Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]

"An intercountry and foreign adoption issue unaware of hidden problems psychological affects agency failure to reveal information can be disruptive in the relationship to adoptive parents. (This is very confusing. Rewrite it to clarify; perhaps something such as, "Failing to reveal information regarding psychological issues of foreign adopted children can cause disruption in the relationships between adopted children and their adoptive parents.") "Cases like those are extreme, but clinicians who specialize in treating foreign orphans say they are seeing more parents who are overwhelmed by their adopted children's unexpected emotional and behavioral problems, (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25). Adoption agency seeks and provides a home for many displaced wounded children and happiness for adoptive parents gain hope (This is very confusing. Perhaps rewrite to something like, "Adoption agencies seek and provides homes for many displaced and wounded children. Because of this, adoptive parents gain hope." What does this have to do with the undiagnosed psychological problems of foreign adoption candidates?) . Adoptive parents sometimes don't (No contractions! "Do not..." realize what they get (Change to "have gotten.") into when they legalized an adoption and that adoptee's behavior results from (Change to "in".) trauma, mistreatment, malnutrition and institutionalization from overseas (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25). Are you referring to symptoms of the child's undiagnosed mental disorder(s) or results of the frustrated adoptive parent's actions?Agency fulfilled dreams for adoptive parents who gain hope for raising a child, completes a responsible family unit(How is this relevant to the adopted child's undiagnosed mental issues?) . Sometimes adoptive families have problems with (Remove) connecting with children. Now it becomes a financial hardship for adoptive parents to connect with adoptee when they invest their time with psychologist. (This is a brand new idea that is left hanging without any substance because you have not written anything previous about this topic. Either add more to it to strengthen this statement, or remove it. As it stands it is an incomplete thought resulting in an uncomplete paragraph.

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In addition a child's behavioral problem becomes (Change to "causes") a major impact on family's (Change to "family" life as it did for (change to "in") Mrs. Hilt's case in (Change to "when") adopting Nina at nine months. In the Newsweek article, "When Adoption Goes Wrong," by Wingert, Pat reports,(Check your required citation style for citing article titles in text. Also, we do not list last names before first when citing in text. This citation should look something like, "...When Adoption Goes Wrong, Pat Wingert reports that Mrs. Hilt...") Mrs. Hilt tried to connect with 2-year Nina, whom was very aggressive and reluctant to affection, (Insert "and") had been a struggle. Nina had violent tantrums and destroyed furniture when Mrs. Hilt was not watching. During Nina's presents (? I'm not sure what you mean here; tantrums? Episodes? Fits?) in Mrs. Hilts frustrations and impatient with Nina's antics has lead her in deep depression as she started drinking that she would never thought or imagine she would do in her entire life. Her depression was dormant from her marriage and outside world. One day Nina was unbearable to handle when Mrs. Hilt could not take it anymore with this uncontrollable rage she had toward Nina's behavior. From this statement, "She grabbed Nina around the neck, shook her and then dropped her to the floor, where she kicked her repeatedly before dragging her up to her room, punching her as they went." Mrs. Hilt does the unthinkable never to hit a child before now that she is punished for innocent Nina deaths before Nina reach the hospital. Now Mrs. Hilt is serving a 19-year sentence in Virginia maximum-security prison (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, Issue 25). (Since this seems to be a direct quote, all of it should be in either quotes or block text, depending on your citation style requirements.)

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Teens psychological effects experience strong impulses for searching biological parents because they want to learn their identity and genetic origin not necessarily problems with adoptive parents. (This is confusing; reword for clarity. Something like, "Teens experience strong impulses to find their biological parents. They want to learn their identity and genetic origin." Then you need to cite a source.) Teens want to know who they are and where they came from originally (Change to "biologically".) . So (Remove, start the sentence with "They".) need answers to puzzling questions. Sometimes teens will feel rejection all over again from their biological parents who don't wish to be responsible for their lives. Kenneth Kirby, Ph.D. from the Department of Clinical Psychiatry at North western University School of Medicine in Chicago discovers that "...t eens do better when their parents understand their curiosity about their genetic history and allow them to express their grief, anger and fear (adoption.about/od/searchandreunion 4/19/2008)."

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Adoptive parent's doubts themselves being a good parent to adoptee teens when behavior issues disrupts their relationship. (This is very confusing. Rewrite for clarity; "Adoptive parents, like biological parents, doubt their parenting abilities when faced with difficult teenage behavior.") Only because teens experience this strong urge feeling (Choose one of these adjectives, do not use both.) to learn about their genetic origin background (Use one of these adjectives, not both.) . Adoptive parents are concerned to overcome such behavioral problems (Is curiosity a behavioral problem? If so, cite your source.) after raising adoptee teens since they were babies. Adoptive parents invest more in (Add "the")Behavior Health Care Facilities (These are not proper nouns, therefore they do not need capitalization.) part of health care systems to find answers to how they can help their adopted teens. Teen' (Remove) s rebellious behavior can escalate,for (Change to "resulting in" them to take (Change to "taking") a journey in search of (Change "to find") their biological parents. All that Adoptive (This is not a proper noun, therefore does not need capitalization.) parents can do is (Remove)remaining (Change to "remain") supportive to their adopted teen' (Remove) s wishes. They can't (No contractions! "...cannot...") hold them back for (Change to "from") their journey. As long as the teens know how much their adoptive parents love them." (This is an incomplete sentence; we know the "who" but not the "what". What results from the children knowing their parents love them?

