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Posts by byeung1489
Joined: Jan 2, 2011
Last Post: Mar 6, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 10  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 14
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byeung1489   
Mar 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Thesis statement for the topic - Should students work part time during college days? [4]

I believethat this has moreWorking part-time will negatively affects college students academic performance.having part-time job based on several reasons.
It is objected thatworkingPp art-time jobs is one of the best ways for college students to getgain real life experience and independence's.usefulexperience and make money without their parents' providing . College students with part-time jobs can also relief some of the burden from their parents, but can lead to unbalance life to students who focus too much time and energy on the job. However a part-time job can be a cause of some problems to learners who dedicating their time and health for the job.Because of the pP oor conditions and environments in some jobs,can cause students can to be injured or meet accidents during theirworkingprojectswork .This is the reason whycC ollege students should consider all the major factors carefully before getting doing part- time job .
byeung1489   
Mar 6, 2013
Speeches / It's time for a woman President - stating an opinion [8]

Don't have to mention it because it already mention in the topic that it is your opinion. Everything you write is your opinion and facts are used to support it; therefore, just write strong sentences.
byeung1489   
Feb 20, 2012
Scholarship / Push for the finish line. Business scholarship. Ethics in Business [2]

Please help by providing feedback. Is the paper good? Because, I did not create it up, I wrote based on how I felt and what I been through. Will this be a good scholarship essay?

"Continue the push to the finish line" is a valuable lesson I learned from a friend. It has often provided me the strength to face my obstacles.

I never imagined that I could have achieved so much thus far in academics. As a child, from an uneducated family, I learned to overcome obstacles. I do not accept fate because I believe my future rests within my own hands. My parents were both born in a suburban village, in China, after the revolution. Inevitably, many in their generation never had the opportunity for education. Thus, my parents never graduated from elementary school. However, they both admired education because of the economic opportunities and didactic skill set education can offer. Therefore, my mother was strict with her children's academic success. She raised me to be accountable for my own actions. In addition, I have been given the golden educational opportunity America has to offer.

My family arrived to America with excitements about the 'American Dream.' I never understood why parent's enthusiasm until three years ago. I can remember leaving our home to create a new life. We were in poverty with government housing and education assistant grants. My mother said," In the United States, you will have the opportunity for college." She believed America was the only place that could offer her children success.

However, despite her efforts, I failed at my preparatory school years. I began to hate school. I was fearful of attending school since as a foreign student, I was bullied for my being overweight as well as my sexual orientation; I felt so overlooked and obscure, I often skipped school. I let my parents down and was an embarrassment to my family. They were summoned to juvenile court for my school absences. Consequently, I was marked as an attendance problem. I became a regular in summer school. Teachers in summer school were extremely surprised because my grades were A's and B's during the summer but C's and D's during the semester. At sixteen, I came to a decision to withdraw from high school as my frustration and confusion grew. I remembered every moment in the counselor's conference with my mother and sister. I was in pain, which they never knew. I watched them cry as my heart was broken in pieces, but I could not tell the truth. I was scared of rejection.

I did study and receive my GED. I thought school was not right for me; thus, I went to work fulltime for two years. I explored many fields and did not find a suitable one. Therefore, I decided to return to school and enrolled in a community college. I struggled at the beginning, fearing failure. I began to search for help and answers. Later, the school psychiatrist diagnosed me with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I started to received treatment and medications. My grades rebounded from "C" to "A." My personality changed to be attuned to my surroundings. I began to be active in student organizations. I have learned a vast amount about business. I was in a group called "Students in Free Enterprise" and learned social-ethics in business. Promoting the greater interest in communities at large, helping small business, and young entrepreneurs to gain a stainable future continue to expand my knowledge base, fusing business with people.

After finishing my two years in [community college], I have continued my journey at [University]. Although I have transferred to [name of the university], I remain active in with the [School Name] SIFE team. I serve as a co-advisor. I must pursue my classroom learning and continue to grow as a business leader, while creating a footprint in the community, leaving the community stronger and more sustainable than how it was found. I have incorporated the theories of business school to real-life such as using strategies to promote local business, by incorporating social media advertising to local community promotions. I want to continue pursue my passion in consulting local businesses and human labor related relations, while inspiring other people that have gone through a troubled past. I want to bring the ethics back to business, using it to promote economic stability. In additional, I want to educate others the importance of giving back to the society at large. I believe these are the principles that made America such a great country. I "continue to push to the finish line" and will not admit to failure.
byeung1489   
Feb 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Better a job with more vacation time but a low salary' - essay [3]

It's a good topic, but are you writing for admissions? Because, the paper did not tell much about you.

