ZhoeK
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / "How can a Chinese boy play guitar" - Common Application [9]
Jessy
Oh okay I see..Your welcome.
Jessy
Oh okay I see..Your welcome.
ZhoeK
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the part we choose to act on' - BROWN: MOMENT WHEN PERSPECTIVE CHANGED [7]
Good Day Shubhangi,
There was a lot going on in your essay. A lot of quotes. Maybe this is just me, but I am not quite sure what your original perspective was and what changed about it and I am not sure how Harry Potter ties into it either. I do not think this is generic, and I think with some improvements and some changes that you can have a really good essay.
Hope this helps!
Good Day Shubhangi,
There was a lot going on in your essay. A lot of quotes. Maybe this is just me, but I am not quite sure what your original perspective was and what changed about it and I am not sure how Harry Potter ties into it either. I do not think this is generic, and I think with some improvements and some changes that you can have a really good essay.
Hope this helps!
ZhoeK
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / "How can a Chinese boy play guitar" - Common Application [9]
Jessy
This was a really good and solid essay! It perfectly demonstrates your struggle with the piano and how it was not quite right for you. I loved the ending line very much, I think it closes this essay well. The uses of description and figures of speech were artfully incorporated and not overdone as I've seen. What was the prompt though?
Suggestion: I was overwhelmed with a chorus of objections.
That was my only edit really. Very well done.
Hope this helps!
Jessy
This was a really good and solid essay! It perfectly demonstrates your struggle with the piano and how it was not quite right for you. I loved the ending line very much, I think it closes this essay well. The uses of description and figures of speech were artfully incorporated and not overdone as I've seen. What was the prompt though?
I met an overwhelming chorus of objections.
Suggestion: I was overwhelmed with a chorus of objections.
That was my only edit really. Very well done.
Hope this helps!
ZhoeK
Dec 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'brought up and raised primarily in Beirut, Lebanon' - STANFORD SUPPLEMENT [17]
Hello Jawad
brought up and raised are basically saying the same thing, so either will do.
Suggestion
Suggestion: Today, my country faces many challenges.
Overuse/redundancy of constant.
I don't think that you should say the 'only way'. Keep in mind that not everyone is of that opinion so you might not want to phrase it like that.
Sounds rather incorrect to me, not sure if that is a double negative, so you might want to rephrase this.
Overall I can feel the genuineness of your argument. I rather liked your essay and I thought it was written well overall. I am not really good proposing titles but these just popped into my mind.
"A Time for Change", ahh I had another better idea but it disappeared.
Hope this helps! And if you wouldn't mind reading mine. Good day.
Hello Jawad
I was brought up and raised primarily in Beirut, Lebanon, a city rich in beauty and magnificence,.but unfortunatelyUnfortunately, for many of its residents it is also a land where poverty is a way of life.
brought up and raised are basically saying the same thing, so either will do.
or the agonies of having to survive in terrible living conditions
is very much similar to my
Suggestion
Rather than living in the past, I believe it is essential that the people of Lebanon focus their efforts on modifying the future, for it is a realm filled with hope, promise and potential for glorious days that lie ahead.
There are many challenges facing my country today:
Suggestion: Today, my country faces many challenges.
We are constantly bickering over age-old problems, the nation is at constantand at war, numerous people do not have an education to back up their choices and the thousands that go to bed every night with an empty stomach are ignored.
Overuse/redundancy of constant.
Since my future is intermingled with that of my country's, then the only way for us to prosper is if the privileged sacrifice what they have to help the deprived succeed in overcoming the difficulties of life.
I don't think that you should say the 'only way'. Keep in mind that not everyone is of that opinion so you might not want to phrase it like that.
make sure that no one, nowhere, and at no time should go hungry.
Sounds rather incorrect to me, not sure if that is a double negative, so you might want to rephrase this.
Overall I can feel the genuineness of your argument. I rather liked your essay and I thought it was written well overall. I am not really good proposing titles but these just popped into my mind.
