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Posts by GrimRippah
Joined: Aug 8, 2010
Last Post: Jan 13, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 5  

From: Romania

Displayed posts: 8
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Jan 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'great influence on defining my goals' - Common APP Transfer Essay [3]

My first comment is that you need to balance the essay, because you talk about your current university in two of your three paragraphs, leaving only the last paragraph to say why you wish to transfer.

Also, you repeat the word "Suffolk" too many times, and it becomes tiring.

You have slight grammar issues, such as the inappropriate use of commas. For example:

however, my classes did not live up to my expectations.

Also, The difficulty level was very similar to my high school' s.
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'getting bad grades in math again?' - Cornell - College of Arts and Sciences Essay [2]

Please address the topics below in an essay of approximately 500 to 750 words.

Tell us what you'd like to major in at Cornell and why, how your past academic or work experience influenced your decision, and how transferring to Cornell would further your academic interests.

"Seriously? You're getting bad grades in math again? I'm calling your uncle to come over tomorrow after school and explain the material to you."

"But, mom..."
"Say nothing."
About eight years ago, when I was a fifth grader, I could not understand my mother's desire to put me through what I then considered to be weekly sessions of torture, because I simply felt I needed to grow at my own pace. I somehow liked mathematics, however, but I did not know why. It simply made sense. Anyway, maybe out of rudimentary ambition, I participated in mathematics competitions all four years of middle school, just to show the others I had potential. However, in the beginning, I did not work constantly; instead, I just hoped to "pull it off". Success did come, but at a moderate level.

As time went by, the beauty of mathematics started to grow on me.

Four years later, I had been placed in one of the top high schools in the country, and my math teacher happened to be the editor-in-chief of the country's best-known mathematical magazines, [insert name here]. I must admit, I was initially daunted by his prestige, and wanted to prove myself in front of him - but he did come around as a gentle, caring person with a deep passion for mathematics, and he inspired me.

Somehow, through his way of being - unbeknownst to me at the time - he motivated me to work harder and strive to be better. My results showed it: that year, against all odds, I qualified for the first time into the national (final) round of the Mathematics Olympiad, the toughest mathematical competition at a high school level.

Upon further reflection on how he motivated me, I realized: it was due to his indirect influence. He never pushed me or made me strive to do better than others. Instead, he showed me the beauty of mathematics through his way of explaining the topics we went over; that way, he imbued me with an ever-growing flame and thirst for knowledge which gave me an addiction to mathematics.

I would stay up late at night just to solve mathematics problems out of pure pleasure. And, through some sort of strange coincidence, as if the story started four years before had come full circle, my mom and I started arguing about mathematics again. This time, I was not struggling with mathematics. On the contrary, I was way too passionate about it and solved problems, therefore reducing the amount of sleep I got.

Over the rest of high school, I was in love with mathematics. My teacher showed me new and exciting things, such as calculus, linear algebra or abstract algebra. The story described above repeated itself twice - I got to the final round of the National Olympiad twice more, in my sophomore and junior year, and even got a bronze medal for my results in my sophomore year.

So far in college, I took a Multivariable Calculus course and am currently taking Linear Algebra. Both courses are fascinating, and I would really like to be able to take courses from a larger selection of topics in mathematics, in order to find out what area of mathematics I like and would like to study. I know there is "life after calculus" (Cornell Mathematics Department website), but which life will I make my own? I do not know, but the large selection of courses offered by the Mathematics Department, such as geometry, topology, mathematical logic or algebraic geometry, will definitely help me grow closer to a certain area of mathematics.

Mathematics is beautiful, no doubt, and I love it - but from time to time, I like to disconnect from it. And for me, observing other people's expression of ideas through art and literature always is a welcome break from the impartiality of mathematics. Every so often, I like to absorb new ideas and observe facts about the world in order to form a broader view. For example, this semester I am taking a course called "XXX" - just because to me, YYY culture seems interesting and it would be exciting to find out more about this aspect crucial to it.

The many courses offered within the Mathematics Department of Cornell University, along with the ample opportunities for research, will allow me to find out which area of mathematics I want to pursue even further; and the many courses offered in other departments of the College of Arts and Sciences will provide me with opportunities for an unparralelled liberal arts education.

Does the essay flow? Did I manage to tell an interesting story, all while explaining why Cornell is the ideal place for me?

Overall, did I manage to provide a good response essay?
Jan 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / Reading is an important thing in all humans life [3]

Try to make smoother transitions between paragraphs (don't start with "Firstly" and "Secondly") and try to make a better conclusion. Additionally, please revise your grammar. You have a lot of grammar errors. For example:

Reading is an important thing in all humans lifelives ; it gives them more informations about every thingeverything in life such as reading news papersnewspapers or books.
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "My First National Olympiad" - Personal Statement [4]

My first major success in high school was my qualification to the national phase of the 2008 Mathematics Olympiad. Now, two and a half years later and after another two participations in the national phase of the forementioned olympiad, this performance seems relatively easy to attain. However, I didn't have this feeling back in early 2008.

I was standing in my dorm room on the first day of the national phase, tired after a 9-hour journey by train, my bags still unpacked. I couldn't believe that I was finally there, after two years of trying and failing to qualify. And then, thoughts and memories started crossing my mind, taking me to a time and place not very far away.

After a rather hard time qualifying for the regional phase, I didn't have much of a resolve. I thought, "What is meant to be WILL happen regardless of my actions." But on one of the following days, my Mathematics teacher told me he saw potential in me. He told me that I had to strive harder and tap into that potential, because I would be capable of great performances.

