Undergraduate / "fascinated with science" - Duke supplement-why Duke? [5]

Hei there! :D

I have read your essay and first of all, I think you have not read the prompt correctly. I actually searched for the Duke supplement on their site and according to what was written there this should have been a short answer (1-3 paras). So you must first of all cut back on some words and make sure you don't exceed 500 characters.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / What are the most important characteristics a public figure should possess? [2]

Hei Claudia! :D

I really liked the essay, there are however two things I'd change about it.
First of all, you are missing the conclusion at the end.
And second of all, I'd cut back on the quotes. They are pretty much all over the place and don't look so good in such a short essay. This is however just my opinion. :)

Good luck!

Napoleon Bonaparte once said: "A leader is a dealer of hope."

make them become the inspiration of many others. -- just one full stop here.

The looming question would be: what are these traits? -- there's no space needed before the colon.

Firstly, a public figure must be passionate about what onehe/she preaches and says .

Henry Miller once said:_" What distinguishes the majority of men from the few is their ability to act according to their beliefs."

they are ... determined inabout their cause.

One can only admire and respect for such a person.

public figures who hashave burning passion isare often followed by many, ...

People continue to put their faith in them even though the path where they leadwalk is daunting and uncertain to the extremes. " Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around." I ndeed by being perseverant , change is bound to happen.

A s it has been said: " A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave for five minutes longer."

A public figure is actually equivalent to his followers, mere humans. -- I personally don't like how you describe the human here, because by saying "mere human" you show actually no regard for the human, however your essay revolves around how imposing some individuals can be. I'd cut that last apposition.

Instead, by putting oneself in others' shoes , one can better understands the plight of others and offers assistance and aid.

For instance, Mother Teresa relinquished her status and wealth to sav e the poor and downtrodden people in the streets.

Graduate / "the more I learned about Finance" - personal statement for Finance program [4]

Hei there and welcome to EF! :D

Before I say anything else: On your keyboard you will notice a longer ... um, key that usually goes by the name of "space bar". Now, usually you hit that bar when you want to separate two words or sentences and such. For example: I went for a walk._ On the way I met her. or I have no idea,_ but you can ask her about it. or Many species of birds_ (e.g.:_ pelicans)_ migrate to the South during winter.

I know that you might be asking yourself: "Is this such a big deal?" And the answer is: yes, it is a big deal. It is very tiring for someone to read a sloppy written text, so, for your own good, take this advice into careful consideration.

While I really liked your essay, I think you should mention in the last paragraph some of your future goals so that the reader can see that you clearly have some plans for upcoming years.

Undergraduate / "the MNSU student" - your background, interests, purpose for studying in uni [3]

:| You still haven't learned to hit space, so don't start recalling happy times with me, mister! (I'm joking.)


What do you mean by "there is no resume"? Can you apply to college without one? I mean, damn, then you can say you have done so many things without having to prove it. But ok, you must know better since you're applying.

Ok, this sentence is ridiculous. XD It never turns out perfectly:
While my first intention was to follow a civil engineering program, I had no other choice but to study in an IT major given my family issues. -- Done!

It also helped me to think logically and somehow improved the way I perceived everything around me.

By helping me in designing too, it turned out to be a great asset.

Ups, this sentence too I messed up pretty badly ._. ...
As a result I managed to save some money, while also realizing it was the time to make the right choice.

Ok, now replace those last sentences and polish your essay by checking if you hit space when you should have and ... I guess you're done. :)

Undergraduate / "the nagging stress of the day" - Common app short answer [9]

Wow, Christian, this is a great short answer ... concise and intriguing and it has a great flow to it. You're a really good writer! :D

Two things I'd change:

... or how will I will settle an argument with a friend. -- Flow's better when you put the predicate after the subject.

And you might want to look a bit at the times. You're constantly changing between past and present. Put everything in present!

Good luck with everything! :)

Undergraduate / "the nagging stress of the day" - Common app short answer [9]

[Damn, you answer fast ...] Well, it is definitely not bad. :P I'd even admit you!

