Posts by menukagrg

menukagrg

Mar 15, 2012

Undergraduate / 'my body begs for an escape' - College Transfer Essay [3]

avoid contact sports because - shouldn't it be contacting?
deserve to heard - to be heard.
door... although- i like it this way but maybe it is informal? You could just put a period.

Your essay is amazing. Some lines are really long. I like long ones but not too many of them. If you work on it, i will be more than happy to read it again.

I can't believe you went through such a devastating time, with the accident and all. I wish you the best. :)

menukagrg

Mar 17, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

I am really amazed at the amount of changes you are suggesting. This is definetely not my final draft. I really appreciate you doing this for me.

When i saw the red lines, i actually went to my kitchen, made tea, and got myself ready for the instructions.
I had an amazing mentor. He was american and a philologist. He used to help me correct my grammar and make suggestions regarding the writing style. Since he left our country due to visa problems, i have missed him a lot. I was also really worried about my essay. I could have emailed him but i didn't want be a burden. Anyway, the whole point of my story is that you remind me of him. Only i don't know you. But you have been amazingly kind.

I will work on my essay and make those changes. Maybe this time will be the lucky one.
Thanks

menukagrg

Mar 17, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

This essay means a lot to me. So revision is of utmost importance. Especially since you are giving me such great constructive criticisms. I am taking ful advantage. :)

I have some last questions. I meant to write "almost" because the lady was inspecting "passengers including me. Or should i write "inspecting the surroundings". I like passengers better though.

The place where i work is the best education consultancy in my city. Its ESL program is not relly quite upto par as i would like it to be. Do you think it matters? or should i just go back to "one of the best in the city".

menukagrg

Mar 19, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Yes, i am done. I changed "nonchalantly" to "wondered aloud". I put the college gap sentence as well. I kept all your suggestions pretty much.

I can't imagine someone putting someone else's work as their own. Especially if that work was discussed online but i guess anything can happen.

Thank you so much for your time. If i get in, which is a big IF, i hope you will be around to help me with my scholarship essay. :)

Keep up the amazing work.
Again, THANK YOU!!!

menukagrg

Mar 19, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Impressive!

What language are you trying to learn? Nepali is my mother tongue. I learned English at school and through T.V(mostly American sitcoms)and movies. Hindi, i also learned by watching t.v and movies. Now, i am learning Italian using a "Teach Yourself" book on Italian and through couple of movies. I initially started with Rosetta Stone too but it was going a bit slowly for my liking and like you said, i knew Italian words but couldn't get anymore than that.

menukagrg

Mar 20, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Thanks. I really hope i get in because i really love that school. Anyways, best of all the luck with yours too. :)

menukagrg

Mar 20, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

That was almost two years ago. I was out of school and frustrated. I shouldn't have dropped out knowing it would put an ugly dent on my career but it had to be done. Running after subjects out of spontaneous whim in a hope to run into my passion was not getting me anywhere. Still, I was searching hungrily for my vocation. As cliche as it may seem, something clicked during that conversation. I realized I needed to do what I loved but had ignored before: teaching.

Is the new line okay? It doesnt really justify my dropping out or change of majors, does it?

menukagrg

Mar 23, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Chalumeau-
I added the line later but i think it was because i panicked. I didn't feel as if i had justified my dropping out enough. I deleted the line again and submitted as it previously was.

Tito-
Thanks :)

menukagrg

Apr 1, 2012

Scholarship / 'Not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family' - scholarship [16]

The word limit for the essay is 250 words.
According to the scholarship committee, getting a scholarship depends on academic merit, financial need and potential.
All types of comments (grammar, content) are welcomed obviously. This is my third draft. So i am pretty sure there is a lot to do here. Thanks in advance. :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---

Given the competition for scholarships, what qualities do I have that make me an outstanding applicant."
If you are an international applicant, please also address the development potential criteria and your intentions upon returning to your home country.