"A Time for Change", ahh I had another better idea but it disappeared.
Hope this helps! And if you wouldn't mind reading mine. Good day.
ZhoeK
Dec 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'idyllic day by the lake' - - Emerson College Essay [7]
First take a deep breath and envision that same day. (well if you can) Remember the sights, smells and how you felt and write from your heart/gut. Generally try not to be too over the top with figures of speech, just write about the experience and how it made you realize that you should never give up.
Maybe a should use a work experience since you work a lot.
First take a deep breath and envision that same day. (well if you can) Remember the sights, smells and how you felt and write from your heart/gut. Generally try not to be too over the top with figures of speech, just write about the experience and how it made you realize that you should never give up.
Maybe a should use a work experience since you work a lot.
ZhoeK
Dec 20, 2011
Undergraduate / Yale Supp't Essay- The Trouble with Math [7]
Maria
Sounds very awkward to me, I don't think fastidious fits in this context, maybe its just me.
Suggestion: "terribly demanding" or following the subsequent clause maybe: "unnecessary"
Okay quick question, (kind of confusing to me) do you mean your first semester of high school or during the first semester of every year of high school?
If it is the first semester of high school it should be: "During my first semester of high school"
Clause in green sounds awkward.
Maybe: Not to say my marks did not improve -they increased dramatically in the ninth grade. I achieved even higher marks that I ever imagined I could.
prodded me to further inquire about math.
A ninety-six is a decent grade? LOL.
Overall I think this was quite a lovely essay. There were a few awkwardly worded sentences but otherwise I hear the sincerity in your quest to defeat math and your perseverance shone through. I like your concluding paragraph and the brute honesty in the second to last paragraph.
I agree with Susan, this sounds much better and is more appealing.
I hope this helps & if you could comment on my essays I would be grateful. Good day.
Maria
During class, I would often lower my head and tirelessly work away at the presented problem.;often More times than not, I would shamefully hang my head fromin despair when realizingonce I realizedthe answerthat my answer was off by several numbers.
fastidious
Sounds very awkward to me, I don't think fastidious fits in this context, maybe its just me.
Suggestion: "terribly demanding" or following the subsequent clause maybe: "unnecessary"
During my first semesters of high school
Okay quick question, (kind of confusing to me) do you mean your first semester of high school or during the first semester of every year of high school?
If it is the first semester of high school it should be: "During my first semester of high school"
And it is not to say that I didn't improve - my math marks dramatically increased in the ninth grade. I began achieving highs that I couldn't have imagined in a blue moon.
Clause in green sounds awkward.
Maybe: Not to say my marks did not improve -they increased dramatically in the ninth grade. I achieved even higher marks that I ever imagined I could.
prodded me to inquire into math further
prodded me to further inquire about math.
A ninety-six is a decent grade? LOL.
Overall I think this was quite a lovely essay. There were a few awkwardly worded sentences but otherwise I hear the sincerity in your quest to defeat math and your perseverance shone through. I like your concluding paragraph and the brute honesty in the second to last paragraph.
Although I am still not the greatest test-taker for math, I have managed to clear the fog from the most basic concepts. I will never be a Gauss, or a Hilbert. However, I may someday hope to pursue the shadows of Steinbeck, Perlman, and Balanchine.
I agree with Susan, this sounds much better and is more appealing.
I hope this helps & if you could comment on my essays I would be grateful. Good day.
ZhoeK
Dec 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements [19]
Jerry
First of all thank you for your critique, I do agree with you and will try to incorporate more of the challenge into the essay.
Otherwise I am really psyched that its good to go!
Nishitha
Thank you also for taking the time to critique my essays!
I have made suitable corrections to the Lafayette supplement and am currently in the process of fixing the Lehigh one.