I am concerned because there are no strong connections between any of the ideas presented here. Each paragraph seems to be a mini-essay of its own; there really aren't any transitions tying all of your thoughts together. Also, I still did not see any relation to the text The Giver, except in the very first sentence. Find a way to relate your ideas to the text and tie it all up so that it is one essay, rather than several small individual ones.

I hope this helps you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]

"For many years, intercountry adoption disputes cause controversies about social issues and policies.I ncreases in the severity of inequalities against racial adoption (Finish this sentence; "...are on the rise." etc. Cite your research to back this statement up.) . For many years, minorities have been in the center of controversies about racial tension as well as debates in the state system from public and private adoption agencies. The argument against racial tension should not matter in adoption in America as Miss Quiroz, Pamela (Is this person's name Miss Pamela Quiroz? If so, she should be referred to as "Pamela Quiroz". In this context the proper citation is "...Pamela Quiroz quoted Perry in..." quoted Perry in 1994 in her article, "Color-blind Individualism, Intercountry Adoption and Public Policy," (Check with your required reference citation style to find the correct format to cite articles.)She argues, "the adoption arena's version of color-blind discourse, argues that race should not matter in adoption; and individual rights should be exercised without the interference of the state (Bartholet 1991; Kennedy 2003; Mahoney 1991) (58)." (See my earlier quote regarding periods, ellipses, and quotation marks.) The argument here, how are these children living without parents now that they have been placed in an adoptive f amily (Remove "family") homes once they become orphans without parents (Remove as it is redundant; finish your sentence. What about this argument?) . These innocent children lives (Change to "The lives of these innocent children...") are played with by the state, whom needs authoritive figures and guidance in their lives (The state officials or the children? I am confunsed.) , so state discriminate against these adoptee children without families (Do they not have any family at all, or just no biological family? Are they orphans in an institution? I'm confused.) because of their race, adoption is the only way for their security (Are these children, because of their race, at some extenuating risk that other children are not in? If so, this needs to be explained.) . The congress (This is a proper noun, therefore it needs to be capitalized. "Congress".) enforces a law that will accept intercountry adoption to avoid against (This is another double negative. Think about it-the law avoids against racial discrimination, meaning it stays away from not discriminating? I don't think this is what you mean to say. I believe what you are meaning to say is "...to avoid racial discrimination..." or "...intercountry adoption to guard against...") racial discrimination adoptions in this quote,(Change to a colon.) "Individual agency, a component of color-blind ideology, is critical to participants in private and independent adoption, and in the 1990s Congress passed laws to support color-blind adoption practice (Quiroz, Pamela 58)." (See my earlier note regarding ellipses, periods, and quotation marks.)

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Barriers that happen with closed adoption versus open adoption from all types of overseas, interstate adoption, biological parents miss for many years have concerns their children's upbringing, so they breach their contract with adoptive parents. (This is confusing. How about rewriting to something like, "There are barriers to closed and open adoptions. In both overseas and interstate adoptions biological parents may still become concerned over their child's upbringing, resulting in them breaching their contract with the adoptive parents.") Boundaries need to be set for biological parent' (Remove) s, restricted (Change to "restricting" and add "them") from any contact (Add "with the child or the adoptive parents) . I absolutely disagree with the biological parent who disrupts the raising of their child that's being raised (Remove due to redundancy.) in the happy home of adoptive parents. Avoiding any confusion for (Change to "is in the") best interest of adopted children, once their biological parents have made their decision from (Change to "to")separating (Change to "separate") from their child's life, (Change to a period.they (Capitalize, "They".) should not fight for their involvement, especially at early age from infancy to16 (Rewrite to something like, "...especially between the ages of infancy to 16.") . Adoption becomes disclosed without any information given to thechildren (Change to "child".)if (Remove) when it's (No contractions! This should be "...when it becomes necessary...") for a child's protection. Protection for children's safety is (Change to "has" add "a") major impact for (Change to "on") their dear life. Court orders for unfit biological parents serve a sentence or rehabilitation becomes a fact of life. (I am not sure what any of these last sentences have to do with the paragraph they are attached to. Tie this up better, make it relevant to the beginning of the paragraph, or begin another paragraph specifically for these last four sentences or so.

Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]

"Irresponsible biological parents don't deserve to raise children. Biological parents either gave up their child because of the financial burden (or?) . Biological parent's substances addiction is no life for raising a child. Biological parents' responsibilities become overwhelming in supporting their own children. Biological parent decision to adopt their child becomes a reality for their separation children from biological parents. (This is very fragmented and is difficult to understand. If you are making a list, seperate each item in the list with a comma. For example, "...because of financial burdens, substance addictions, or because they find parental responsibilities too overwhelming." If you do not present it to your reader like this, they wonder where all of this information is coming from and why it is important to your essay.)A child needs a better life then the life that their biological parents can provide for them, so adoption becomes a choice (Be careful-this statement says that all biological parents are unfit, and that adoption is the only choice for children to be successfully raised. If this is the stance you are taking, you had better have a lot of hard research cited to back it up. If not, you need to specify that children coming from unfit homes are better off in adoptive homes, and still back it up with research. . When adoption doesn't become (Change to "is not") a choice, child protective services canstep in to evaluate the family unit necessity for the best interest for the child or children safety (What does this have to do with adoption?) . Child neglecting ("neglect") , abandonment, striking a child ("or physical abuse")has (gets) the attention of social workers to provide a better home for these wounded children What does this have to do with adoption? The Giver? . Irresponsible biological parents, psychologically reject their own children and siblings (They reject their own children as well as the parents' brothers and sisters? Is this what you mean? I am confused.) when they abandon them at their own free well (Change to "will". This statement does not seem to tie into anything else you have been talking about.) . Irresponsible biological parents have addiction problems and children face abused (Change to "abuse") , abandonment and neglection (Change to "other forms of neglect.") . When child's rights are violated, any access to biological parents' records becomes closed for the protection of children and siblings (What does this have to do with adoption or the assigned text?) .

Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]

OK, 2nd part:

Are you writing this piece from the adoptive parents' point of view, or are you taking a stance on whether adoption is a good choice or not? I'm a little confused as to the stance you are taking so far.

"One leads to adoption because biological parents are deceased, unable to provide financial security, and complete family fulfillment due to infertility. (Remove this as is it redundant-you used this exact wording in the above paragraph.)Them ajority of children and siblings experience grief and loss of biological parents become decease due to an accidental death or in warfront. (I'm not sure what this has to do with the rest of your essay; if you are going to use statistics to make a point, cite a source. If that's not what you're doing here, consider rewriting it for clarity or removing it altogether.) Adoptees experience a loss of family's love, security, and affection (If the child is adopted, why would they be feeling these things?) is a (Remove) very difficult for any children and siblings (Is this necessary, or does "children" adequately cover your subject?) . Biological parents in the early trimesters of pregnancy experience an overwhelming financial strain, especially when a partner leaves the relationship. When the partner leaves the relationship, the non-working mother is left no choice but to adopt their child for providing a better life for them Is this a fact, or an opinion?) . Adopting a child completes the family unit and dreams for couples, who become Adoptive Parents (These are not proper nouns, therefore do not need to be capitalized.) . Infertility affects couples at some time during their reproductive lives (Really? This affects every couple? Cite your source for this information.) . Couples have chosen another way to accomplish their dreams of becoming responsible for displaced children. When infertility treatments don't work or couples don't want to take risk, adoption is important to complete their dreams of happiness while raising an adopted child in a nurturing environment."

I'm a little bit concerned because I thought you were supposed to be relating this essay to The Giver. I saw that only in the very beginning when you were introducing your topic. Also, I'm still not clear as to what your thesis is.

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"The impact on birthmother's psychological affects them for life giving up a child in strangers hands is difficult decision for any mother separation from bonding with her child after birth. (This is a bit too wordy; how about rewriting it to something such as, "The psychological effects on birthmothers of adoption are life-changing. Placing the child that they have bonded with into a stranger's hands effects them very deeply on many levels." Then back this statement up by citing your source for it.) Biological mothers wonder if they can become a good mother while they had their chance, but under circumstances, they had no choice but to give up their child for adoption. (How about, "...would have been good mothers when they had the chance, had they not been forced to give up their child.") In Maureen O'Brien's novel, B-Novel(Refer to your required citation style to see how this book title should be cited. Some formats call for underlining of printed books, others for italics; check your format to make sure you are doing this correctly.) , Hillary Birdsong experience in her dysfunctional family was neglected without any affection (...neglect and little affection.) . At the age of 16 Hillary, who cries out for attention, turns wild and begins to hang out with boys and disobey her household rules. "She met a boy from New York City, vacations in her small town, this boy gives Hillary the attentions she craves (Priff, Nancy, 219-222)." When she found that she was pregnant and mentionsit to the boy from New York, he left (leaves) the relationship. For so long her secret was no longer a secret when abortion was too late, she informs her parents of her pregnancy (This is confusing; was she able to hide it for a long time or not? If no, the sentence should be "Unable to keep her secret a secret for long, she told her family." If she was, it should be "Past the possibility of abortion, Hillary hid her secret as long as she could. Finally, she had to tell her family.") . Her parents didn't want nothing (This is a double negative. Think about it-if they did not want nothing to do with it, that means they did want something to do with it. I do not think this is what you are meaning to say; therefore, the sentence should be "Her parents did not want anything to do with the pregnancy." Also, refrain from using contractions in academic work. to do with her having a baby because of the shame it would bring them. "The whole town is going to think our daughter is a whore. She's making our family look like trash (Priff, Nancy, 219-222)." (Make sure your quotation marks are at the end of the quoted statement, followed by your citation and then the period on the outside of the final ellipse.) Hillary realized there's (...there is, or in this case it should be "there was"...) no way for her to support her baby with her income, (Change to a period.)A lthough she feels strongly in (Change to "about") keeping her baby, she agrees to go to La Rosaria, and place her baby up for adoption. Every year the adoptive parents give Hillary pictures while raising her child in their loving family home (Chose one of these adjectives, but do not use both.) ."

Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]

You have a very thorough essay! Good job!