The last paragraph can be reworded. It sound a bit too wordy.

The advantage above alone, however, maycannotnot fullyshowdeterminethe more vacation time is better.than less vacation time.However,The work efficiency is proven to increasedisanother advantage thatwhen more vacation time can bring usis offered to employees, because it reflects positively to employees mental state. .On theDuring vacation time, we can have a trip to experience the different culture and learn the advanced technology.

You should read it aloud to see the grammar problems.
The ending was not strong...( You should try to think it as you are selling it to another person about your idea)
Also, be clear about what person want to use, first, second, or third)
byeung1489   
Feb 19, 2012
Undergraduate / U Of I Transfer - 'to start the new chapter of my life' [5]

You should not mention the school that you originally got in, or wanted to go.
Talk about how you came back, what you have learn,and after how is make you better today. What did you learn in during yo time in community college?

All are very important points, what can you bring to the school other than academics?
You draft need ore thought into it. But, I think you are having a right idea.

I hope you do well.
byeung1489   
Feb 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / Being gay and overcoming myself. [2]

please provide feedback in to the essay.

I was born and raised in a rural town Geo-je, South Korea. People in the town are well-politically oriented and the 14th President of Republic of Korea was from in this island. While I was growing up, I had a big nature of curiosity about the world, science and human right as well as a strong dignity as Korean. My love for the human right began when I developed my interest in history from my grandparents' era. Korea had a quite amazing transformation in social and economic power but poorly managed in human right campaign. At that time, my human rights passion was blinded only to think about issues in Korea. A cornerstone of changing thought began when I recognized myself being different from others regarding sexual orientation. I realized that human right is not only about helping people, but understanding the fundamental rights that were given to anyone in the Earth. Learning what is the fairness and basic rights everyone has, my passion grew over time as did number of campaigns for minorities who suffer from the lack of interests or discriminating rules from the history. Ever since I came to Washington D.C, I started to admire Professor Victor Cha regarding his genuine thoughts about East Asian policy and his achievements in international relations. About the book he wrote "Beyond the Final Score: The Politics of Sport in Asia," I could understand the appreciation of the sport events which strong political movement is involved despite of purism in the sport and common interests without boundaries could be a good start where I can position myself in an international level. My concern about the human rights in an international level, some problems on human rights were similar to other countries; whether developed countries solved the issue on part of the movement, other countries' problems are everyone's problem. This world needs a social worker without the boundaries of national, ethnical, and regional limitation. I have a great passion to be an international social worker but beforehand I must seek greater education and awareness of international human rights from the learning environment. From the research for my further academic career, I found students at School of Foreign Service who were engaged in the human right activity in North Korea. I believe finding a group that matches with my interests, and sharing the important moments within academic environment is very important to my future career in advocator of human right campaign. Aside from the human right campaign, I also have a passion to study computer science and other science as well. I am certain that Georgetown is the right place for the next academic career for my genuine passion as a learner to be a leader. Studying at Georgetown, where I will be challenged to think critically among the support of faculty and experts in the field of international affairs will enables me to reach my full potential. Lack of human rights, the law cannot play its role as a protection and privilege but discrimination. I also want to further investigate human economical behavior and its effect on development of human right in same sex marriage. After completing my studies, I plan to start my career as a human right activist, where I can utilize my knowledge and passion of human right. If awarded the opportunity, I will bring dedication, curiosity, and commitment to Georgetown University.
byeung1489   
Jan 24, 2012
Undergraduate / My goal to transfer to Nursing School Admission [2]

