Writing Feedback /
Children may be stimulated by some new subjects and enjoy a more colorful and meaningful childhood [4]
I agree that subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education. The reasons are that children might be stimulated by some new subjects, can enjoy a more colorful and meaningful childhood, and may have more opportunities in the future.
Assert your opinion more forcefully:
"Art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's education"
Although you might be saying the same thing, the latter is much stronger and will better entice the reader.
The reasons are that children might be stimulated by some new subjects, can enjoy a more colorful and meaningful childhood, may have more opportunities in the future.
In my opinion, but this seems a little bland. You can take out "The reasons are" and instead write, "By extending education as so,". Both are saying the same thing, but, to me, the latter sounds less clichéd... (Whoa!! I just realized that this text editor had a spell checker! Awesome! Just corrected my Woah to a Whoa. :)
They have the possibilitiesopportunities to show the distinct talent in some fields, which may have not been discovered before.
Second, though some people say it may exhaust children under the burden of subjects or even ruins their precious childhood,
This sounds a little awkward to me. Let me try to rephrase it:
"Second, although some argue that the burden of extra subjects exhausts children or even ruins their precious childhood,..."
How about that? :)
You know, more and more adults feel kind of boring and meaningless when they look back on their childhood, just with toys and comics.
No, I don't know. :) When writing formal essays, you should never write "as you know" or "you know" or "you may know" because the reader may not know. :) Instead, you can just take out that phrase, which will leave you with a more agreeable and stronger statement:
"Nowadays, more and more adults regret frittering away their childhood with toys and comics instead of engaging in art or music" (I rephrased it a bit too. I think it's more succinct and effective.)
NowTherefore, (This gives a smoother transition from the previous sentence) if subjects aboveart, music, and drama (One thing a lot of readers don't like is having to read back :) are involvedincluded in the children's basic education, theychildren (Here is an ambiguous pronoun. It could refer to the subjects art, music, and drama. So you want to clarify that and use 'children' instead) can have more choices to enjoy a colorful childhood.
Third, starting to learnlearning these subjects at an early age provides more future opportunities.
Again, it sounds more succinct :). Once you've learned, you already started to learn. So if you can say the same thing with less words, why not chose the phrase with less? :)
he gotearned an extra grade in the entrance exam of university. What a lucky dog!He was very fortunate to have been exposed to music at such an early age.
Remember that this is a formal essay. Try to avoid using casual expressions.
ConsequentlyFurthermore , children will be more competitive in the future when they educateddevelopsome distinct skills early.
You would generally use "consequently" if there is a cause-effect scenario going on. But I don't see one; instead, you are adding to the fact that children will receive more future opportunities. So "Furthermore" will work better in this case.
For both short-term and long-term benefits as I discuss above, subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of children's basic education.
Again, try to avoid the "as above" part, and develop your conclusion more. Add more to the final paragraph, maybe something about what the future of children education would be like with art, music, and drama. Then at the end, write the decisive statement, "Undoubtedly, art, music, and drama must be included in children's basic education."
Hope I helped :] I'm sorry if it seems like I ripped your essay apart -.-
