Undergraduate /
"Basketball: endure a little longer" - choose one extracurricular activity [6]
Nisha bala's advice is pretty comprehensive, so I'm just gonna add to it.
Yeah, get rid of the first couple of sentences. Maybe show them more than tell
"It was the 1998 NBA finals between Chicago Bulls and Utah Jazz, and I was mesmerized. The passion, the physical collision between players, the powerful dunks, the electrifying speed - everything about that series locked my eyes onto the basketball players and their performances, to give me an exhilerating first experience with basketball. , and that was my first true impression about basketball and I knew I was addicted. Before I knew it, I was addicted."
could read as below:
"I sat with my eyes glued to the television, mesmerized by the powerful dunks, the electrifying speed. It was the 1998 NBA Finals between Chicago Bulls and Utah Jazz - my first taste of basketball had me hooked."
Its more concise, and leaves out some parts I was unsure about, like the physical collisions and eyes locked part.
"I threw myself into
the basketball". Unless you actually threw yourself into a ball :P
"the difficult, grinding fundamentals" -> "I struggled with the fundamentals. I would shoot the ball till my arms hurt, and run across the court till I collapsed."
This sentence sounds slightly odd because it doesn't maintain a tense:
"My passion towards the game of basketball never ends; even though when I suffered a severe injury on my right knee in Grade 11"
"My motto in basketball is to always" endure a little longer". Regarding this motto as my newfound inner strength, I was able to follow my own "
"My basketball motto, "endure a little longer", gave me strength. I was able to follow...Otherwise, really nice, moving piece.
Could you two please help me with the essay linked below? Thanks