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Posts by chet1119
Joined: Aug 4, 2010
Last Post: Dec 29, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 14  
From: Singapore

Displayed posts: 16
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chet1119   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Thoughts without content are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind." [6]

Hi Yohana

I think you have fallen into the trap of making this essay more argumentative rather than personal. Whilst overall the essay is excellent with a sound chain of reasoning, it reveals very little about yourself.

I would suggest you to take a step backwards and reconsider the prompt, which I think is merely asking how you perceive the world.

Good luck!
chet1119   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "dynamic and diverse student body" - Northwestern - "WHY US" essay [2]

Hi Tanya,

Whilst there is not much stylistically wrong with your essay, I think it simply lacks content.

You mention very little to almost nothing about why NU appeals to you academically. I am not sure how important is the bit on the Great Lakes. Is it really a significant to apply to NU??

The only thing you mention about the qualities of northwestern is the word itself. Dance marathons, and a nice blend of college and city lives is offered my many other good colleges. So why NU then?

I think you need to step backwards, and take a look at the academic programs at NU and how they blend with your own interests.

I hope this helps :)

Good luck!
chet1119   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "From France to India, or switching from Croissants to Masala" Common App' Essay [4]

1. "American school my siblings and I would integrate"; American school my siblings and I would integrate into "

2. "American school with an proper level of English"; "American school with a proper level of English"

3. "I chose to do another 11th grade year I this English school, delaying the date of my graduation"; "I chose to do another 11th grade year in this English school, thus delaying the date of my graduation

4. "no one will ever caught me saying that I regret it"' "no one will ever catch me saying that I regret it"

5. The bit about where you find the cast system "understandable and defendable"; NOT AT ALL a good idea to say. The cast system was and remains a very tainted concept and certainly no educated Indian would ever defend it. And I think this runs counter to the concept of a liberal arts education, where acceptance and tolerance are two key virtues. I would remove that, if I were you :)

6. "We had always been very close from each other"; "We had always been very with each other"

7. "my family has never been my motivation for my desire for independence"; I really do not understand what you are trying to convey here. Might want to make it a bit more clear or rephrase it.

Overall, well done! This is a really good piece. Though I think you can still improve on a few places by making the transitions from one para. to another, smoother. Also, I have corrected the few things I noticed, but there is still quite a bit of patching up to do.

Hope this help :)
Good luck!
chet1119   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Hope, Energy, Ambition, Responsibility, Tolerance: Yale supplement essay [5]

I am thinking you mean "homogeneity". :)

I think your transition from "Heart" to "Hope" is unclear. Are you trying to emulate the qualities of your heart? Just make that a bit more specific.

Maybe its just me but saying that "I have not lost yet" in your Hope bit, sounds a bit awkward. You generally come across as modest and strong-willed, but I think you might want to rephrase this one.

Overall, I love the idea of using quotes to begin and then making your personality shine through them.

Great Essay :)
chet1119   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Looking through a window: Hutong neighborhoods in Beijing - Williams Supplement [5]

I will agree with the previous poster. While you paint a vivid, descriptive picture of the situation, the essay still needs a personal touch. Try bringing in some anecdote about yourself, which relates with the picture.

Only your last line talks about yourself. Since the word limit is really tight, you may want to cut down on some of the descriptions to make more room for your personal thoughts.

Hope that helped :)
chet1119   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "my bond with History" - Cornell Supplement for CAS [3]

Hi, this is my supplement essay for Cornell. Any constructive feedback would be most welcome.

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

The first bond which I ever formed with anyone, was with my mother. It was done unknowingly and instinctively, yet, even today it remains as real, sacred and natural as it did the day I was born. They say some things can't be explained. I believe this bond is probably one of them. Over time, I have developed other bonds. But there is only one which I can count as pure, inviolable and inexplicable as the one I share with my mother.

It is my bond with History.

Truthfully, I have no idea how History transformed from just another subject to an integral part of my being. But just as the pen is Paul Coelho's element, similarly History has become mine.

My interest in History is not restricted to a particular period or event, but spans over a wide array of topics. As part of my Extended Essay for the IB, I did a paper on the Fall of the Knights Templar in France. Aside from investigating the main question, the project led me to read extensively on juridical practices in early 14th Century France, the medieval culture, and literature associated with the heresies that the Templars were accused of. On the other hand, in the modern era the study of Nazi Germany and the Holocaust has been of significant importance to me, since it challenged me to look beyond my own paradigms into a society whose norms were incomprehensible.

The dynamism in History feeds my passion for the subject more so than anything else. Since there is simply no right answer, and uncountable ways to approach an event, there is a massive room for experimentation in History, allowing for knowledge from other disciplines. For me the Great Depression best explains Hitler's rise to power, a psychological sketch of the stalwarts at Versailles- the outcome of the treaty, and Wilfred Owen's heart wrenching war poetry- the consequence of World War I. With every new historical opinion I come across, my passion attains a new level. Thus whether it is Niall Fergusson's view on race being the sole motivator of twentieth century conflicts, or Daniel Jonah Goldman's conviction that Germans were willing participants of the Holocaust, it not only increases my knowledge, but also my power of critical evaluation.

Aside from all internships, study abroad programs which Cornell offers, my primary interest spawns simply from the diversity and rigour of the courses, which I view as an extension of my current interests. Exploring the History Department at Cornell I was drawn to the broad spectrum of courses offered on all periods in European History. Courses dedicated to Jewish History in particular incite my curiosity since this is one area I am very keen yet have been unable to explore. I intend to utilise the interdisciplinary liberal arts approach to further look at courses in German studies, evolution of government structures and economic history, all of which shall enhance my understanding of historical events and the forces which have shaped the 21st century.
chet1119   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "practical knowledge in arts and science" - Cornell CAS Supplement [2]

This is a good essay. You clearly highlight your intellectual interests and their evolution. The fact that you mention that you aren't sure where this interest would lead you, shows that you are ready to explore different avenues, which is exactly the point of a liberal arts education.

