Posts by marielnl94

marielnl94

Dec 20, 2011

Undergraduate / I have the parts, but can I mix it all together? USNA prompt. [4]

About the detail vs variety thing, it's a tough call. I thinkyou should do what goes more with your personality, how you feel more comfortable.

marielnl94

Dec 20, 2011

Undergraduate / 'school deals with computers' - extracurricular activies or work experience [3]

I think you should talk about this one website you have created and you're proud of. Don't write down a timeline of how you evolved in programming, but this one thing you want to do for the rest of your life.

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / I have the parts, but can I mix it all together? USNA prompt. [4]

I think this essay is very strong. Maybe you could elaborate more on another experience or anecdote, one of your own, during camp. I believe that would be awesome.

It's really impressive how you stress teamwork and being part of a group. I am certain the admission officer is going to like that very much.

Keep it up :)

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement Answers--clever or whatever? [8]

I love how you fixed you answer to question number four. Now it sounds mature and as a sign of improvement. Congrats!
I think the "Why Yale?" question is fine, but I will read it again later on to see if you could add more spice to it.

Good job!

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Iqbal's story' - Spanish native speaker but I am applying for a US college [10]

Richard, thanks! I really liked you essay too.

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / "I'm not an athlete" Brown Supplement Q, Perspective change [5]

I think this essay is well-written. I like the introduction, but it tends to be a little pessimistic for me. Maybe you could highlight what you are good at. " I would never be the MVP of a team or win the championship trophy. But that day, in that meeting with my coach, my perspective changed. I realized that maybe, just maybe, I didn't get the genes of an athlete for a reason. Maybe God gave me bad eyesight and terrible coordination to signal something to me." It is really strong, but also a bit negative. You could say something like "Yet God gave (for example) an extraodinary ability to understand Physics".

You say you focus on what is really important for you, then a tip would be to specify.
Also, something about your identity is missing. Say who you think you are and the leave the last words "I am completely fine with that". It would make a strong ending.

Good job :)

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED' - SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCE AND IMPACT ON YOU [6]

I really like your essay. I think it truly reflects what a committed and unselfish person you are. Congratulations for everything, collegesearcher.

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Iqbal's story' - Spanish native speaker but I am applying for a US college [10]

Collegesearcher: I have done all the changes you suggested. Thank you :)
mchehn: you are right. It's better understood. :)

I would like to add more details about my trip to Kenya, but I feel that is another completely different experience. I hace added some more details, I hope the next version is better.

Thanks for your feedback :)

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'school deals with computers' - extracurricular activies or work experience [3]

Remember to capitalise all the "I"s.
I don't thinks its quite relevant to resume how you evolved using basic programs such as Office. Maybe you could describe how you created your first website, it's another idea to answer this question.

Hope it can help.

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My wild imagination' - BU-roommate essay [2]

I really like your essay. I think it introduces you in an uncomfortable experience and how you have matured ever since. The essay really tells good things about you, like that you are a compassionate and kind person. Many people underestimate such virtues, but I think the essay really embelishes you.

Congrats :)

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement Answers--clever or whatever? [8]

I feel collegesearcher is right.
I think you could add who nicknamed you "lion" or why. Most of nicknames are product of a funny situation with friends or family.

Just like collegesearcher said, your first answer is a little dark. Yes, you may enjoy being on your own but just like collegesearcher said, what do you create? Haven't you created anything with one or two friends? maybe saying you have one or two great friends is more positive and you're saying the exact same thing.

I don't think saying "being less spontaneous" is negative, but you could say "more reflective". It is sort of the same thing but it sounds better to me, like you want to improve and not decrease an ability of yours.

Hope it helps :)

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'This triple victory in soccer' - achievement, risk [3]

"the competition.
The competition was a competitive one" A little bit repetitive.
The essay is pretty solid. However, it makes everything sound perfect and you look like a superhero. Where there really no problems or obstacles during the transitions? It's nice to show that you're really strong, but adding up a bit of the dark side would make the essay way better.

This is not meant to make you look weak, but to show all the obstacles you had to fight to become a great champion.
Congrats :)

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / How to start a personal statement about why I'm applying etc? [2]

What I would do first is describe myself. Maybe you are a passionate reader or a free-time webpage designer. This will help you justify why you have applied to that particular college. Maybe you could add very personal details such as if you enjoy being outdoors, have grown up in a big city, speak several languages, etc. You should absolutely add your extracurricular activities here. Maybe you have participated in math or debate clubs. This will give the reader a picture of who you are and why you study there.

Then, once you have written that the justification will come rather easily. Use your personality traits to show that you're fit for that college. Maybe it's placed in a small town or has a good athletics department.

In the end I would add up something about my major. Once you have shown you're a good choice for that college, demonstrate why you would make the best of the ____ student. Maybe it's because of your extracurricular activities or because of a previous campus visit. Do not be afraid to add another personal experience that showed you the way to that major-minor combination. It's all about you, so use your personality and experiences as much as you can to send a clear message to the reader.

