Ellis
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / selfishness -- UC Prompt #2 [6]
As long as you focus more on the positive outcomes, it should be fine.
As long as you focus more on the positive outcomes, it should be fine.
Ellis
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "First time ditched class" - UC transfer personal statement prompt 2 [4]
Do not use this as your second prompt.
The message I get from this essay is : "I ditched class; I remeniscue about it."
Do not use this as your second prompt.
The message I get from this essay is : "I ditched class; I remeniscue about it."
Ellis
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'K-Pop music is my favorite musical genre' - Transfer UC Prompt 2 [3]
I agree with Keerthika2014.
There are far too many grammatical mistakes; check your tenses.
I agree with Keerthika2014.
There are far too many grammatical mistakes; check your tenses.
Ellis
Nov 11, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I love throwing' - Stanford Supplement Roommate Question [6]
This is vague and does not tell admission officers nor potential roomates who YOU are.
This is vague and does not tell admission officers nor potential roomates who YOU are.
Ellis
Nov 5, 2011
Undergraduate / 'continue to try until I succeed' - Personal Statement Prompt 2 [2]
Sometimes it takes a lot of motivation to do or continue something, and I know exactly what that is like.
RUN ON.
----
I have attended Westminster Music School for piano lessons for six years , and within those six years, I have considered quitting many times. Yet, I still haven't.
There were so many grammatical errors in this sentence..
In the last sentence, I deleted "still" because it sounds as if you might quit in the future.
----
The simplest things have kept me going, such asa feelings of accomplishment, recievinga trophiesand diplomas , and gaining friends.
Major error:
such as a feeling of accomplishment, a trophy, a diploma, and friends.
In this fragment, you are stating that you perservered because you had a FEELING of accomplishment, a FEELING of a trophy, a FEELING of a diploma, and a FEELING of friends.
You NEED to use a different verb for each of those [aside from Trophy and Diploma].
----
As part of its curriculum, my piano school participates in the National Guild of Piano Auditions where students play musical pieces in front of a judge and are scored. Their scorethen determines whether or not they are able to advance to the next level.
----
And this is where I stopped reading.
I am able to get a sense of what you are trying to say, but there are too many grammatical errors.
Furthermore, your essay is not very well organized.
The last sentences of each paragraph should connect with the beginning of the next.
I would recommend asking for help from an English teacher.
Sometimes it takes a lot of motivation to do or continue something, and I know exactly what that is like.
RUN ON.
----
I have attended Westminster Music School for piano lessons for six years , and within those six years
There were so many grammatical errors in this sentence..
In the last sentence, I deleted "still" because it sounds as if you might quit in the future.
----
The simplest things have kept me going, such as
Major error:
such as a feeling of accomplishment, a trophy, a diploma, and friends.
In this fragment, you are stating that you perservered because you had a FEELING of accomplishment, a FEELING of a trophy, a FEELING of a diploma, and a FEELING of friends.
You NEED to use a different verb for each of those [aside from Trophy and Diploma].
----
As part of its curriculum, my piano school participates in the National Guild of Piano Auditions where students play musical pieces in front of a judge and are scored. Their score
----
And this is where I stopped reading.
I am able to get a sense of what you are trying to say, but there are too many grammatical errors.
Furthermore, your essay is not very well organized.
The last sentences of each paragraph should connect with the beginning of the next.
I would recommend asking for help from an English teacher.
Ellis
Nov 5, 2011
Undergraduate / 'won 3rd place in the Art competition' - Syntax/ grammar help with Prompt 2 [3]
Allthe qualifiers gathered into closely knitted tables at the Visions of Unity banquet.
----
We hadall been notified by mail and students from every high school in the district waited for the ceremony to begin.
----
I had won 3rd place in the Art competition, my dad told me before we sat down at a table around the center of the room, so he would like to see the pictures from the other two winners.
Run on, does not make sense.
----
My dad quickly responded by pointing out some of the faults of my competitors, such as inaccurate drawings, incorrect coloring, and over-simplicity.
What does your father respond to? He did the last action: my dad told me before we sat down at a table
----
While some of the faults may have been true, I smiled to myself, knowing that he forgot the most important feature of each portrait: the theme, the message that we put into each and every piece of work on display.
----
My picture could have been one worthy of Leonardo Da Vinci's full blessings, but without those fundamental concepts of unity and overcoming internal division, it would never have passed the first stage of judges.
