Undergraduate / Rice University, Chinese culture, perspective, well-rounded [7]

Hi there! Thanks for commenting on my thread by the way. I deleted it because I got all the edits I needed.
Anyhow, for your essay, I made a lot of edits. Just some grammar stuff and sentence wording was a little off. Also, one big suggestion I have for you: just say what you are meaning to say. I feel like you were trying to use fancy words and flowing sentences, but it is hard to tell what you are actually saying. Basically, you are trying to say that there is a link between everything we do in our lives, and that link is something that fascinates you. So just say something direct like that rather than

"various parts complemented with each other and those fragments connected, mixed, interweaved, creating a balanced Chinese painting."
^ I get what you are trying to say there, but it is just confusing and uses too many words. All you need to say to get you point across in that sentence is "Various part of my life complement eachother."

Good luck though and I hope this advice helps! Your essay is on a very good topic and will be great once you clean it up a bit!

Undergraduate / "Goose bumps" - Stanford Intellectual Vitality essay [3]

I would have to agree with Nisha that it is not quite personal enough. I am working on the same essay right now and am struggling to work my personal experiences into it too. I like your idea, I would focus less though on animals/evolution and more on why goosebumps are so fascinating to you. How do you express your fascination? Do you like to feel them as you brush your hand over your arm, do you to (this sounds weird) photograph them? I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

Anyhow, I would really appreciate it if you would take a look at my essay for this prompt. I actually have two that I am trying to decide on for. One is more personal than the other, but I feel that the "less personal" one is more well written. Thanks and good luck!!

Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [13]

This essay is pretty good! It's a unique topic and kind of unexpected.

The only suggestion I have is that you maybe show how you were optimistic about things other than getting free coffee and a cool story to tell people. <--- that seems kind of...I don't know...shallow? Like now you can go brag to kids at your school that you got "run over"? I know that was not your intent at all, I'm just trying to be honest about how it came off to me. I would maybe say that whole incident made you feel optimistic by showing you how lucky you were for not getting hurt worse, how you appreciate life all the more, etc.... If you want to still keep it light-hearted, maybe just delete the part about the "intriguing story" you now had to tell.

Hope that helped!!

Undergraduate / "Dimples and the outrageous nature of celebrity gossip" - Personal Statement [8]

wow. very excellent essay and so unique! so funny! I would agree though that it does not really reveal much about you. I would most definately try to incorporate more about you.

I still think this is such an awesome essay though!

Undergraduate / "What does it take to be Human?" Stanford Supplemental Essay [10]

For the content, I would say that it is all pretty interesting and well written. The only alterations I would make are:

take out the "geeks" part. It just isn't coming off right to me and is almost a little demeaning to those that are really into computers. Not all of them are geeks per say. Reword it to say "computer geniuses" or "computer_______ (insert something else)"

you also say "...to give birth to this new, self-sufficient species that we so dream to have." I think that is a little too generalized because it is actually one of those big debates like stem cell research. Not EVERYONE is supportive of scientific investigation in these matters. I would say:

"...to give birth to this new, self-sufficient species that many (or some) of us so dream to have."

Good topic though. I think it is pretty unique.

Undergraduate / "What does it take to be Human?" Stanford Supplemental Essay [10]

I agree with others that this is a good essay. I just read "Frankenstein" in english and this reminds me of the scientist who created the monster. Anyhow, maybe you could make some tie to that if you have the room.

Also, to me personally, this is kind of a scary concept. I am interested in pursuing science in collge as well, but I almost feel that trying to create life is taboo and messing with the powers of our Creator (or whatever name call it). I don't know if it will come off to admissions officers the same way, but I might just be paranoid because I was freaked out by "Frankenstein."

Best of luck though and is an interesting topic!

Undergraduate / I seek truth. My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am. [10]

Your revised version seems better but I would personally stay away from a religious matter like this all together. You never know how an admissions officer may feel about this and you absolutely do not want to offend them.

However, it seems that you are very passionate about this topic, and if you must keep it, I suggest that you reword or completely delete the following sentence:

As it was, I came to the conclusion that god was an unnecessary prescription to the function of the world.

I am not a religious person at all but this statement comes off as potentially very offensive. I also think your essay is a little too much like "what I believe is the truth and what you believe isn't." Maybe try to work in a sentence or two that you are open to other possibilities. Otherwise, college admissions officers may see you as closed minded.

Undergraduate / "He struggles with reading and writing" - Common app- Personal issue about brother [2]

hello there,
you have a really great intro. It is very attention grabing!
I really like your essay overall. it is a unique topic. however, you don't start discussing yourself until the 5th paragraph and spent all of the previous paragraphs describing your brother. I would try to shorten the description of your brother a little...

Also, I have one grammatical suggestion:
Although it was gratifying to help average students, I really wanted to help those who needed it the most:the disabled. (i think a colon is more appropriate there)

As for the closing sentence, I would try to tie in the introduction's image of your brother "flipping page after page" in his room. Maybe you could say something like "I dedicate myself to helping people flip the pages of their lives/struggles until they reach a point where they can do it on their own..." Something a little more sophisticated than that, but I hope you can see what I am getting at.

Undergraduate / "I acquired Emily and Melanie as step-sisters" - a person who has had an influence [4]

Hi, I have a few suggestions for your essay.

I may have not been a loner...("loner" seems a little slang and demeaning. maybe use a different word?)
It was not until Emily and Melanie became my step-sisters that I became someone worth knowing. ("acquire" seems like you possessed them like you would an object)

Aside from Emily and Melanie's help in shaping my personality, the two also served as great friends. (you wrote "two" twice and it was redundant)

...is because of them that I have excelled academically and socially. (you use "two" a lot so maybe try to vary it a little)

...they're my inspiration, they always have been and they always will be. (this last sentaence seems a little cliche to me...it migiht just be me)

It seems that you are using past tense to describe your two stepsisters. ie. "Emily and Melanie were complete opposites; Emily was very feminine..." Shouldn't you use present tense? Or have their personalities changed since then?

Other than that, you essay was pretty good.

Undergraduate / "When I was in China" - UC Prompt #1 : Deuce [2]

Hi, I looked over your essay and I have a few suggestions.

Deuce is an Asian playing card game where four players attempt to get rid of their cards the fastest to avoid being last.
In that respect, I saw my dad as a cunning fox. (this somehow seems akward to me...maybe use another metaphor...)
However, every morning, I picked up a copy of the SF Examiner and always went to the Economy page. ("headed" is too informal and slang. I'm not sure if it's even a real word)

During high school, by chance, I reunited with deuce. I saw it being played in the cafeteria in the mornings I arrived early to school.

I aspire to be a stock trader on Wall Street (no comma here) because I like the idea of hunting for good stocks and disposing of depreciating stocks.

Almost every morning, I (delete "always" because it is redundant of when you said "every morning") basked in the glory of not losing, starting my day in a good mood for class.

Everything else looks pretty good!