I am not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family, bearing an emotional story, eagerly aspiring to study abroad; I am strongly able. I am more prepared for my course of study, English Language and Linguistics, than many other students might possibly be regarding theirs. I might have been out of touch with school but I have continuously educated myself through online lectures and books. I have also been working hard as an English Language Instructor for almost two years. I am perfectly aware of my strengths as a teacher as well as my weaknesses. My ability to speak Nepali, Hindi, Gurung and English also makes me a worthy candidate to pursue Linguistics. I have been blessed enough to be familiar with Sanskrit and I regard myself amazingly lucky to be introduced to Basic Latin. All in all, I have the extra strength to thrive as a student. I know what lies ahead of me and I am capable to tackle it.

For a country succumbed to the perpetual political turmoil, not having linguistics as an area of study is of the least priority for Nepal. Therefore, I want to establish a multicultural language school where students from various rural areas will not only have the opportunity to learn English but also play a vital role through an inter-exchange language program. Nepal is culturally rich with mysterious tongues flowing through the hills and the valleys. I dream of giving it the continuity it needs and deserves.

menukagrg

Apr 1, 2012

Undergraduate / Not everyone in life deserves a second chance, georgetown personal statement [4]

1st essay-
Shouldn't it be "on March 12"
"I will be able to not only be able inspire others, but "- i will be able to not only inspire others....(typo mistake i guess)

Your essay is really personal and direct. I really do like it. Only comment would be i think wanted to read more in passage 3. You know, a little more depth while sobering. You mentioned " a near death experience" at the end of your essay so it would have had more effect if you had shed light on it. What do you think?

2nd essay-
Same as the first one. Really direct and impressive (with the savings and all).

Why didn't you submit your essays for some feedbacks? Your contents are really touching. Your writing style is great too but every essay could use some help to make it better.

Personal Note- It's amazingly inspiring to hear stories like yours. :)

menukagrg

Apr 2, 2012

Undergraduate / Not everyone in life deserves a second chance, georgetown personal statement [4]

Got it. I can see why you were reluctant to focus on the details. That's fine. Your essay is still very inspiring.
I know this website is really helpful. Sucks that you didn't discover it earlier.

Good luck :)

menukagrg

Apr 2, 2012

Scholarship / 'Not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family' - scholarship [16]

Aww, thank you. I do need to improve my writing as well. I wrote the second one because i wasn't aware of the word limit.

Good luck with yours too! :)

menukagrg

Apr 3, 2012

Graduate / Comments on Personal Statement for MRes in Biosciences [5]

I became interested in Biotechnology after high school when I went on an exchange program to Kamchatka, Russia. There I met a microbiologist named Ilya ~~and I decided to discuss with him~~with whom i discusses about my scholarship offer from the Malaysian government to study Biotechnology, to which he responded by ~~showing his culturesand~~ demonstrating the engineering processes he did. After he explained about the numerous uses of engineered microbes, I decided to accept the scholarship offer to study Biotechnology.

I just thought those two places could be made shorter. Other paragraphs looked fine. The sentences seemed a bit longer and complicated but it is meant to be i guess, since you are discussing such heavy topics.

Sorry, i'm not much of a help.
It looks like you have done and achieved a lot. Good luck with your admissions. :)

menukagrg

Apr 4, 2012

Scholarship / 'Not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family' - scholarship [16]

Okay, cool. I will work on those sentences. Care to check it out later after i edit it?
Thank you so much.

menukagrg

Apr 4, 2012

Graduate / Comments on Personal Statement for MRes in Biosciences [5]

Actually, now that i've read it again, i don't think there is any sentence that is too long. I tried to look for them but they all seem very important.

Small comment. "Hopefully I will be able ..."- maybe you shouldn't say hopefully. "My aim is to work...." or something better that shows you are adamant and capable of working with the company that you are talking about. What do you think?

menukagrg

Apr 5, 2012

Undergraduate / 'to continue promoting healthy nutrition' - Waitlist Response to UPenn [3]

"Aside from being an excellent university, the Department of Biology at Penn" - Isn't the comparision wrong here? Department of Biology is not an excellent university, Penn is so i think, it should be something like "Aside from being an excellent university, Penn also has a Biology Department that perfectly complements..."

