Undergraduate / Grinnell, new nickname, Loxodonta africana and New Deal [2]

hey just take a look at my essay. 'brutal' critique is welcomed!

if you revise mine I'll take a look at yours in return :)

promt:
For much of its history the spirit of Grinnell College has been symbolized by the nickname 'Pioneers.' If the College were to retire the 'Pioneers' moniker, what would you recommend to replace it? In your answer, reflect on the history, current environment, and/or core principles of Grinnell College as you understand them, and explain your choice.

essay:
I would recommend replacing it with a resistant, majestic animal that stands out from the rest. Through its tough body and character, it makes an impact on everything that surrounds it. It also shows a great concern towards others which is shown with its group-style living. I would replace the 'Pioneers' moniker with an African Bush Mammoth (Loxodonta africana). All characteristics of the Loxodonta africana are also shown by Grinnell. In the early hours of Grinnell, the college had to experience a lot of setbacks, but it didn't give up. Those setbacks were seen and used as opportunities to improve Grinnell. This led to its outstanding academic programs, the beautiful campus and the wealth of opportunities for students. Grinnell and its education always made a difference - socially and economically. The biggest social impact to the college had the admission of women as candidates of a degree. It advanced the diversity of Grinnell and it had a lasting impact on the future of the admitted women and their surroundings. Grinnell graduates had also a big influence during the time of Franklin D. Roosevelt's New Deal as they were high administrators. But what really makes Grinnell a special place is its community. It is not a loose partnership of convenience - it is a family and Grinnell is their home.

Undergraduate / (spend money wisely) + (small village diversity) +(friend from school) NYU Supplement [13]

1. Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.

My mother has always told me to spend my money wisely.As I grew up I developed the ability to value money and, unlike many other people, I didn't waste my money on unnecessary or useless products.Another reason for choosing my anticipated academic area is the JUNIOR program and my own business.

I've chosen the College of Arts and Science, because of its outstanding academic programs, the wealth of opportunities on campus, the beautiful setting, and the great people teaching and studying at NYU.

2. NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

I live in a small village called Bretzingen where diversity is a foreign word. My desire of meeting a diversity of people from different countries rose during the last few years. I want to learn from their unique perspective.

In my opinion, the experience of diversity is a great way to overcome old prejudices and it is highly entertaining. Through globalization, we have to have an understanding of other cultures. What could be a better way of experiencing another culture while sharing your own?

3. If you had the opportunity to bring any person -- past or present, fictional or nonfictional -- to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person.

I would bring my best friend from elementary school to his backyard. We would share old memories and we would dig our time capsule out which we buried over 10 years ago. Furthermore, we would finish our LEGO castle and our LEGO fire department. Our very close relationship developed throughout elementary school. His backyard was a place where I learned to really care about someone outside of my family.

comments?
improvement?
I'll comment on your essay if you comment on mine ;)

Undergraduate / "taking care of my handicapped brother and sister" - extracurricular activity [4]

If you edit my essay I'll take a look at yours.

any critique/comments welcome!

In my opinion, the most important of my extracurricular activities is the one I spent the most time with - taking care of my handicapped 15 year old brother and sister.

Firstly, I help my parents to perform certain therapies. The one that brings the most progress is the 'Doman Delacato'-therapy where the patient's body is moved by three people in a certain frequency. We also perform dog, horse and dolphin therapies. This is due to the fact that my sister started talking through a dog when she was five years old.

Secondly, I try to raise funds for dolphin therapies. A two week therapy usually costs about 25000$. During this therapy, my brother [name] and my sister [name] are able to minimize their spasticity which is a big success for them and makes us contented.

Undergraduate / "learned many things from participating in varsity table tennis" - common app [11]

I know that there are some mistakes so please help me ;)

I have learned many things from participating in varsity table tennis. It has changed my character and my attitude towards life. Before I started playing table tennis I was very shy and I was lacking self-confidence. I was also searching for some acknowledgment of my sport skills. My mum suggested me to talk to my best friend who plays table tennis. We thought that it might be the best for me to go to table tennis practice with him and try it. Because I was shy, we decided to meet outside the gym.

It was a rainy Wednesday evening and I got there late. So I thought that my friend was already inside the gym. However, when I entered the gym I didn't see my friend, only 30 people staring at me. I was so scared I couldn't move and I thought they are going to kill me with their glance, but a few seconds later I was relieved when the door opened a second time - my friend came. He introduced me to the others and we started practicing. Because there were not enough tables, I and my friend played doubles against another pair. We had a good time and I decided that I would join the team. However, during the practice, I noticed that I didn't play any offensive strokes, nor did I run towards the ball as fast as I could. The fact of the matter is that I didn't want to be the one that makes the mistake. I only played safe balls without any spin. I did not want to risk making any mistake. I didn't want to take the responsibility of helping my teammate because I was too afraid of making a mistake. That aspect of my character led the first two years. In school, I didn't ask any questions in class, afraid they might be considered too stupid by my classmates. In the meantime, I went to practice four times a week and I got home physically and mentally exhausted.

After two years of practice my coach granted me a spot in our varsity team. I excitedly and nervously looked forward to our first game. However, during our first game I realized that I was still not playing any offensive strokes which led to many mistakes, because I'm not a good defensive player, nor did I play with the right racket for it. Those mistakes were usually not significant and they hardly changed the outcome of the game, but my fear of making a mistake grew steadily. But there were also times when I played offensive strokes. When I played them, I won the game and I was congratulated for a great game. On such occasions, I was often unofficially awarded as the MVP.

During the following years, my coach practiced harder with me than with nobody else. First, I thought that this wasn't going anywhere and that he was just teasing me. But after a while, I realized that this has changed me. Now I played offensive strokes during a game and not only while I was practicing, so I was able to win most of my games. This eventually led to our promotion into the next higher league. My coach taught me how to fight my shyness.

Through table tennis I gained self-confidence and my sport skills got acknowledged especially by newspapers. During the hard and long practices, I have gained a hard work ethic. As a necessary to communicate during the game I have learned to work well in a group with others. In addition, I have also learned what it takes to succeed and that it isn't important if I fail I just have to try again and do it better. Thus, I know that I sometimes have to risk failure in order to gain success.

Those new aspects of my character have helped me a lot lately. I think they have helped me the most during my exchange. I was able to talk to everybody which was unimaginable a few years before and I was also able to get in touch with all kinds of people through this. My friends there would describe me as an outspoken person with a lot of self-confidence. But I didn't only gain a lot of friends there; furthermore, my newfound confidence helped me while participating in a soccer team in the US during my exchange. My position as a left midfielder led me to play every game and I knew that I might have to risk a mistake in order to shoot a goal. Eventually, through the acceptance of this, I took a small risk during the game and I was able to score and we were able to win the game.