badromance
Jul 23, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Can this sentence be improved by punctuation? [7]
i think you should use a semicolon instead of a comma.
i think you should use a semicolon instead of a comma.
badromance
Jan 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Experiences in improving health care to underserved populations [5]
thanks, i didn't catch that
thanks, i didn't catch that
badromance
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "an Indian senior in all-white school" - UT Transfer Statement of Purpose [4]
"As an Indian senior at a very competitive all-white high school" ..this statement seems pretty irrelevant to the rest of the essay.
The field of business has always piqued my interest and is the field that all the male members of my family have centered on in their occupations. My rationale for applying to Mccombs is based on its reputation , aggressive admission guidelines and challenging level of academics.
hope this helps. please edit my essays!
"As an Indian senior at a very competitive all-white high school" ..this statement seems pretty irrelevant to the rest of the essay.
The field of business has always piqued my interest and is the field that all the male members of my family have centered on in their occupations. My rationale for applying to Mccombs is based on its reputation , aggressive admission guidelines and challenging level of academics.
hope this helps. please edit my essays!
badromance
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / 'environmental science and planets' - St. Olaf Supplement-Why this college [3]
I was born in an isolated village in China.
As I grew older, I never stop searching for communities ...
Through my constant efforts , I am now studying in ...
After meeting different people with distinctive backgrounds and perspectives and benefiting from these interactions both academically and (...) a college with a broad scope. St. Olaf's c ommitment to world citizens ...
St. Olaf's strengths in environmental studies and dedication to sustainability are admirable .
I have been fascinated by projects like Environmental Science in ...
In St. Olaf, the learning experience will be especially enlightening ...
Environmental problems areneither something local nor regional. . Rather, they involve different aspects that are related to the whole planet. In this sense, studying and exploring the environmental problem with global perspectives are indispensable and exciting.
Environmentalists , as I perceive it, should contribute time and energy to the society and help build a better world. Thus, I hope to make my contributions to the St. Olaf Environmental Coalition (E.C.) through various environmental activities and advocacy. I plan to become a volunteer bike mechanic of the Green Machine Free Bike Program in E.C. I also hope to engage myself in many other activities and programs, from Spread the Hope to Oles for Life, to improve my maturity and global awareness. I desire to a global citizen of St. Olaf College soon.[/quote]
hope that helped. please edit my essays!
I was born in an isolated village in China.
As I grew older, I never stop searching for communities ...
Through my constant efforts , I am now studying in ...
After meeting different people with distinctive backgrounds and perspectives and benefiting from these interactions both academically and (...) a college with a broad scope. St. Olaf's c ommitment to world citizens ...
St. Olaf's strengths in environmental studies and dedication to sustainability are admirable .
I have been fascinated by projects like Environmental Science in ...
In St. Olaf, the learning experience will be especially enlightening ...
Environmental problems areneither something local nor regional. . Rather, they involve different aspects that are related to the whole planet. In this sense, studying and exploring the environmental problem with global perspectives are indispensable and exciting.
Environmentalists , as I perceive it, should contribute time and energy to the society and help build a better world. Thus, I hope to make my contributions to the St. Olaf Environmental Coalition (E.C.) through various environmental activities and advocacy. I plan to become a volunteer bike mechanic of the Green Machine Free Bike Program in E.C. I also hope to engage myself in many other activities and programs, from Spread the Hope to Oles for Life, to improve my maturity and global awareness. I desire to a global citizen of St. Olaf College soon.[/quote]
hope that helped. please edit my essays!
badromance
Jan 11, 2010
Book Reports / Arthur Miller's The Crucible - essay [6]
if you are writing the essay on a quote by Proctor, i think you should incorporate the quote in your introductory paragraph.
i think the quote you're analyzing is "A man may think God sleeps, but God sees everything" - Proctor.
i would put this quote in the introduction and state your thesis by saying.."Proctor is eventually punished for his infidelity. Arthur Miller thus shows that sin brings shame and desperation removes pride (your thesis)
this should all be in your introduction
if you are writing the essay on a quote by Proctor, i think you should incorporate the quote in your introductory paragraph.
i think the quote you're analyzing is "A man may think God sleeps, but God sees everything" - Proctor.
i would put this quote in the introduction and state your thesis by saying.."Proctor is eventually punished for his infidelity. Arthur Miller thus shows that sin brings shame and desperation removes pride (your thesis)
this should all be in your introduction
badromance
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / GMSP steps toward future ambitions [6]
you can click on my username and under "latest threads posted" my essays are listed
you can click on my username and under "latest threads posted" my essays are listed
badromance
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Wash U St. Louis - University Scholars Program in Medicine essay [5]
This is a great essay! I like how you utilize the example and tie it in to your conclusion discussing your interest in medicine!
please edit my essay if you get a chance!