I sometimes use the thesaurus because I have a bad memory and I sometimes cant remember a particular word I am trying to find, but otherwise I stayed away from using it, wanting my essay to sound more natural. I actually knew the word stint without the aid of the thesaurus and I am quite shocked to hear that it isn't as common as I thought it was. I am going to try to simplify though and hopefully it'll sound more flowing.
Thanks a bunch guys!
Jerry
First of all thank you for your critique, I do agree with you and will try to incorporate more of the challenge into the essay.
Otherwise I am really psyched that its good to go!
Nishitha
Thank you also for taking the time to critique my essays!
I have made suitable corrections to the Lafayette supplement and am currently in the process of fixing the Lehigh one.
I sometimes use the thesaurus because I have a bad memory and I sometimes cant remember a particular word I am trying to find, but otherwise I stayed away from using it, wanting my essay to sound more natural. I actually knew the word stint without the aid of the thesaurus and I am quite shocked to hear that it isn't as common as I thought it was. I am going to try to simplify though and hopefully it'll sound more flowing.
Thanks a bunch guys!
ZhoeK
Dec 19, 2011
Undergraduate / 'idyllic day by the lake' - - Emerson College Essay [7]
Ahh, well you could either re-write it but try to be more realistic in your expression. Failing that you could chose something else that fascinates you...
Ahh, well you could either re-write it but try to be more realistic in your expression. Failing that you could chose something else that fascinates you...
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / Stanford - "Intellectual Vitality." Writing about childhood experience with a globe. [4]
Hello Andrew
Brilliant! I absolutely cannot find a flaw with this essay, you have mastered the question in its entirety. You tied in the memory of the globe as a child fabulously with the question the prompt asked all while revealing interesting tidbits of your character throughout the course of the essay. The essay sounds realistic and down-to-earth.
My only critique really is not to use contractions as they make the essay less solid/detract from the essay. (in my opinion anyway)
Hope this helps!
Hello Andrew
Brilliant! I absolutely cannot find a flaw with this essay, you have mastered the question in its entirety. You tied in the memory of the globe as a child fabulously with the question the prompt asked all while revealing interesting tidbits of your character throughout the course of the essay. The essay sounds realistic and down-to-earth.
My only critique really is not to use contractions as they make the essay less solid/detract from the essay. (in my opinion anyway)
Hope this helps!
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The Nerds' - USC Engineering Supplement [5]
Sarah and Christine practically said everything that I would have said in a nutshell. I loved your essay, it was fun, unique and witty and amazing. I think you answered the prompt excellently and it also reveals a lot about your own character.
I would love if you took a look at my essays, if you could.
Sarah and Christine practically said everything that I would have said in a nutshell. I loved your essay, it was fun, unique and witty and amazing. I think you answered the prompt excellently and it also reveals a lot about your own character.
I would love if you took a look at my essays, if you could.
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Muslims are kind people' - a perspective I will contribute to Rice [4]
My internet crashed, so here's a continuation.
The second sentence and the last sentence can be tied into one, seems pretty redundant to me. Maybe:
Today I dodge the bullets people shoot at me and I am strong enough to handle their ignorance. Neither do their bullets wound me nor do I give them the satisfaction of letting their comments bother me.
(the second sentence still sounds sort of awkward to me)
I'veI havecome to learnlearnt over the years that it is not what people call me, but whathow I respond to thatit that defines me as a person.
Hope this helps!
My internet crashed, so here's a continuation.
they did not even commit
I didn't know w hat I was saying or doing
Today, I dodge these bullets that people shoot at me. I don't let these bullets wound me-affect me. I am strong enough to handle this ignorance. I do not let their comments affect me.
The second sentence and the last sentence can be tied into one, seems pretty redundant to me. Maybe:
Today I dodge the bullets people shoot at me and I am strong enough to handle their ignorance. Neither do their bullets wound me nor do I give them the satisfaction of letting their comments bother me.
(the second sentence still sounds sort of awkward to me)
Today, I don't let stereotypes bring me down, insteadbut I do feel sorry for the people who let it cloud their judgment.
Hope this helps!