Explain the fundamental concepts of unity and overcoming internal division .
These sentences are fragments, and make no sense together:
My picture could have been one worthy of Leonardo Da Vinci's full blessings,
it would never have passed the first stage of judges.
----
While there was a minor cash reward, I chose to participate in the event to test my talentsand to improve my understanding of art.
----
Before I began painting, I firstheavily thought of the inspiration behind it, making sure that each of the themes I picked could be displayed within my final product.
----
But it wasn't until a week later while skimming through TIME when I knew I had struck gold.
I really don't like your description (wording) of "skimming through time."
EDIT: Make sure your write Time's Magazine . If you just write TIME, it can cause confusion.
----
The painting in the magazine showed a brick wall with dozens of hands with thousands of tones and colors huddling around one another, with a similar group of innocent, giggling children holding hands in the foreground.
Run-on sentence. Don't use WITH so many times in one sentence.
----
After a few more days, I found my scenery: a sharp contrast between the cold dead grasp of winter and the blossoming livery of spring.
----
It wasn't just a competition testing the talentof the artist , it also a an actual test to see if the artist truly understood the requirements for unity and acceptance.
If you plan on using "unity and acceptance", you need to elaborate more about that in your introduction, as I have no idea what you are trying to say.
----
Even now, I am humbled to have been able to make my own way of spreading that vision of unity one step closer to success.
I have no clue what you are trying to say.
You are humbled to have been able to spread YOUR vision of unity, but what do you mean by spreading it one step closer to success?
Overall: Not a bad start.
Conclusion: Weak, vague.
Focus: Art
All
----
We had
----
I had won 3rd place in the Art competition, my dad told me before we sat down at a table around the center of the room, so he would like to see the pictures from the other two winners.
Run on, does not make sense.
----
My dad quickly responded by pointing out some of the faults of my competitors, such as inaccurate drawings, incorrect coloring, and over-simplicity.
What does your father respond to? He did the last action: my dad told me before we sat down at a table
----
While some of the faults may have been true, I smiled to myself, knowing that he forgot the most important feature of each portrait: the theme, the message that we put into each and every piece of work on display.
----
My picture could have been one worthy of Leonardo Da Vinci's full blessings, but without those fundamental concepts of unity and overcoming internal division, it would never have passed the first stage of judges.
Explain the fundamental concepts of unity and overcoming internal division .
These sentences are fragments, and make no sense together:
My picture could have been one worthy of Leonardo Da Vinci's full blessings,
it would never have passed the first stage of judges.
----
While there was a minor cash reward, I chose to participate in the event to test my talentsand to improve my understanding of art.
----
Before I began painting, I first
----
But it wasn't until a week later while skimming through TIME when I knew I had struck gold.
I really don't like your description (wording) of "skimming through time."
EDIT: Make sure your write Time's Magazine . If you just write TIME, it can cause confusion.
----
The painting in the magazine showed a brick wall with dozens of hands with thousands of tones and colors huddling around one another, with a similar group of innocent, giggling children holding hands in the foreground.
Run-on sentence. Don't use WITH so many times in one sentence.
----
After a few more days, I found my scenery: a sharp contrast between the cold dead grasp of winter and the blossoming livery of spring.
----
It wasn't just a competition testing the talent
If you plan on using "unity and acceptance", you need to elaborate more about that in your introduction, as I have no idea what you are trying to say.
----
Even now, I am humbled to have been able to make my own way of spreading that vision of unity one step closer to success.
I have no clue what you are trying to say.
You are humbled to have been able to spread YOUR vision of unity, but what do you mean by spreading it one step closer to success?
Overall: Not a bad start.
Conclusion: Weak, vague.
Focus: Art
Ellis
Nov 4, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Friends come and go; but family..' - UC Prompt #2 Family [4]
No, it is not.
Prompt #1:
Goals (Short/Long term)
Use this to brainstorm for your prompts:
eaop.uci.edu/PDF/handouts/Personal%20Statement%20WS%2009.pdf
No, it is not.
Prompt #1:
Goals (Short/Long term)
Use this to brainstorm for your prompts:
eaop.uci.edu/PDF/handouts/Personal%20Statement%20WS%2009.pdf
Ellis
Nov 4, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Track and Field' - UC Prompt #2 [2]
I can see what are you are trying to convey, but your sentences are repetitive:
I felt quite free whenever the adrenaline passes through my body.
