Posts by essceejay216

essceejay216

Dec 17, 2010

Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [14]

It doesn't flow very well. There are no transitions into new topics. It doesn't read as one unified piece, it reads like a list. You don't want that. You should not change what you wrote about if those are really things that you want to express, but changing how these ideas are presented could really help. Changing the order could help. The last paragraph seems a teeny bit more put together than the first one.

The prompt asks you to write a letter to your future roomate, correct? Well, you need to keep in mind that a letter to your roomate will probably have to be a little different from a regular college essay. It's basically trying to figure out who you are. It may help if you read your letter from the perspective of your roomate. Think of what kind of letter you would want to get from a roomate that you have never met before and will probably be spending the first year of college with.

essceejay216

Nov 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [13]

That's a run-on sentence. I don't think I get what you mean by "My eyes are open to the world" either. Maybe you could change the sentence to something like "I know that I will come across difficulties in the future, but my outlook on life ensures that I will be able to deal with them."

And make sure that you don't have a lot of contractions in your statement, like "I'll".

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / Independent Study Experience - Prompt 2 UC Personal Statement [5]

jrecarpenter

No, there wasn't a specific organization in charge of my independent study. IS is an alternative offered at my high school. So, I don't know if that should be added into the actual essay, because the schools can see from my transcripts what school I went to.

I think that you are right about the anecdote. I could definitely find a way to add one in.

Thank you so much!

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / Independent Study Experience - Prompt 2 UC Personal Statement [5]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I have been an Independent Study student for the entirety of my high school career. I was skeptical about it at first, I did not think that it would measure up to the traditional high school experience. However, I has turned out to be a defining experience for me. As expected, IS has helped me become more independent, but it has been beneficial in other ways also.

I have always excelled in school. However, when I entered Independent Study and started to struggle, I found a great flaw: I lacked the ability to be truly self-sufficient. I depended too much on the leadership of my teachers to stay on track. I found that in some ways, my traditional school experience handicapped me.

Independent Study challenged me in ways that I had not been challenged before. I still had teachers, but independent study calls for independent students. I was obligated to keep track of my own schedule. Task prioritization and time management took the front seat in my life.

Though I could have went back to regular school, I decided not to. IS gave me the opportunity to graduate early. Staying in high school a year longer did not seem logical to me, even with the extracurricular opportunities. Besides, Independent Study gave me the time to take some college courses. In being an IS student, I learned the importance of time and going back to regular school seemed like a waste of it.

All in all, both the experiences of traditional school and IS made me the best student that I can be. I am more independent, better at time management, and have college credit because of IS. I do not believe that my being in Independent Study has deprived me of any skills that I need to be successful in college. If anything, I am a much better student because of this experience.

Please give me your honest opinions. If anything can be cut out completely, then tell me. I'm 31 words over my word count limit. Thanks :)

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "Angry Serbian Women"- Common Application Essay [4]

My assimilation into Serbian society, though tremulous, was not as unfathomably difficult as expected. My return to America two years later was.
-this sentence should not just be floating in your essay. be mindful of essay format.

It was as though my previous eccentricities had been, unbeknownst to me, amplified by this newfound cultural identity that engaged in an effective symbiosis with the very characteristics that had originally set me so far apart from others.

-what "newfound cultural identity" are you referring to?

Since then, I have strived to perfect the illusion of normalcy and conformity.
-since when? when is "then" referring to?

You are, obviously, a great writer. However, you have to remember that these people that are reading your essays are not you. They may not think like you think. You should make this as understandable as possible for those people. I'm not speaking in terms of vocabulary, but in terms of the flow of the thoughts. Make sure you make the transition from one thought to another as smooth as possible.

I love this essay, it is pretty awesome. Whatever you do, don't tweak it too much. Just a teeny bit of revision should do.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)
btw.. could you check out mine too? i could really use the feedback.

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "A Doctoring of Perspective" Texas Issue of Importance Common App Essay [3]

One could say that in today's ever expanding global economy, there are a near infinite amount of career paths available; an occupation to fill any need.

The career paths available in today's ever-expanding global economy are nearly infinite; there is an occupation to fill any need.

- Remember:Both the sentences preceding and following a semicolon have to be independent clauses.

But consider an occupation whose daily reward far surpasses the joy elicited by any paycheck.