This is a great essay! I like how you utilize the example and tie it in to your conclusion discussing your interest in medicine!
please edit my essay if you get a chance!
badromance
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / GMSP steps toward future ambitions [6]
I always imagine my future and I sometimes ask myself "when will it come?" It can be today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. I have innumerable ambitions that will better me as an individual. I know that my future goals seem distant, but I have high ambitions for myself. Being a positive person, never backing down, and achieving everything at all cost are the main reasons why I think I will be able to fulfill my future goals. Helmut Schmidt said that, "whoever wants to reach a distant goal must take small steps". I think the quote should be the very first sentence of your essay. I have a lot of short term goals that will contribute to my long term goal.
My first short term goal is to start being organize, and continue maintaining all A's and a G.P.A of 4.0. Another goal is complete my one hundred and twenty hours of work and community service. I currently need only ten more hours to complete this goal.Likewise, I hope to complete my post secondary program called seniors to sophomore program with honors. Correspondingly I aspire to become the president of PENSA, my church youth organization. Another goal is working towards receiving scholarships so I can afford my college education. My other short term goals are to obtain good grades during college in hopes of someday obtaining my bachelors degree. I also plan to acquire a job while going to college and also make myself known to the community where my school is by doing community services and internship at a hospital or an art studio. I want to major in pre-med is not a major, you may want to say "follow the pre-med track" and minor in art. I love to draw. I draw when I get bored or when I am don't use words like freaking out in, instead say art is your outlet for expressing yourself when you are having a bad day or just as a hobby or when I am sad. I want to intern in a medical field, during my freshmen year in college, so that I could get a head start in my long term goal. During my years in college, I plan on joining educational organizations or clubs that can help the community.
My last short term goal is related to my long term goal. I plan to major in nursing first and earn my Bachelors degree. Correspondingly -- you used this word twice, find a better word to replace it I hope to acquire a job as a nurse and then use the money I earn as a nurse to provide for myself through medical school to become a doctor and a cardiologist. My mother has heart issues but she has never had a heart attack. Her doctor says that part of her heart is swollen and any tension could trigger her to have heart attacks or die. My desire to become a cardiologist and a doctor is because I don't want people to go through what my mother is going through or worst. I want to help make the world be a better place. My other long term goal is to go back to my country Ghana and build a free clinic for them. People die everyday because they do not have money to go to hospitals. Doctors charge money from people without even thinking about the person first. For them, if a person does not have the money to pay for his or her self, they are not going to help the person. I want that kind of nonsense to cease. They are all people just like me and treating them as such does not feel right. -- You could replace this statment by saying , I would like to improve the condition of healthcare in Ghana, where doctors tend to think of their own best interests instead of their patients'.
My educational plans have always been related. To achieve the best I can was and has never always being enough. I strive for more than the best I can possibly do and obtain grades that I am proud of. I plan to study very hard and take all my courses serious in college and progress in life without forgetting the people who contributed to my success in life.
You tend to use a lot of simple sentences, and I think you could improve your essay by adding some complex sentences to make it easier to read/sound better. The highlighted red items are what I think you should replace in your essay.
hope it helps and please edit my essay
I always imagine my future and I sometimes ask myself "when will it come?" It can be today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. I have innumerable ambitions that will better me as an individual. I know that my future goals seem distant, but I have high ambitions for myself. Being a positive person, never backing down, and achieving everything at all cost are the main reasons why I think I will be able to fulfill my future goals. Helmut Schmidt said that, "whoever wants to reach a distant goal must take small steps". I think the quote should be the very first sentence of your essay. I have a lot of short term goals that will contribute to my long term goal.
My first short term goal is to start being organize, and continue maintaining all A's and a G.P.A of 4.0. Another goal is complete my one hundred and twenty hours of work and community service. I currently need only ten more hours to complete this goal.Likewise, I hope to complete my post secondary program called seniors to sophomore program with honors. Correspondingly I aspire to become the president of PENSA, my church youth organization. Another goal is working towards receiving scholarships so I can afford my college education. My other short term goals are to obtain good grades during college in hopes of someday obtaining my bachelors degree. I also plan to acquire a job while going to college and also make myself known to the community where my school is by doing community services and internship at a hospital or an art studio. I want to major in pre-med is not a major, you may want to say "follow the pre-med track" and minor in art. I love to draw. I draw when I get bored or when I am don't use words like freaking out in, instead say art is your outlet for expressing yourself when you are having a bad day or just as a hobby or when I am sad. I want to intern in a medical field, during my freshmen year in college, so that I could get a head start in my long term goal. During my years in college, I plan on joining educational organizations or clubs that can help the community.
