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Posts by kawsneffect
Joined: Oct 11, 2010
Last Post: Dec 8, 2013
Threads: 8
Posts: 37  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 45 / page 1 of 2
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kawsneffect   
Dec 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / Who could this person be? descriptive essay [4]

Topic: Find an interesting stranger and describe this person in great detail. 3 pages double spaced.

Here's my revision. Obviously it's not 3 pages. Is there anything else I can expand on?

It was rush hour, around 6'o clock in the evening to be exact, the time when people are just getting off from work. I was on the metro heading home. Waiting for the next arriving train was brutal. After letting two car pass because of congestion, I was finally able to get on the next available train. I took a seat at the rear end of the car. As the train made a halt at every passing station, I could see passengers eagerly ready to board the crowded car. As the doors unfastened, I can see this hasty person securing an empty seat. I couldn't for the life of me make clear of the gender, so I am just going to refer to this being "the person". This person could be described as young (late 20's early 30's?), tall (5'9-6'1), broad shoulder, undeveloped breast, slender build and pale, possibly a model even. The person had a wide forehead, pointy chin, thin eyebrows, narrow lips, long nose, and large round deep baby blue eyes. The hair was evenly lengthy, golden and styled in a topknot ponytail.

With every passing stop the car got more vacant, so most poses were interpreted. The person clearly exuded confident body language. The person sat tall with certitude, legs crossed and exhibited strong posture. This person looked to have a craze for fashion. The person worn a plain loose white cotton t-shirt, tight dark blue faded jeans and was bare foot in shiny black leather moccasin shoes. Much of the time this person sat gazing the posters walls, hardly making eye contact with anyone.

I could see this person modeling for a clothing brand, dancing on a performing stage, painting to express imagination & beauty, photographing for memories or doing something in the filmmaking business. This person's name could be Riza, Ana, Alexandro/dra, Edmond, Emma, Ceasar, Monalisa. In five-ten years from now, I can predict this person having quite an exciting nomadic lifestyle, and meeting all different kinds of people from all different parts of the world. I can see paris being her home since it fits her fashionista character the best. I can envision her taking a trip to the beautiful country of india, taking beautiful photographs of the area, dancing with little children and filming a documentary about the dissimilar way of life.

As this person hurriedly hoist her handbag into the calm air, and prepared to exit the car, I could see passengers teeter on the verge of collapse. That was the last I saw of this compelling person.
kawsneffect   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / Who could this person be? descriptive essay [4]

Basically describe a person just from observation, and this is what I came up with. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance

They say you never forget the first person you laid your eyes on. I was traveling on the transit system, and people came in an array of shapes, sizes, colors and social statuses. Among the many passengers on board, while entirely subjective, one in particular intrigued me. It was the first time I encountered an ambiguous gender. I would ask myself... Is this a woman...? Or a man perhaps...? This person looked neutral. I felt awkward not knowing if the person was male or female, or if this person even identifies with the gender binary.

It was late in the evening. I was sitting on the rear corner of the train. The person took an available seat across from me. This person was young (late 20's early 30's?), tall (5'9-6'1), broad shoulder, slender build and pale, possibly a model even. The person had a wide forehead, pointy chin, thin eyebrows, narrow lips, long nose, and large round deep baby blue eyes. The hair was evenly lengthy, golden and styled in a topknot ponytail.

With every passing stop the car got more vacant, so most poses were interpreted. The person clearly exuded confident body language. The person sat tall with certitude, legs crossed and exhibited strong posture. This person had quite a sensible fashion choice. The person worn a plain loose white cotton t-shirt, tight dark blue faded jeans and was bare foot in shiny black leather moccasin shoes. This person was all natural, no makeup, no handbag or accessories and completely scent-free. Much of the time this person sat gazing the posters walls, hardly making eye contact with anyone.

I can see this person modeling for a brand, dancing, painting, photographing or doing something in the filmmaking business. This person's name could be Riza, Ana, Ceasar or even Monalisa. In five-ten years from now, I can foresee this person having quite an exciting nomadic lifestyle, and meeting all different kinds of people from all different parts of the world.

People are ubiquitous around the globe. Sarah McLachlan once said, " I'll talk to any stranger about everything. I'm not guarded" So I encourage you to take a leap of faith and show them some hospitality, and you shall be surprise with whom you meet. That person is probably a hero of his own life story and the love of someone's life. It all starts with a curiosity.
kawsneffect   
Sep 9, 2013
Essays / FIND A STRANGER AND DESCRIBE THE PERSON IN GREAT DETAIL [4]

Okay, so my assignment is quite fun. Essentially I'll have to go out, find a stranger, secretly observe the person from head to toe and write about it.

