lavender_pham
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'European-Asian cultures and the American openness' - specific questions [9]
mimictt
I added
mimictt
I added
lavender_pham
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'European-Asian cultures and the American openness' - specific questions [9]
I don't have skype. I do have facebook, but you cannot find me since I privated it. What is your email address or your Profile name on Facebook?
I don't have skype. I do have facebook, but you cannot find me since I privated it. What is your email address or your Profile name on Facebook?
lavender_pham
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'European-Asian cultures and the American openness' - specific questions [9]
It is up to you to decide. Remember, value every single word you choose. Do not feel obligated to the 500 word limits, no one is going to count it (but it still need to be less than 600)
Furthermore, a good writer should know the exact thing to say that makes the essay powerful, clear, and adds further to its meaning.
So, you can talk about all 3, or maybe just 1, anything makes you STAND OUT from thousands other essays the AO receives.
By the way, you do not need to write about multi-culture, you know. Open microsoft word, list everything about you that you are PROUD of, something that you feel no one else have. List it first then you will know what to write.
My yahoo IM is lavender_pham if you want to talk to me for detail (I hope you speak Vietnamese lol)
It is up to you to decide. Remember, value every single word you choose. Do not feel obligated to the 500 word limits, no one is going to count it (but it still need to be less than 600)
Furthermore, a good writer should know the exact thing to say that makes the essay powerful, clear, and adds further to its meaning.
So, you can talk about all 3, or maybe just 1, anything makes you STAND OUT from thousands other essays the AO receives.
By the way, you do not need to write about multi-culture, you know. Open microsoft word, list everything about you that you are PROUD of, something that you feel no one else have. List it first then you will know what to write.
My yahoo IM is lavender_pham if you want to talk to me for detail (I hope you speak Vietnamese lol)
lavender_pham
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 500 words essay - Independence and Curiosity [2]
Hi all, this is my 500 words essay on "Topic of your choice"
I hope I can receive as much feed back as possible. And my main questions are
1/ What can you tell about me after reading the essay?
2/ Did my message get across?
Thank you very much!
==================================
My music teacher did not answer me. She turned to my homeroom teacher instead, her eyebrows knitted into a line, and her smile dropped as she asked, "Why is she always asking too much? She is already in third grade..."
I could feel the blood cells competed each other to show off themselves beneath the skin on my face. The question she made seemed to say I was so stupid that I could not even understand what my classmates already understood. I stepped backward, turned, and marched back to my seat with head held high. Carrying a wounded pride, I walked passively through the rest of the day, and the following days.
New lessons became enemies as they continuously challenged the resistance of my pride. Questions built up an army and attacked the thick metal wall. Suddenly, my whole body stiffened, then frozen. My eyes stared at the blackboard. Without blinking, my pupils traced the problem back and forth, step by step. The brain followed immediately with logical analyses, using rules and laws it mesmerized to satisfy all the why's and how's soldiers who flooded in my head. I was totally behind the new unit that the teacher was teaching. It was no use to move on to an advanced lesson without clearly understood the simpler one. Of course, after the army of questions disappeared, I had to race to catch up.
My brain, however, often got tired and fell behind, which added more homework on my agenda. The moment I got home, I threw my backpack aside, climb onto the wooden desk, and eagerly open my books. I began to read, carefully and thoroughly, multiple times what I did not understand, and tried my best to explain it to myself. As if to make things easier for me, my brain developed the ability to quickly recognize and classify patterns to simplify problems I encountered.
Many years flew by. I figured that nothing could really stop my nature curiosity from firing questions out - a habit that often made me got onto peoples' nerves, I guessed. Like four days ago, when the teacher gave a lecture on different art styles, I only asked a couple questions about the realism style I love, and I heard a voice behind me, "Why is she asking so many questions?" It was not the first time I heard the same thing from my peers or the adults - who showed the same expression as my music teacher - said that. I grew accustom to that and look at that as an everyday compliment. The disadvantage of not asking was that I would neither fully understand what I need to nor able to improve my own knowledge, especially when I learned everything in second language now.
I can independently work by myself and teach myself new material without making too much questions. However, I cannot stop seeking for more knowledge by asking questions, which is the easiest and fastest way to receive an answer. I am lucky to have the combination of both, which always help me to become a better student.
Hi all, this is my 500 words essay on "Topic of your choice"
I hope I can receive as much feed back as possible. And my main questions are
1/ What can you tell about me after reading the essay?
2/ Did my message get across?
Thank you very much!
==================================
My music teacher did not answer me. She turned to my homeroom teacher instead, her eyebrows knitted into a line, and her smile dropped as she asked, "Why is she always asking too much? She is already in third grade..."
I could feel the blood cells competed each other to show off themselves beneath the skin on my face. The question she made seemed to say I was so stupid that I could not even understand what my classmates already understood. I stepped backward, turned, and marched back to my seat with head held high. Carrying a wounded pride, I walked passively through the rest of the day, and the following days.