"Family units in the novel, The Giver, are determined by two important roles: the assigned family units depending on birthmothers and Nurturers. Babies are taken by the birthmothers without any rights of involvement in raising a baby. Birthmother's job task is completed in 9 months; the baby is then given to the Nurturers. The Nurturers raised the babies until they become grown teens. The committee of Elders who displaced babies from birthmothers to nurturers provides rules to follow. Children in this controlled community learned that birthmothers brought them into this world and were curious, asking,"W here did I come from?" They could easily find out on their own by going to the Hall of Records, but the committee of Elders felt this would cause problems in the community. The Elders committee felt the fewer problems they faced the more easily the perfect community would live peacefully and happy, without high rate of divorces, behavioral, and legal issues families experience.in relationships(Remove this) . Without love and passion between couples and family units are created the less problems could ariseHow about, "Without love and passion between couples and family united, this peace could be disrupted." . In today's world, love and passion does exist and families are naturally created by biological parents leading reproductive lives . Some couples who love one another don't have the same privilege as a natural parent change to "natural parents". "One leads to" remove this and insert a semicolon. adoption is an option for them because biological parents are deceased, unable to provide financial security, and complete family fulfillment due to infertility. Coup (This statement is contradictory; rewrite or remove.) . Couples become the Nurturers in giving safe, secure life for children who become displaced from their biological parent, the birthmother. Different types of adoptions are cultural, foreign and internationally has exacerbated in USA (This statement is confusing; I'm not really sure what you are trying to say here. Perhaps, "Other types of adoptions are cultural; foreign and international adoptions have grown in the USA." If this is the case, please explain why this is cultural rather than one of the circumstances you listed earlier . The effects of adoption on children and parents (both adoptive and birth) can be generally experienced behavioral issues. Otherwise the adoptee who becomes a teenager curiosity will have strived for searching their genetic origin (How about, "Oftentimes the teenaged adoptee will become curious and begin searching for his/her genetic origin.") . Adoptive parents will have to be supportive when their adopted teens learn of their genetic background, and that the adoptive parent is not their biological parent. Adoptive parents should be required to inform children that they're (Change to "they are"; refrain from using contractions in academic writing.) not their biological parent, adopted children should be allowed access to their biological parents if should they be (Change to "they are") available and willing."

Because this is such a long essay I will have to post it in several pieces. More will follow in a few!

Poetry / Could somebody read my poetry analysis essay and tell me if it's good? [5]

Good afternoon!

To lengthen this analysis, perhaps you could expand on your interpretation of this poet's word choice. Why do you think he chose the adjectives/adverbs that he did? If he had used others, would the poem still convey the same meaning and feeling? Evaluate his word choice and critique it; let your reader know your stance.

How about rhyme and meter? There is very little rhyme in this poem; what is the significance of that? What about meter? Does it change throughout the poem? If it does, what is the significance of that?

What about the use of capitalization in regards to the stanzas? Does capitalization or non-capitalization at the beginning of the lines hold any significance to the work?

As far as the ending, I have a different interpretation it seems than you. All throughout the beginning of the poem, the author stresses the father's patience and love for his son; it seems to be unconditional, and it has happened in the past. It seems the poet changes tense, and at the end is writing about the present. Will this author give his father the same unconditional love that his father gave him as a child? Is this a metaphor for the circle of life, in that when we grow old we revert to a childlike state?

This is a very powerful poem, and I think if you spend a little more time with your personal interpretation of it you will have no problem expanding it to the length you need.

I hope this helps you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Abortion and same-sex marriage [2]

Good evening!

What kind of assistance are you in need of? Please let me know so that I can help you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Proving Dracula is a monster... [2]

Good evening!

I think this is a good essay; you are exploring the different aspects that make Dracula a monster. You cite your sources well, and give critical analysis to their findings. The only thing that stands out to me is the paragraph on 9/11 and terrorism. I'm not sure what this has to do with the rest of your essay. If this is something that you really want to put in your essay, you will need to lay the foundation for it at the beginning of your essay, perhaps even as part of your thesis statement. If you are not going to tie it in anywhere else further along the essay, go ahead and remove it.

I would also interject more of your input into the essay. The main part of critical analysis is your judgement of the other opinions. Do you agree with Martinez, Meretoja and Carroll? That kind of evaluation will give this essay the backbone you are looking for.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / How to start an essay "why do people attend college or university?" [7]

Good morning!

You are welcome; I can post the introductory paragraph to an essay that I wrote for a comparative literature class. I don't know if it will help you in your particular subject area, but you can see how one looks.

"The illusion of power drives men to do many things. It causes them to go mad, to destroy, and to distrust. In Crime and Punishment, Raskolnikov does all this in his quest to become an Übermensch and seize the power he believes he deserves.

The Übermensch Theory is a concept created by Nietzsche based on the idea that traditional values represented by Christianity are useless, summed up in his statement, "God is dead". Nietzsche contended that this set of ideals created a "slave morality," embodied by weak and spiteful people who encouraged kindness and goodwill only because it served their own selfish interests. According to this theory, this set of values would be overtaken by a new set, which he called the Übermensch, or Übermensch values. An Übermensch, which when literally translated means "Overman", or "Superman", would be secure, independent, and individualistic. He would be passionate yet controlled, and concentrate on the "real" world rather than the heavens promised by God. The Übermensch accepts pain and suffering because these emotions are part of the whole human existence, and he is the creator of a "master morality", which shows strength and independence from all values except those he himself has decided are of worth ("Who Killed God?"). Nietzsche believed all human behavior is propelled by the want of power, good or bad. In the good sense, this power is used to control oneself, which is required for creativeness. This is illustrated in the Übermensch's originality and creativity ("Friedrich Nietzsche"). This motivation propels Raskolnikov in all his movements throughout Crime and Punishment."

My essay length needed to be 10-12 pages, so I had six main pillars, and each had three to four supporting details or facts from the text. Depending on your length requirements, you may need more or less than that. This snippet is my thesis statement and my introductory paragraph.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Critical Essay on Developmental Psych. in Infants [2]

Good morning!