The daily basis questions my mother asked, "What is wrong with you?" I never knew but to feel disappointed liked I have failed. I too ask that same question at times. However, two years ago, I finally came to reality with that question. I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivities Disorder (ADHD). Since, kindergarten my mother disciplined me harder than my siblings. She says I am the most difficult child and until this day she still mentions it. A non-typical child in kindergarten like me would be disciple by teacher in on a daily basis, from disobeying to daydreaming, and being voluble to my classmates. I became nothing but an unstable child to my father and relatives eyes, as a misfortunate. The negative influences shaped me to be a brainless puppet and lived the life as a normal person going to school without knowing what I want to be. My conditions never enable me to be in full-potential, I gritted my teeth when I tried to focus on subjects I was uninterested in. My grades echoed my ADHD's intractable ways. In junior year, I realized Computer Information System was an unsuitable major as I envision myself in a desk for eight hours was impossible. While others dream to have office job, I wanted something that can help others and stay active. After my realization, my world shredded in pieces, my father was hospitalized and was diagnosed with chronic disease, stroke and heart attack. My father was being pushed in different rooms for examinations. I began to tear with worry and sadness. A teddy bear printed uniform nurse came over to ask me is everything, alright? Her name was Jessica. She was very sincere and friendly. She offered me something to drink and told I need to stay strong. Jessica was our assigned nurse that has finished her shift; however, she stayed behind with me until she knew I would be fine. I withheld the fear but it was still seen by Jessica. In the dimmed cold room, I felt the nurse's sincere care, Jessica's actions reflects the care of a nurse that means more than reasonability. I became the financial support for my family with responsibilities of operating the family business, and working over 60 hours' weeks. My academics suffered. However, I was in serious predicament in leaving previous academic accomplishment or continue to peruse for a degree. Others found my decision to be irrational, but before my father's incident,

I had begun to seek for my passion. Despite the negativity from others stating I cannot finish something, I was determined to peruse the Nursing profession. From taking my father to therapies, I saw the importance in health professionals. I redress myself because this is what I want to be a nurse to help others. I wanted a new environment in peruse in nursing. I enrolled in the Community College of Baltimore County. I felt divine and passionate; however, without knowing, my ADHD condition had come back to haunt me. I started to have difficult time struggling among family, school, and work. During the semester, my brother was diagnosed with ADHD. He mentions the symptoms and said that I may have the same problem. After the examination, my doctor prescribed meditation and offered places that have therapy sessions. Knowing my problem was like a calling for me. I can focus in finishing tasks, while multitasking, something I was unable back in the day. Since, my grades has improved and I have taken more challenging courses. I made to the dean's list but I know that is only the beginning. My own passion in nursing has thus far been an incredible experience.

Georgetown is where by heart I know it will satisfy my search for education and opportunities in the field. I felt a since of warmth from the moment I visited. Classes taught professionals like Jean Nelson Farley, and they provide knowledgeable lectures, while given challenging tasks to motivate me. The cultural diversity of students enhances the amazing learning experience. Thus, I seek a Bachelor's degree in nursing to help others. I want to research in developing countr. I want to make a footprint in rural areas like my parents village in China. My goal is to become the best nurse that I can be, and that is the direct consequence of realizing that I cannot imagine any other career that would fulfill my needs as nursing does. I believe Georgetown University can archive my goals of becoming a better person.
byeung1489   
Jan 24, 2012
Research Papers / Conflicts of Interest between Shareholders and How to Minimize them. [3]

You should search your school library website. Also you can try to ask the librarian. I don't suggest to answer the question in a 1, 2,3 format. Answer the question in a essay format that address the concern. All the questions are links. you need to find supporting text, use your textbook.
byeung1489   
Jan 6, 2011
Undergraduate / "As the president in Kappa Delta Beta" - extracurricular activities [7]

I change a few things again cause my professor thought it wasn't good enough

For the past two years I have been the president of Kappa Delta Beta a business honors society, as well as Students in Free Enterprise (SIFE). Each of these groups has enabled me to gain leadership and management skills. As president of these two student organizations, I have learned the importance of dedication and perseverance. I enjoy working as a team and have been able to learn a lot from my fellow classmates. On our first SIFE competitions, though we did not receive any titles, our group has taken the experiences to enhance our skills. The tools I have learned as president has enabled me to be successful at many other competitions I have taken part in, such as the Federal Reserve Monetary Policy Challenge. Each experience has molded me into the person I am today, and for that I am grateful.
byeung1489   
Jan 4, 2011
Undergraduate / "As the president in Kappa Delta Beta" - extracurricular activities [7]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

I know have less than a 1000 character but more then 150. I personally cut out so much detail already. I am very bad with grammar.
Some great Input would help, Should delete or change some info?


- As the president in Kappa Delta Beta (KBD) as well as Students in Free Enterprise (SIFE) for the past two years since returning to college, I have benefited greatly from them. They have shown me the importance of team work and how everyone can learn from each other. Both organizations have given such great team value in me. The first SIFE competition we went as newbie couldn't do much other than ...