New lessons became enemies as they continuously challenged the resistance of my pride. Questions built up an army and attacked the thick metal wall. Suddenly, my whole body stiffened, then frozen. My eyes stared at the blackboard. Without blinking, my pupils traced the problem back and forth, step by step. The brain followed immediately with logical analyses, using rules and laws it mesmerized to satisfy all the why's and how's soldiers who flooded in my head. I was totally behind the new unit that the teacher was teaching. It was no use to move on to an advanced lesson without clearly understood the simpler one. Of course, after the army of questions disappeared, I had to race to catch up.
My brain, however, often got tired and fell behind, which added more homework on my agenda. The moment I got home, I threw my backpack aside, climb onto the wooden desk, and eagerly open my books. I began to read, carefully and thoroughly, multiple times what I did not understand, and tried my best to explain it to myself. As if to make things easier for me, my brain developed the ability to quickly recognize and classify patterns to simplify problems I encountered.
Many years flew by. I figured that nothing could really stop my nature curiosity from firing questions out - a habit that often made me got onto peoples' nerves, I guessed. Like four days ago, when the teacher gave a lecture on different art styles, I only asked a couple questions about the realism style I love, and I heard a voice behind me, "Why is she asking so many questions?" It was not the first time I heard the same thing from my peers or the adults - who showed the same expression as my music teacher - said that. I grew accustom to that and look at that as an everyday compliment. The disadvantage of not asking was that I would neither fully understand what I need to nor able to improve my own knowledge, especially when I learned everything in second language now.
I can independently work by myself and teach myself new material without making too much questions. However, I cannot stop seeking for more knowledge by asking questions, which is the easiest and fastest way to receive an answer. I am lucky to have the combination of both, which always help me to become a better student.
lavender_pham
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'European-Asian cultures and the American openness' - specific questions [9]
When I entered the classroom, the sound of children throwing the building blocks and banging on the toy house diminished as gazes fell upon me, one by one [No, 'one by one' here adds nothing to your intention. Plus, shorten this phrase "sound of children throwing the building blocks and banging on the toy house" it is too long and sounds awkward - lủng củng]. As I walked past the children, they pulled the sides of their eyes and uttered nonsensical syllables ching chong [No, it is not. It sounds like they are curious about you. However, you can add your feeling by saying "I could feel the curious glance upon my appearance: black hair and black eyes. I had a sudden fear 'what if I would not fit in?'.]. With eyes a bit watery, I looked up and smiled. A child came up to me and offered to play [No. Not here. You can say "The sights got blurry as a sheer liquid blocked it. Then, a child came to me with a huge smile in his/her face. I looked up and smile back]. And then At that moment, I knew that I could find comfort in laughing back with them.
Born in Poland to Vietnamese parents I learned at the first day of kindergarten to recognize my black hair and small frame among a crowd of cherubic golden haired children. After that first daunting day, I blended in with children as if I'd always been one of them. The more time I spent playing with them the less often I saw them pull the sides of their eyes to imitate my almond shaped eyes. The more often I spoke Polish in front of them [Yes, it is. ], the less often I heard them imitate the sound of my language. I started calling my parents "Mamusiu" and "Tatusiu", however, they always replied in Vietnamese [is it obvious that I started speaking Polish to them? or should I explain it in the essay?]. No matter how often I tried to develop the inner Polish in me, my parents always reminded me to follow the Vietnamese traditions at home. Eating pierogies with fork at school and poking the rice with chopsticks at home [is this sentence a bit random? i wanted to put it here to evoke the cultural differences that i experienced]; I adopted the two cultures and oscillated between the them as the day breaks [i don't know how to describe this... is there an expression that indicates nightime changes to daytime and vice versa?]. Nevertheless, the comfort I habitually found vanished when I turned eight.
The confusion at the first day of school, once again, revisited me [awkward? revisited me?]. Without prior preparation in French, I was enrolled in a French school in town. In class I scribbled down every word I could hear. At home, the voice of TV5MONDE news anchor and the music of Celine Dion filled the house as I tried to look up words from the notes I took in class and put them together to make sense of what the teacher said [too long of a sentence?]. By the time my parents got back from work, the TV was turned off and Celine Dion music was switched off [is there a better way to avoid passive verbs and the verb to be in this sentence?]. The smell of the steaming rice and the sound of Vietnamese folk songs once again dominated the house. Henceforth, the period between school and dinner became the time in which I practiced my language skills and enriched my cultural understanding. By the time I reached middle school, I thought and dreamt in French.
Yet as a preadolescent girl, I didn't want to be accepted because of my differences. I wanted to feel belonged because of the similarities I share with people. I decided to attend high school in America [maybe a transition?]. Being already multicultured, I thought I could easily glide in the American culture [awkward? too figurative?], however,
I come from convervative European-Asian cultures, in which thoughts are kept to self; thus when I got there, the sudden outburst of welcomes and passionate expressions of one's belief baffled me [should I show instead of tell?]. Sometimes what I am equipped with is not as important as how I deal with situations [i'm not sure you get the meaning that i'm trying to convey here. it might seem a bit random]. In such a culturally diverse environment, the only way to let people know of your existance is to openly state your opinions. At first, I absorbed all the ideas shared and observed the manner in which they were said. Now, I share my opninions and defend them while paying close attention to the way I express them.