- Never begin a sentence with a conjunction (and, but, or).

That, of course, is the charge of a physician.

-Explain what "that" is. You're referring to an entire sentence with "that". You want to tell the reader specifically what you are talking about. Though, changing "that" to "this" would help.

And although there is somewhere in the ballpark of 567,000 practicing physicians in the United States, one Cardiologist however has played a pivotal role in my life ~~as professional role model and family friend~~ .

Suggestion: Although there are around 567,000 practicing physicians in the United States, there is only one in particular that has played a pivotal role in my life.

Suggestions:
Dr. Hector Urrutia was born in 1940 to a meager coffee farmer in the district of Tacuba, El Salvador. Never having much monetarily, Dr. Urrutia realized early on the importance of a quality education.

To come from such a humble background, and through hard work and determination, become a beacon of hope and aid to the community is a poignant achievement that I find incredibly inspiring. (this needs to be reworded. it's not as clear as it could be.)

Although my prospective specialty has changed periodically, my ultimate aim has never wavered. Even as a young child I accepted the fact that I could never be completely satisfied doing anything else. (this needs to be reworded.) Dr. Hector Urrutia's story has only reinforced my adamant goal of one day practicing medicine myself.

Today, Dr. Urrutia is a distinguished Cardiologist in the Rio Grande Valley.

While it is common knowledge that physicians earn a substantial paycheck, I think that the knowledge that your medical prowess has meant the difference between life and death for hundreds of individuals is greater than any monetary reward.

The job of a physician is never an easy one; bad news is often delivered on a daily basis and calamity often strikes at all hours of the day and night, requiring doctors to work long and irregular hours. (major run-on sentence)

Great topic! I like the way you ended it. You just have to work on the grammar and you'll be all right.

Good Luck!! Hope I helped :)
btw, could you check out mine too?? i could really use the feedback. thanks :)

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "Foundations, earthquakes in California" - my world [9]

Re: angelusfanatic
If you have other critiques, I would appreciate seeing them. I'm trying to make as many revisions as I can at once, so it'll probably be best to change the essay and then show it to you for more changes. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks :)

Re: MarleyWH
What I mean by "I followed suit" is that I also took on leadership roles in our household. I don't really know how to reword it. Any suggestions??

My mother never hid her financial struggles from us and I got my first huge dose of reality. I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This reality made me grow up very quickly.

I changed this to "My mother never hid her financial struggles from us. At that point, I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This realization made me grow up very quickly."

I don't know if that's good enough, so any other suggestions will be appreciated :)

Please do add anything else that could help me.

Thanks a lot for your help :)

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [13]

I aim to come out stronger from every experience and from this solitary drive I have learned the value of intrinsic solitude.
intrinsic means natural, or inherent. therefore, you cannot learn intrinsic solitude. i get what you are trying to say, but try to be more clear. You could probably say something like: From this solitary drive, I have learned the value of true peace. Or something like that.

This unique experience has allowed me to subdue my hyperactive personality and be proud of the transition I have made into a calmer human being.

This sentence seems to be out of place. It isn't cohesive with the rest of the essay. You kind of went off to another subject. Instead of supporting your optimism, it seems like you veer off into how you became a calmer person. Maybe it would make more sense if you put this sentence immediately after [the revised version of]the sentence "I aim to come out stronger from every experience and from this solitary drive I have learned the value of intrinsic solitude."

My eyes are now open to the world and I can see that the sun is always shinning with the color of life.

"shining" is spelled wrong.

"my eyes are now open to the world" implies that you are just now becoming optimistic about things and i don't think that this is what you are trying to relay.

in addition, i think that you should really be more straightforward with this statement. say what you really mean in plain speech.

essceejay216

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [13]

As far as tying in how your outlook on life translates to being successful in college, I do not think that you actually need to include that story about the school newspaper. It is not really a good example of how your optimism works for you, it's more of an example of how determined you are. Plus, it's a really long story and you have your word count and everything.

You could change the sentence "Although I still face hardships, my optimistic perspective allows me to better deal with them." with something like: Although there are many challenges that will come may way in the future, my optimistic perspective will help me to deal with them.

Something like that. I know that it's not the greatest sentence in the world, but it's an idea..

