Undergraduate / Want to play college soccer in California, but living in Massachuse; Occidental Supp [7]

My dream is to play college soccer in California, but living in Massachusetts, it was a challenge to get coaches who lived over 3,000 miles away to see me play. After sending out(delete) numerous emails to coaches out in the west, hoping for at least one reply, I was fairly successful.(awkward- you could try replacing it with "I succeed".) I knew it was due to my distance, but also with all the talent California produces, they probably didn't see any reason to venture their search anywhere else.

Overall I thought it was a good supplement! Maybe try and go in depth about their economic program since you mentioned it briefly. But other then that I think it's solid!

Please please like my comment if it's relevant and helpful, thank you :)

Undergraduate / That night changed my perspective on myself; Common App/ Significant experience [3]

I agree with the previous poster! It's written nicely but the essay does nothing to spotlight your attributes to the readers. It's centered too much on M, in my opinion. But I loved the ending sentence, it was concisely powerful.

Hope I helped, please like my comment if it did :)

Undergraduate / Trekking the Annapurna Circuit, Majestic mountains of Nepal; Common App [2]

Yet (,) I would not let that be a party-pooper to my sojourn in the Yeti-bewitched Himalayas. While I had researched much, packing my bag gave me the chills.

:)

Undergraduate / " We are to conquer the world in pairs " ; Letter to future roommate [10]

Another secret to success is health(,) and soldiers need to be healthy to win the ordeal, so I would prefer that we always be on schedule and devise appropriate time for rest and sleep. Yes, I know I sound like Spock from 'Star Trek' and to be honest I have a similar personality except that I am more friendly and forgiving.

Other then that, this was a unique approach to this supplement. Please like my comment if it's appropriate please.

Undergraduate / SCARS; YALE Supp / say more about you [8]

I could not forget my final speech easily. I closed my eyes and rewound(rewind) back to the moment when I picked up my impromptu topic. In slow motion, I observed my tensed body and soul. As I watched my own imaginary video, I was talking to myself:

My video player this time captured the sweetest moment, when hearing my name, I excitedly jumped to the front and shouted at myself, "yes, I did!" (awkward sentence- I think it's suppose to say "Yes, I did it")

Undergraduate / EXPRESSIONS; NYU Supp - What intrigues you? [10]

I thought this was a creative and unique response to the NYU prompt! Overall I agree with the previous comments that there is some minor grammar mistakes, but other then that, good job!

Undergraduate / Want to play college soccer in California, but living in Massachuse; Occidental Supp [7]

Sure!

Undergraduate / My father is a photographer; Common App/Who had a significant influence [5]

My father has initiated each of my passions by showing me the importance of all arts. For example, as he is a photographer, every time we see a movie together, he mentions to me the quality of the cinematography, and though I don't know anything about it, when I see a movie without him, I see myself paying attention to the lighting, to the framing and even to the focus, which has not only made me aware of the art of film, but also of my love of film.(run on sentence)Similarly, my father always insisted we go to museums when I was younger, even though I would sometimes protest, and each time we would go, I was amazed by his knowledge of art, which has today shaped my interest in art and made me willingly want to go to museums.(run on sentence) So I guess I can thank my father for having initiated my interests in such names as Samuel Fuller, Chaplin, Basquiat, Pollock or Dylan, as these are some of the people that have, though it might sound redundant, influenced me to want to become influential.

However, I think and I hope I will never succeed. ---->> awkward sentence for me

Undergraduate / The girl who faced unexpected death; Common App/ Person of Significant Influence [2]

I think its good. The only criticism I have it that you develop your relationship with this woman a little late considering the word limit of the common app. Maybe try and tell why she is important to you a little earlier for the reader.

Undergraduate / I like to sleep, but I love to stay up late; Babson Supplement: Letter to Roommate [3]

I liked it. I think it did a great job at balancing why you want to attend Babson and who you are as a student and individual

Undergraduate / I barely knew Alejandro; Common App, Significant event [4]

I found this essay a pleasant read! I didn't notice any major grammar mistakes and think it is a good common app essay (good job at showing rather than telling)