As much I love the American openness, every time I come home I go back to being the traditional Vietnamese daughter all over again. I adapt to each environment I'm in, whether it's conversing in French with friends, saying "hi" in Polish to my neighbors, talking about the past in Vietnamese with family, or writing an essay in English for school. Yet in me, it's always all the thoughts selected from each culture put together to form my own perspective at once.
I CANNOT figure out what is your thesis. You DID NOT have a point!
"As much I love the American openness, every time I come home I go back to being the traditional Vietnamese daughter all over again." If this is your thesis, make it clear. At the beginning of the essay, I feel like you are ashamed of your appearance, of who you are.
Your essay mainly TELLs. American essays prefer you to SHOW. You tell what happened, but the admission wants you to SHOW who you are. How did you overcome obstacles.
I quit in the middle helping you with specific questions in the essay. You are telling a b-o-r-i-n-g story. I'm sorry if I hurt your feeling. I struggled through these essays in the past months, so I know what is it to be a good essay (although I'm not good at writing one)
additional questions:
- Is it okay to use contractions in a college essay? - NO. IT IS NEVER OKAY TO DO SO! It makes a good essay less valuable
- is it okay to use figurative language? - Yes, it is, but make sure it is clear
- what do you think of each paragraph in the essay? i think it's very hard to write about this topic in just 500 words, but i really want to let the admission officers know that multiculturalism is my strength. Do you think that each example from each paragraph is convincing? - NO. I am terribly sorry but your essay is not CLEAR. Again, what you need to do is show them. Show them how did you adapt the culture, how did you proud as who you are, how you feel about being multi-cultural, what can that help you, why are you different/unique from other thousands essay of Vietnamese and other ethnic groups immigrants?
- the last concluding paragraph sounds a bit cliche. i was wondering if you get the idea that I adapt accordingly to each environment that i'm in yet in my head , it's all the cultures at once. i don't want to sound like someone who goes out and learn tons of stuff and then go back home not contributing anything... - what matter is not you contribute anything to others, but how those thing contributes to build up who you are.
- is the essay overall coherent? - A little bit
- what can your learn about me when reading this essay? - You live in different places. You show that you love Vietnamese culture the most (not very clear but I got it)
- can you point out any grammatical errors? I'm really bad a recognizing grammar stuff. - revise your essay, then I'll help you. By the way, think in English, not Vietnamese or Polish.
When I entered the classroom, the sound of children throwing the building blocks and banging on the toy house diminished as gazes fell upon me, one by one [No, 'one by one' here adds nothing to your intention. Plus, shorten this phrase "sound of children throwing the building blocks and banging on the toy house" it is too long and sounds awkward - lủng củng]. As I walked past the children, they pulled the sides of their eyes and uttered nonsensical syllables ching chong [No, it is not. It sounds like they are curious about you. However, you can add your feeling by saying "I could feel the curious glance upon my appearance: black hair and black eyes. I had a sudden fear 'what if I would not fit in?'.]. With eyes a bit watery, I looked up and smiled. A child came up to me and offered to play [No. Not here. You can say "The sights got blurry as a sheer liquid blocked it. Then, a child came to me with a huge smile in his/her face. I looked up and smile back]. And then At that moment, I knew that I could find comfort in laughing back with them.
Born in Poland to Vietnamese parents I learned at the first day of kindergarten to recognize my black hair and small frame among a crowd of cherubic golden haired children. After that first daunting day, I blended in with children as if I'd always been one of them. The more time I spent playing with them the less often I saw them pull the sides of their eyes to imitate my almond shaped eyes. The more often I spoke Polish in front of them [Yes, it is. ], the less often I heard them imitate the sound of my language. I started calling my parents "Mamusiu" and "Tatusiu", however, they always replied in Vietnamese [is it obvious that I started speaking Polish to them? or should I explain it in the essay?]. No matter how often I tried to develop the inner Polish in me, my parents always reminded me to follow the Vietnamese traditions at home. Eating pierogies with fork at school and poking the rice with chopsticks at home [is this sentence a bit random? i wanted to put it here to evoke the cultural differences that i experienced]; I adopted the two cultures and oscillated between the them as the day breaks [i don't know how to describe this... is there an expression that indicates nightime changes to daytime and vice versa?]. Nevertheless, the comfort I habitually found vanished when I turned eight.
The confusion at the first day of school, once again, revisited me [awkward? revisited me?]. Without prior preparation in French, I was enrolled in a French school in town. In class I scribbled down every word I could hear. At home, the voice of TV5MONDE news anchor and the music of Celine Dion filled the house as I tried to look up words from the notes I took in class and put them together to make sense of what the teacher said [too long of a sentence?]. By the time my parents got back from work, the TV was turned off and Celine Dion music was switched off [is there a better way to avoid passive verbs and the verb to be in this sentence?]. The smell of the steaming rice and the sound of Vietnamese folk songs once again dominated the house. Henceforth, the period between school and dinner became the time in which I practiced my language skills and enriched my cultural understanding. By the time I reached middle school, I thought and dreamt in French.