When we write critical essays, we are judging or evaluating a specific work or idea. Your essay is more of an introductory or explanatory essay; you are explaining to your readers each facet of the stages of sensorimotor development. If you need to write a critical essay on this topic, it may be more appropriate for you to pick a work by a prominent doctor in this field and write your paper. You could use the same topic as sensorimotor development and evaluate a method which is used as a standard for recognizing normal or abnormal development. You could apply a theory of development towards this baby, Tom, and explain why he is or is not developing according to that specific theory, and then evaluate whether or not this specific theory is an appropriate benchmark for this specific case. These types of analysis are what your instructors are looking for when they assign a critical review; your stance on an idea or piece of literature.

For examples of critical essays, you can conduct a search online using a keyword such as 'critical essays' in conjunction with a keyword from your subject area, such as 'sensorimotor development'.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on the result of poverty [2]

"At the end of the 20th centery (century), the Mongolian political and economic system completely changed to the democratical (a democratic) system; then, many people fired from their job, which they didn't work for themselves. (Rewrite to something like, "...as a result, many people were fired from their jobs because they did not work for themselves.") Consequently, there are several results of poverty in Mongolia, which are orphans, unemployment, and corruption. "...such as orphans, unemployment, and corruption."

First of all, one (Remove, start the sentence with "One..." of the biggest results of the poverty in Mongolia is the orphan who unwanted child in their family and live in the street ("...are the orphans who live in the street." . In fact, there are many impoverished people who get married and give birth a child. However, they don't have enough money to treat their child as well as the other people, so they leave their child in the street with nothing. Unfortunately, now this problem is beginning to become human traffic. Because day by day, the number of orphans is getting smaller than before.

Secondly, every country has unemployments (unemployment) , but in my country there are the older generationsof people who can't be hired for some positions even though they have enough experience and ability of job ("job skills") . Because many companies that have available postion for job; however, they all prefer to work with young people , no matter if they have ability or experience or not. That is why the older generation is becoming poor. (Rewrite to something like, "Many companies have available positions, but prefer to hire younger employees, whether they are skilled or not. Because of this, the employment rate of older generations is raising, and their economic situation is worsening.") Finally, the corruption of my country was resulted in poverty. For example, almost everywhere when people get a job or do something, we need to pay more. It is visible, people have already become accustomed to corruption because the poverty is influenced to people corrupt to each other." The relationship between corruption and povery needs to be more pronounced here if you are going to use this in your essay; use examples to do this.

I hope this helps!

Essays / How to start an essay "why do people attend college or university?" [7]

Good afternoon!

I find that creating an outline helps me get started. Decide three or four main topics that you definately want to expand on in your essay. Think of these as your pillars, the columns that are going to be the main supports of your essay. Once you have those, think of at least one supporting fact and detail about each of those pillars. Depending on the required length of your essay, you can add more of these if you so choose. Also, remember to add an introduction and closing paragraph.

Sometimes it works best to start in the middle and work your way out, leaving the introduction and closing for last.
I hope this helps you get started!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / ESSAY ABOUT YOURSELF (ideas, sentences, phrases) [7]

AMAZING! AWESOME! GREAT WORK! You must feel fantastic!
I can't wait to see your new project. Post it here as soon as you're ready!

Essays / the Arthurian legend - critical analysis [2]

Good evening!

Just to clarify, are you to analyze illustrations of the story or different versions of the text throughout these time periods?

When we analyze a text, we are trying to look at it from a certain point of view. Psychoanalytic, constructionist, deconstructionist, and feminist are all examples of literary criticisms; there are numerous others out there. If your instructor wants to you pay attention to certain themes such as context or the importance of color, perhaps you should start off by seeing if there are any obvious connections there. Take the tale in all three instances and see if these things are consistent throughout each tale.

You could start your research by doing an internet search using keywords such as "the Arthurian legend" and "color" or "critical analysis". This should get you started with some ideas for further research. It may also help to choose a specific critical analysis and try to apply it to the text.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Could somebody read my poetry analysis essay and tell me if it's good? [5]

Yes, this is where you would post it! Go ahead!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How to say sorry Essay for English? [5]

I think that you do provide readers with some good insight into respect with regards to each other, and that apologizing does show respect for the other person. The essay does make sense to me, and I do think it is good; it is organized well and you use good descriptions to further illustrate your positions. It shows maturity and good manners. As far as "valenty", the word "gallantry" is a good synonym for courage. The more you use your keyboard the more familiar you will become with it!

Essays / Whole-to-whole or Part-to-part structure - "Two people you know"; comparison and contrast Paragraph [8]

Well, the example you give does not show that she is generous; on the contrary, it shows that she is a busybody. If you wanted to use an example showing her being generous, how about the fact that she works seven days a week? Is she generous that she spends so much of her time earning money for her family? Or, you could instead write that the two contrast in the area of generosity and then use this example. Either one of these ideas would work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Hanson PLC (A) : the acquisition machine - I need help for this paper [5]

Good afternoon!

As I am not familiar with your specific area of expertise, I suggest you try a couple of general research methods. First, try an internet search using keywords from your requirements and the name of the case; see what you can dig up online. Next, contact your academic advisor; they may be able to direct you to useful reserach tools on campus such as peer reviewed journals or other student study groups that have knowledge about this particular subject. Last, consult any supporting textbooks your instructor required for this particular class; see if there is any pertinent information contained in them.

I hope this gets you started!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / WHY DO I WANT TO STUDY PUBLIC HEALTH AND HOW DOES IT FIT INTO MY CAREER? [6]

Good morning!

"As a result of my excellent training in school, I am able to fit into any academic institution or training program successfully.)
Make sure you are either removing or correcting my changes. Remove the quotation mark and ellipse here.

