragraph, talk about how obsessed you are with girls in a more...serious way...be a little more emotional. Sorry to be harsh, but the first paragraph looks honestly like a mess.

This doesn't contribute to you essay in any way. I'd say Delete it!
You know, I'de simply copy and paste girl 249 times (not 250 times cuz like, I had to write it once first, right? and then if I pasted it 249 times I'de get 250 words. Smart, huh?) but copy-pasting so many times is damn painful. I mean, you have to hold Ctrl with your pinky and viciously punch V so many times...Its like finger-murder, okay?

Yoghurtlovely

Jan 16, 2010

Undergraduate / Personal statement-"My failure" [4]

My dreams of fulfilling my parents hopes
Your parents' dreams? Isn't it better to state that it's your own dream?

This is a good essay :) I like how you described what happened after you were rejected the scholarship. However, you could develope the first paragraph. As a reader, I'd like to hear more about how much that scholarship meant to you (and not your parents). Was it a big dream to get it? etc. The quote in the end of the first paragraph was great.

Yoghurtlovely

Jan 16, 2010

Undergraduate / "that missing part of my education" - Transfer Uconn Essay First Draft [3]

I would devote my time to work towards and to learn to maintain a healthy balance between a job and my academics.

I agree with yf8651. You talk about the distractions at your present university, but write more about what benefits for your major the unviersity you are transferring to could bring. How would you fill that missing part of your educaction? Develope the second paragraph.

Yoghurtlovely

Jan 13, 2010

Undergraduate / Wheaton College(MA) Essay-Why are you interested in Wheaton [3]

great essay! Just a few things: connections program. Do you mean connection program?

And:

The program alone has made me excited about Wheaton. It is easy to imagine how Wheaton will help me work out my potential through learning, reflecting and growing.

could be something like: I am very excited about the program at Wheaton and it will help me work out my potential through learning, reflecting and growing.

Yoghurtlovely

Jan 13, 2010

Undergraduate / "Swedish language, Facing the challenge" -My college essay, what do you think? [3]

Columbia University personal essay - a sense of who you are

Facing the challenge - the way to succeed

An experience from the past two and half years has taught me something that will be invaluable for me in the future. I have learned not to flee but to stay and face something that is unavoidable in life: challenges and difficulties.

Unlike my classmates, Swedish is not my mother tongue. It is in fact the third language I learned. I came to Stockholm when I was seven and for the first three years I attended an international school. When it was decided that my family and I were going to stay in Sweden permanently, I was thrown into a Swedish school.

During my first year at Enskilda Gymnasiet, the inadequacy in my Swedish proficiency started to become more and more noticeable. My first two essays from the course Swedish A were filled with dispositional and grammatical errors. They also lacked, as my teacher had called it, "a decent flow". By the end of the first term, I hated everything that had to do with Swedish because it screamed the words 'incompetent' and 'dumb' to me. In frustration, I tossed away my Swedish notebooks, but deep down inside, I kept asking myself 'am I having the right attitude?'

When spring came, I decided to give extra Swedish tuition a shot. Even though I was feeling pretty dejected, a part of me thought that it was time to do something. That spring, I buried myself in stacks of books and papers, and wrote one essay after another. As my second year in high school approached, I stood before two choices: I could either take the course native Swedish B or the course Swedish as a Second Language. Shall I challenge myself or shall I flee from the tough difficulties that faced me? My decision was the former one because I wanted to show myself that I could reach the native standard.

That fall, the first assignment in Swedish B was an analytical essay about a book my classmates and I had read that summer. I sat in front of my computer four nights in row writing and deleting until every sentence got perfect, and it was one of the best moments in my life when I got an A with a star on the assignment. This achievement gave me the encouragement I needed as I continued to fight for the highest grade in Swedish B. The biggest reward came in March when I was one the few who got an A on the mid-term grade report in the course.

I know now that the right way to tackle a difficulty is not to give up. If I face and work on it, I will make it. In the future, I will face more and bigger difficulties than what I am facing today. I may not succeed in dealing with them at first, but I will definitely not turn my back on them and just walk away. I will persist and improve until I succeed. As life continues, there will be plenty of frustration and tears, but if I have the right attitude, nothing is impossible. If practice makes perfection, then tenacity makes success.