Yet as a preadolescent girl, I didn't want to be accepted because of my differences. I wanted to feel belonged because of the similarities I share with people. I decided to attend high school in America [maybe a transition?]. Being already multicultured, I thought I could easily glide in the American culture [awkward? too figurative?], however,
I come from convervative European-Asian cultures, in which thoughts are kept to self; thus when I got there, the sudden outburst of welcomes and passionate expressions of one's belief baffled me [should I show instead of tell?]. Sometimes what I am equipped with is not as important as how I deal with situations [i'm not sure you get the meaning that i'm trying to convey here. it might seem a bit random]. In such a culturally diverse environment, the only way to let people know of your existance is to openly state your opinions. At first, I absorbed all the ideas shared and observed the manner in which they were said. Now, I share my opninions and defend them while paying close attention to the way I express them.
As much I love the American openness, every time I come home I go back to being the traditional Vietnamese daughter all over again. I adapt to each environment I'm in, whether it's conversing in French with friends, saying "hi" in Polish to my neighbors, talking about the past in Vietnamese with family, or writing an essay in English for school. Yet in me, it's always all the thoughts selected from each culture put together to form my own perspective at once.
I CANNOT figure out what is your thesis. You DID NOT have a point!
"As much I love the American openness, every time I come home I go back to being the traditional Vietnamese daughter all over again." If this is your thesis, make it clear. At the beginning of the essay, I feel like you are ashamed of your appearance, of who you are.
Your essay mainly TELLs. American essays prefer you to SHOW. You tell what happened, but the admission wants you to SHOW who you are. How did you overcome obstacles.
I quit in the middle helping you with specific questions in the essay. You are telling a b-o-r-i-n-g story. I'm sorry if I hurt your feeling. I struggled through these essays in the past months, so I know what is it to be a good essay (although I'm not good at writing one)
additional questions:
- Is it okay to use contractions in a college essay? - NO. IT IS NEVER OKAY TO DO SO! It makes a good essay less valuable
- is it okay to use figurative language? - Yes, it is, but make sure it is clear
- what do you think of each paragraph in the essay? i think it's very hard to write about this topic in just 500 words, but i really want to let the admission officers know that multiculturalism is my strength. Do you think that each example from each paragraph is convincing? - NO. I am terribly sorry but your essay is not CLEAR. Again, what you need to do is show them. Show them how did you adapt the culture, how did you proud as who you are, how you feel about being multi-cultural, what can that help you, why are you different/unique from other thousands essay of Vietnamese and other ethnic groups immigrants?
- the last concluding paragraph sounds a bit cliche. i was wondering if you get the idea that I adapt accordingly to each environment that i'm in yet in my head , it's all the cultures at once. i don't want to sound like someone who goes out and learn tons of stuff and then go back home not contributing anything... - what matter is not you contribute anything to others, but how those thing contributes to build up who you are.
- is the essay overall coherent? - A little bit
- what can your learn about me when reading this essay? - You live in different places. You show that you love Vietnamese culture the most (not very clear but I got it)
- can you point out any grammatical errors? I'm really bad a recognizing grammar stuff. - revise your essay, then I'll help you. By the way, think in English, not Vietnamese or Polish.
lavender_pham
Nov 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Limited access to art' - VCU admission/ Personal Statement [3]
Is I was born with creativity in art or art talent seems so... arrogant ?
Anyhow, I revised my essay, this one will be final since due date is December 1st. So, please help !!!
The birds I drew flew out to life, the little plaster elf stole my coffee, and the powerful phoenix conquered the bird kingdom with its enormous brushstrokes flame. The graphite ladies are not as real as Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa but I've never stopped trying to improve.
Beside general drawing, designing comes to me naturally. The designs looks luxury if I let my mind wanders in the dreamy world of princes and princesses. They will give a strong characteristic with short and comfortable design for anyone who wears them if my mind goes onto an adventure. The wishes to be beautiful and stand out are my goals for each piece I design, which makes my two hundreds designs are distinguished.
My arts often reveal beauty of moment, expression of events, captured scene of nature; and sometimes, those moments are unreal. My designs have the strangeness for casual wear, uniqueness with no repetition, and dreamlike of fairy tale.
I want to have more experiences and improve myself as my access to art has been limited. I want a balance in my life, when I enjoy doing what I do and still able to take care of my family. With art, I can achieve that goal. Then, I heard of VCU, a school that has great art program places fourth in the country. More than that, the campus is away from home, which allows me to have college experiences, and also at a low cost.
Art and creativity are in me. Give me a pencil... No, it does not have to be a pencil, just any material that can leave marks behind like rocks. I can sit for hours just to draw nonstop.
Is I was born with creativity in art or art talent seems so... arrogant ?
Anyhow, I revised my essay, this one will be final since due date is December 1st. So, please help !!!
The birds I drew flew out to life, the little plaster elf stole my coffee, and the powerful phoenix conquered the bird kingdom with its enormous brushstrokes flame. The graphite ladies are not as real as Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa but I've never stopped trying to improve.
Beside general drawing, designing comes to me naturally. The designs looks luxury if I let my mind wanders in the dreamy world of princes and princesses. They will give a strong characteristic with short and comfortable design for anyone who wears them if my mind goes onto an adventure. The wishes to be beautiful and stand out are my goals for each piece I design, which makes my two hundreds designs are distinguished.
My arts often reveal beauty of moment, expression of events, captured scene of nature; and sometimes, those moments are unreal. My designs have the strangeness for casual wear, uniqueness with no repetition, and dreamlike of fairy tale.
