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Posts by somewherefun
Joined: Dec 30, 2010
Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 11  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 12
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somewherefun   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Moment During Dance Class and the Importance of History" - Brown Supplement [9]

This is such a unique way to approach the topic! Just one thing, maybe writing outrightly what your major is? I'm guessing it has to do with history but I'm not 100% sure, so maybe makie a bit more obvious? Other than that, you are a great writer and I love the details incorporated into this essay. Good job and good luck!
somewherefun   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / ""Alex, you're not wearing sweatpants to school." - YALE Supplement [16]

I just read both conclusions and the revised one is definitely much better! Overall, a very insightful essay and I definitely heard your voice from within. Great job and good luck!

If you have time, mind critiquing my Yale supplement essay? Thanks in advance!
somewherefun   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / My parents "never gave up." - Brown [4]

You're a good writer, but I feel like this should concentrate more on you. I feel like you spent too long discussing how your parents didn't give up. Maybe give specific examples on how YOU will never give up? Hope that helps, good luck!

If you have the time, mind critiquing my Yale supplement? Thanks in advance!
somewherefun   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Looking at my transcripts..." - Yale supplement [8]

That bewilderment erupted agony

Kind of lost me there, maybe "The bewilderment erupted into agony" is what you meant to say?

I really liked this essay! A few grammatical mistakes, as listed above, but I think it's a great essay. Like what someone said above, just tone down the beginning a little bit, perhaps taking out the specifics (like the GPA).

Good luck!
somewherefun   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Interest in math, science, or engineering" - Caltech: your interest in science [3]

Firstly, just wanted to thank you for critiquing my Yale supplement essay!

comes close to the sensation that comes

Just a personal preference of mine but I don't like when the same word is used twice is such proximity. Maybe change one of the "comes"?

dwell on the possibility of there existing scientific truth

Kind of confused by what this is saying... maybe rearrange it a bit?

the possibility of powering solar panels with artificial light,

illumination with the energy provided by illumination. However, this was very short lived because the efficiency of the solar panels available was very low.

manifests itself in many ways, My volunteering

This is probably a typo, but the m should be lowercased

Overall, this essay definitely conveys your love for mathematics and the sciences. A few grammatical mistakes and my personal preference when it comes to using the same words near one another aside, this shows your interests and is well written.

Good luck!
somewherefun   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "intellectually stimulating classes, study aboard programs" - Why Northwestern? [3]

research the school that had been so impressing a few weeks earlier

Perhaps a bit on why you found it so impressing?

I gazed at the screen and my mouth gaped open in wonder, before me was an embarrassment of riches.

I don't think a comma fits there - maybe a semi colon or dash? And not sure if embarrassment is the right word there.

not only life on campus but in the surrounding community

I think there should be a comma between "campus" and "but" but I'm not 100% sure.

Overall it was a good essay and the specific examples you used definitely showed that you cared enough about the school to research it. Just some grammatical mistakes, but other than that well done!

If you can, help critique my Yale Supplement? Thanks in advance!
somewherefun   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "going to the library everyday" - UNC- the best advice you've ever received or given [9]

Ultimately I fell short of my goal of getting a 4.0 that semester too and even the semester that just passed.

The last part of this sentence sounds a bit off? Maybe rearrange it a bit?

Despite my failure to achieve my goal on numerous occasions, I am more determined each time and am convinced that at least one semester before I graduate , I will get the 4.0 that I want.

Next semester it is my hope that by going to the library everyday , I can strive to push myself academically and get a well-deserved 4.0[/quote]

Just missing some commas in the end, but other than that this is a good essay and I love how you incorporate the quote with academics and sports to show both sides of you. Good job!
somewherefun   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "My buddy, a timid 35-year-old woman" - Elaborate on EC: Best buddies [2]

Firstly, thank you for reading my essay. Much appreciated!

I really liked this essay! Your opening sentence definitely draws in the reader and it's great to see your character development.

Good job fitting so much into 150 words.
somewherefun   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "I explored the countless cultures" - Yale "exotic food" [11]

Finished completely revising it! 497 words! I love harsh criticism so feel free to completely rip this apart! I'm gonna sleep now (at 8AM cool) but I will critique back (:

Thanks in advance for reading!

EXOTIC FOOD IN COUNTRIES

"Uh, are you sure this is edible?" A plate filled with hundreds of black shells covered with a gooey green sauce has been placed in front of us, the faint aroma of the sea suspiciously seeping into the air. My parents seemed delighted with this foreign delicacy but I was not amused. After waiting for thirty minutes with my stomach growling, I was supposed to eat this? Disappointed, I scowled and crossed my arms, silently screaming at my parents for ruining my appetite.

I guess you could say I wasn't the most adventurous person when it comes to eating. Lobsters and sushi? Those I can devour in a flash. But snails, frogs and turtles? I'm pretty sure no one would dare touch those. Then again, not everyone's parents are willing to try anything that was considered edible. Understanding that I couldn't possibly starve myself whenever my family went out to eat, I decided to learn about how these dishes came to be.

I sat in front of my computer that night, prepared to do some research. With the clickety-clacking sounds ringing out from the keyboard as I typed in "strange delicacies", I realized that I was... excited to learn about how these dishes were created. I searched through thousands of links, pouring over the origins of dried squid and why ants are considered a delicacy in South America. My curiosity got the best of me and I stayed up all night, not only reading about each country's delicacies, but also its entire culture. The food people ate around the world only gives a small taste of what each country represents; I soon found myself enthralled with the traditions of Swaziland and the national anthem of Liechtenstein.

It was an inspiring night as I explored the countless cultures that I previously knew little about. Hailing from a small town in xxxxxxxx, I felt as if I was traveling the world, encountering people who all had their own story to share. I understood that behind the countless faces and religious ideologies, each of us have something special to offer, something unique to give to one another. While we may have our share of similarities and differences, it was the aggregate of the intimate pride and happiness, fear and anger, love and remorse in all of us that made our own cultures one of a kind.

I probably won't enjoy every exotic cuisine that is placed on the table, but each one allows me to gain a glimpse of a country's culture, a chance to become inspired by its history and traditions. Just like each country's unique flag, the variety of foods represents the idiosyncratic customs of its people. It whispers the story of their past -- the times of joy and triumph, wars and famine. Perhaps the next time my family goes out to eat, I'll take a bite out of a rich society of which I've never tasted before. Who knows, maybe I'll find one that I love.