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Muslims are kind people' - a perspective I will contribute to Rice [4]
I think you have answered the question well, and I agree partially with Vinson, only I think you should talk a little more on how your perspective of racism etc. will contribute to Rice.
Other things/mistakes I have noticed.
Also you should try to not use contractions as they detract a lot from essays.
I do not believe it's supposed to be 2011. I think it was 2009?
I think it is supposed to be I, not particularly sure.
awkwardly phrased.
I think you have answered the question well, and I agree partially with Vinson, only I think you should talk a little more on how your perspective of racism etc. will contribute to Rice.
Other things/mistakes I have noticed.
Also you should try to not use contractions as they detract a lot from essays.
September 11, 2011
I do not believe it's supposed to be 2011. I think it was 2009?
nothing, so I decided to
my mom and meI , so
I think it is supposed to be I, not particularly sure.
But instead of sadness, I began to feelfelt rage
I then did something I regret to this day.
awkwardly phrased.
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements [19]
I originally wanted to define them more personally but the word limit prevented me from embellishing too much.
& yes I am quite pessimistic, but I'll take what you said into consideration.
Thanks for your input!
I originally wanted to define them more personally but the word limit prevented me from embellishing too much.
& yes I am quite pessimistic, but I'll take what you said into consideration.
Thanks for your input!
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'communities of the modern era' - Lehigh University: equity and community [2]
Good day Theresa.
I think this is a very good supplement essay and I like the fact that you inter-correlated the definitions of equity and community to have one flowing and related essay.
I have no other corrections otherwise.
I am also applying to Lehigh and have also chosen this prompt, you could take a look at my version, though I don't believe its as interconnected nor eloquent as your was.
Hope this helps! Good job.
Good day Theresa.
I think this is a very good supplement essay and I like the fact that you inter-correlated the definitions of equity and community to have one flowing and related essay.
I have no other corrections otherwise.
I am also applying to Lehigh and have also chosen this prompt, you could take a look at my version, though I don't believe its as interconnected nor eloquent as your was.
Hope this helps! Good job.
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'idyllic day by the lake' - - Emerson College Essay [7]
Hey Jerry.
I am not a professional editor, but here goes.
Firstly, just curious was this a real experience of yours?
I think I understand the concept, that despite the challenges and difficulties that life may throw at you, never give up.
Pretty descriptive, and as a story it is okay. Back to my first question, if it was a real experience because it sounds a little exaggerated/embellished at some points.
Missing: As I stared at the snake, it curved up
Suggestion: Finally, I found a pathway and, as I stepped onto the road all my fears vanished!
Suggestion: I realized in that moment that life may throw difficult tasks at me, but there will always be a way out. My life in summation: "Never Give Up".
Hope this helps!
Hey Jerry.
I am not a professional editor, but here goes.
Firstly, just curious was this a real experience of yours?
I think I understand the concept, that despite the challenges and difficulties that life may throw at you, never give up.
Pretty descriptive, and as a story it is okay. Back to my first question, if it was a real experience because it sounds a little exaggerated/embellished at some points.
As I stared at the snake, curved up
Missing: As I stared at the snake, it curved up
Finally, I found a pathway; as I stepped onto the road, all my fears vanished.
Suggestion: Finally, I found a pathway and, as I stepped onto the road all my fears vanished!
I realized how life throws difficult tasks in front of me, but there are always a way out; this gives my life the title of "Never Give Up".
Suggestion: I realized in that moment that life may throw difficult tasks at me, but there will always be a way out. My life in summation: "Never Give Up".
Hope this helps!
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Blue, Gold, and FTR Spectrometers' - Why Notre Dame [5]
Hello there Kimberly.
I am not a professional editor but I'll give it a shot.
I like the basic drift of the essay, but I think you overuse 'it's' a lot in the first paragraph. I also agree with Agatha in regards to the heavy use of contractions.