My last short term goal is related to my long term goal. I plan to major in nursing first and earn my Bachelors degree. Correspondingly -- you used this word twice, find a better word to replace it I hope to acquire a job as a nurse and then use the money I earn as a nurse to provide for myself through medical school to become a doctor and a cardiologist. My mother has heart issues but she has never had a heart attack. Her doctor says that part of her heart is swollen and any tension could trigger her to have heart attacks or die. My desire to become a cardiologist and a doctor is because I don't want people to go through what my mother is going through or worst. I want to help make the world be a better place. My other long term goal is to go back to my country Ghana and build a free clinic for them. People die everyday because they do not have money to go to hospitals. Doctors charge money from people without even thinking about the person first. For them, if a person does not have the money to pay for his or her self, they are not going to help the person. I want that kind of nonsense to cease. They are all people just like me and treating them as such does not feel right. -- You could replace this statment by saying , I would like to improve the condition of healthcare in Ghana, where doctors tend to think of their own best interests instead of their patients'.
My educational plans have always been related. To achieve the best I can was and has never always being enough. I strive for more than the best I can possibly do and obtain grades that I am proud of. I plan to study very hard and take all my courses serious in college and progress in life without forgetting the people who contributed to my success in life.
You tend to use a lot of simple sentences, and I think you could improve your essay by adding some complex sentences to make it easier to read/sound better. The highlighted red items are what I think you should replace in your essay.
hope it helps and please edit my essay
badromance
Jan 8, 2010
Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]
to start an essay about yourself, start with a small anectode/story in your life that relates to the rest of the essay and tie it into the essay.
hope this helps.
to start an essay about yourself, start with a small anectode/story in your life that relates to the rest of the essay and tie it into the essay.
hope this helps.
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Experiences in improving health care to underserved populations [5]
this essay is for a summer program
As a young girl in India, I remember tagging along with my parents to rural villages in India. Due to the fact that adequate healthcare was lacking for the residents in these impoverished and marginalized areas, my parents would often participate in sponsoring health camps for these villages. The villagers relied mostly on farming as their source of income, were hardly able to afford quality healthcare, and some even lived in slums. Many of the patients were little children around my age, and suffered from pneumonia or other diseases caused by either lack of proper nourishment, exposure to pathogens, or by simply living in unhygienic environments. The patients who received care from my parents clearly received physical benefit from medical treatment. However, I also began to realize that ideal, effective medical care does not only consist of the improvement of patients' health. Rather, it should also entail thoughtful, attentive, and creative consideration of the other aspects of patients' lives, including the communities in which they live in, the level of support available to them, and their economic resources.
Drawing from my memories of these villages and its residents, I am an ardent believer of helping those that do not have access to health care or cannot afford it. By participating in a few health fairs in the South Asian Community during junior high school, I was able to witness the effects of individuals not receiving adequate healthcare. The patients that attended this fair were unable to pay for health insurance, and as a result had not visited a doctor since emigrating to the U.S. Many of the patients suffered from high cholesterol and severe atherosclerosis and, even worse, were unaware of it. Furthermore, they were uneducated in regard to the dangers of having these types of diseases. Many patients had not even received routine blood tests in years. Being a part of these health fairs opened my eyes to the grave risks involved to the lives of those who are not provided with sufficient and reasonably priced health care.
My experiences have led me to deem that it is a responsibility for everyone associated with the health care field to extend quality health care to those who need it, regardless of background, financial status, etc. Healthcare, afterall, is an essential human right. As an aspiring physician, I strongly aim to provide satisfactory health care to people in rural villages in India, similar to the ones I remember visiting as child, as well as the underserved populations in the U.S. I also wish to establish facilities for these types of communities in India so that populations in villages are able to live healthful and quality lives.
this essay is for a summer program
As a young girl in India, I remember tagging along with my parents to rural villages in India. Due to the fact that adequate healthcare was lacking for the residents in these impoverished and marginalized areas, my parents would often participate in sponsoring health camps for these villages. The villagers relied mostly on farming as their source of income, were hardly able to afford quality healthcare, and some even lived in slums. Many of the patients were little children around my age, and suffered from pneumonia or other diseases caused by either lack of proper nourishment, exposure to pathogens, or by simply living in unhygienic environments. The patients who received care from my parents clearly received physical benefit from medical treatment. However, I also began to realize that ideal, effective medical care does not only consist of the improvement of patients' health. Rather, it should also entail thoughtful, attentive, and creative consideration of the other aspects of patients' lives, including the communities in which they live in, the level of support available to them, and their economic resources.