"helminthiasis, dracunculus medinensis, and a variety of protein energy malnutrition like kwashiorkor,space marasmus, malaria typhoid enteritis, and the like."

"...lived till now..." (Change this "till" to "until".)

"...in mine environment..." Change "mine" to "my" and add a period afterwwards.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Whole-to-whole or Part-to-part structure - "Two people you know"; comparison and contrast Paragraph [8]

What is "criteria three"? I guess I don't know what your criteria were beyond comparing two people.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How to say sorry Essay for English? [5]

"It Is (No need for capitalization here; also, add "a") well known fact that asking for forgiveness is difficult for most individuals. There is no specific process to describe the act; however, some psychologists agree with sociologists that some stages are involved. First, to recognize the mistake and the damage to the other party . Second, communication from both parts (Change to "parties") and finally, acceptance of the consequences.

Relationships are based in mutual respect. Moreover, it is the understandment (Change to "understanding".) of this fact that helps us to be tolerant with each other. At this stage, facing the other person and admiting (Change to "admitting".)one's (Change to "one's".) mistake is the first step for resolving the conflict. It shows desire of (Change to "and")genuinely (Change to "genuine") interest towards the other party .

Moreover (Change this transition; you have already used "moreover", and very recently. Try "However", or "In fact" , communication helps relationships to bond. Asking for forgiveness it is an action of maturity. Admiting (Change to "admitting".) regrets and talking to your companion shows responsability (Change to "responsibility".) and real interest in the relationship.

Finnaly (Change to "finally".) , the third stage is the result of the first : (Change to a semicolon) accepting the consequences is (Change to "and".) the acknowledgement of the mistake. Asking for forgiveness is an act of valenty (I'm not sure what this word is supposed to be; valor? gallantry? as communication is (Add "a form") of respect. Relationchips (Change to "relationships".) need both, and somehow paying for the fault by accepting the concequences (Change to "consequences".)it (Remove) is a way of making a real apoligize (Change to "apology".) and shown (Change to "showing real") regret."

I hope this help!

Undergraduate / WHY DO I WANT TO STUDY PUBLIC HEALTH AND HOW DOES IT FIT INTO MY CAREER? [6]

Good evening!

Make sure you are removing my comments or correcting them with each draft.

"...school for over (Remove) a number..."

"...practising (Spelling-"practicing") in both (Remove since you are listing three items, not two.) government..."

"I know my experiences would be useful to my classmates and even the teachers." How?

"My experiences in the various hospitals that I have been to will come in handy for me. Surgeries like appendicectomies, herniorrhaphies, ceasarian sections and the treatment of medical illnesses like tetanus, hypertension and diabetes." Why will this come in handy for you?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Research paper on death penalty - where to start? [12]

Good afternoon!

This looks like a great outline for your essay. Depending on how much information you have to apply to each point, it is probably enough to meet your page requirements. Just to clarify, is your thesis a pros and cons view of all of these points? If so, you should have more than enough information to fulfill that requirement. I suggest clarifying your thesis to something such as "The Pros and Cons of the Effectiveness of the Death Penalty". Also, are you studying one country in particular? If not, you might want to narrow your research down to just one county, or perhaps compare and contrast two different ones. Also, don't forget your works cited page!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" -Essay Content & Structure [2]

Good afternoon!

I find that an outline helps me get organized when I've got a project like this to do. It looks like you have quite a few main pillars that you could use for your essay. I would suggest choosing four to start with as your main points. Once you have your main points, fill in your supporting details and facts. Also end each point with a conclusionary sentence. In your facts and details, you can use stories or referenced facts. If you need a longer essay, then you can add on more pillars of the main subjects such as those you have posted here. Don't forget to leave room for two more paragraphs; your introduction and conclusion.

I hope this helps you get started!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Oedipus the King research paper - maybe something about irony? [2]

Good afternoon!

You are in luck as this is a very famous and much analyzed work; there is a plethora of information and interpretations out there about it. I suggest you begin your search online by looking for keywords like "Oedipus", "irony", and "themes".

As far as a thesis, you could begin with a very generic thesis; something like "Oedipus' Irony" or "Irony in Oedipus Rex". As you conduct your research, you can whittle this down to something more appropriate to your research.

Also, you can contact your academic adviser for further research opportunities on campus; the library, or other study groups for example.

I hope this helps you get started!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / "Lights out" - poem analysis [5]

Good morning!

That is exactly what I'm thinking he means. The poem seems to slow down and close up, just as the life he explains.

Book Reports / "A story of an hour" - an alternate ending [4]

I think that is a very good idea. Run with it, see where it goes! Let me know how it works out!

Regards,
Gloria
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / help- topic: problems encounter with not speaking english in america [6]

Good evening!

This is a very well organized, wonderfully articulated essay. Nice work. I have very few suggestions:

"...conversational misunderstanding, isolation from others, and difficulty..."

"...Yifeng, who had come abroad for study, was feeling very lonely..."

"...food and stuffs (Change to "other items") he needs..."

"...misunderstanding, feelings of isolation, and difficulty in obtaining..."

You have done a very good job working through this essay; it has come a long way and is a very nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / "A story of an hour" - an alternate ending [4]

Good afternoon!