How about:
It is the blue and gold paint splattered on the faces of students wearing "The Shirt" cheering wildly at football games, the extensive networks of alumni and, the verdant vegetation that sweep the edges of the breathtaking grotto, that have intensified my desire to attend Notre Dame.
Maybe:
in a setting that mirrors that of an experienced researcher's laboratory or in a setting that rivals an experienced researcher's laboratory.
(was sort of redundant)
I hope this helps.
Hello there Kimberly.
I am not a professional editor but I'll give it a shot.
I like the basic drift of the essay, but I think you overuse 'it's' a lot in the first paragraph. I also agree with Agatha in regards to the heavy use of contractions.
It's the blue and gold that's splattered on the cheering faces of Notre Dame students as they wear "The Shirt" to the football games. It's the extensive alumni network and the trees the sweep the edges of the breathtaking grotto. It's reasons like these that further intensify my desire to attend Notre Dame.
How about:
It is the blue and gold paint splattered on the faces of students wearing "The Shirt" cheering wildly at football games, the extensive networks of alumni and, the verdant vegetation that sweep the edges of the breathtaking grotto, that have intensified my desire to attend Notre Dame.
in a setting that mirrors the setting of an experienced researcher's laboratory
Maybe:
in a setting that mirrors that of an experienced researcher's laboratory or in a setting that rivals an experienced researcher's laboratory.
(was sort of redundant)
I hope this helps.
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements [19]
Hello there. I am new to Essay Forum and have been lurking , reading essays and giving critiques. I have a couple of supplement essays and I would love any form of critique of them. All opinions are welcome, harsh, moderate - I can take criticism. Also grammar help would be greatly appreciated. Here goes, these are my supplements for Lafayette College and Lehigh College respectively.
1. In 1777, at the age of 19, the Marquis de Lafayette left a life of privilege and prestige in France and sailed to America to fight for the American Revolution. His family motto guided his sense of adventure and reflects an attitude that pervades Lafayette College today: "Cur Non?" ("Why not?). Based on this motto, discuss a "Why not?" moment in your personal, academic, or social life. [1250 characters]
Grade ten marked the beginning of a new academic chapter as I was finally able to choose the subjects that I wanted to study. I soon realized that despite my tiny deliberation on the matter, I had chosen erroneously and had suffered the consequences of my rash decision. Subsequently, when it came to choosing subjects in grade twelve, I was profusely tentative. This time, I solicited the opinions of students who had already completed their first year of sixth form and could thoroughly advise me based on their experience. I was told that math is the hardest subject at the CAPE proficiency level and that failure is inevitable. When I heard this I was completely disheartened since maths is my favourite subject and I did not want a repeat of what happened the last time. Not one to shy away from challenges however, I decided to go for it. My risk paid off astronomically, as I am one of the few persons who, without taking extra classes managed to obtain a grade one (distinction) in CAPE Mathematics. Although it was not an effortless conquest, choosing math has been my most gratifying "Cur Non?" academic moment and has instilled in me an even deeper appreciation and love of advanced level mathematics.
2. Why are you interested in Lafayette? [500 characters]
I was instantly enthralled by the description a representative painted about Lafayette. After viewing virtual tours and images of the campus and its superb facilities I was elated that my expectations had been surpassed. Uncertain about my career, the remarkable liberal arts component and wide selection of academic courses and curricular activities appealed greatly to me. Additionally the intimate classroom setting and the authentic student relationships convinced me that Lafayette was for me.
1.What unique aspect of Lehigh most interests you? [1250 characters]
A particular desire of mine has always been to travel around the world to exciting places and to interact with people of different cultural persuasions. I am awfully curious to learn new and refreshing intakes on life as well as the fascinating cultural practices, traditions and languages of the myriads of civilizations that still exist in today's society. However I have always envisioned this project occurring later in my life after I have graduated from college but, as it turns out, it was closer to materializing than I could have ever anticipated. I was beyond ecstatic when I discovered that Lehigh has an annual International Week celebration where for a week I could 'travel' and experience a barrage of cultures during my four year stint at college. Additionally "The Bazaar" is coordinated where international culture and heritage (food, performances and traditional costumes) are displayed for everyone to enjoy. Every part of the campus from the dining halls to various organizations partakes in the festivity. I have garnered a high appreciation for sharing cultures as there is nowhere one can go without encountering diversification and I strongly believe that learning new cultures is a meaningful life experience.
