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Posts by Adventuress
Joined: Dec 26, 2010
Last Post: Jan 2, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 5  

Displayed posts: 9
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Adventuress   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "a curriculum that educates and active citizenship" Tufts Essay [2]

I tried to cut out some words/parts of sentences that I think you could exclude. Personally, I don't think your casual language is a bad thing - it's a lot better to express deep ideas with casual language than express shallow ones using, like you said, thesaurus.com; and I thought your criticism of the kind of education offered at most colleges was really good. I don't know a lot about Tufts, but this sounds good to me. By the way, thanks for reading mine! But isn't there ANYTHING you think I could fix?.. You don't have to have something, of course (we all need some "I LOVE THIS!"s on some of our essays), but if you think of something, please post it. :)
Adventuress   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / Relieving Mankind From The Plague - Global Warming (Illinois Essay) [3]

My main thing was that you capitalized a lot of words you didn't need to - I know it's important, but that's clear without putting it in capital letters. There were also a few grammar mistakes with plurals/singulars. Your organization/overall topic was pretty good, but yeah, you might want to focus a bit more on what exactly you hope to do as an engineer rather than giving so many random examples of engineers' work. Good luck!
Adventuress   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "Assume that q(x) = " - UChicago Find X essay [3]

Hi, everybody! Please tell me if this essay even makes sense/is any good ((and be honest!). It's 888 words, so suggestions on what could be left out would also be appreciated. And of course, any other feedback is likewise very welcome! Thanks a ton!

Prompt: Find x.

q(x)

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Problem 1. Assume that q(x) = Should we take measures to combat global warming? Find x. Global warming has been a political, economic, social, and all-around prominent issue for the past several decades. Since its original proposition, uncounted events have occurred that have elevated its level of importance. The infamous rising CO2 levels, the disintegration of many an ice shelf, the plummeting polar bear population-the list goes on. However, many hold true to the belief that global warming, if it is happening, is merely part of a natural fluctuating cycle. Yet, all things considered, our course of action should be one and the same regardless of our beliefs (or lack thereof) on the issue. If we take measures to prevent global warming and find that it isn't something we can affect, we'll be left with cleaner air, smaller landfills, and a less oil-dominated society. If we choose the other road at the fork, taking no actions to prevent global warming only to discover that we should have, we'll irreconcilably damage the environment, drive hundreds of species to extinction, and potentially even doom our own fate. Clean air vs. doomed fate? x = Yes, we should take measures to combat global warming.

Problem 2: Assume that q(x) = Should we limit the use of antibiotics? Find x. Imagine yourself in the shoes of your childhood (or your child's) pediatrician. A mother brings her daughter in. The girl is sick, the woman is sick of her daughter being sick-the usual. You determine that the girl is suffering from a bacterial ear infection. You explain that there are two options: let the girl's immune system take care of itself (it isn't a very bad infection, so this is permissible), or prescribe antibiotics. At the mention of this last term, the worn-out mother looks up longingly. You sigh, break out your pen, and write her a prescription. Antibiotics have been the go-to solution for everything from pneumonia to the common cold for years. However, every coin has two sides, and it wasn't long before medical professionals began noticing a troubling trend: while the antibiotics were killing off ordinary bacteria, bacteria are much like people-meaning, there were inevitably one or two who were a little weird. These multiplied, and in some cases created entirely new strands of infections. This later became known as antibiotic resistance. The more "normal" bacteria we kill with antibiotics, the more resistant ones arise, potentially resulting in strands for which we have no cure. Only by refusing to take the easy way out can we impede this cycle. x = Yes, we should limit the use of antibiotics.

Problem 3. Assume that q(x) = What is the answer to life, the universe and everything? Find x. This one's easy: just ask Google, or-if you prefer primary sources-Douglas Adams. x = 42.