Only problem is the essay needs to be 3-4 pages long. How on earth am I going to do that?????
This is where your help comes into affect.

I need help making an outline!!

Describe the person their action, smell touch, what they wore, where this person might work, who this person might be, what occupation, where I think I'll see this person 5-10 years down the line.
kawsneffect   
Sep 9, 2013
Graduate / Electrical Engineering-Control Systems-Robotic-Fall 2014 ;SOP/ Berkeley [4]

Try shortening your essay by stating the most important things you want the reader to know about you. Leave off the specifics like; "I first became interested in control systems during my undergraduate." & "We talked to the professors so much and had weekly sessions."

"An internship at the PBF incorporation confirmed my commitment to pursuing graduate study in control systems with a university that offers a wide range of edge-cutting theoretical and practical academic studies."

You could substitute this with

My interest in pursuing graduate studies was a result of an internship I took at X company.
kawsneffect   
Jul 14, 2013
Undergraduate / "I have a clear path and goal set"; Transfer appeal- Are you convinced? [13]

Jkjeremy, there's no due date per se. However, I'll like to have it submitted ASAP. School starts next month and it'll be disheartening if they don't even take a look at my appeal letter as a result of time.

I like your first idea. However, sadly my sole reasons for my rejection is the reasons listed above. They won't even look at my credentials because my application was late. I agree admins don't like to hear excuses. But, what choice do I have?

I'll like to thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I very much appreciate it.
kawsneffect   
Jul 11, 2013
Undergraduate / "I have a clear path and goal set"; Transfer appeal- Are you convinced? [13]

I'll like to thank you for your feedback, April April. It was very helpful. I made a revision. I'll appreciate it if anyone can give me further feedback/adjustments. Thank you!

Dear Committee Members,

First, I'll like to thank you for your time and consideration of my application to ________. I am writing this letter to request an appeal of a recent decision.

I applied for admissions as a transfer student to _______ early February. Upon completion of my application, I was asked to pay a processing fee. As a current _____ student, I was certain the application fees should be waivered. I decided to put the payment on hold and contact the undergraduate inquiries on this matter via email. I was notified back in two months and was told to have my current school send proof of documentations that I am currently enrolled. I was never notified with their decision to accept me on the month that followed when acceptance letters were being handed out. I called the admissions office and was informed by an admission counselor that the application I submitted was late and is the reason I was denied entry to ______.

Despite the mistakes and my decision that lead me here, I'll like to express how much getting accepted into your College would mean to me. I made a commitment and have set clear and concise goals to reach. I want to enter into Corporate Finance, which is not available at the school I am currently enrolled in. Last semester I used the ____ webpage to sign up for courses that'll fulfill the general requirements for _______ upon transferring. I feel ______ is the perfect place for me to grow while pursuing a degree in a subject I am most motivated about. I would not be happier anywhere else.

I respect your decision and I hope with this new information, you would reconsider my application. I appreciate you considering my request and I'll like to thank you for your time.

Sincerely yours,
kawsneffect   
Jul 6, 2013
Undergraduate / "I have a clear path and goal set"; Transfer appeal- Are you convinced? [13]

Pardon me for poor writing.

This is my last attempt to convince the committees that I shouldn't had been denied admission to the school. In my essay, I explained why my application was overlooked due to inadvertent circumstances. Any constructive criticism, feedback and assistants in editing my writing would be much appreciated. I urgently need to get into the school for the program. I planned out my goals. I've made the mistake of delaying my graduation by going through college without a major, taking classes from all various part of the spectrum and retaking failed classes. I'm done wasting time.

________ Undergraduate Admissions
Transfer Appeals Committee
____________________
Box _____
_______________17853

Dear Committee Members,

I applied for admissions as a transfer student to _________ early February. Upon completion of my application, I was asked to pay a processing fee. As a current _____ student, I was certain the fees would be waivered off. I contacted the admissions office on this matter only to get a response two month later telling me it was a mistake and to proceed with payment. While I did eventually get refunded, I was never notified with their decision to accept me on the month the acceptance letters were being handed out. I decided to follow up on this and called them. A counselor at the school told me that my application was received late on file and that it will not be reviewed. I explained to him my situation but all he could say was sorry, what you could do is go on the school's website and ask to defer my admission for the spring semester. This is why I am here writing a appeal.

I direly need to get accepted into your school for the fall 2013 semester. I have a clear path and goal set. I want to go into corporate finance. My current school does not offer that particular major/field. Last semester I purposely signed up for classes that meet the requirement for ____ College when transferring using the course evaulation webpage. I would hate to lose out on more time and be forced into a program at my current school just to graduate with a degree.

I really hope you'll reconsider me for reallocation. I would not be happier anywhere else.