2. In our ever-changing society, people have defined 'equity' and 'community' in many different ways. How do you define these terms and what are the implications of equity and community for our 21st society? [1250 characters]
Equity is the quality of being objective and impartial towards all involved parties in a situation regardless of personal biases. A community is a group of people who interact regularly, share a common culture and reside in a defined geographical area. As the 21st century tends towards capitalization, globalization and telecommunication, society is quick to assimilate, incorporating these practices in their everyday life. Nowadays there is significant importance on connections, 'it's not what you know, but who'. This new tradition of nepotism: favouring someone simply because of your relationship with them and not based off of merit, is exceedingly popular in the corporate world and education systems and, completely contradicts the concept of fair opportunities for everyone. Likewise, the term community has also changed drastically. Technology is used incessantly, lessening face-to-face interaction; communities are no longer based upon physical contact. As a result of the influence of capitalization, globalization and telecommunication, equity and community will soon be antiquated notions where the unfair treatment of certain members in society and face-to-face interaction between members in a community will deteriorate.
I know its a lot, I do not expect one person to criticize everything, but any help will do. Thanks for reading!
Hello there. I am new to Essay Forum and have been lurking , reading essays and giving critiques. I have a couple of supplement essays and I would love any form of critique of them. All opinions are welcome, harsh, moderate - I can take criticism. Also grammar help would be greatly appreciated. Here goes, these are my supplements for Lafayette College and Lehigh College respectively.
1. In 1777, at the age of 19, the Marquis de Lafayette left a life of privilege and prestige in France and sailed to America to fight for the American Revolution. His family motto guided his sense of adventure and reflects an attitude that pervades Lafayette College today: "Cur Non?" ("Why not?). Based on this motto, discuss a "Why not?" moment in your personal, academic, or social life. [1250 characters]
Grade ten marked the beginning of a new academic chapter as I was finally able to choose the subjects that I wanted to study. I soon realized that despite my tiny deliberation on the matter, I had chosen erroneously and had suffered the consequences of my rash decision. Subsequently, when it came to choosing subjects in grade twelve, I was profusely tentative. This time, I solicited the opinions of students who had already completed their first year of sixth form and could thoroughly advise me based on their experience. I was told that math is the hardest subject at the CAPE proficiency level and that failure is inevitable. When I heard this I was completely disheartened since maths is my favourite subject and I did not want a repeat of what happened the last time. Not one to shy away from challenges however, I decided to go for it. My risk paid off astronomically, as I am one of the few persons who, without taking extra classes managed to obtain a grade one (distinction) in CAPE Mathematics. Although it was not an effortless conquest, choosing math has been my most gratifying "Cur Non?" academic moment and has instilled in me an even deeper appreciation and love of advanced level mathematics.
2. Why are you interested in Lafayette? [500 characters]
I was instantly enthralled by the description a representative painted about Lafayette. After viewing virtual tours and images of the campus and its superb facilities I was elated that my expectations had been surpassed. Uncertain about my career, the remarkable liberal arts component and wide selection of academic courses and curricular activities appealed greatly to me. Additionally the intimate classroom setting and the authentic student relationships convinced me that Lafayette was for me.