Problem 4. Assume that q(x) = Should we conduct embryonic stem cell research? Find x. On one side of the embryonic stem cell debate lie claims of the immeasurable possibilities of research in the area, from the development of diabetes treatments to cures for cancer and AIDS. Opponents on the other side cite ethical and religious concerns, saying that using embryos for research is, in essence, creating human beings for the purpose of killing them. Yet, all things considered, our course of action, once again, should be identical regardless of our positions. Although embryonic stem cell research is a paramount issue, it really doesn't need to be, because there is another option that is largely ignored: adult stem cell research. Adult stem cells have the same capabilities as embryonic stem cells, and have already produced actual treatments, such as heart regeneration and antidotes to multiple sclerosis and leukemia. And because adult stem cell research do not result in human deaths, it trains none of the ethical dilemmas of its embryonic counterpart. Why argue over a science that has produced few real-life results and has the nation divided, when we can devote funds to the research of one that's controversy-free and already starting to prove its worth? x = No, we should carry out adult stem cell research instead.

So-back to the actual point at hand. You're probably wondering what the meaning of all this is. Well, not to worry; you're about to find out. There are many xs, many answers; every problem, in fact, tends to have one, or at least something resembling one. Answers, or at least versions thereof, are-as strange as this may sound-easy enough to come by; the hard part is finding the questions. What are we most concerned with? Global warming, antibiotic resistance, stem cell research? We need to know where we're trying to go-towards a cleaner planet, a world with fewer incurable diseases, a less controversial medical community, or somewhere else entirely? We can't go everywhere at once. We're always asking each other and ourselves, What is the answer? What is x? But that isn't what we should be asking. What we should be asking is: What is the question? What is q(x)?
Adventuress   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "For you, I've devoted and risked my chromatids!" - Chicago - FIND X! essay prompt [7]

This is AMAZING! I love it! Yeah, it's a little inappropriate at parts ("His whole being was being propelled through a series of winding tunnels and tubes," for instance, is a line I wish I'd contemplated less), but it's definitely well-written and interesting enough to cover it up. (if I'd take out anything for fear of freaking out the admissions officers, it would be that, along with the adjective "humid" in the paragraph after that - but maybe I was the only one grossed out by that) Anyway, I thought your grammar was very good; there were only a few corrections I could see.
Adventuress   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Off to a Perfect Start" - Why Penn? [2]

This is for UPenn - "Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?"

The word count's fine, I just need general advice. Thanks so much!

Off to a Perfect Start

I have been a very curious person for as long as I can remember, and have always had a passion for new ideas and experiences. As a result, I have acquired a ridiculous number of hobbies, which in turn has culminated in uncertainty about the nature of my future professional career. Fortunately, the University of Pennsylvania's College of Arts and Sciences offers programs in all of my interests; and I am assured that, regardless of what major I choose, Penn will provide me with one-of-a-kind opportunities for research and involvement.

Although my potential academic paths are many, one of the fields I am seriously considering is psychology. The University of Pennsylvania, home to one of the top psychology departments in the world and the oldest one in the United States, is a superior place for me to pursue this path. Many of Penn's graduates have become leaders in the world of psychological research, and many breakthrough discoveries have been made right within Penn's walls. Studying psychology in a place with such a rich history in the field would be an unparalleled experience. I can see myself learning from Penn's renowned psychology professors, studying the achievements of the likes of Penn's own David Premack, and building upon the work of Penn students before me. One of the foremost aspects of Penn's psychology program that draws me is the opportunity for research; if I choose to become a psychology major, I will love to be able to not only become educated in the pressing theories of psychology today, but also have the chance to pose my own questions and answers. I have no doubt that I will take many valuable things away from my Penn education, but I believe an education is only truly and fully successful if it enables its students to leave their own marks-and that is precisely what I hope to do at Penn.

No matter what major I decide to aim for, of course, my numerous other interests are not something I intend to forsake. I hope to continue strengthening all of my facets while at Penn. Some of the first passions I developed were for the arts-specifically visual arts, creative writing, and drama-and I intend to continue feeding my artistic side. I am also interested in the environment (environmental sciences are also one of my potential majors), and I hope to take part in an environmental action movement at Penn. I have also been involved in equestrian for several years, and I would like to join the Penn Equestrian Team, as a club sport at the least. I hope to support and enrich not only my academic life, but also my personal interests at Penn.

