Unanswered [13] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Shandana
Joined: Dec 22, 2010
Last Post: Feb 1, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 12  

From: Denmark

Displayed posts: 16
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Shandana   
Feb 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "A service trip to Cambodia" - U OF MICHIGAN SHORT QN - Community [4]

a student, a daughter, a musician, an artist and so on

cut "and so on"
maybe make it
a student and a daughter, a musician and an artist.

much more than what fate would have intended for them

much more than fate intended for them

I belong to a community driven by motivation and aspirations

aspiration - so that both motivation and aspiration are singular

In this community, I can be of any societal standing and wealth, I belong because I crave for more and believe that I can achieve what I want as long as I try.

In this society, I can be of any societal standing and class. I belong because I desire more than what may seem possible, and because I believe that I can achieve anything as long as I put my mind to it. Here, nothing is impossible.
Shandana   
Feb 1, 2011
Undergraduate / I want to be a leader. Why Oxford essay [5]

I really like your essay
I don't think you need the last two sentences though, because the paragraph before acts as a really good conclusion.
Shandana   
Feb 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "To become a news journalist" - Why Hobart and William Smith [NEW]

Please write and attach a brief statement (150 words or less) about why you believe Hobart and William Smith Colleges are a good match for your academic and personal goals.

My personal and academic goals are strongly intertwined: I dream of being a news journalist. Amongst the strongest courses I have found that would help me achieve this is the Media and Society major offered at Hobart and William Smith. The classes offered on propaganda seem especially interesting to me, as one of the aspects of my IB History course that has intrigued me the most is the use of propaganda by twentieth century European dictators. 1976 HWS alum Dorothy Wickenden is an embodiment of the foundation for success provided by HWS. While I am unsure about the particulars of my future career, I certainly hope to accomplish something as notable as being Executive Editor of The New Yorker. If accepted to HWS, I would be assured that the education I receive would prepare me for effectively tackling the world of journalism, and help me find success in my career.
Shandana   
Jan 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'nuclear family'; The extended family becomes less important than in the past [2]

I don't know if you want to follow this rule, but my English teacher told me never to start a sentence with "however".

my parents were too busy with their works to

too busy with their work - singular, not plural

I would rewrite the conclusion. Perhaps you could focus on how the benefits of the extended family outweigh the benefits of a nuclear family.
Shandana   
Jan 30, 2011
Essays / Length of personal statement [8]

Yeah, just write it, and then edit it for as long as you have before the deadline. Mine started off about three pages, and what I submitted was half the length.

Word-vomit first, then clean it up it later :P
Shandana   
Jan 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "the vast diversity and ... my cousin" - Why Franklin and Marshall [4]

Edit:

When my cousin enrolled at Franklin and Marshall in around 2002, I was not even ten years old, and nowhere near thinking about my own college search. Between 2002 and now, several people I know have graduated from the College, and all of them have loved their experiences there. When I was finally ready to start researching colleges, Franklin ...

SEE BELOW

donrocks - thanks for your comments, some of which I have taken into consideration.
Shandana   
Jan 22, 2011
Undergraduate / "the vast diversity and ... my cousin" - Why Franklin and Marshall [4]

How did you first hear about Franklin and Marshall and why did you choose to apply?

I first heard about Franklin and Marshall when my cousin enrolled at the College in around 2002. At that time, I was nowhere near thinking about looking for colleges for myself, so the name was quickly pushed to the back of my mind. Since then, my cousin and several friends have graduated from Franklin and Marshall. All of them loved their experiences there. Needless to say, when I was finally ready to start searching for colleges to...

I am certain that both Benjamin Franklin and John Marshall are incredibly interesting men, but given the choice, I would choose to Franklin to be my dinner companioninvite Franklin to be my dinner partner. Though he is more famous for his inventions and scientific investigations, I would enjoy talking to him about newspapers and the media. He was a newspaper editor and publisher, and I would love to pick his brain for any suggestions he has for a budding journalist. Of course, any advice from him would need to be adapted to the modern world where the art of print journalism seems to be dying out, but a conversation with him about the topic would nonetheless be very informative. It would be interesting to know what he thinks of today's popular media, including blogs, tweets, and even CNN's iReport, all of which allow ordinary people to become reporters and social activists. Would he see these phenomena as harmful to traditional media like newspapers, or a natural step in the development of interactions between society and media? Once all the talking is out of the way, I think that it would be quite fun to play some guitar with him, as I have read that he was an accomplished guitarist. He could teach me a favourite song of his, and I could teach him one of mine, perhaps Green Day's classic "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)".

--

Some help with a concluding sentence would be awesome.
Shandana   
Jan 12, 2011
Undergraduate / "passion for animals" - Clark Supplement [6]

Clark's motto is: 'Challenge Convention and Change Our World,' and it means something different to each member of the Clark University community. In what ways have you embraced the Clark motto in your own life, or how would you like to in the future?

My passion for animals has inspired me to embrace this motto multiple times during my life. As a young child visiting the Islamabad zoo, while other children threw rocks at hyenas, I was appalled by the dreadful conditions suffered by the majestic creatures. While other children wrote to Santa Claus asking for toys, I asked my mother for the zoo administrator's address, and wrote him a letter pleading for better conditions for the elephants. Today, I continue to sign my name on various letters of protest sent out by PETA.

A few years ago, I chose to give up eating meat. Though in western culture, this may not seem significant, when I visit Pakistan, both friends and family question my decision. Meat consumption is a status symbol there, and my refusal to eat it puzzles many. Nevertheless, I continue to munch on carrot sticks while they salivate over chicken-wings.

While some may argue that one person giving up meat makes no difference and my pro-animal rights stance is insignificant, I can smile and say that I have changed the world for at least two animals: Milou, my shelter dog, and Limpi, my street cat.

I'm not sure about the last sentence - it doesn't seem to fit in, but I couldn't think of another way to end it. Any suggestions?
Shandana   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "to become a journalist" - Why Columbia [5]

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why:
1500 characters

It would not be honest of me to start this essay with anything but Columbia's attractive location in New York City. The prospect of studying at a fine institution in the heart of one of the world's most exciting cities would be a dream come true. My ultimate career goal is to become a journalist, and I am certain that the quality of education offered at Columbia will endow me with the skills necessary to become a successful one. I have been researching 'The Core Curriculum' of undergraduate studies at the University, and am convinced that it will offer me a breadth of knowledge and understanding of current affairs while helping me develop the insight and communication skills that every journalist needs. The prospect of attending a university where leading intellectuals, newsmakers, and shapers of policy are guest speakers is an exciting prospect for an aspiring female journalist from a country with a complex relationship with the USA. The most appealing aspect of Columbia for me is the manner in which the university embraces viewpoints that go against popular opinion in order to allow students to form their own conclusions. Inviting President Ahmadinejad to speak was a controversial decision, but one that the University did not shy away from. It is this diversity, not only in terms of students and their cultural backgrounds, but also in terms of thought and ideology, that makes me aspire to be a part of Columbia's student body.
Shandana   
Dec 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "Haemangiomas" - evaluating a significant experience and its impact on you [3]

I think maybe you could tone down your language a bit - are you sure you want to say buffoon in an admissions essay?

And I love that you mention Shehzad Roy. Perhaps you could give a bit more detail about his foundation, and link it up to yourself. For example, you could say that like him and Abrar ul-Haq, you hope to end up in a position where you can give back to those less fortunate (and we know that there's many people who need help in Pakistan).

Hope that helps (L
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