Undergraduate / "the nagging stress of the day" - Common app short answer [9]

Nah, you'll manage, I'm sure :D Now, excuse me, I'm off to sleep. Night!
Good luck again and perhaps I'll see you around! ^^

Undergraduate / "the MNSU student" - your background, interests, purpose for studying in uni [3]

Looks really good. :)

Three things I'd like to change:

From the early beginning of my childhood, I was so keen ... -- I just realized it's pretty illogical to say this because childhood is actually considered to begin from the moment you're born. So perhaps it would be better to replace it with: "Ever since I was a child (no comma)".

Minnesota S tate U niversity of Mankato -- I wasn't so sure at first if every first letter should be written big, but turns out all of them must be capitalized (except for the "of").

Ph D degree -- I've seen it written like this everywhere, so I think it's safer to use this form.

Now, I though about something you could do. Go to your best friend and read him this essay and ask him whether this essay reflects who you are. Since that friend will know you the best, he (or she) should have the last opinion. Given the fact that you have no resume, this is kinda the best you can do with this essay. :)

Undergraduate / "fascinated with science" - Duke supplement-why Duke? [5]

Hm, the second version is slightly better, but ... this essay is supposed to reveal something about you. And I am sure that the Duke admission officers are pretty familiar with what programs they offer, so I don't think you have to explain that again. My advise: start fresh with a cool idea. When you're done give that essay to a friend and ask them: "Does this essay sound like me?" If they say yes, you can hand it over here to check grammar and such. If not, well, you start over. :) Good luck!

Writing Feedback / the proportion of older people，postive and negative effects.-----IELTS [3]

Hei Lu! :D

While your essay has such a wonderful structure and don't get me started on your very "I-had-to-read-your-essay-with-the-dictionary-next-to-me" vocabulary, I don't fully like it. I think the arguments you made in the second paragraph are far stronger than the ones you described in the second. I think it is not ok to ignore a reasonable concern by just mentioning "the children can benefit from it" while it isn't even true on the long run. That's just a thought though.

Others are concerned about the costs of supporting this huge amount of aged groups in a pension system may be a financial problem for government, especially when an economic recession occurs.

Furthermore , when financial crisis comes up (/when stricken by a financial crisis), the economy will not easily resuscitate with its domestic consumption reliant(/relying) on an ageing population, which is more worried about its health and security in its dotage. -- Not all old people are senile, but ok. XD Just hope the one correcting the essay won't be old.

All in all, the fact that throughout the world ageing population is an unchangeable trend. It has both upsides and downsides. -- You were missing the predicate for the main clause, so I put those two sentences together. However, this sentence is incorrect. Societies where the elderly overwhelm the providing faction of the country do not include major parts of Africa and South America, but quite a lot of developed countries such as Germany, Russia or Japan.

Writing Feedback / "the young boy with a lady" - Dreams (narrative) [6]

Hei Gladys! :D

I really, really like your writing style. I loved the level of detail you put into some of your metaphors and the way you build up on the suspense at the beginning.

Below are some suggestions. Again, you're a really good writer! Keep up the good work! :D

Images flashes in front of me, ... -- Or: "Image flashes ...", but then you need a predicate.

I sat upright on my bed, panting with sweat dripping d own my forehead. I trytried(/would try) to clam myself down, ...

The dreamshad started a few weeks ago and kept repeating and never changing. If it did, it only became clearer. -- For a better flow I'd change this into: The dreams had started few weeks ago and kept repeating, changing at times only to become clearer.

..., the same dream appeared(/would appear) again. -- I don't know why, but "would" always makes things far more abstract than they should and right now, that's good, imo.

It was a hot afternoon, when I was walking down a busy street, ...

...a banner that shouted: "G et your fortune told now!"

Throughout the fourth para you build up such a devastating amount of suspense ["Who the fuck is this man with a deep voice?" I wonder.] and then in the fifth you let it all crash into some "math-prompt" like explanation. Definitely work on mystifying that para, because to be honest, afterwards I don't have the same urge as before to finish reading. And we don't want that! :p

... a pair of mother and her son walked past me giggling.

