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Posts by Becool
Joined: Jun 27, 2011
Last Post: Jul 14, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 6  

From: America

Displayed posts: 10
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Becool   
Jul 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / Better place to live is a big city; more opportunities [4]

I have read that you can only write the numbers in words when they are below ten. Are you sure about the 40 to be written as forty in one of my sentences. thanks for your nice edition.
Becool   
Jul 6, 2011
Writing Feedback / Better place to live is a big city; more opportunities [4]

Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

The places we live in are an important part of out lives. The places with many opportunities and better facilities ensure and enhance our lives, so people consider living at these places. Some people prefer to live in a small town while others prefer to live in a big city. In my view, it is better to live in a big city for two important reasons.

First, there are more opportunities in a big city. It is often said that people do better when they get appropriate background, so if you are well educated and your aim is to earn a lot of money, a big city will materialize your dreams. For example, living in a small town in Nepal, my best friend's father studied Bachelor of Art 40 years ago when the literacy rate in that small town was very low, and only the people belonging to prosperous families were studying. After completing that degree, he did not get any jobs that he liked, which was because of the lack of opportunities in that small town. The jobs that he was getting were blue collar jobs, and he did not wanted to do those jobs, since an advance thought was shaped by his degree that he would get a good job after its completion. So, he does not work as a blue collar worker. He did not think of moving to a big city for some reasons, and as an alternative, he opened his own shop in his place of residency. Although he earned money with that business, but not the way he liked. This experience made me think that even after having an appropriate quality, he was unable to get jobs he wanted because of lack of opportunities. Consequently, a though came to my mind when I heard it from my friend that probably opportunities are the reasons for big cities being dense.

Second, a big city has many facilities. In the lack of better facilities, lives are not as luxurios as it should be, and people sometimes bear resentful experiences. For instance, my friend who is from a small town of India told me that his pregnant sister was giving birth to a child, but the only hospital in the town refused to take care of the case because it was a very serious case. My friend's sister had to be taken somewhere in an advance hospital in order to have her baby born. Unfortunately, because of the limited time availability, they were not able to take her to onother places, and then, they signed a paper and told the hospital to take care of that case. Unfortunately, his sister passed away in lack of a well-facilitated hospital. If his sister had had gotten to a better hopital, she would not have passed away probably. So, better facilities do keep matter, and therefore a big city also keep matter in people lives.

In conclusion, I think that the better place to live is a big city. It does not only have more opportunities, but it also has many helpful facilities. In other word, a big city has more chances of getting different kinds of jobs, and it saves lives because of variety of facilities. Thus, for an advancement of our lives,we all should consider the advantages of living in big cities which facilitate our lives.
Becool   
Jun 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Should fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood" - ILETS exam [4]

Hi Alisha, I agree with Geenesh. I think you should focus on the format of the essay as he mentioned.
I noticed some grammatical errors.

In the past, Mother seemed to be more attached with a child since birth as she was always around the child to fulfil the basic needs of the child.

Father also actacts/plays a prodominent part in raising his child.

This drastic change in lifestyle "," has compelled both parents to be equally responsible for raising their children. The part before comma is the subject of the sentence, so you do not need to put comma there.

Focus on grammer. Do not panic with your mistakes, we all learn from mistakes.
Becool   
Jun 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / Work for the company or go for our own business? [6]

Hi, Your essay is very good. I noticed some minor mistakes.
As far as I am concerned, running our own business is preferable to me. "To me" seems redundant because you have already used "as far as I am concerned." Therefore, you could write something like - "As far as I am concerned, running our own business is better for two important reasons."

Take my close friend-Emma-for example- she has worked in the well-known hi-tech corporation for several years and she never felt satisfied with the company.

Take, for example, my close friend Emma, who worked in the well-known hi-tech corporation for several years...

"for-opening the" It is actually written as "for--opening the"

I hope this should help you a little. Reply me if you have a different opinion regarding the edition.
Becool   
Jun 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should children learn a foreign language since their childhood in schools? [4]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

Learning is an important part of our lives. Throughout our lives, we learn many things. The more we learn, the more knowledge we have. The more know we have, the more value we gain in the society. Learning depends on our time and energy that we spend for it. Learning anything from a very childhood helps to gain a deep knowledge in a particular field. Some people think that children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school while others disagree. In my view, children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school for two important reasons.