Hope I helped a little :)

essceejay216

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "Only Personal Business" - talent, experience, UC Prompt #2 [3]

You didn't get to the point until the very end of the essay. The conclusion should be the end, not where you introduce new information.

Where you put all of those questions (that weren't really questions) was kind of odd. I would probably change those into statements. It would help with the flow better and probably add some more meaning to the essay. And why did you scream "now"? That definitely shouldn't have been in all caps. Remember that this is a formal essay. You should refrain from using contractions also.

It would probably help you if you wrote an outline and got your thoughts in order. It is a great topic, you just have to change the way you relay it. Read it and see if changing the order helps. Be clearer in the things that you are trying to say.

Also, pay attention to the actual structure of your essay. Paragraphs are started by topic sentences. Supporting sentences explain the topic sentence. This will probably help your clarity also.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)

essceejay216

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "Interest in caring for animals" - my school, family, community [4]

I admit, I did not read the entire thing. It is a lot. But from what I can tell, it isn't a totally lost cause.

The first prompt should be about you and where you come from and how that has influenced you. Talk about your life, your family, what motivates you. Do not go into detail about those two organizations you talked about or academics. They can tell what kind of student you are from your transcripts. You want them to get a glimpse of who you are as a whole, not just as a student or animal caretaker. I find that you focused on one specific experience in this essay, but that will not cut it for the first prompt.

I see that you wrote a lot about your involvement with 4-H and FFA. I would suggest that you use this experience for the second UC prompt being that it doesn't answer the first prompt. That way, it would be okay to go into depth about it because it would satisfy the prompt.

Good Luck! I hope I helped :)

essceejay216

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [13]

While many would find this a great inconvenience, I have realized that there are many advantages.

When I made the trips with my parents, ~~who met in Willows,~~ it gave me time to bond with them that otherwise may not have been possible ; we were able to talk free of distractions.

In addition, I also got the chance to have adventures with my Mom that I otherwise would have been unable to have~~due to economic circumstances.~~

Since she did not have to pay for my day to day expenses, we were able to go on vacations and visit new places.This is when my love for big cities and beaches was born.

This unique experience has also led me to learn more about myself .

Through every situation I always look for the brighter side of the situation.
I always look for the brighter side of every situation.

Although I still face hardships,~~the fact that~~ my optimistic perspective allows me to better deal with them . ~~gives me pride in my optimism in a society where the majority of people favor cynicism.~~

Being an optimist has allowed me to understand that everything happens for a reason.

and that even when it rains, when you see the sun, there is still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life. (I don't know how to rephrase this. I know what you are trying to say, but it isn't as clear as it could be.)

overall, i love this essay, especially the second paragraph :)

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)

ps.. could you read mine too?? I could really use the feedback.

essceejay216

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / Additional info essay - Tourette's Syndrome [4]

I like the essay overall. It's inspiring and awesome. FYI, if this is for UC, I think it could definitely fall under the second prompt. But that's neither here nor there :)

However, there are a lot of run-on sentences:

I have not yet had the opportunity in my application to discuss a very important thing in my life that has actually had a great impact on who I am today, and I will take that chance here.

My friends didn't seem to mind, and at the time neither did I, I was just another happy kid.

I grew angry and my tics grew worse, it hurt me not only mentally but physically, sore from all the twisting and hoarse from all the yelling.

The tic is a terrible thing, it is voluntary, yet voluntary in the way marching with a gun at your back is voluntary.

I have tics today, but they no longer interfere with my life, I can control them when I need to, and let them out when I can.

Other small errors:

However, as the years progressed my parents had a hard time; both being doctors they felt helpless not being able to help their own son.

However, as the years progressed, my parents had a hard time. Both being doctors, they felt useless not being able to help their own son.

While it seemed to help, my teachers begged my parents for the old Marley back, they liked the quick-witted little boy (albeit disruptive) much better than the somber and quiet one.

Though it seemed to help, my teachers begged my parents for the old Marley back. They liked the quick-witted, albeit disruptive, little boy much better than the somber and quiet one.

I find that you use semicolons when they should not be used and don't use them when they can be used. But it should be great if you just read through it and make some corrections.