Just then , ...

... [I] saw a blue balloon flewflying into that similar cloudless blue sky. -- Now, the present continuous does something special here. It adds the detail of your character contemplating the event which adds something to the narrative. With this little change that last para-sentence about him coming to realize what his dream meant could be left out. This is jut a though though.

"Those dreams could be warning you_ ..." the deep voice resounded.

Writing Feedback / Short Essay: "Stereotypes result in self-fulfilling prophesies" [3]

Hei Srihari! :D

Your English is so beautiful!!! I feel ashamed about my underdeveloped vocabulary now, haha. But other than that, great essay. I do agree with you that prejudice leads people to be narrow minded and ignore the true selves of other. However, that is not the intention of the stereotype. Initially, they were used to describe the basic characteristics of people holding different positions in a society in tales and fables and such, but I think behind all that there lies a more absolute truth. It is, I suppose, irrefutable that at core every human being has the same needs and the same wishes. [For example, take every Hollywood movie and see what the characters say: "I just want to be happy."] However, it turns out that placed in different situations each individual will react differently trying to adapt himself to his given set of circumstances and still follow his interest. What I am trying to say is, stereotypes are made by people and show us how we can change others around us, by giving them power, by hurting them. This goes pretty well with that saying: "Man is born pure, society corrupts him." But, gah, I'm babbling, don't listen to me.

Again, great job with the essay and good luck! :)

... acceptable and unacceptable,

I view stereotyping as disrespectful ...

Undergraduate / My Cornell Supplement Essay: College of Art and Science Can Help Me Succeed [3]

To be honest, my main concern is that your essay has no structure. When you read it each paragraph sounds like an essay on its own. Connect them somehow and you must consider changing these repetitions.

And I just wanted to agree with you, to tell you you that it seems that you are forced to make everything sound like a resume in sentences, but I changed my mind. Here is a structure I would follow if I were given such a prompt: I would start my essay with an introduction that will be really catching my interest. That you do by telling something about you. It mustn't be very long and it will still describe your evolution. Your second para should then keep up the tension and lead to a really impressing conclusion. What I don't like about your last paragraph now is that you do not describe your progress you just explain to the Cornell admissions office what they offer for your education. Not that's wrong or anything, but I am sure they are already familiar with it. Instead of enlisting everything that is so fascinating about them you could briefly mention your interest in their school in a sentence and complete the conclusion by mentioning some of your future plans.

I know it sounds weird ..., but until we are replaced by robots we are emotional beings and trying to make an essay impressing by choosing a certain wording, by building suspense up will always work better than enlisting stumbely sentences.

But maybe you're right and you should get a second opinion, I just told you what I would do. :)

Letters / A Letter from Papa Bird to its Baby Birds [3]

Hei Anna! :D

First of all, welcome to EF! I'd give you a prize, but will you settle for a cyber-hug? >:D<

Now getting down to business: I liked your essay, I did. It's a cute story that makes me recall how I perceived the world when I was little.

However, and this will come out mean no matter how I'll say it, I don't find it to be impressive. It is not something truly special. First of all, birds do not feel the same emotions us humans do when it comes to family. For them, learning is about surviving. And the parents do not care about their futures after they can live on their own. I do get it that you meant everything in a metaphorical way, but you went over the top, so to say. If you look at fables and tales, all animals impersonating a certain character are simple and only roughly contoured.

My advise, choose one or few characteristics that actually exist in the bird world and try to bring the reader to empathize with your birdy story.

And what I would also do, I'd drop the names (Tweety, Chicky, Birdy). They sound too goofy and I personally was distracted from what you were trying to say because of that.

My last tip: a letter is still an essay. You need the structure. If every single line is loaded with information and meaning, you become boring. Focus on a good amount of description in the beginning to install a certain mood and then, gradually, work your way up to the conclusion.

That being said, your writing should reflect what you think. So perhaps you can wait for a while and then read this essay again. And maybe you will figure out where you can improve it or add a further thought yourself. :)

Good luck!