1.What unique aspect of Lehigh most interests you? [1250 characters]
A particular desire of mine has always been to travel around the world to exciting places and to interact with people of different cultural persuasions. I am awfully curious to learn new and refreshing intakes on life as well as the fascinating cultural practices, traditions and languages of the myriads of civilizations that still exist in today's society. However I have always envisioned this project occurring later in my life after I have graduated from college but, as it turns out, it was closer to materializing than I could have ever anticipated. I was beyond ecstatic when I discovered that Lehigh has an annual International Week celebration where for a week I could 'travel' and experience a barrage of cultures during my four year stint at college. Additionally "The Bazaar" is coordinated where international culture and heritage (food, performances and traditional costumes) are displayed for everyone to enjoy. Every part of the campus from the dining halls to various organizations partakes in the festivity. I have garnered a high appreciation for sharing cultures as there is nowhere one can go without encountering diversification and I strongly believe that learning new cultures is a meaningful life experience.
2. In our ever-changing society, people have defined 'equity' and 'community' in many different ways. How do you define these terms and what are the implications of equity and community for our 21st society? [1250 characters]
Equity is the quality of being objective and impartial towards all involved parties in a situation regardless of personal biases. A community is a group of people who interact regularly, share a common culture and reside in a defined geographical area. As the 21st century tends towards capitalization, globalization and telecommunication, society is quick to assimilate, incorporating these practices in their everyday life. Nowadays there is significant importance on connections, 'it's not what you know, but who'. This new tradition of nepotism: favouring someone simply because of your relationship with them and not based off of merit, is exceedingly popular in the corporate world and education systems and, completely contradicts the concept of fair opportunities for everyone. Likewise, the term community has also changed drastically. Technology is used incessantly, lessening face-to-face interaction; communities are no longer based upon physical contact. As a result of the influence of capitalization, globalization and telecommunication, equity and community will soon be antiquated notions where the unfair treatment of certain members in society and face-to-face interaction between members in a community will deteriorate.
I know its a lot, I do not expect one person to criticize everything, but any help will do. Thanks for reading!
ZhoeK
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App Essay - The Last Supper [3]
Greetings and salutations Tya.
I am not a professional editor, but I will voice my opinions about your essay nonetheless and you can decide whether to comply of not.
Overall:
I believe that it is partially confusing, for you begin with french fries as your choice, but then you mention the three course meal and at the end you insert cupcakes, so I am a tad bit confused at to which meal did you chose, or if there was even a choice. In regards to whether your essay reveals anything about you, I think it reveals plenty about how your inner mind works and how you make decisions, so I think you have mastered that aspect well. Overall I like your concept but I think you should make your final decision of your last supper a little less confusing. I like the end with preposterous, it is pretty effective and if your choice is french fries or something equally unexpected, preposterous would be a suitable justification.
Also, I do not think you should use contractions in the body of the essay, you can leave that to the dialogue, it detracts.
This is sort of awkward and abrupt after the "I got it!". Could perhaps be "I proclaimed aloud, barely able to contain my excitement"
but I have learnt this is not always the case.
A lesson I have learnt and constantly forgotten:
I hope I have helped you in someway, good day.
Greetings and salutations Tya.
I am not a professional editor, but I will voice my opinions about your essay nonetheless and you can decide whether to comply of not.
Overall:
I believe that it is partially confusing, for you begin with french fries as your choice, but then you mention the three course meal and at the end you insert cupcakes, so I am a tad bit confused at to which meal did you chose, or if there was even a choice. In regards to whether your essay reveals anything about you, I think it reveals plenty about how your inner mind works and how you make decisions, so I think you have mastered that aspect well. Overall I like your concept but I think you should make your final decision of your last supper a little less confusing. I like the end with preposterous, it is pretty effective and if your choice is french fries or something equally unexpected, preposterous would be a suitable justification.
Also, I do not think you should use contractions in the body of the essay, you can leave that to the dialogue, it detracts.
Barely able to contain my excitement
This is sort of awkward and abrupt after the "I got it!". Could perhaps be "I proclaimed aloud, barely able to contain my excitement"
but I've learnt now that this is not the case
but I have learnt this is not always the case.
So, lesson constantly learned and forgotten:
A lesson I have learnt and constantly forgotten:
I hope I have helped you in someway, good day.