I want to have more experiences and improve myself as my access to art has been limited. I want a balance in my life, when I enjoy doing what I do and still able to take care of my family. With art, I can achieve that goal. Then, I heard of VCU, a school that has great art program places fourth in the country. More than that, the campus is away from home, which allows me to have college experiences, and also at a low cost.
Art and creativity are in me. Give me a pencil... No, it does not have to be a pencil, just any material that can leave marks behind like rocks. I can sit for hours just to draw nonstop.
lavender_pham
Nov 27, 2011
Scholarship / 'continuously standing up' - Compose "Page 87" autobiography [9]
Oh yes, it was. Thank you for pointing it out. This was the 3rd revision so I copied-pasted sentences all over the place.
Thanks =)
Oh yes, it was. Thank you for pointing it out. This was the 3rd revision so I copied-pasted sentences all over the place.
Thanks =)
lavender_pham
Nov 27, 2011
Scholarship / 'continuously standing up' - Compose "Page 87" autobiography [9]
Hi iruchan, your application theme seemed to be different than mine. Did you use this online application ssb.vcu.edu/proddad/twbkwbis.P_GenMenu?name=homepage ? Are you international student or transferring student?
I am not sure about the application you are using, but mine does have a check list, I would click to the essay question and there would be space for me to type in. You should try to click to the additional requirements or browse all the tabs it had.
Here are my application format
Hi iruchan, your application theme seemed to be different than mine. Did you use this online application ssb.vcu.edu/proddad/twbkwbis.P_GenMenu?name=homepage ? Are you international student or transferring student?
I am not sure about the application you are using, but mine does have a check list, I would click to the essay question and there would be space for me to type in. You should try to click to the additional requirements or browse all the tabs it had.
Here are my application format
Untitled2.png
Untitled3.png
lavender_pham
Nov 27, 2011
Scholarship / 'continuously standing up' - Compose "Page 87" autobiography [9]
Thank you iruchan. And yes, I am Vietnamese. The scholarship essay section is right below the personal statement (it's on the same page of the other essay)
Thank you shmacero.
I understand why this essay doesn't seem to make sense. As the requirement, it said to be creative.
_Although I started with "However" but I later clarified that I stuck at a traffic light while I was in a hurry.
_Speeding was not my intention because right after that was "clean record", which means I was a careful driver (and later in the essay, when people learn about my intention of speeding, to see family, it was supposed to say that I put my family on top of everything else.
_The McChicken and icecream, although my favorite, but "cost no more than $3" which made sense when I said I only worked and saved. This was supposed to say that I weight my money and restricted myself on how I want to use it.
_The reality realization at the near end was supposed to be that I understood myself very well, and I was not a so dreamy person all the time as it might seemed throughout the essay.
So these are important points I wanted to make about myself without obviously telling it.
After I received feedback from the lady at the career center, she said the essay was muddy while everything must be clear. I added VCUart which seemed so OBVIOUSLY EXXAGERATION (according to my English teacher). In the other hand, my English teacher didn't think this essay muddy, only needed to fix some irrelevant sentences. So... I'm in a terrible confusion as I have no idea which direction to go, and the application due next week. *sigh*
Thanks for your help! After you read the clarification above, does it seem clear at all (within the essay)? Because if the admission office only read it once and not catch the essay fully, then I'm dead.
Thank you iruchan. And yes, I am Vietnamese. The scholarship essay section is right below the personal statement (it's on the same page of the other essay)
Thank you shmacero.
I understand why this essay doesn't seem to make sense. As the requirement, it said to be creative.
_Although I started with "However" but I later clarified that I stuck at a traffic light while I was in a hurry.
_Speeding was not my intention because right after that was "clean record", which means I was a careful driver (and later in the essay, when people learn about my intention of speeding, to see family, it was supposed to say that I put my family on top of everything else.
_The McChicken and icecream, although my favorite, but "cost no more than $3" which made sense when I said I only worked and saved. This was supposed to say that I weight my money and restricted myself on how I want to use it.
_The reality realization at the near end was supposed to be that I understood myself very well, and I was not a so dreamy person all the time as it might seemed throughout the essay.
So these are important points I wanted to make about myself without obviously telling it.
After I received feedback from the lady at the career center, she said the essay was muddy while everything must be clear. I added VCUart which seemed so OBVIOUSLY EXXAGERATION (according to my English teacher). In the other hand, my English teacher didn't think this essay muddy, only needed to fix some irrelevant sentences. So... I'm in a terrible confusion as I have no idea which direction to go, and the application due next week. *sigh*
Thanks for your help! After you read the clarification above, does it seem clear at all (within the essay)? Because if the admission office only read it once and not catch the essay fully, then I'm dead.
lavender_pham
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No difficulties living in an English speaking environment' - Cincinnati statement [4]
You need more commas as you have so many run-on sentences. You need a connection between the first and second paragraph. You may say something like "My English skill has helped me to adapt the environment here quicker, so dissimilarities in culture and lifestyle won't be a burden to me. In facts, I enjoyed it..."
_Even if you are exchange student, you should not say "this trip".
_It would be better if you say "The time I spent there (Illinois)..."
_Before "Living....", add "For examples,..."
