Posts by pepsicola

pepsicola

Nov 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'assigned to give a brief speech on choosing Medicine' experience,achievement,risk [2]

..show ended tremendously well than I had expected..

...well, better than I had expected...

preharps the organizers of the show should not have being too quick the judge the turn out of the show without it being put into action.

perhaps ...should not have been so quick to judge....

it sounds better to say "A few months ago," for the opening of the second paragraph

She also said creating an imagination in our minds will enable students write a great speech.

consider rewriting this sentence

in order to impact my knowledge into the lives of younger students and my peers.

...in order to make an impact in the lives of younger students and my peers with my knowledge.

I knew I couldn't keep up with this deception because I knew I was bound to be caught soon.

the second "I knew" is not necessary

these are just a few suggestions
...you might want to look over your essay again. there are mistakes throughout. it really takes away from the overall meaning of your essay.

pepsicola

Nov 28, 2011

Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

around where in the middle?
thanks for your help! GREATLY appreciated(:

pepsicola

Nov 28, 2011

Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

please help someone. i'm about to turn in my app and i want some last minute pointers. please&thank you!

pepsicola

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

trying to take advice given, made a few tweaks..

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly," a line from the Beatles song Blackbird, one that I can relate to. Life is a crazy thing. It has unexpected twist and turns. We do not always expect the things that happen to us. However, we learn to deal with the good and bad and become better people for it.

Growing up was very difficult. I felt very alone and isolated from everyone. I was keeping a secret from the world. While I wore smiles on the outside, inside I felt very sad and detached from everyone. I felt as though no one understood me, so I stopped trying to understand everyone else. It was me, myself, and I.

Once I entered high school, I started coming out of my shell. I began to overcome my secret and started feeling less alone. Happiness radiated from me; for the first time in a while, my smiles meant something. However, this would not last. Midway through freshman year, my past came back for me. I was frightened and withdrew to my old self. My grades began to slip and I kept to myself most of the time. I became indifferent towards most things and it was becoming evident as the days passed. My eldest brother and sister started noticing that something was wrong. Through their persistence, they broke down the walls I had built. They helped me to open up and to regain my voice. I found new ways to express myself and learned to be vulnerable. I began to focus again on school and life gained meaning again.

My family saved me from destroying myself. I was headed nowhere fast, but they stopped me and got me the right help. Their unconditional love and support got me through my darkest days. My parents are my angels. Their relationship is filled with pure love and they shower their children with it every day. They have given my siblings and me a sturdy foundation to build our lives upon. My sister and her diligence have inspired me to strive for the best. My three brothers have taught me to be strong, even in the toughest of situations. My grandmother has taught me to have sound faith in God. She has taught me never to falter in what I believe in.

My family helped shape me into the person I am today. Thanks to them, I am a confident, ambitious individual. They gave me a reason to dream and to want the best. I was a withdrawn, quiet child and I transformed into someone strong and capable of anything. I learned to have a voice and to believe in myself. They helped me to reconnect with the world. I now want to help others in the same way I was helped. It is because of them that I now dream of being able to help children in some way. I was a bird with broken wings, and I learned to fly.

pepsicola

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

i read somewhere that talking about abuse makes the readers uncomfortable so to try and avoid it, thats why i just put secret. i dont know if thats a bad choice or not? maybe so since you said i should elaborate on it. i just dont want to make the person reading my essay uncomfortable, you know? and thank you for your advice! ill really take it into consideration! :)

pepsicola

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

revised it a bit: please, any help or opinions?

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly," a line from the Beatles song Blackbird, one that I can relate to. This song has a very special meaning to me. Life is a crazy thing. It has unexpected twist and turns. We do not always expect the things that happen to us. However, we learn to deal with the good and bad and become better people for it.

Growing up was very difficult. I felt very alone and isolated from everyone. I was keeping a secret from the world. While I wore smiles on the outside, inside I felt very sad and detached from everyone. I felt as though no one understood me, so I stopped trying to understand everyone else. It was me, myself, and I.