Kindly yours,
kawsneffect   
Jul 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / Understanding Who we are! ; SAT Essay [6]

Good use of analogy. Maybe you'll like to share in a paragraph about how in your life experiences, you overcame difficult choices and discovered more about yourself in the process?
kawsneffect   
Jul 5, 2013
Grammar, Usage / 'Class who is absent..' - Which is more appropriate to say? [14]

Fardin

Hi, I would begin with the basics. Always capitalize the beginning letter after a period or when you begin a sentence. "I" is always capitalized . (ed) is past tense and is only used when something has happened already.

Ex.

I was smacked by my girlfriend.

"Was" indicates something occurred. "smack" was what occurred so you add an (ed)
kawsneffect   
Sep 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / Obamacare: Heading Down? (against the health care programs promoted) [5]

Affordable Care act (Obamacare) Yes, or no?

I'm not a great writer, and would love some assistance with my essay. I've started out with my intro. I'm not really satisfied with it. My thesis should support whether I am for or against obamacare. The body should explain my thesis, right? The essay shouldn't be more than 2 pages. Anyone can give me their output? Thanks in advance

Is Obamacare good or bad for the American public? This issue is still very much debatable. With the expense of accumulating more debt, the passing of the bill will provide the underprivileged with quality care they need, and a sense of security. I'm a firm supporter that everyone deserves adequate health care.
kawsneffect   
Sep 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / Traffic Congestion - The fundamental problem of modern cities [4]

Just a normal few minutes trip to the convenience store may take up to half an hour due to traffic jam or slowdown

This essay will talk about the causes of traffic congestion and the remedies that may help to improve the situation

Your thesis can be better written leading to your body paragraphs.

Not only it put a dent on the environment with the amount of greenhouse gases it produced, but also precious natural resources like gasoline and diesel are greatly exploited and wasted.

kawsneffect   
May 17, 2012
Research Papers / Effect of bullying - psych research paper Need help with outline intro [5]

I tweak it a little, anyone can give any insight/inputs?

There is a significant social problem amongst teenagers. For many years, concerns about bullying and its connection to school violence and depression have brought upon a nationwide attention. However, nothing is being done because people are under the assertion that bullying is just a normal part of growing up. Bullying is simply defined as a type of aggressive behavior that involves intent to cause harm, occur repeatedly, and involves a power imbalance (Olweus, 1999). It can include psychological, physical (involving kicking and punching), verbal (name calling/teasing) or cyber abuse (internet bully). In my discussion, I'll briefly talk about what influence bullying behaviors, what are some long-term effects of being bullied and what are some possible routes for change?
kawsneffect   
May 16, 2012
Research Papers / Effect of bullying - psych research paper Need help with outline intro [5]

This is my intro, any suggestions?

Everyday thousand of teens wake up terrified of attending school. About one in seven schools, a child is either a bully or a victim of bullying. Bullying is simply defined as a type of aggressive behavior that involves intent to cause harm and a power imbalance (Olweus, 1999). Bullying can range anywhere from psychological, physical (involving kicking and punching), verbal or cyber abuse. Today, we'll discuss what makes a victim a target of bullying, what are some of the health concerns and what are some possible routes for change.

Best,
kawsneffect   
May 15, 2012
Research Papers / Effect of bullying - psych research paper Need help with outline intro [5]

Intro

define bullying
briefly discuss different type of bullying? physical, verbal, cyber?
lead to thesis- who bullies target, health concerns of being bullied, routes to take for change.

Any suggestions on how I can start, and helping me break down on what I should write would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
kawsneffect   
May 15, 2012
Research Papers / 'Cloud computing' - research topics suggestions? [8]

A few interesting topics

-modeling of object dependencies in a NOSQL environment
-impact of latency on the economics of cloud computing (e.g. creating different markets which are cut off from each other because of latency issues).
kawsneffect   
May 7, 2012
Scholarship / 'my preachers, Charlie & Kathleen' - Op Left Scholarship Questions essay [3]

Who is the most interesting person you have ever met? What makes him or her interesting? (Answer must be between 80 and 120 words.)

The most interesting people I've meet in my life were my preachers, Charlie & Kathleen. Not only did they give me a reason to have faith in God, but they also taught me some level of maturity & morality. In a sense, they were sort of like a secondary parent to me. They would occasionally take my brothers and I to visit Kingdom hall, a sacred holding place for worshipping, similar to that of a church. They would take us out to movies, restaurants and events. I was even fortunate enough to visit the factory where they manufacture all the bibles and magazines. This was sincerely a blessing from God that I have had the opportunity to meet these two wonderful people.

What was your most challenging class in high school? What did you do to overcome the challenges? (Answer must be between 80 and 120 words.)