_It's "Vietnam", not "Viet Nam"
_ You don't need this "because the cost of living here is much higher than in Viet Nam"
_"My English skills were sharpened and my knowledge about America improved considerably." This sentence has no relationship with others previous ideas. You need a few sentences in between or break it down to another paragraph.
_"I believe I will be an active member and help making our community varying and energetic ." => counter example? proofs? You did not mention anything about this during your essay, why would you put it at the end? If you want to keep it, add something else, more, to the third paragraph.
I'm struggling with college essay, too. I'm not good at fixing my own, but my picky characteristics allow me an adequate skill to fix others'
Hope you don't mind.
You need more commas as you have so many run-on sentences. You need a connection between the first and second paragraph. You may say something like "My English skill has helped me to adapt the environment here quicker, so dissimilarities in culture and lifestyle won't be a burden to me. In facts, I enjoyed it..."
_Even if you are exchange student, you should not say "this trip".
_It would be better if you say "The time I spent there (Illinois)..."
_Before "Living....", add "For examples,..."
_It's "Vietnam", not "Viet Nam"
_ You don't need this "because the cost of living here is much higher than in Viet Nam"
_"My English skills were sharpened and my knowledge about America improved considerably." This sentence has no relationship with others previous ideas. You need a few sentences in between or break it down to another paragraph.
_"I believe I will be an active member and help making our community varying and energetic ." => counter example? proofs? You did not mention anything about this during your essay, why would you put it at the end? If you want to keep it, add something else, more, to the third paragraph.
I'm struggling with college essay, too. I'm not good at fixing my own, but my picky characteristics allow me an adequate skill to fix others'
Hope you don't mind.
lavender_pham
Nov 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Limited access to art' - VCU admission/ Personal Statement [3]
I'm really struggling through the college admission process. I heard everything must be succinct and clear. However, readers often find my essay confusing.
This is my third revision for VCU undergraduate admission essay. I tried to be focus and short and clear. Please read over and feel free to criticize it.
Thank you very much.
Topics: Brief Personal Statement ï IN 250-300 words, tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU
============================
The birds I drew flew out to life, the little plaster elf stole my coffee, and the powerful phoenix conquered the bird kingdom with its enormous brush strokes flame. The graphite ladies are not as real as Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa but I've never stopped trying to improve.
Art and creativity are in me. I can sit for hours just to draw nonstop. Give me a pencil, I'll bring you into paper, then back to life. No, it does not have to be a pencil, just any material that can leave marks behind like rocks.
I often use visual art to express the beauty of one specific second, which won't appear for a second time despite how hard I try to mimic it. Nature beauty is one of the kinds; and natural occurrence is once in a life time. I treasure every second and want to capture those very moments.
Similar to general drawing, designing comes to me naturally. I just need to sketch, and after a long process full of effort, the sketch becomes an original and unique design. Most of my designs are clothes. My random collection currently contains more than two hundreds distinguish designs, which are not influenced by any fashion magazines or designers. Yet, from the design of a pen to the structure of a car or highways, as long as it is art, I'm involved.
I had limited access to art since sixth grade, and that makes me vulnerable for imperfection and weaknesses within my artworks. I want to have more experiences and improve myself. Then, I heard of VCU, a school that has great art program places fourth in the whole country. More than that, the campus is away from home, which allows me to have college experiences, especially at a low cost.
Word Count: 300
I'm really struggling through the college admission process. I heard everything must be succinct and clear. However, readers often find my essay confusing.
This is my third revision for VCU undergraduate admission essay. I tried to be focus and short and clear. Please read over and feel free to criticize it.
Thank you very much.
Topics: Brief Personal Statement ï IN 250-300 words, tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU
============================
The birds I drew flew out to life, the little plaster elf stole my coffee, and the powerful phoenix conquered the bird kingdom with its enormous brush strokes flame. The graphite ladies are not as real as Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa but I've never stopped trying to improve.
Art and creativity are in me. I can sit for hours just to draw nonstop. Give me a pencil, I'll bring you into paper, then back to life. No, it does not have to be a pencil, just any material that can leave marks behind like rocks.
I often use visual art to express the beauty of one specific second, which won't appear for a second time despite how hard I try to mimic it. Nature beauty is one of the kinds; and natural occurrence is once in a life time. I treasure every second and want to capture those very moments.
Similar to general drawing, designing comes to me naturally. I just need to sketch, and after a long process full of effort, the sketch becomes an original and unique design. Most of my designs are clothes. My random collection currently contains more than two hundreds distinguish designs, which are not influenced by any fashion magazines or designers. Yet, from the design of a pen to the structure of a car or highways, as long as it is art, I'm involved.
I had limited access to art since sixth grade, and that makes me vulnerable for imperfection and weaknesses within my artworks. I want to have more experiences and improve myself. Then, I heard of VCU, a school that has great art program places fourth in the whole country. More than that, the campus is away from home, which allows me to have college experiences, especially at a low cost.
Word Count: 300
lavender_pham
Nov 16, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing test-equal gender in university [2]
... And now, another question appeared, is it necessary to provide equal access to male and female to every subject in university?I believe the question is about "Should Universities accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject?". The way you phrased it made reader confuses of what you were trying to answer
It is widely accepted that men and women have different ways of thinking, which contribute to their talent in different subject. In most cases, women are more emotional and sensitive, so they can perform better in literature and education subjects. Whereas, the mind of male are likely designed to deal withITinformation technology and physical problems.
