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Posts by collegebound15 [Suspended]
Joined: Nov 18, 2011
Last Post: Nov 28, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 7  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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collegebound15   
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Two older brothers transformed my life' - UC Personal Statement (#2 [2]

i dont know if people can immature, i would change the wording on that sentence.
Greater, not more greater
the beginning really pulled me in, it was great how descriptive you were. I am worried that it may be too long once you add a conclusion though, remember that it cannot exceed 1000 words with both prompts answered.
collegebound15   
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "My frugality clashes distastefully with the lavish materialism of..."- UC prompt 2 [2]

I am able to discern wants from needs-and willingly put in that extra hour of work if necessary to satisfy my needs.---> putting needs in the end sounds awkward.

i also though the transition from teenage girls to at my house was a little choppy. great idea though, very focused which ive noticed a lot of people lack.
collegebound15   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Team Tanzania - uc prompt [2]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Though it was awhile ago that I was apart of Team Tanzania, it still holds a dear place in my heart. The team was made up of 12 of us that helped an AIDS orphanage in Tanzania. We partnered with the Phil Simon Clinic that visited the orphanage a couple times a year. Throughout my time with the group we raised over $250,000. We did this by putting together fundraisers and then performing to raise money. Eventually at the end of the 2 years I was involved, 6 of us had the chance to go to the orphanage with the Phil Simon Clinic. To figure out who the lucky 6 were was a difficult process, we not only had to meet the health and grade requirements but also had to learn how to speak their native language of Swahili. Everything was going great for me, until the final step. Parental Approval was the one test I did not pass. Though I did not become the final 6 I stayed here in the states and helped with a few more fundraisers. This relates to the person I am because it truly taught me to be grateful. Not in the corny sense either. Before I got involved with this organization, I was very spoiled and had " everyone owes me something" mentality. Seeing these poor kids with absolutely nothing, changed how I viewed myself and my life. . Even though I am not in a leadership role for the team, til this day I would help in a heartbeat.
collegebound15   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Finishing a Track season' - extracurricular activities or work experience [2]

The idea of running just to compete with others was one I didn't understand. Until I was put into that position.
it is very rushed, like it wasnt something you elaborated on. tell more about how you felt during the time, or more of why it was your goal
collegebound15   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'be my true unique self' - UC 1, my story as written by man [2]

People always tell me that my life story is as if it is a dramatic novel written by man. --> people always tell me that my life story is as dramatic as a novel.

they decided to have a child without the doctor's unwitting wife consent.--> they decided to have a child, without the doctor's wife's consent.

As I grew older I identified myself as a character from a telenovela.---> i would take that line out or move it up a bit beforehand

i would pick either to talk about the telenova or charlie, not both cause then there is no exact focus
collegebound15   
Nov 21, 2011
Undergraduate / How my life has changed, and so have I ( UC/ Common App prompt) [5]

Education is your ticket to freedom, a saying that lately I have not taken lightly. Honestly, my life has been pretty easy. Compared to other people I haven't been through half of what they have. I have only had one hard time in my past. There was conflict my whole life, but it the bomb didn't hit until Sept. 2010. I was rushed out of my house, looking back leaving my father behind. " We're leaving." , my mother had told me. I grabbed my jacket and rushed to the car, in fear of what would happen next. That day, changed everything I was used to. From then on my brother and I had to switch between houses. Two days with my father at the house we grew up in, and 5 days with my mother at my tia's house. Sacrifice is the best word to explain what my life has become, one big sacrifice.I sacrifice my time, because now 4 days a week I take care of my younger brother. I sacrifice my social life, because I work during my free time trying to save up for when I live on my own. I sacrifice my relationships because my biggest fear is to end up like my parents. Instead of letting everything consume my life and stress me out,I feel like this has all made me grow up as a person. Something I will need if I expect that freedom, if I expect to succeed during college. My biggest dream my whole life has always been to just be successful in whatever way life takes me. Even though my parents divorce is the hardest part of my life, I continue to strive and move forward.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
collegebound15   
Nov 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Screaming, yelling, and arguing' - UC Personal Statement [5]

Great essay, i truly think you will go far. The one place i became confused was when you started going through your family and the things they did and then suddenly back to a random day. I would put your family stuff after you said you did not have any impact to your surroundings. then have a transition like " but my family has had a greater impact than me...then go into their history.
collegebound15   
Nov 19, 2011
Undergraduate / 'size popcorn' - working at the theater (work experience) [2]

" What size popcorn would you like today? " A saying that I am all too familiar with. I have worked at an AMC for a little over 6 months now, and it is nothing like I imagined. A shift at the theater is so much more than giving out popcorn and cleaning it up. Each day, guests teach me life lessons such as patience, tact, and communication skills. Patience, for when I have a long line and they simply cannot make up their mind. Tact, for when I need to give responses to complaints about situations that I truly cannot fix. Lastly communication skills, to not only make the guests happy, but to work efficiently with my co workers. My weekends are filled with complaints, compliments,spills, and new releases. Yet, I take them in all the same as experiences to learn from. Having a job has helped me greatly in the long run, I now know what to expect later in life.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
Any comments are greatly appreciated! I am not confident in my writing at all so hopefully posting everything on here will help.
collegebound15   
Nov 18, 2011
Undergraduate / Christmas vacation- significant experience you have faced+ its impact on you (Depaul) [5]

For the first four years I thought of myself in terms of my returning to a place what I truly called home. <-- This sentence is very confusing.

This past years has been difficult <-- These past few years have been difficult.

I would add more to how the changed was hard, explain an exact day during your move that impacted you or something to really show the reader your feelings toward the situation. I really hate when English teachers say this but " show don't tell"
collegebound15   
Nov 18, 2011
Undergraduate / The road to my dream profession (common app short answer) [2]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below.

I have had an idea of what career I wanted to follow for quite some time now, a white collar crime investigator. Yet, I did not have a clear idea on how to get there. I decided to interview a captain at the District Attorney's office of Los Angeles. He told me to go into business and accounting as my college major, but I still felt there was something I could do during high school that would help me. Therefore I emailed an insurance fraud company to see if I could intern, at the young age of 16. I went through a job interview, had to prepare an official application, and get a background check before they could even consider me. Thankfully, everything went through and I had my foot in the door of my dream profession. I have only been there for a small amount of time, yet I have learned so much. I spend my time working with the database for the company, and have really seen just how everything works. I can only imagine how much more I will learn during my senior year.
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