Scholarship / Why I want to volunteer at John Hopkins Hospital - Application Essay (200 words) [3]

I think you should at something like I want to feel that sense of amazement and awe I felt shadowing those doctors in Syria, I an know John Hopkins is the only place that can replicate that feeling.

Just a suggestion, good luck =)

Undergraduate / "After I took a psychology course..." - University of Texas at Austin Essay [10]

Hello, a good idea in college essays is to not use weak words, you shoud try to replace them with more vivid adjectives, I think espesialy for your essay it would make it much stronger.

I highlight some for you for you to take a look

good luck

My junior year I read in article in TIME magazine, I was taking an advanced placement psychology course at the time and I figured it wouldmake an interesting paper for my final exam.

Soldiers who wereseeking mental help from military doctors were being diagnosed with depression after one consultation. The doctors wouldgive them(vague) antidepressants or antianxiety pills ...

Soldiers who were suffering from Post Traumatic Stress ...

I wasshocked ( ex. My shocking reaction to -->to read about soldiers who had confided in their superior officers about ...

Writing Feedback / Lincoln Paper - Introductory Paragraph [11]

Hi, the best advice i can give you is to focus on using more active words instead of has, had, were etc. those are considerd lazy words.- Also you should go back and highlight all the "the's" and "is" and try to replace them with more active adjectives, or not use them at all it will make your intro stronger. I know it can be difficult to write about the past with out these certain words, but you should try. College Addimissions like that =)

good luck

---Sorry i thought this was a college essay, but still consider the changes. This is how college professors like their papers ( I have a tutor that goes to Rice Uni.)

Writing Feedback / Peony in love is my favorite book. Take a read of this essay [5]

hi thanks ! I actualy did include a short summary of the book but for some reason i took it off

this is still a very rough draft please help. please and thank you =)

Undergraduate / UW short essay - "race and culture at school" [5]

Its a good piece

Just my 2 cents but maybe try to incorporates some specifics. Like the major new thing you learned in all that comotion that was life changing of contradicting.

best of luck

Undergraduate / Teacher of influence essay [6]


adress him fully like Mr. Glenon

I dont know if this specific essay has a word limit but if not then maybe you want to write about a specific experiance and go into detail how he inspired you even more ( make it interesting! and make us all jealous why we dont a have teacher like Mr. G) =)

Good luck

Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

It might be considerd as a late applicant. My best advices is to contact the admissions office of your school and ask =) they wont bite

Undergraduate / 'In love with the sky' - Main essay. Influential experience in ur life [21]

my advice is thinnk of the MOST interesting think that happened in your life thus far. If not then use what you got and make it INTERESTING =) Another think spend extra time on your intro. it should be the most alluring paragrah

Good luck!

Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]

If you are applying online and you have to post the essays on there, it might be a bit more strict.

Undergraduate / Alex and Su essay (the Monkey King and Alexander the Great) common app [6]

Monkey king essay (new version)

Hello, well I decided to rewrite my essay with more of a concreate example
( as suggested), please tell me what you think.

Thanks!!!

describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influences ************************************************************ ****

"Saih maht geanguh", translated as why should I be scared from Chinese is my hero Su-Wukong's (also known as the monkey king) influential motto. I remember as a child my popo would replace bed time stories by telling me the adventurous tales of Su-Wukong, highlighting his courageous bravery and cunning nature. My admiration of Su-Wukong has remains incessant since childhood, in many ways his acts of diligence and confidence significantly influences the evolution of my love for studying languages.

Born from a rock and nourished by the elements of earth Su-Wukong received instruction from Subodhi the elitist see-phoo for training the offspring of gods. Upon Su Wukong's completion of his training he was able to transform into 72 various objects, cloud travel and summersault great distances. During his journey to the west Su-Wukong uses his golden rod to protect his master from yew-guays.

At first my language influences primarily came from my parents, Thai from my mammah and Chinese from my babbah. Although the tables turned upon entering school, instead of my parents now cryptic people are pressuring me to start speaking this new language, English. I loathed my teachers for keeping me after school to practice English, yet not as much as being omitted from four-square games or swinging by myself. Influenced by Su-Wukongs experience through fa-soat school and partly because my swing became labeled "Out of service", I became determined to improve my loner status. At fa-soat school Su-Wukong also held the loner status, due to his lack of human communication skills holding the vocabulary of Ooh-ooh-ah-ah's. Su-Wukong didn't want the language barrier to suppress his ability to make friends so he studied the human languages diligently. Eventually Su-Wukong perfected the human language and became accepted amongst his peers coinciding with my changed reality.

In middle school, English was not a barrier anymore enabling me to explore extracurricular activities, from volleyball, step team, NJHS and choir. From the variety of activities I participated in, choir challenged me with a new language, only this time it was not a set back it was something looked forward to conquer. Being assigned a French solo to be sung at the annual U.I.L contest, I underestimated the language of love and spent many hours practicing in hopes it will improve my chances. Again it was Su-Wukong's bravery that I chose to emulate; the Monkey king used his barefaced confidence to get what he wanted a golden rod from the ocean dragon, the same tactic won what I wanted a gold medal at the U.I.L solo competition.

Now half way through my third year of high school my interests in languages have bloomed into studying Korean Hangeul, Japanese hiragana and the Chinese dialects. Reminisce back on how my love of languages began, firstly as an obstacle overcame with diligence, secondly as stress extirpated through confidence and lastly what it is presently amusement from a favorite pastime. Su-Wukong's influence taught me the importance of diligence and confidence required when studying languages.

Undergraduate / "Saih maht geanguh"- historical influence. [7]

hi please help =)

Undergraduate / "my parents to teach and groom" - short 150 word response. [7]

Hey Thanks alot Kevin, in your opinion do you think my response is good?

Undergraduate / "my parents to teach and groom" - short 150 word response. [7]

Help? please

Undergraduate / "my parents to teach and groom" - short 150 word response. [7]

i re-edited please look over it

Undergraduate / Alex and Su essay (the Monkey King and Alexander the Great) common app [6]

Hi, im kind of confused i did try to relate it back in the last paragraph saying how the characters relate to me by having ambition. And the 2nd to 3rd paragrapg i tried to link them by introducing the influences and going into detail about the. Can you please explain more of the non-relation becuase i dont realy see it.

Thanks