Chopin wrote well before her time; she was an activist for women's rights before many other more famous individuals. I suggest that you do a little bit of research regarding the role of women in the Victorian Era; what their role in life was (to marry and have children, very little else), and how repressive life was for them. Knowing this, you could then keep in line with Mr. Mallard having died, and create a new Mrs. Mallard. Give her hobbies and desires, and then ways she went about fulfilling them. Would she still have lived, or not? What if she had lived upon finding her husband alive; you could still describe how repressive and stifling her life as a Victorian woman was.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / "Lights out" - poem analysis [5]

Good afternoon!

I believe you have the two main themes down fine; sleep as rest, and sleep as death. An interpretation for this stanza:

There is not any book
Or face of dearest look
That I would not turn from now
To go into the unknown
I must enter and leave alone
I know not how.

is just what you have said; there is no stopping death. We all must die our own, personal, individual deaths. It is the singular event in life that we cannot be accompanied for. Each of our deaths is unique, and since there is nothing to compare it to, we are naturally afraid. At the same time, when it calls, we are helpless to answer. When it is our time to go there is a point when it is all that we desire. I believe this is the concept that Thomas is trying to emphasize in this stanza.

As for this one:

The tall forest towers;
Its cloudy foliage lowers
Ahead, shelf above shelf;
Its silence I hear and obey
That I may lose my way
And myself.

the only way I can give you a meaningful interpretation is to share a very personal story with you; please bear with me, it will make sense in the end.

This past summer, I lost my mother to alcoholism-liver failure, more precisely. My family and I did not realize it at the time, but she had been slowly dying for two years. She refused medical attention, and by the time her mental state was such that we could commit her to the hospital without her consent, it was far too late and she died in five days. Hospice helped me through this event, and it is their knowledge that I now pass on to you.

When we die from an illness or other incurable malady, rather it is rapidly or prolonged, there are stages; these stages all have their own time periods, but they can usually be grouped together to be recognizable to those observing the process. The first stage begins about a year out and has symptoms much like depression; withdrawal, irritation, loss of interest. At six months remaining, these symptoms continue, but physical symptoms begin as well. Of course these vary depending on the situation, but loss of appetite and increased time spent sleeping or "resting" is apparent. At four months, the sleeping becomes markedly increased as well as other physical symptoms increasing. The increase in sleeping is in preparation for the next journey; all of their work is now "inner work" because they do not need to do any "outer work" as they no longer need their body. The count down and symptoms increase as time passes, and then within a day or two before death occurs, the person improves dramatically for a short period of time. In my mother's case, she was able to hold a short conversation with her parents and siblings and give goodbyes; she had been unable to talk or breathe on her own for three days prior to this event. This is the 'last hurrah'. The individual will pass within 24 hours of this clarifying moment.

I believe the shelf Thomas refers to is this process. He is able to look beyond his surroundings, but is still aware of the machinery that is working, regardless of his feelings about its operation. I believe the towering tree is a metaphor for life; as the process moves on there is more time for inner reflection about the things we have done in our life.

As far as hearing only silence, this could be his senses failing as he passes. My mom's vision went rapidly, and she stopped responding to sound shortly after.

Thank you for bearing with me; I hope that you can sift through my diatribe and salvage something that can help you with your paper.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / the death boat speaks [4]

I see. I'm afraid I won't be able to help you on non-academic projects. If you have something academic due for a class at an educational institution, we will be more than happy to assist you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / ESSAY ABOUT YOURSELF (ideas, sentences, phrases) [7]

Good morning Joseph!

Excellent work! This is exactly what your instructor is looking for! To shorten the essay, perhaps choose only one story; the piano lessons or the movie production. Whichever one you choose to remove, you can still refer to it in a sentence or two. For instance, if you choose to keep the piano lesson story, you can refer to the movie making situation by stating something like, "When I come up against a task I think is impossible, I think to myself, do the job with partners, not alone, just like movie producing teams." When you're done, go ahead and post it again and we can edit for grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / WHY DO I WANT TO STUDY PUBLIC HEALTH AND HOW DOES IT FIT INTO MY CAREER? [6]

This is much better; now the person reading your essay knows a bit more about you and your background. This is important to someone who is deciding who will or will not get into a university; the regents do not want to take individuals who are not serious about their education or who are not going to use it to change the world when they are done.

I would still suggest cutting out the beginning introduction describing what the field is; the judges already know this. I would again spend more time giving more examples and descriptions of yourself and your experiences. You say that you have experience both government, private, and mission hospitals. Perhaps detail what you have done at these places; this will ensure that they know you have relevant experience that could contribute to the education of your peers. Perhaps explain what it is exactly you wish to gain by attending this particular school; do you have one specialized area you are interested in? If so, detail it in this essay. This is your one and only change to make yourself stand out as the most qualified student for admission; use it to its full extent.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Help on "Public school 190,Brooklyn 1963" by Espada [8]

Good afternoon!

If you are having problems recognizing themes in the work, I suggest doing an internet search for the title of the poem, along with the keyword "themes". This should bring up some information on established themes, and help you get a jump start on your own ideas. Also check your campus for resources such as study groups that could help stimulate your own original though.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Literrary Critical Analysis Essay on Of Mice and Men [4]

Hey, good job! My friend has a saying, "C's make degrees"; sometimes that's all that matters! What really matters is that you have noticed a difference in your writing. The more you do it the better you'll get.

Good work!

Poetry / Explicate a Poem (or in this case a Sonnet) [6]

No problem! I'm glad I could help. Each instructor is different; they all want crazy things. As far as the punctuation goes, if the end of the line ends in punctuation such as a semicolon, it should be OK to leave it off, unless you are going to cite the very next line. If you are only citing that one line individually in and of itself, no punctuation is needed. If you leave it on and there is no following line, it looks like you meant to add something but forgot. You've got the caps correct; if it's capped in the original, you copy it exactly and then cite the resource.