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My loved ones' why are you interested in pursuing a career in medicine [4]

You're welcome. I think this essay can really work and get you admitted if you correct those little details. :)

marielnl94

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'grasping the concept' + 'friendships upon loyalty, roomate' Stanford [6]

Well, I think you could personalise your information a little bit more. For example, when you describe your cupboard, why do you have so many electrical things? Is that your hobby? Then, you say about your favorite band and books. Given them a name! You don't have to justify why they are your favorite, but it certainly gives a better clue of your personality. Also... What color is your room? Do yo have black furniture? Maybe the walls are painted blue or yellow? This may sound a little bit silly, but it's nice to know one's favorite color. Moreover, are you a sports fan? (I don't think so, because you haven't mentioned it). If you are, maybe write down your favorite team or player.

Hope this works.
:)

marielnl94

Dec 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Iqbal's story' - Spanish native speaker but I am applying for a US college [10]

Thanks :)

marielnl94

Dec 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'grasping the concept' + 'friendships upon loyalty, roomate' Stanford [6]

Q1: I think that question is pretty solid grammatically. I would maybe take off some of the description and add more details about how or why you enjoy collaborative work, or maybe another event where you thought this was useful.

Q2: Please try to change your beginning. Don't start with "How should I begin?" because it makes you look life unsure about who you are. I like how you mix the description of your room with that of your personality, and maybe you should add more about the last. Maybe what's your favorite band or song, and so forth.

Q3: I think you're on a good track, but maybe this could work for you. Once when I was in camp, they asked us to write down ten things we cared a lot about. Then we had to burn each piece of paper until we got only three. They asekd us to justify why we had chosen those three. This could go from, say, "loyalty" to "my dog". I think that's the way I would answer that particular question.

Hope it helps and nice job :)

marielnl94

Dec 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My loved ones' why are you interested in pursuing a career in medicine [4]

You should review the separation of ideas by commas. You have some unnecessary commas, I believe.
Remember to capitalise "I".
I think you wrote an essay with a very nice topic. Nonetheless, please check some grammar mistakes that make sentences confusing.
A nice detail you could add is where this refugee camp was located.
Good job!

marielnl94

Dec 17, 2011

Undergraduate / Essay about my motivation- (topic of choice) [3]

I love your ultimately goal, and I am glad you champion such a noble cause.
On the other hand, I feel this essay could be better. It feels like you just wrote it down very quickly. I would like to hear more about your first approach to Biology. Can you remember your teacher's name? What was the first lesson that really caught you attention?

Maybe you could make a comparison between the rest of the world and the movement of the finger. You could add more details about your trips to Syria, or as I mentioned, compare the difficult situation there with something medicine-related.

Another point that could also be good for your essay is adding more details about how you want to achieve your goal. Going to med school sounds fine, but what else? Maybe joining groups to later create a Syrian-aid group.

Hope it helps and good luck! :)

marielnl94

Dec 17, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Iqbal's story' - Spanish native speaker but I am applying for a US college [10]

Hi!
I am a Spanish native speaker but I am applying for a US college. I would like some help on my essays. This is my main commonapp.org essay, and describes how a work of art (Literature) has influenced my life.

Please feel free to comment and correct grammar, vocabulary, etc. as many times as needed.
Thanks

Reading is like traveling. I agree because whilst reading one can see realities one did not know existed. This happened to me when I read Iqbal by Francesco D'Adamo in 8th grade. At that moment, I was certain the world was imperfect, but I could not see its cruelty. As I read those pages, I proved how mean it can be. Moreover, I was sure there was a world for me to explore and millions of needing children whom I was determined to aid.

The book's most important influence on me is the commitment to a cause. I learnt from this book is that no one is too young to fight. This is what schools should teach. If you are courageous and certain of your cause, it is never too soon or too late to fight. Iqbal was the first person to show me that. People often think children or teenagers are not able or should not stand up for themselves. This book shows the opposite. Who should be more committed to a cause than us? We have the power of change, we can still dream. Those dreams are never dead as long as we fight. Iqbal proved that if slavery exists nowadays, so should the dream of freedom. It does not matter if you are aged 60 or 8 as long as you still dream. In this book, a child works in a carpet factory as a slave. He barely survives. Yet he knows life is outside and it is accessible to all as long as one commits to fight for it. Thanks to his perseverance, he was able freed and continued struggling for his cause. Hope is the power of the world. We all have that power.

Yet the world is not such a perfect place. That is the other lesson I got from the novel. The murder of Iqbal and the impunity of the murderer should shock the world. They changed me. Yes, we all have that power if we commit. But the world is not always fair and just. Besides fighting for our cause, we must be prepared to defend it from those who cannot understand it. Sometimes, it will take our lives away. Nonetheless, our lives will have served a cause beyond us. They, just like Iqbal's life, will inspire thousands of other people to act. Iqbal proves death is sometimes just the mere beginning of a greater struggle: the struggle of the just in the unfair world.

This book changed me because it empowered me. It made me believe change depends on you. Because of this book, I was able to go to Kenya and see how children live in one of the most hostile regions of the world. I was able to aid them. Again, this experience showed me that there is a wide range of things to learn and of things to change. Nevertheless, you cannot always change them. They change you, and that is where it all begins.