Drawing from my memories of these villages and its residents, I am an ardent believer of helping those that do not have access to health care or cannot afford it. By participating in a few health fairs in the South Asian Community during junior high school, I was able to witness the effects of individuals not receiving adequate healthcare. The patients that attended this fair were unable to pay for health insurance, and as a result had not visited a doctor since emigrating to the U.S. Many of the patients suffered from high cholesterol and severe atherosclerosis and, even worse, were unaware of it. Furthermore, they were uneducated in regard to the dangers of having these types of diseases. Many patients had not even received routine blood tests in years. Being a part of these health fairs opened my eyes to the grave risks involved to the lives of those who are not provided with sufficient and reasonably priced health care.
My experiences have led me to deem that it is a responsibility for everyone associated with the health care field to extend quality health care to those who need it, regardless of background, financial status, etc. Healthcare, afterall, is an essential human right. As an aspiring physician, I strongly aim to provide satisfactory health care to people in rural villages in India, similar to the ones I remember visiting as child, as well as the underserved populations in the U.S. I also wish to establish facilities for these types of communities in India so that populations in villages are able to live healthful and quality lives.
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "the quick pace of life" University of Washington, Diverse Community Short Essay [4]
I agree with the others that the intro is kind of unecessary. The rest of the essay seems to work though, it flows well and I like how you relate the whole story to your personality and goals in the conclusion.
I agree with the others that the intro is kind of unecessary. The rest of the essay seems to work though, it flows well and I like how you relate the whole story to your personality and goals in the conclusion.
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton College Short Answer -favorite subject, career, interest, book, teacher [9]
I don't see any flaws.
Except, I would probably correct:
She nominated me as honorary student in English in the last question
I don't see any flaws.
Except, I would probably correct:
She nominated me as honorary student in English in the last question
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Book Reports / The Picture of Dorian Gray, Brown Supplement- A book that has influenced you [2]
Great Essay! I like how you sum up everything so concisely in the conclusion.
Great Essay! I like how you sum up everything so concisely in the conclusion.
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]
essays are a piece of prose that can be used for a variety of things. they can either:
- serve to explain a given topic/explanatory or informative purposes
- state an opinion
- describe an experience
- persuade someone to believe something
and many more reasons we use essays to convey messages
essays are a piece of prose that can be used for a variety of things. they can either:
- serve to explain a given topic/explanatory or informative purposes
- state an opinion
- describe an experience
- persuade someone to believe something
and many more reasons we use essays to convey messages
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Grammar, Usage / 'we were able to come together to form a mock government' - Two Funky / Awkward sentences [7]
The 2500 of us in the program may be mere teenagers, but we were able to come together to form a mock government with a united voice despite our diverse range of opinions and ideas.
merely is an adverb so it describes mainly verbs, i think mere is a good replacement.
The 2500 of us in the program may be mere teenagers, but we were able to come together to form a mock government with a united voice despite our diverse range of opinions and ideas.
merely is an adverb so it describes mainly verbs, i think mere is a good replacement.
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Grammar, Usage / Whats a word that means "Big or small"? [7]
could you clarify the context?
if you want a word that describes something as big or small but you don't know if it's big or small maybe it's ambiguous? - that could be the word.
again, context would help.
could you clarify the context?
if you want a word that describes something as big or small but you don't know if it's big or small maybe it's ambiguous? - that could be the word.
again, context would help.
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Scholarship / Gates Scholarship-An Unfair Experience [7]
You should conclude by emphasizing what the experience says about you, as in you believe in being fair and just and don't take victory for granted. Don't just say "I will never forget that experience." Your conclusion should be stronger.
You should conclude by emphasizing what the experience says about you, as in you believe in being fair and just and don't take victory for granted. Don't just say "I will never forget that experience." Your conclusion should be stronger.
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU SUPP- 2050 MOVIE(Indian School)// SYRACUSE SUPP- Diversity of Options [5]
I liked the way you ended by saying "Syracuse is a port opened to many different boats."
I liked the way you ended by saying "Syracuse is a port opened to many different boats."
badromance
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Working with three hundred strangers in the village of Montalban- common app [8]
This is a really good essay.
I agree with others, as you should conclude by emhasizing more on what you learned (not taking necessities for granted, etc) and how that changed you as a person and how you applied what you learned from that experience in your own life.
hope this helps!
This is a really good essay.
I agree with others, as you should conclude by emhasizing more on what you learned (not taking necessities for granted, etc) and how that changed you as a person and how you applied what you learned from that experience in your own life.
hope this helps!