Keep up the good work!

Writing Feedback / the death boat speaks [4]

Good evening!

Since this one is so long, I'm going to have to break it up into parts and post each piece as I go. Is this a screenplay? I mean, are there speaking parts as well as stage directions? If so, that will change my suggestions.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / An Infallible Partner (he is in the forties and hasn't married yet) - give me your impression [4]

Good afternoon!

You are very welcome. You have large potential to become an incredible writer. The ideas you have are very thought provoking, and you have a gift for description. Anyone who speaks three languages has to be gifted!

Keep up the good work, and remember; the only way we get better at something is to keep working at it.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Selfishness and politics research paper and outline [13]

OK, no problem!

As far as a thesis, how about something like, "Selfishness and its affects in relation to political power and negative effects on society"?

As far as content goes, it looks like you have a great start; the only thing I could suggest is perhaps finding a few more good sources to cite as your examples. You have a couple already, but the more you have the stronger your argument appears to those reading it. Your organization looks great, and you do have many supporting details. This is all very positive. Nice work!

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Explicate a Poem (or in this case a Sonnet) [6]

Good afternoon!

In regards to your first post, MLA citation requires Poetry requires line citation rather than page numbers, and also that you keep the line breaks intact. For instance:

"Between my finger and my thumb / The squat pen rests. / I'll dig with it" (29-31).
It appears you have your citations correct in your draft.

In regards to your second post:

Liberty, Freedom, and Respect in William Wordsworth's "To Toussaint L'Ouverture"

"In his sonnet, "To Toussaint L'Ouverture", Wordsworth depicts Napoleon's black prisoner as praiseworthy because of the justice of his cause, exalting his heroism by association with abstract ideals: "exultations, agonies, / and love, and man's unconquerable mind" (13-14). Toussaint's story is that of a hero and martyr, he was born a slave in Santo Domingo under French rule in 1743. He leads a slave revolt in 1792, and rallies troops against the English when Revolutionary France abolishes slavery in 1794. Toussaint set up a black republic until the French defeat and deported him to France in 1801; he died two years later in prison."

"Wordsworth is of the (How about changing this to "wrote in the") Romantic period and favors the Petrarchan sonnet type, (Change this to a period.)he (Capitalize) creates a new poetic diction asserting that "the language [the common man speaks] [. . .] (This extra set of brackets is unnecessary.) is plainer, more emphatic [. . .]" (Again, these brackets are unnecessary.) (Make sure you insert the source this quote came from, using their last name.) 715). This style makes his poetry accessible to the masses instead of only those with higher education in (Change to "during".) the nineteenth century. The sonnet utilizes 14 lines, the first 8-line descriptive stanza is the octave and the 6-line reflective stanza is the setstet (Change to "sestet".) . The first line depicts Toussaint (Insert "as the") "most unhappy man of men!" (1) and the immediate reaction is to feel sympathy for this unfortunate person. Wordsworth then wonders if Toussaint can hear from his prison "the whistling Rustic tend his plough / within thy hearing [. . .] (See my earlier note.) " (2). The connotation of the "whistling Rustic" indicates a happy farmer plowing the fields outside the prison window of Toussaint. Wordworth's use of the metaphor "thy head be now pillowed in some deep dungeon's earless den; (Remove this semi colon.) " (4) portrays a comfortable feeling of the pillow which is soft and cushions the ear, however in this instance there is no ear. The "earless den" goes on to reaffirm the personification that Wordsworth incorporates into his sonnets." (Remove this quotation mark.)

The sonnet addresses Toussaint, "O miserable Chieftain!" (5) the (Capitalize "the".) word chieftain informs (Insert "the reader that" this is a leader of (Insert "a") group or tribe and the acknowledgement by Wordsworth shows the respect he feels for Toussaint and the struggles for his group. The lingering thought of the author, "where and when wilt thou find patience?" (6) allows the reader to absorb the thought with the use of caesura. Wordworth states with verbal (This is unnecessary.) irony, "yet die not [. . .] (See my earlier note.) wear rather in thy bonds a cheerful brow: (Remove this as it is unnecessary.) " (6-7) as a person does not normally wear a bondage of chains with a "merry" attitude. Wordsworth uses the last line of the octave with acknowledgement that Toussaint has, "fallen [. . .] (See my earlier note.) never to rise again" (8) with tone that the end for Toussaint is occurring with the end of the stanza.

Wordsworth consoles the imprisoned man to "live, and take comfort" (9) as Toussaint is an inspiration to others with his fight for freedom and liberty. The verse "thou hast left behind / powers that will work for thee; air, earth and skies" (9-10) repeats this and "the world" (air, earth and sky) and mankind will still champion the cause of freedom and liberty even though Toussaint is under arrest. The reference, "There's not a breathing of the common wind / That will forget thee; (Remove) " (11-12) and "Thy friends are exulations, agonies, / And love, and man's unconquerable mind" (12-14) indicate Wordsworth's patriotic feelings, revealing the social and political activities that are important to him. Frances Jessup states of the poet, "Wordsworth is both conscience of society and soul [. . .] See my earlier note. " (369). The focus of the sonnet is not about death, dungeons, and unhappiness-it is about Toussaint's love for his people, his determination for liberty and freedom. Wordsworth praises those abstract ideals of liberty and freedom, his respect for Toussaint and his heroic accomplishments with this sonnet."

Very nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com