The adrenaline consumes me whenever I run.
For me, Track and Field was an important part of my life.
For years, I always feel the same enjoyment when I am running every day.
You get the idea.
-----
This essay lacks the "Wow" factor. It does not flow, it feels forced.
It does not stand out, has a lot of grammatical errors, is not very well organized and is incredibly vague.
Try to use different words instead of beginning every sentence with:
"For me/For years"
"It is/was"
"Every day"
"Through"
You did, however, answer the prompt.
Not a bad start :)
Use this to brainstorm:
eaop.uci.edu/PDF/handouts/Personal%20Statement%20WS%2009.pdf
--------
From your posting, it seems that this prompt requests specific information from specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to, and as such, research for this response would fall out of the scope of my free services. Since it seems that you need extensive assistance with content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.
Good luck!
I can see what are you are trying to convey, but your sentences are repetitive:
I felt quite free whenever the adrenaline passes through my body.
The adrenaline consumes me whenever I run.
For me, Track and Field was an important part of my life.
For years, I always feel the same enjoyment when I am running every day.
You get the idea.
-----
This essay lacks the "Wow" factor. It does not flow, it feels forced.
It does not stand out, has a lot of grammatical errors, is not very well organized and is incredibly vague.
Try to use different words instead of beginning every sentence with:
"For me/For years"
"It is/was"
"Every day"
"Through"
You did, however, answer the prompt.
Not a bad start :)
Use this to brainstorm:
eaop.uci.edu/PDF/handouts/Personal%20Statement%20WS%2009.pdf
--------
From your posting, it seems that this prompt requests specific information from specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to, and as such, research for this response would fall out of the scope of my free services. Since it seems that you need extensive assistance with content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.
Good luck!
Ellis
Nov 3, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Friends come and go; but family..' - UC Prompt #2 Family [4]
Do not use this as a Personal Statement.
You spent most of the time complaining about your brothers actions and did not answer the prompt on how this experience has shaped your dreams and aspirations. You merely stated how you changed your attitude towards your family.
UC Prompt #2
"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
Do not use this as a Personal Statement.
You spent most of the time complaining about your brothers actions and did not answer the prompt on how this experience has shaped your dreams and aspirations. You merely stated how you changed your attitude towards your family.
UC Prompt #2
"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
Ellis
Nov 3, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I executed my game plan perfectly' - Personal Experience [3]
The punching bags swayed back and forthcaused by the wind coming in through the open garage door .
Wordy, not needed.
-------
Jump ropes, like the ones you would use when you were little, hung from a pins on a wall.
Again, not needed. I think everyone knows what a jump rope is.
-------
He stared attentively at two guys sparring.
------
I trained for a whole month before I eventually entered the ring; a whole month conditioning myself and learning every skill of boxing.
Run on sentence, try to reword it or move it beind for a whole month.
------
The guyI was going up against was well experienced, four inches taller than me , and ten pounds heavier than me.
Replace The guy with My first opponent.
------
I fought him three times morein [within ] a span two weeks and lost all three times.
-----
I spent thatwhole [month ] carefully elevating my skills, and coming up with a new fight plan to fight the taller guy [defeat him ].
Avoid using guy.
-----
SoT he bell rang and I executed my game plan perfectly.
-----
I like your idea, but there are a lot of minor errors.
It would be best if you changed your conclusion:
"These qualities are only two of many that would make me a valuable addition to the university of _________________________"
You want to say how this experience will help you succeed in college and beyond, not why a college should accept you.
The punching bags swayed back and forth
Wordy, not needed.
-------
Jump ropes
Again, not needed. I think everyone knows what a jump rope is.
-------
He stared attentively at two guys sparring.
------
I trained for a whole month before I eventually entered the ring; a whole month conditioning myself and learning every skill of boxing.
Run on sentence, try to reword it or move it beind for a whole month.
------
The guy
Replace The guy with My first opponent.
------
I fought him three times more
-----
I spent that
Avoid using guy.
-----
-----
I like your idea, but there are a lot of minor errors.
It would be best if you changed your conclusion:
"These qualities are only two of many that would make me a valuable addition to the university of _________________________"
You want to say how this experience will help you succeed in college and beyond, not why a college should accept you.