Another strength is that you have made this essay simple and lucid, without using any pretentious or profound terms. Your voice can be heard quite clearly.

However, there is scope for improvement. Maybe you can talk about how your love for biology complements certain characteristics of your personality, and your attitude towards the world. You mention that you have certain interesting questions in your mind, mention some of these since they'll make the essay more interesting.

The bit about "why Cornell?", is rather weak at the moment. Saying things that the university's research programs are fantastic, and intellectually stimulating, is rather generic. Mention a specific program you liked, or an approach of teaching, so they know that you are aware of what you are talking.

Good Luck :)
chet1119   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "interested in many subjects" - Why Stanford -- 2 draft ideas and help me choose [3]

Hi, frankly speaking. Both your ideas are really unsuitable at the moment.

First Essay:
You are offering very generalized information about Stanford, which is true for almost any good university. What you wanna do is to tell them why Stanford is the best for what you want to do.

Second Essay:
Firstly, no AOs want to hear that how many drafts you have written for their essays. Everyone writes tens of drafts before they come up with something good, so there's nothing new in that.

Secondly, are you really applying to Stanford because of its aesthetic beauty??? To say that you would enjoy the beautiful campus, while strongly mentioning other aspects of Stanford which you like, is alright. However, saying that you're applying to Stanford ONLY because it has a nice campus, comes as rather superficial. As far as I can see, you mention the academics only once, that too in the last line.

It seems to me that you're trying rather hard to write something "different". I suggest that you explore Stanford's website more, and learn more deeply about the programs it has to offer, and how your aspirations and academic interests complement Stanford's way and approach of teaching.

Good luck with your application! :)
chet1119   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "MANY TICKS TO A ROAR" What makes you tick? [9]

In the print center

In the printing centre

It's one of my favorite parts of the creating a monthly newspaper, observing the look that starts to shape the features of the photocopier. Watching the incredulous look on the photocopier's face, gives me immense satisfaction (you can choose another word).

He grumbles indistinctly ,I grin and say "Yes, it is the that time of the month". As he grumbles indistinctly, I grin and say "Yes, it's that time of the month"

(aka "Die Döner Kriege" is an article that is a product of my unchained hunger

I do not understand what you intend to say here.

But it's me who literally relishes with the creation of this newspaper. But it's me who profusely relishes the creation of this newspaper.

merge into a one laud

do you mean "loud"?

it symbols the thirst for creation and knowledge that inhabits me It symbolizes the thirst for creation and knowledge that inhabits me

hope this helps :)
chet1119   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Campus, Curriculum, Others surprised by me - Notre Dame supplements! [3]

I think you have totally nailed all three of your supplements. They're very impressive for only 150 words. I particularly like your second one, Classic Rock ftw! I agree with Mathias, that maybe you would want to elaborate a bit more. A good idea would be to generalise your opinions on Led Zeppelin for classic rock in general. That way you can have more words to talk about the musical form.

Best of luck for your application!

Can you read my supplement for Williams College, and provide feedback.

Cheers!
chet1119   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

I like your essay, but I think you haven't fully answered the essay prompt. You need to talk about a "window" through which you are looking at the environment of significance. I can see your passion for soccer, but not the much-needed window.

Maybe you want to write this as a rumination, which can then allow you to add the window. :)

Chetan Singhal
chet1119   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "architecture consumed each of my academic interests" - Supplement Essay for Cornell [3]

Wow, you write really well. Your essay clearly brings out your love for architecture. Well done!

But, I think you might want to look at your first paragraph again. Saying that "Gothic architecture never impressed me much" doesnt really add anything to your essay, and also comes as a bit high-handed. I would probably omit everything you have said about Gothic architecture, and start directly from the bit on Stonehenge. This is certainly gonna cut a lot of words as well!

Apart from this, very well written essay!
chet1119   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Kashmir: Imagine looking through a window... - Williams College Supplement [5]

Hi, this is the essay prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

The northern horizon, which had turned a bluish grey, is showing orange again. The orange turns into copper and then into a luminous russet. Sitting on a shikara- boathouse-, in Kashmir's famous "Dal Lake", I am watching the dying sunset. My gaze turns from the sky, to the still lake water, abundant with rose petals. These emanate a sweet fragrance, one present in a place of worship, one that I feel when I embrace my mother. The lake captures the essence of Kashmir, the water surface radiating an aura of peace and serenity. Looking more intently, I notice that beneath the clear surface, the petals have given the water a reddish tinge. Even as I watch, the redness continues to envelope the lake like a drop of blood in water.

"Blood", a word that has become synonymous with Kashmir as each new dawn smears more of it on the innocent face of this beautiful land. Listening to the sound of the oars against the water, I notice a small child standing at the shore. His eyes are the light blue of the Kashmir sky. I smile at him and wave a friendly gesture. His sapphire eyes suddenly reflect fear. Fear, which has developed through years of neglect and bloodshed, as Kashmir lies, a forgotten Palestine.

The shikara rows further away from the shore, but I want it to stop so I can reach the child and tell him that I am a friend. It does not stop and as darkness engulfs the valley, the child's silhouette is all that is visible. Ironically, like Kashmir, whose beauty too has been reduced into a silhouette as terror casts its blanket of darkness...

Any constructive feedback would be highly appreciated. Thank you!

Chetan Singhal
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