I think i am correct but i am not sure.

menukagrg

Apr 5, 2012

Scholarship / 'Not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family' - scholarship [16]

Sorry, typing mistake. I know it should be "when i chose".

menukagrg

Apr 7, 2012

Essays / Pacifism and Confrontation with Evil: Personal Experience Essay [4]

Is it a debate essay for a class?
I love the introduction with the gist of what's coming up next. How long is this going to be since you mentioned seven circumstances that the girl faces? I will be looking forward to reading the rest of them.

Good luck:)
You've helped me with my admissions essay and it was a tremendous help. So would you mind reviewing my scholarship essay as well?

menukagrg

Apr 7, 2012

Essays / Pacifism and Confrontation with Evil: Personal Experience Essay [4]

I consider myself an honest person and think about quite a lot. You know, imagine a hypothetical situation and wonder what i would do if i were to be dealing with the a certain circumstance. I wouldn't mind renouncing my family and country for what i believe in. I believe in standing up for the truth. But it's the people whom i am afraid of. Well, imagine, i were to be exiled from the country due to my political views. What if my views were never to be understood by the government of other people? What's the point in standing up for something when no one appreciates it? Sure, i will have my head high but i think i would regret somewhere along the line. I am not saying that giving up the truth and surrending to the evil is the solution but i guess, one has to know the consequences of setting his/her ground.

I am not sure what i am talking about but i am excited to read your essay now.

menukagrg

Apr 7, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Amount of control on media information [10]

The ending looks a bit unfinished. Good luck with your essay. It's a very nice try. You do not have to put statistics but if you know some, then it wouldn't hurt to include them in your essay. English is also my second language. So don't worry, i can tell, you have a very good commad of English. :) Keep it up.

menukagrg

Apr 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Chemical Engineering - Waitlist essay for UC Davis [4]

UC Davis has always been my top choice for college throughout my high school life. My ardent interest in math and science has propelled me towards chemical engineering which i believe would prosper through UC Davis's extremely impressive engineering program. Furthermore, UC Davis's extensive resources, I believe, will fuel my determination and push me towards my goal. My commitment towards chemical engineering has enabled me to take three AP classes, of which two are Chemistry and Calculus AB. Personally, I have emphasized on/ dreamed of thriving on a secluded studying environment which is prevalent in UC Davis, with also a metropolis that gives a sense of home.

The ending is still not good enough. Do you really want to focus on the location of the school? You can just talk about your education and acheivements.

Good luck. :)

menukagrg

Apr 7, 2012

Scholarship / 'Not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family' - scholarship [16]

Thank you for your feedback. :)

I do get what you are trying to say regarding the use of "I". With the "I", I was trying to get the confident vibe since the question asks "what qualities do I have that make me an outstanding applicant?" I thought it would kinda give the strong vibe to the scholarship committee. Do you think it sounds a little too much, too over confident (which i am not)?

Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

menukagrg

Apr 8, 2012

Scholarship / 'Not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family' - scholarship [16]

Roger that! :) Thank you for your feedback.

Well, i didn't write more about my love for language because the degree i applied to is English Language and Linguistics. So i have to mention a little bit about the English language as well. Plus, the word limit is 400 so i feel as if that's the most i can do with both of them. I also have to have the last paragraph. I think the first paragraph could be taken out, but i really want to portray my financial situation. I would have loved to add more feeling towards my father but again, the word limit sucks.

So after this "insight", do you think the essay works out nicely? Or do you still standby your comment? I want to do the best i can do with this essay so everyone's comments are really appreciated.

Thanks again. :)

menukagrg

Apr 10, 2012

Scholarship / 'Not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family' - scholarship [16]

Thank you very much. I will see how i can rewrite it. :)

menukagrg

Apr 12, 2012

Essays / Essay introduction ('reflect on a situation when you tried to quit and addiction?') [3]

You could start your first paragraph with how you feel when you bite your nail. You can make it dramatic by being vague in the first couple of sentences and then slowly point the readers towards the nail biting bit. (I don't know if it makes sense). Include what urges you to bite your nails and what you get from doing it.

On the second paragraph, you can talk about the cons of your habit and your struggle with the quitting process. You can end your paragraph with a sentence where you decided to actually quit it.

Finally, you can go into details about how you were able to quit it.

I hope this helped. Why don't you just write whatever you want to and then organize the essay later?

Good luck. :)