Hope I helped :)
btw, can you read mine too? i could really use some feedback.

essceejay216

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / Harry Potter and Corduroy, Laura's world and dreams [5]

Remember to always answer the prompt. It asks you to tell about where you come from and how it has affected you. When you write a personal essay, you want to show the school who you are as a person, not just as a student. You would probably want to stray away from putting too much emphasis on academics and more onto who you are. Your grades and test scores most likely already show that you are a good student. In the personal essay, you tell them things that they cannot tell from reading your transcripts.

Also, it seems like your writing is a little jumpy and disorganized. At one point you state that your mother reads at a second grade level. Then, you began the last paragraph with "realizing the extent of my mom's illiteracy" as if you did not already know that she was illiterate. Moreover, you have to remember that this is about you, not your mother. Everything you say about your mother should be only to show who you are and how she has affected you.

For the most part, the essay seems sort of rushed and like you were just trying to fill a word count requirement. It's all about substance. A lot of words does not make a good essay. I suggest that you write an outline so that all of your thoughts are organized and then see how you can improve from there.

The opening does not feel sincere or seem that interesting. Anecdotal introductions work sometimes, but do not think that it is the only way to begin a great essay.

Remember that the last paragraph is the conclusion of your essay, where everything comes together. Basically, it should be a summary. Do not try to compile a lot of new information into your last paragraph.

Overall, I think that you have a good start. Really read it. If you do not like something about it, take it out. Chances are that if you do not like it, then admissions will not care too much for it either.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)
Check out my statement too?? I could totally use the feedback.

essceejay216

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "Foundations, earthquakes in California" - my world [9]

Prompt # 1 - Describe the world you came from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Earthquakes can cause a lot of damage. Having lived in California my entire life, I am familiar with earthquakes. They can be the cause of both the cracks in the pavement and the total destruction of buildings. Still, there are buildings that withstand these same shakes without being affected by them. My grandfather, who has worked in construction for most of his life, once explained to me, "Foundation is everything. Without a strong enough foundation, everything comes falling down." I find that this also holds true for people. However, a person's foundation is not made of cement and steel. The things that keep people from breaking down are their beliefs and ideals. The more adamant a person is about who they are and what they stand for, the stronger their foundation; there is a better chance that they will not break when they have to deal with a shaky situation. My foundation is greatly influenced by my experiences and the people that have been with me through them. These factors make me who I am and are the reasons why I remain strong despite adversity.

My family is a huge part of who I am. I come from a large family; I am one of five children. My mother ran a pretty tight ship since there was so many of us. There was barely any tolerance for noncooperation, so we all learned quickly to do as we were told. I learned to be a part of a group because of this. Although my siblings and I had our disagreements, we knew how to come together to complete a goal. I also learned how to deal with different types of people. Even though my siblings and I were raised in the same household, we are extremely different from one another. Coming from such a large family has proved to be a great advantage for me in meeting new people and being in groups. There is absolutely no way that I could have been who I am today under any other circumstances.

My family life is also the reason that I matured at a young age. I grew up pretty fast mentally and emotionally, mostly because I had to. My parents divorced when I was four. My dad moved out and my mother was left to be our primary provider. At one point, she was working three jobs and could not be at home as much. My older siblings took on more prominent leadership roles in our house, so I followed suit. This is when I learned how important it is to be strong in both good and bad times. My mother never hid her financial struggles from us and I got my first huge dose of reality. I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This reality made me grow up very quickly.

That same reality has also motivated me to work to be better than what I see around me. I know that I am capable of being successful. Neither my mother nor my father finished college, and I believe that it is the root of many of the things we went through. Though some people would think that I am at a disadvantage because of my parents' shortcomings, I think that I was lucky to grow up under these conditions. Since my parents did fall short in their educations, they want better for us. "The mind is a terrible thing to waste" was one of the sayings that I heard a lot from my parents. I especially heard this when I did something that they did not approve of. They also taught me that I can only get out of something what I put into it. Apparently, when people do not have something, they understand its importance and worth far better than the people who do have it; "To comprehend a nectar requires sorest need." The shortcomings of my parents have lifted me up and made me a better person.

Just like the earthquakes in California, life's difficulties are abundant and of varying intensity. It is imperative that we have a strong enough foundation to stand on. My foundation is built upon where I come from and what I have learned from it. Luckily, I have other people's experiences to learn from as well as my own. I have grown as an individual and developed my own values because of these lessons learned. Everyone is a product of their environment and I am no exception.