First, learning will be much more easy. In this globalized world of today, a particular place is no longer a fixed habitat for people. People are moving all over the world for business, for visiting new places, and for jobs. So, we should learn as many language as we can. However, learning a new language is not easy as pie. It requires hard work, iron determination, a clear headed focus, and abundance of time. So, learning from childhood should help in learning a lot. When you are in your professional career, you barely have enough time to learn something new and different. Even if you take a stab at learning a new language, there are too many things to learn. And, all those things will be very difficult to retain in mind in a short time. And, if you learn the same language from childhood, all those new words along with other things will stay in your mind for forever being non-erasable. With this, we learned that learning a foreign language is easy when you learn from childhood.

Second, it may take children to a path of success. If you want to study abroad, which is very likely today, then you need to have knowledge of that country's language. Because that will be the medium of your exchange for communication in a school. Mastering a language will not only help students but also one who wants to a businessman. Today, dealing with business parties involves communicating in many countries. You may want to buy raw materials from a company in Japan, you may want sell you products in the United States, and your branches may be in Nepal while corporate office may be in London. So, at least you have to have a knowledge of a common language through which you could talk to every places. These are the benefits if you know a foreign language. I know one of my friends who has been learning English for five years. He has his degree M.B.A in Marketing. Because of a lack of fluency in English, he could not look for job opportunities in the international companies. He always regrets that why he did not learn English from very early childhood when he was in the school.

Last but not least, children should learn a foreign language since they are in a school. It does not only make the learning easy but also shapes a fruitful path for the future. All the parents should think globally now, and make a wise decision regarding helping their children to learn a foreign language since their school.
Becool   
Jun 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl: grades based solely on exams or based more on class participartoin [5]

Hi cool, I noticed your writing is very good except for some minor mistakes. You are over emphasizing using the words like still and also, so I would say use them in a limited context. For example, "Consequently, he still passed." You do not really need this "still". Also, simply say "And" instead of "consequently" in this sentence because it is not showing coherency.

Also, your first body paragraph is well developed, and so has to be your second body paragraph. It will balance your essay.

Other than that your essay is great. Good luck for TOEFL ...
Becool   
Jun 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / "equal abilities of both genders" - EQUAL NUMBERS OF MALE & FEMALE IN EVERY SUBJECT [4]

I totally agree with this idea because females should be no longer treated unfairly, they can do as good as males can in "every subject" and the rights of both genders in the society need to be protected.

Hi, your writing is good. But I think you need a little bit of adjustment in your writing: Should "no longer" be. Place this word before main verb. Similarly, instead of "every subject" you could write "every aspect." You could put the last part as a separate sentence.

women can perform as excellent as men in almost every fields or subjects . Here it should be "every field or subject" and " all fields and subjects"

I noticed that you have the basics of writing an essay (introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion), but I think you have to work on how to write a paragraph. While writing a paragraph to support you thesis, you do the following:

Write a topic sentence
write supporting details
write an example .
For example,the topic for the first body paragraph may be something like this: Women are similar to men in many aspects. Many women are outproducing men in schools, at work, in politics, and in sports. And then provide a particular example of a successful woman leader, player, or worker.

I hope this will give you a guideline. Good luck for your IELTS...
Becool   
Jun 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should high school students allow to take courses they like? TOEFL [3]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? High schools should allow students to study the courses that students want to study. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

High schools play important role in our academic careers and there after throughout our lives. High schools build a strong foundation for students' college career. They may help to arouse a hidden interest in a student about a particular subject by compelling him or her to study that subject. Some people believe that students should be allowed to choose the courses of their interest while others simply disagree. In my view, students should not be given a chance to select their choice of courses in high school for two important reasons.