Finally, when I entered high school, I started coming out of my shell. I began to overcome my secret and started feeling less alone. Happiness radiated from me; for the first time in a while, my smiles meant something. However, this would not last. Midway through freshman year, my past came back for me. I was frightened and withdrew to my old self. My grades began to slip and I kept to myself most of the time. I became indifferent towards most things and it was becoming evident as the days passed. My eldest brother and sister started noticing that something was wrong. Eventually, with their persistence, they broke down the wall I had built. They helped me to open up about what I was hiding from everyone. I have been healing since.

My family saved me from destroying myself. I was headed nowhere fast, but they stopped me and got me the right help. I owe much of who I am today to them. Their unconditional love and support got me through my darkest days. My parents are my angels. Their relationship is filled with pure love and they shower their children with it every day. They have given my siblings and me a sturdy foundation to build our lives upon. My sister and her diligence have inspired me to strive for the best. My three brothers have taught me to be strong, even in the toughest of situations. My grandmother has taught me to have sound faith in God. She has taught me never to falter in what I believe in.

My family helped shape me into the person I am today. Thanks to them, I am a confident, ambitious individual. They gave me a reason to dream and to want the best. I was a withdrawn, quiet child and I transformed into someone strong and capable of anything. I learned to have a voice and to believe in myself. They helped me to reconnect with the world. I now want to help others in the same way I was helped. It is because of them that I now dream of being able to help children in some way. I was a bird with broken wings, and I learned to fly.

pepsicola

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

yeah, i see what you're saying. thank you so much for the advice! :)

pepsicola

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I became "Americanized"' - between two cultures UC prompt #1 [6]

Hearing the stories of parents' journey motivated me to widen my insights and aspirations even more.

i think you forgot the "my" in front of "parents' "

I suddenly had a fond for them after reading about how the practices originated.

it might be better to say "I unexpectedly grew fond of them after reading..."

these are just suggestions.
overall your essay is amazing. it really relates who you are and where you come from. answers the prompt really well. good luck! :)

pepsicola

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

yes it is, for the one about family, school, or community

pepsicola

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

yeah! sorry, messed up on the title. its my personal statement >.< im so stressed i dont know what im doing :x

pepsicola

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

please help me revise my essay! its the last one i need before i can submit my app. any advice on how to better it is appreciated!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly," a line from the Beatles song Blackbird, a line I can relate to. This song has a very special meaning to me. Life is a crazy thing. It has unexpected twist and turns. Things can change in the blink of an eye. We do not always expect the things that happen to us, but we learn to deal with it; the good and the bad.

Growing up was very difficult for me. I felt very alone and isolated from everyone. I was keeping a secret from the world. While I wore smiles on the outside, inside I felt very sad and detached from everyone. I felt as though no one understood me, so I stopped trying to understand everyone else. It was me, myself, and I.

Finally, when I hit high school, I started coming out of my shell. I began to overcome my secret and began to not feel so alone. Happiness radiated around me because for the first time in a while, my smiles meant something. However, this would not last. Midway through freshman year, my past came back for me when I was least expecting it. I was frightened and withdrew to my old self.

My eldest brother and sister started noticing that something was wrong with me. They tried to help me, but I would not accept anyone's help. Eventually, with their persistence, they broke down the wall I had built. They got me help and I began to heal the right way.

My family saved me. I was destroying myself. I was headed nowhere fast, but they stopped me and got me the right help. I owe much of who I am today to them. Their unconditional love and support got me through my darkest days. My parents are my angels. Their relationship is filled with nothing but love and they shower their five children with it every day. They have given my siblings and me a sturdy foundation to build our lives upon. My sister and her diligence have inspired me to strive for the best. My three brothers have taught me to be strong, even in the toughest of situations. My grandmother has taught me to have sound faith in God. She has taught me never to falter in what I believe in.