My curiosity and plethora of interests are what make me-well, me. And although I do not know exactly what my future will be at the moment, I am convinced that at the University of Pennsylvania-with the exceptional academics of its College of Arts and Sciences, its incomparable research possibilities, and its wide array of extracurricular opportunities-I will be off to the perfect start.
Adventuress   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Here's a toast to dear old Penn!" - UPenn supplement [9]

I'd still maybe edit the "and I love that side" - although better than what you had before, this makes it sound kind-of like all you care about is crazy traditions and having fun... which is good (and undoubtedly true for more college students than admissions officers will ever know), but you definitely want to make yourself sound like a student Penn would want to have.
Adventuress   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "A good match for all of me" (Why Stanford) [4]

Prompt: Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you. (1800 characters)
Any kind of feedback welcome - esp. about whether this is too melodramatic/sounds like it could go for any college! (the stuff is true, but it seems like it may be a little overdone to me)

As someone who is interested in a ridiculous number of things, I have had a rather difficult time locating a college that would be right for me. I have many passions, and any of them could become majors. My goal throughout my college search has thus been to find an institution with equally ample opportunities in all of the options I may choose.

Now, this was quite a daunting task, and...

After edits:

I have been a very curious person for as long as I can remember, and my interests - and therefore potential academic paths - are many. However, one of the fields I am most seriously considering is psychology. Stanford, the home of one of the world's top psychology programs, is a superior place for me to pursue this path. Many of psychology's most influential breakthrough discoveries were made right within Stanford's walls, and studying psychology in a place with such a rich history in the field would be an unparalleled experience. I would be exalted to learn from renowned professors - such as Phillip Zimbardo or Albert Bandura - whose experiments I read about in my first psychology class. And of course, one of the foremost aspects of Stanford's psychology program that draws me is the opportunity for research. I will love to be able to not only become educated in the pressing theories of psychology today, but also have the chance to pose my own questions and answers. I believe that an education is only truly and fully successful if it enables its students to leave their own marks, and that is precisely what I hope to do at Stanford.

Regardless of what major I decide to aim for, my numerous other interests will likewise prosper at Stanford. I know my artistic side will not go unfed at Stanford, and my interest in environmental sciences - another of my potential majors - will be excellently served by programs such as the Stanford Environmental Portal.

My curiosity and plethora of interests are what make me - well, me. And although I am currently uncertain in my future, I am convinced that at Stanford University - with its exceptional academics, incomparable research possibilities, and wide array of extracurricular opportunities - I will be off to the perfect start.
Adventuress   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm easy to get along." - A letter for future roommate [3]

I definitely learned a lot about you from this, and it was interesting to read. I'm not sure if you should be more serious or matter-of-fact, either (I'm doing this question too - and no, I'm not going to give you bad advice), so I'll just give you grammatical advice. What I changed is in [brackets]. Good luck! (who knows - maybe we'll end up rooming together).
Adventuress   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Interested in new experiences; Hi, Future Roommate!" Stanford [2]

This essay is pretty crazy, so please tell me honestly what you think of it! I didn't know what to write, so I pretty much literally went with what my first instinct would be if I were actually writing a note to my future roommate. My main question is whether it's too all-over-the-place and non-serious, but other feedback is also appreciated.

Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. (1800 characters)

Hi, Future Roommate!*
How are you? I hope you're enjoying this wonderful day. (And yes, I am telling you that you're having a good day - unless you're a zombie, you should, according to my calculations, be alive; and if you're alive, then you're having a good day.) I have a feeling that I'm going to run out of characters very quickly if I keep going like this, so I'll just get to the point now and tell you some things about myself.

I was born in Zaporizhzhya, Ukraine (no, you don't have to know how to pronounce that), and moved to the US when I was seven. I know Russian fluently. I have an absolutely ridiculous number of interests, but since I know that just saying that won't help you whatsoever, I will tell you that I enjoy traveling, horseback riding, writing, reading, and acting. I also like animals and nature, and am pretty much a tree-hugger (so if you don't recycle, be prepared for conversion). I really enjoy learning about new (or new to me) ideas and points of view, and am very curious and interested in new experiences.

Anyway, I can't wait to meet you! College is going to be incredible. Not only are we going to be hundreds of (or, as in my case, over a thousand) miles from our elders (although once the dirty laundry starts piling up, we may reconsider whether that's really such a good thing), we're also going to be studying at one of the nation's leading universities. I think we're going to have an absolutely amazing time at Stanford. So if you haven't been enjoying your day, start now!

Impatiently,
Your Future Roommate
*a.k.a. Admission Committee in Disguise
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