Therefore, the admission commitment will give boys more opportunities than girls to enter science class because of their ability to understand this subject more easily rather than because of their gender. Word choice confusion! Why did you use "will" here and later said it was a "suggestion".
I made this suggestion because Ireally suffersuffered an unpleasant time with physics and chemistry classes . In China, students arewere required to study in either science or arts in high school. I followed my parents' advisc e of studyingto study science, which was a terrible decision. All 6 girls in my class worked so hard in study, but we still fell behind the boys who didn't take the courses seriously. Later on, I changed my major to arts and performed well in all my courses, including history, geography and politics. Therefore, I realized that different people suit for different major. And the difference can be extremely obvious when it comes to the gender.
====
I am a very bad writer myself and often make lots of grammar mistakes. However, you made plenty of grammar mistakes on tenses. Your diction and the way you put it together made the essay very confused. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what side are you on. You need to be clear and direct to what you want to say.
... And now, another question appeared, is it necessary to provide equal access to male and female to every subject in university?I believe the question is about "Should Universities accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject?". The way you phrased it made reader confuses of what you were trying to answer
It is widely accepted that men and women have different ways of thinking, which contribute to their talent in different subject. In most cases, women are more emotional and sensitive, so they can perform better in literature and education subjects. Whereas, the mind of male are likely designed to deal with
Therefore, the admission commitment will give boys more opportunities than girls to enter science class because of their ability to understand this subject more easily rather than because of their gender. Word choice confusion! Why did you use "will" here and later said it was a "suggestion".
I made this suggestion because I
====
I am a very bad writer myself and often make lots of grammar mistakes. However, you made plenty of grammar mistakes on tenses. Your diction and the way you put it together made the essay very confused. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what side are you on. You need to be clear and direct to what you want to say.
lavender_pham
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Steve Jobs had an affect on me' - influential person Common App [2]
I am not very good at college essay, but I hope my comment will help.
According to the lady at the career center at my school, college admission give you all kind of topics for the essays, but what they want to know is you. So everything must be clear. And I guess, at the very beginning of the essay, you need to be "catchy" by saying something unique about you, no one else.
Your essay, Steve Jobs's quote was about 30% of your essay and his accomplishment is another 30%. College don't want to know about Steve Jobs. I suggest you start with similar idea as the third paragraph and begin to work from there. Tell them what changes occur in you rather than what changes you.
Hope I helped.
I am not very good at college essay, but I hope my comment will help.
According to the lady at the career center at my school, college admission give you all kind of topics for the essays, but what they want to know is you. So everything must be clear. And I guess, at the very beginning of the essay, you need to be "catchy" by saying something unique about you, no one else.
Your essay, Steve Jobs's quote was about 30% of your essay and his accomplishment is another 30%. College don't want to know about Steve Jobs. I suggest you start with similar idea as the third paragraph and begin to work from there. Tell them what changes occur in you rather than what changes you.
Hope I helped.
lavender_pham
Nov 15, 2011
Scholarship / 'continuously standing up' - Compose "Page 87" autobiography [9]
Hello, I'm having difficulties writing the essay as I received two different comment upon it.
Prompt: Compose "Page 87" of your autobiography. In this essay, consider where your life story would be at this point.
My English teacher said the essay DID say a lot about me, a coordinator said she liked the essay because it was not too obvious. However, the lady at the career center said she did not see anything about me, I was being unrealistic, and although it was page 87, I was supposed to explain who were the people I mentioned in my essay. She wanted everything as clear as the sky.
Please read and give me some comment, regarding my bad grammar.
==========
However, I did not stomp on the gas pedal, although I really wanted to. I tapped my fingers on the wheel, counting impatiently. The November breeze was above fifty, but I decided to turn the heat to the highest temperature, hoping to calm myself down before the traffic light turned green.
Right after I got to exit 52 headed toward I-495, despite several car horns for my reckless driving and the risk of getting the first ticket ever on my clean driving record, I rushed the car to the carpool lane on the farthest left of the highway. I could not remember the exact speed I was driving, but I knew I was flying past cars. I did not bother to slow down though; my head was filled with excitement as I headed straight to Dulles Airport.
It was almost seven. My mom would not be at the airport anytime soon because she knew aunt Trang and her family would not land in Virginia for another three hours. I knew that too. But it was the day my dream finally come true, the day I had waited since junior high. I wouldn't have much patience to sit back and relax, have some dinner, and wait for the time flew by. It was just not my usual style to patiently wait for something to happen. My first fourteen years sharing the same roof with them was all I had. Now, after fifteen years long, it was the moment I could see them all day every day, and live with them until I aged and died.
I'd been preparing for that long as well: I studied, I learned, I worked, I saved money; and then I worked, and saved more money. Just in time, I could finally afford to make a down payment for a house of my own design, which was based on the idea of family as a big circle: wherever one goes, he or she would end up at the starting point, the origin of success - family. I loved to create, and create from things I love. But, until now, the house was a secret, even to my mom. The construction needed a few more months to complete; and I also needed to take them to IKEA to find out their favorite beds, lights, decorations and buy those in secret.