For me, the most challenging class in High school was Ap biology. My professor had a lot of expectation from me coming into his class because my older brother was a former student of his. I was already struggling to come on time, I performed borderline on exams & I was barely ever active in class. My professor made sure this was readily apparent to me.
kawsneffect   
Feb 12, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I found lack of academic challenges' - Transfer Essay [6]

When looking and applying to colleges As I was applying to colleges in my senior year of high school I thought I had found a perfect match at UNCW. During my two years spent here, I have met many great lifelong friends and had gained many new experiences that I would not trade for the world. However,....

At UNCW I have found a lack of academic challenges. I personally do my best when I am challenged in the classroom and I have not found that challenge here. Many of the students I meet here chose to attend UNCW solely to party and go to the beach. Honestly those are major reasons that I choose to attend UNCW. Since my freshman year I have matured a lot and my priorities have changed greatly. While I have realized that academics are not the top priority for many of the students here, and they seem to do the bare minimum to get by.

Rephrase this. Do not talk down on your school or the students at your school. Admission don't want to hear this. It makes them perceive you in a negative manner, and they surely won't admit someone who thinks like this.

I believe UNC offers...

UNC has been ranked as one of the top public university for its entire existence and is even considered a "Public Ivy" school. Being located in Research Triangle Park and having such a high reputation, Carolina has many advantages for networking and finding internships that can lead me into my future career.

Instead of sucking up to the school, talk about their programs offering, etc.
kawsneffect   
Feb 12, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I found lack of academic challenges' - Transfer Essay [6]

At UNCW, I have found a lack of academic challenges. I personally do my best when I am challenged in the classroom,and but I have not found that challenge here. Many of the students I meet here chose to attend UNCW solely to party and go to the beach.

You may want to rephrase this sentence differently. It sounds like you are talking down on your school.
kawsneffect   
Feb 8, 2012
Essays / I'm going to sit speaking test for muet... how to write essay effectively? [9]

Some shows that seem very educational are Sesame street....

I concur. Although the show is somewhat designed for children, it is statistically proven to improve one's language capability.
As for writing essays, I would say just start & understand the basic format (Intro, body & conclusion.)
kawsneffect   
Feb 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'unsure of my future route' - Why you want to transfer & what you hope to achieve [4]

I generated a pile of reasons on why i want to transfer. However, i am having difficulties getting started. This is just a rough draft, it may not make sense. Please excuse it.

Why you want to transfer & what you hope to achieve? 250 words -1000

Entering college, like many, I was unsure of my future route. I was taking a variety of general Ed classes to fulfill my Associate degree for Liberal Arts & Science. ( I still haven't found my study of interest, How should i continue my sentence)

I have lived and commute in the city my entire life. I want to be able to experience a more rural / surburan environment. I want to live independently & develop responsibilities. I want a larger school for research/internship opportunities. All of this attributes to my reason for transferring. My school doesn't offer afterschool programs, only during specific days & hours. I feel this limit the students chance to become interactive around campus. In X school, i read that there is always something to do, whether it's an event or an concert. I want to be actively involved.

What else can i include? Please help!!

Thanks in advance.
kawsneffect   
Feb 2, 2012
Scholarship / Scholarship Introduction: Right to the point or an anecdote? [6]

The only critique i have is don't make it generic. Be specific-talk about your volunteer experience. What did you do? How did it impact you for the better? Same goes for your work experience.

Best of luck!
kawsneffect   
Jan 19, 2012
Letters / (summer internship program) - Cover letter for position at Museum [3]

Hi all,

Basically the cover letter needs to include why i would be a good candidate for the job and what I hope to gain from the experience. Critiques, comments, improvements are all welcome. Thanks

Dear Meep intern recruiters,

I am writing in response to the opening position for Museum Education and employment program summer internship.
I believe my experience with customer service at my previous job, Keyfood will make me an ideal candidate for this opening. I'd like to think I am a humanitarian. I have worked with many customers on a day-to-day basis, am extremely patient & want nothing more than to see them walk out happy at the end of the day. I am punctual, responsible and I adapt to task relatively quick.

The opportunity to be employed here will help better explore my field of interest before I am really to be fully committed. i hope to equipped the skills and knowledge i learn to my future careers.

If given the opportunity to be apart of your program, I will establish myself to be a great asset for the team and for the business. I have attached my resume for your review. If you have any further questions or requests, feel free to contact me by email at ---------------- or by phone at ------------. Thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you in the coming weeks.

Best regards,
kawsneffect   
Oct 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / "Honoring your parents" - my unexamined belief essay? [9]

my teacher said my essay is good but superficial
how can i shift from talking about myself to seeing whether that helps me analyze motives
like what should i write
examples, ideas would be helpful
thanks