Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: How band helped me realize how change can be good [13]

The plan that I had set for my life was changing, and there was nothing I could do about it. how did it change? what was your original plan? Despite these negativestry looking for a better word choice , I knew that moving would be ...

... such a focal point of my life and shape so much ofme into who I am today.

You should try incorporating the idea in the next paragraph in your thesis so that they know that you're going to talk about the difficulties at home before you go into how the school shaped you

My parents' goal was to buy a bigger home;.yet,we ended up renting a house instead of buying one, since my dad could not find a well paying job for a while.However, because my dad could not find a well-playing job, we ended up renting a house instead of buying the house we imagined.use transition to the next idea

Try transitioning from the prior paragraph into this one
It was no surprise that I did not like my new school. ...
...the available classes was incompatible to my assorted interests?

I decided to try out for the marching band and I'm so glad that I did. why were you glad? what happened in the audition that made you grow into one of the woodwind captains in the band?

I have also gained invaluable friendships, while gaining confidence in myself as a person and a performer. Inside the paragraph I think you should show how you gained your confidence, what experiences in the band enabled you to mature?

Good ideas overall, however, to strengthen your essay i think you should explain how the school/band developed you (show rather than tell).

btw thxs for reading my essay :)

Undergraduate / "A Devil's Bargain"-Duke Engineering Essay [4]

Very creative approach, and extremely entertaining as well :) couldn't help laughing when I read the first sentence of your second paragraph

i also agree with blackpixel--selling your soul sounds a little iffy
i think saying "four years of my life" is good, but you will have to also change your last sentence.

Undergraduate / The pessimists and the optimists: two types of people chicago essay [9]

New Version: (made changes at the end. did i make it personal enough? criticize as much as you want)

The pessimists and the optimists; the confident and the subservient; the selfish and the selfless are a few examples of how others divide society. But to me, society can be categorized by two types: the Nows and the Laters.

The Nows' obsession with the "now" stems from their desire for immediate gratification. They are the ones who are entranced by the television screen, watching movies or playing video games into the morning of the next day. They are the ones who spend their money without forethought on new clothes, shoes, or tools. Nows immerse themselves in their instincts and emotions: following the irrational rather than the rational. Adhering to the principles of Dionysus-Greek god of wine, pleasure, and ecstasy, the Nows are the modern Dionysians. But does this mean every Now is impulsive? Is a spender or an addict? No. The universal definition of a Now is a person who enjoys the "now" regardless of what the past or the future holds. Enjoying the simplest of moments, the Nows spend the time to wake up early in the morning, take out a chair, and watch the warm hues of the sun color the sky. As in the Tao of Pooh, they flow along with the river, wherever it leads.

The Laters are to Nows as light is to dark. While the Nows are bound to the gratification of the present, the Laters are bound by their anxiety over the future. Constantly running, they focus on the horizon. They are the ones who study during breaks with their heads immersed in a textbook. They are the ones who have set goals and plans for the future. Unlike the Nows, the Laters know who they are and what they want to be. Indeed, every moment is a time to achieve or grow. If Nows are the modern Dionysians, then the Laters are the modern Apollonians: the Greek God of intellect, prophecy, and healing. Focusing on greater heights and advancements, the Laters want to be doctors, lawyers, and scientists. With their hands, they want to change the future. But in doing so, the Laters lose the crucial piece of themselves-they lose the ability to enjoy life. While running to the horizon, they fail to look down at their feet. Responsible for the rush of mainstream American life, they become oblivious to what the Nows can see-the blooming of the first spring flower, the melody of the birds. According to the Tao of Pooh, the Laters are the "Bisy Backson," always busy, flowing against the current.

Which is better? The Now or the Later? In truth, neither is more superior to the other. To the German philosopher Nietzsche, life is an eternal struggle between being a Dionysian or an Apollonian. But consider this: what if a person could synthesize both types-the Now and the Later? To me, this is the Ideal-the way to truly "live life." The Ideal is the sublime fusion of both rational and irrational; intellect and creativity. This is the type I seek to be-a person who studies rigorously, but enjoys every minute of it. I strive to pursue my intellectual interests while explore novel ideas. To learn, but also enjoy; to pursue, but also explore-that is the Ideal.

So what two types define society? It is the Now, the Later, and-the underlying Ideal.

Will Reply

Undergraduate / The pessimists and the optimists: two types of people chicago essay [9]

thxs. i forgot to mention, do you think i'm being repetitive in a couple places. I feel like I am but I'm not sure where.

Undergraduate / (pre- med and study abroad + An Explorer) - Boston [12]

All in all, very good answer. Great job :)
i would suggest that you say "After researching...my major may still be undecided" instead of "After much research..." but if that goes over the word limit then probably not.

Undergraduate / Part of the Tree: Why applying to Swarthmore? [7]

Is there anything that I have to fix grammatically?

Undergraduate / Part of the Tree: Why applying to Swarthmore? [7]

Please Comment: Urgent!

Please look over and criticize

Undergraduate / Relieving Mankind From The Plague - Global Warming (Illinois Essay) [4]

Go more in-depth on why Global Warming's caustic effects worry you (talk about some of the problems) and tell how these effects have inspired you to what you hope to do as an engineer. In doing so, you should include your academic interests and how they will help you as an engineer. And if possible, at the end, tell what program would enable you to do it :)

I think Adventuress also pointed out all your grammatical errors

Undergraduate / Part of the Tree: Why applying to Swarthmore? [7]

Do I have to be more specific? I was wondering if I was becoming generic in this essay

Undergraduate / Tf you don't go all the way, why go at all? UNC transfer essay (best advice essay) [8]

The introduction draws your attention.
I think if you start off with the quote, the beginning will immediately pop out at the reader (but that's just my opinion).