First, students are immature to make appropriate selections. Making choices among many is a quite complex decision making skill, especially at the age when you are in your high school. Students look for ease, never for complexity. Choosing the courses they like is most probable, but that is not appropriate because that simplicity may turn into a lack of knowledge, later. For example, I am a non-native speaker of English. I know it is hard to express my thoughts and ideas writing in English. But, even though I have to write efficiently to succeed in my academic career. If I am asked to choose whether I like to take a Writing class, I will never say that I want to take that class. For my sake, I have to be forced to take Writing courses. Similarly, I do not like many courses, such as history, biology, and chemistry, and that does not mean that I do not have to study those subjects. These are the courses that give base to future courses, bring diversity in my knowledge, and make me aware of the happenings of the world. Taking these facts into account, one can easily say that students should not be allowed to choose courses of their own choice.

Second, it opens many doors for high-school students. If high-schools' students are compelled to take all the courses specified by the school, they will take them. In the course of taking those subjects, they may experience some signs of difference in their interests about a particular subjects and may choose a different path for their future careers. For instance, I never liked Art before taking an Art class in Delaware County Community College. Now, I love art, and probably I am going to graduate in Art. If I had not taken that Art class, I would not have understood that how heart-touching subject Art is. The benefit of taking this class is that I will not have to go to Career and Counselling Center for advice about what I should do next, rather I am going to graduate majoring in a subject that I like, that is an Art. So, we learned that, like me, it may open a distinct door for others too. This proves that high school students should take courses specified by the schools.

In conclusion, even if others favor that high school should not force students to take courses they do not like, I am in a complete agreement that high-school students should take courses of their schools' choice. It does not only make the right selection of courses but also opens many doors for future careers. Students should appreciate the efforts made by high schools, and high schools should make a right selection of the courses.
Becool   
Jun 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL_A job with more vacation time but a low salary is better than a job with a high [5]

Hi Bao, your writing is quite impressive. I would like to tell you something about your writing. I noticed some minor errors.
You should write a topic sentence, then you would support that topic sentence with some details and examples. For example, You wrote

"What's more, the relationship between a person and his family members will be much improved as he chooses a job with more vacation time because he has more time to join in family activities such as picnicking or camping." Instead of writing because part in that sentence, you should probably try to write it separately to support that topic sentence.

Another thing: In spite of writing "What's more," you could write "Moreover" or "What's more is that"

Similarly, "that" is considered more formal, so instead of writing "which" most of the time try using "that," based on identifying or non-identifying clause.

Hence (,) they ignore their physical and mental health, but are overwhelmed by high pressure instead.
When you use a comma before coordinating conjunctions, such as and, or, but, for, nor, and so, you have to use subject in the following cause after that coordinating conjunction.

These are the tip that will help you in academic writings since your current writing is good enough for TOEFL.
Becool   
Jun 27, 2011
Writing Feedback / Money spent on Sports should be equal to money spent on University Libraries [2]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Schools should give the same amount of money to their students' sport activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Sports are an important part of our lives. Sports make people strong. It entertains viewers. It also brings unity in a country whenever there is game competetion with onother countries. Some people think that schools should not fund as much as the school fund for a library while others supports funding for sports. In my view, schools should spend as much money on sports as they spend in libraries for two important reasons.

First, it helps a country to find superior players. Every players who start playing at first do not wether he or she is good player or bad player, but when they compete in a mass, this gives them opportunities to figure out the talent they have. For example, one of my friend who was studying with me was from a very poor family. He studied upto class ten in a school where there was no sport facitity. After passing class ten, he went to high school with a great sports ficilities. Along with his study, he also started participating in the sports. He became number one player of cricket in Nepal. This experience taught me that he would not have been the best player if he had not gone to a school with sports facility.

Second, spending money on sports is good for schools. All the schools want to earn name and fame. The way of achieving that name and fame is through their products (students). If their students are competent, the reputation of the school will add up, and vice versa. Sports are one of the means through which the schools can be popular. For example, Trichandra Campus in Kathmandu Nepal is was very unknown campus before the year 1998 when a national championship football was held in Kathmandu. A team from Trichandra campus won the Championship. The next day, the school president was on the television claiming the achievement their students had made. Everybody in Nepal now know that campus just because of that game. This fact showed me that sports keep matter in reputation of the schools.

In conclusion, though some people disagree that schools should not spend the same amount of money as library on sports, I feel that schools, if they can, must spend money on sports. Spending money on sports is not only good for students, but it is good for schools. Thus, schools should not hegitate a little about spending money on sports.
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