That was the spark that set me alight; I started setting up the information for the greater problem: the qualification. I made a plan. Given little more than a month, resources and resolve, I had to find a way to qualify for the national phase.

As my resolve grew, so did my worries. I had to score at least 14 points out of 28 and earn a place at the top of the roster, among the first 13 people. Saturday, March 1st, would be my D-Day, a time for me to stand strong and prove my worth. Surprisingly, that day came rather quickly.

After I arrived at the high school where the contest would take place, the daunting feeling I had been having for the last few days started to fade away. Upon receiving the problem sheet, I felt inspired. I knew I could solve the problems and qualify for the next stage.

At one point, I felt frustrated. No matter how I tried to approach the last problem, I just couldn't reach the conclusion. All of a sudden, serendipity hit me and with it, the realization that I had to look at the big picture and stop being so fastidious. All I had to do in order to reach the conclusion was a simple subtraction.

After the competition had ended, I went home to get some rest. I returned later to see the results. I had scored 13 points and was on the twelfth place, along with other four boys from other high schools. Knowing I was one point away from a qualification didn't really feel rosy. Nevertheless, on Monday I filled a complaint asking for a reevaluation of my paper.

I was told that the final decisions would be made public on Thursday. On Wednesday, however, I had a surprise. My teacher told me that the jury had decided to give me that final sought-after point, securing me a place in Bucharest's team for the national phase of the Olympiad. My happiness could not be described.

That was the first stop on the road that hard work, commitment and inspiration had taken me on. It gave me all the satisfaction I wanted and much more. But that was just the first qualification.

The fight was far from over.

What do you think? Does it have enough cohesion so as to flow smoothly? Are the topic and approach I've taken OK? What is your overall opinion on it?

Keep in mind that this is only the first draft.
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Horrible Mcdonald's story's (Persuasion through personal narrative essay) [3]

I think you should use somewhat less dialogue in your essay, to give it a sense of coherence and give it a generally better flow.

And try not to repeat yourself so much. I read your opening paragraph and the name "McDonald's" started to irritate me. Let me propose another phrasing:

"Americans love fast food and kids especially love McDonald's. McDonald's is the most popular restaurant among kid's. However, it has the worst service of any restaurant in history. Quite a few of their employees can barely speak English. If you go to there on a regular basis I urge you to think about the service you have been getting and stop going to that fast-food. I have had two really bad experiences there.

Good luck! :)
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "arts in architecture" - my statement of purpose [4]

I have some comments to make.

You should make some corrections, such as writing "I" instead of "i" when talking about yourself. Your essay seems to be more appropriate as a UK statement of purpose; there, you have to write what you want to study and why you want to study that subject. Try a different approach; you have to tell a story that only you can tell. Moreover, you should write mainly about how it affected you, not about what happened.

Best of luck! :)
Sep 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "hard study and commitment" - Personal Statement - Highschool Years [3]

Here's my first complete personal statement. The lyrics below are in Romanian.

"Ani de liceu, enigmatică prefață la romanul ce e doar al meu..."

The song to which these lyrics pertain, released in 1986, idealizes the image of a normal teenager's high school years. In our culture, this image used to be thought of as revealing of four years that mark the end of childhood, ushering in the onset of adulthood and bringing about great responsibilities.

When I look at myself right now and compare this image to the one that used to represent me three years ago, I feel the need to stop for a moment, to be able to take in these huge changes that have occurred and accept the person that high school shaped me into. In 2007, I was a superficial, carefree 14 year-old boy, excitedly anticipating the start of high school. I was not striving to achieve excellence, to perfect myself in any domain or anything of the like - I thought everything would just flow naturally if I enrolled in the best class in the country and keep studying like I did before - strive to learn my lessons right before the test and forget about them afterwards.

When it came to high school admission, all flowed smoothly. I thought everything would be a piece of cake right from the beginning and that I would have absolutely no problem with getting high grades, making friends and so on.

Nevertheless, my first day of high school was more than overwhelming.
You see, my high school grounds have this layout: after passing the teachers' entrance, you have to go through a small tunnel, cross the school yard and enter the building through the students entrance. I had passed through the tunnel before, but this very moment would overwhelm me.

Halfway through the tunnel, I stopped and had a glimpse of the school yard. For the first time in my life, I saw it full of students. The information was almost to much to process. An overwhelming feeling took over me. How was I supposed to resist in this place? I knew virtually nobody.

The shock was further deepened, when my teachers, through their first evaluations, showed me I did not know even half of what I thought I did. Then I started accelerating my study pace, dedicating myself to academic achievement, but not at the cost of leaving out extracurricular activities.

Slowly but surely, the pieces started falling back into place. Hours of hard study and commitment started paying off: my grades started to go up once again, my teachers started to notice me as an interesting student and, for the first time, in the ninth grade I managed to qualify for the national phase of the mathematical olympiad.

Along with the academic part of high school, the social issues I had at first were alleviated. My new colleagues slowly turned from acquaintances to friends. I have even formed a close group with some of them.

Now, at the beginning of senior year, I am starting to look back at the great things that my high school years offered me and completely accept the transformation I underwent.

Although I am looking at one more year in front of me in this place, I am slightly confused. It is a little difficult for me to realize that by this time next year, I am going to be on another continent. I am going to sever almost all of my links to the place where I grew; it definitely is hard, but it sure is worth it. I am really looking forward to swimming in the sea of opportunities. Who knows what chances the future holds? Maybe there are chances for me to fulfill an important purpose in life, to do some good to our society. That, in my opinion, is the greatest part of an American education: you always have to be open to something new and let yourself be taken by surprise.

What do you think?
Is it ok? If not, why? What should I work more on?
Thanks :D