Undergraduate / "Improving the Mind"-- Why U of Chicago? Supplement [4]

I was captivated by the University of Chicago because life there is the Life of the Mind, a place where ideas flourish and curiosity aboundstry a different word .

This revised version is definitely better than the first version.

Undergraduate / "The "One" " tufts what makes you tick [6]

me...
I've spent hours -->I spend hours (you are still fantasizing right?)

You definitely fulfilled the prompt in a very unique, and entertaining way--I could definitely see your personality. It is also more direct than the first. Great job.

Plz read my essay :)

Writing Feedback / Sex Slavery--Intro to the prompt "problem in america right now" [4]

Though I like your ending, I think you could make it stronger :)

Overall, very evocative and emotive; however, I'm not sure if it's a good topic for college admissions (but that's just my opinion).

Undergraduate / "if you had 10000$" - UVirginia Essay... engineering supplement [8]

Definitely a great essay. I don't find any grammatical mistakes.

The phrase below was a little long and sounded a little awkward, I'd suggest revising a little?
Today's challenge of using Green energy keeping with the three R's of recycling, reducing and re-using along with budget cuts for innovating technology is an interesting ground for an engineer.

And I think it's $10,000 not 10,000 $

Other than that, you're essay is amazing

Undergraduate / "March to the Beat of your own drum" -Wake Forest short essay [4]

Henry Tanner's painting; The Banjo Lesson Not sure, but did you get the punctuation right? you might have to revise this part

child is singular and their is plural

As an innovative dreamer, Tanner, despite adversity, evoked compassion by capturing the innocence of a child, portraying their innate determination to learn. just an observation, but it seems like there's a lot of commas in this sentence

Moreover, one can discover that it is acceptable to "march to the beat of yourone's own drum," to be innovative.

Love the ideas you have so far.
Have you thought of something dealing with money does not always equate to happiness? I know it's a cliche, but that was all I could come up with

Undergraduate / Harvest time and teaching season, my summers, Princeton supplement [6]

Thxs for your comments :)
ThereLast summer was a great combination of simplicity, love and resistance thereTake out the You. And though you have beautiful imagery don't start those three sentences with I unless you're using parallel phrasing or trying for emphasis.

I was on a trip with my friends. We chose to travel to the desert instead of having an ordinary vacation at the beach or the jungle. I found For me, the desert #FF0000was the most beautiful place on the earth; you would find "yourself" in its silence and attempt to be a beneficial person. The villagers were simple and diligent. I saw how they live on a land that was just dust and soiم<-- Sorry does that mean soil? . I realized their effort to be useful, not only for themselves, but for the nature too.Explain how what clearly what their effort is and how they tried to help nature I follow them from the groves to the aqueducts, from the Holy Mosque on top of the mountain to the bottom of the wells, and I understood how your beliefs can blend with the nature; they convert a wasteland to a heaven and subdue the sand storm! Try rephrasing this sentence

I noticed that you switched verb tenses alot :) try sticking to the past.

Love your next paragraph :) definitely shows you.

Undergraduate / (2000 courses) + (play Tar) + (Shahid Ejei) + Liberty + Photography - Yale's short [2]

First question: Go more in-depth on the topic. What about PSE do you like? why do the programs interest you?

It's the best time to play Tar, an Iranian musical instrument. You need a sensitive feeling for playing Tar, and I think autumn gives you this sense.<-- I agree with aleage on the 2nd sentence

I really like to see the" Unveiling of the Statue of Liberty" On October 28, 1886. I think its unveiling is a symbol of human's freedom and freedom-loving. I think you should stick to one "freedom"

Again on the third, I agree with aleage

hope you can edit mine :)

Undergraduate / 'Confidence; H.I.M and I co-founded our very own volunteering group' - influential [4]

I agree. For the first two paragraphs I got lost during your transition.
As my hand rose, his face turned from a grin to an expression of disbelief. Instead of handing him the money, my hand went for the door in front of me. Try combining these two sentences for fluency and understanding

As my eyes adjusted to the sudden increase in light, the large figure of the General Secretary began to take shape. Where did the General come from? Through the door? Where was the sudden increase in light? And also,

As my eyes adjusted to the sudden increase in light, the large figure of the General Secretary began to take shape. Amid all the new details that were becoming visible now,: his frisky beard, crooked nose, heavy glasses and--his expression .

I agree with kelsey on your content. The essay is moves from one moment then to the past then to another moment. The reader has trouble keeping up with all the changes. Again, Who is H.I.M.?

And, because I am assuming the essay is your transformation, if you have room, add more of how he influenced you. If not, take some out from the beginning. In addition, add more about what his influence inspired you to do.

Undergraduate / "a little eccentric and wild" - Stanford Roommate Essay [5]

Yes, your personality definitely shows through :)
But also, it does sound a little jumpy; try transitioning from one idea to another or combine similar ideas.

Undergraduate / "returning to my life of academia" - Rochester curriculum 150 words [26]

no comma after "subjects" (1st sentence)

(their ability to explain every concept known to man.)<--just like alexis brandon says, this part doesn't fit right for me. I think it's too ambiguous and generic.

(With an optional free fifth year, I could fully experience all that U of R has to offer academically across each school. At Rochester, I could witness the world's most powerful fusion laser in action or volunteer my time at the university hospital.)<--This part is great

For the other sentences too, try explaining what about Rochester interests you (eg. is there a specific program you're interested in?) Go more in-depth on what field in science or math you're trying to explore at Rochester.

I love (The world is my playing field at Rochester). A powerful phrase--perhaps leave that as your concluding sentence