My phone rang and pulled me away from the stream of dreamy thoughts. It was my mom. She asked me if I would be home for dinner or go straight to the airport. I told her I was driving to Dulles, but I would stop by McDonald to get some McChicken and ice-cream, which usually cost no more than three dollars and enough for my growling stomach until 11 pm. She didn't seem to be satisfied; she demanded me to "buy something good to eat" before she hung up. To her, my age could not change the fact that I was still younger than her, which allowed her to never really treat me as a grown-up. But, I'd never acted as an adult in front of her anyway.
But I guess her concerns were understandable. In the past few days, I tried to finish all the marketing plans and important documents I needed to do; I also have the new spring collection ready before deadline. I was exhausted but that paid off later as it allowed me to call tomorrow and ask for a week off. I actually thought about having a month off instead of just a week, since it wouldn't give me enough time with my family. And if they fired me, I would go happily because I believed my trained fashion merchandising skills I learned at VCU could easily provide me a new job. I had savings and also relied on the profit from selling some of my paintings. VCUArt helped me so much to improve my drawing and painting skills. A lot people liked my arts and willing to pay big bucks for it. But, of course, all the babbling about quitting job was only a thought, not a reality. When I got excited, I could barely control my thoughts at the time; however, I knew my weaknesses and acknowledged what should and what should not to be done pretty quickly. So, I can avoid making emotional decision that would make me regret later, a bad habit I'd been trying to fix since high school.
Finally, I had arrived at the crowded airport. It didn't take me long to find the exact
Hello, I'm having difficulties writing the essay as I received two different comment upon it.
Prompt: Compose "Page 87" of your autobiography. In this essay, consider where your life story would be at this point.
My English teacher said the essay DID say a lot about me, a coordinator said she liked the essay because it was not too obvious. However, the lady at the career center said she did not see anything about me, I was being unrealistic, and although it was page 87, I was supposed to explain who were the people I mentioned in my essay. She wanted everything as clear as the sky.
Please read and give me some comment, regarding my bad grammar.
==========
However, I did not stomp on the gas pedal, although I really wanted to. I tapped my fingers on the wheel, counting impatiently. The November breeze was above fifty, but I decided to turn the heat to the highest temperature, hoping to calm myself down before the traffic light turned green.
Right after I got to exit 52 headed toward I-495, despite several car horns for my reckless driving and the risk of getting the first ticket ever on my clean driving record, I rushed the car to the carpool lane on the farthest left of the highway. I could not remember the exact speed I was driving, but I knew I was flying past cars. I did not bother to slow down though; my head was filled with excitement as I headed straight to Dulles Airport.
It was almost seven. My mom would not be at the airport anytime soon because she knew aunt Trang and her family would not land in Virginia for another three hours. I knew that too. But it was the day my dream finally come true, the day I had waited since junior high. I wouldn't have much patience to sit back and relax, have some dinner, and wait for the time flew by. It was just not my usual style to patiently wait for something to happen. My first fourteen years sharing the same roof with them was all I had. Now, after fifteen years long, it was the moment I could see them all day every day, and live with them until I aged and died.
I'd been preparing for that long as well: I studied, I learned, I worked, I saved money; and then I worked, and saved more money. Just in time, I could finally afford to make a down payment for a house of my own design, which was based on the idea of family as a big circle: wherever one goes, he or she would end up at the starting point, the origin of success - family. I loved to create, and create from things I love. But, until now, the house was a secret, even to my mom. The construction needed a few more months to complete; and I also needed to take them to IKEA to find out their favorite beds, lights, decorations and buy those in secret.
My phone rang and pulled me away from the stream of dreamy thoughts. It was my mom. She asked me if I would be home for dinner or go straight to the airport. I told her I was driving to Dulles, but I would stop by McDonald to get some McChicken and ice-cream, which usually cost no more than three dollars and enough for my growling stomach until 11 pm. She didn't seem to be satisfied; she demanded me to "buy something good to eat" before she hung up. To her, my age could not change the fact that I was still younger than her, which allowed her to never really treat me as a grown-up. But, I'd never acted as an adult in front of her anyway.
But I guess her concerns were understandable. In the past few days, I tried to finish all the marketing plans and important documents I needed to do; I also have the new spring collection ready before deadline. I was exhausted but that paid off later as it allowed me to call tomorrow and ask for a week off. I actually thought about having a month off instead of just a week, since it wouldn't give me enough time with my family. And if they fired me, I would go happily because I believed my trained fashion merchandising skills I learned at VCU could easily provide me a new job. I had savings and also relied on the profit from selling some of my paintings. VCUArt helped me so much to improve my drawing and painting skills. A lot people liked my arts and willing to pay big bucks for it. But, of course, all the babbling about quitting job was only a thought, not a reality. When I got excited, I could barely control my thoughts at the time; however, I knew my weaknesses and acknowledged what should and what should not to be done pretty quickly. So, I can avoid making emotional decision that would make me regret later, a bad habit I'd been trying to fix since high school.
Finally, I had arrived at the crowded airport. It didn't take me long to find the exact