My family helped to shape me into the person I am today. Thanks to them, I am a confident, ambitious individual. They gave me a reason to dream and to want the best. I was a withdrawn, quiet child and I transformed into someone strong and capable of anything. I learned to have a voice and to believe in myself. They helped me to reconnect with the world. I now want to help others in the same way I was helped. It is because of them that I now dream of being able to help children in some way. I was a bird with broken wings, and I learned to fly.

pepsicola

Nov 26, 2011

Undergraduate / child abuse for UC admissions essay topic [5]

"my family saved me" personal statement help- any comments or critiques appreciated

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly," a line from the Beatles song Blackbird. This song has a very special meaning to me. Life is a crazy thing. It has unexpected twist and turns. Things can change in the blink of an eye. We do not always expect the things that happen to us, but we learn to deal with it; the good and the bad.

Growing up was very difficult for me. I felt very alone and isolated from everyone. I was keeping a secret from the world. While I wore smiles on the outside, inside I felt very sad and detached from everyone. I felt as though no one understood me, so I stopped trying to understand everyone else. It was me, myself, and I.

Finally, when I hit high school, I started coming out of my shell. I began to overcome my secret and began to not feel so alone. Happiness radiated around me because for the first time in a while, my smiles meant something. However, this would not last. Midway through freshman year, my past came back for me when I was least expecting it. I was frightened and withdrew to my old self.

My eldest brother and sister started noticing that something was wrong with me. They tried to help me, but I was very closed off. Eventually, with their persistence, they broke down the wall I had built. They got me help and I began to heal the right way.

My family saved me. I was destroying myself. I was headed nowhere fast, but they stopped me and got me the right help. I owe much of who I am today to them. Their unconditional love and support got me through my darkest days. My parents are my angels. Their relationship is filled with nothing but love and they shower their five children with it every day. They have given my siblings and me a sturdy foundation to build our lives upon. My sister and her diligence have inspired me to strive for the best. My three brothers have taught me to be strong, even in the toughest of situations. My grandmother has taught me to have sound faith in God. She has taught me never to falter in what I believe in.

My family helped to shape me into the person I am today. They gave me a reason to dream and to want the best. They took a withdrawn quiet child and transformed her into someone strong and capable of anything. They helped me to reconnect with the world. My family made me want to help others in the same way I was helped. It is because of them that I now dream of being able to help children in some way. I was a bird with broken wings, and I learned to fly.

a very very rough draft. should i consider rewriting it? please help!

pepsicola

Nov 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'To show the girls in Egypt the light within knowledge' - UC 2 I believe I can [11]

One day I brought a painting Ashley had drew and told her to describe what she meant by it.

i think the correct way to write it is: "Ashley had drawn"
im not sure if you want to say painting and then drawn because they are different artistic mediums(paint and pencil). you can say "a painting Ashley had made" or "a painting Ashley had created"

just a suggestion

its a beautiful essay. your love of teaching shines through your words.

pepsicola

Nov 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'to portray my life' or 'wierd one' or 'about a chat' - common app [13]

i think you would be more successful in portraying yourself through the first one. it is the easiest to develop an actual character and you can relay his emotions and thoughts where as it would be a little more difficult to do in the others. i think so at least. the first is probably your safest bet. it might be a little more helpful to make a selection if you provided the prompt for the essay.

pepsicola

Nov 26, 2011

Undergraduate / child abuse for UC admissions essay topic [5]

i wanted to write about my personal child abuse for my personal statement.(Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.) i wanted to talk about how my family and my community helped me to overcome what happened and how because of them and what happened i want to help children in the future. however, i read that talking about rape or abuse in an application essay is not a good topic. how can i talk about how my family and community helped me and how i came to the decision of working with children without talking about the abuse? or what can i do to not make it a bad topic to write about? help please.