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Posts by articuno
Joined: Dec 23, 2011
Last Post: Jan 3, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 16  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 17
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articuno   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Play-Doh to plato' - UChicago.. Play -Doh's prespective [8]

I guess in a way, that reminds me of what Plato says in his book The Republic.

But it could not be, he couldn't be referring to me too -- could he?

who had the original thought

He wrote that art was sort of fake; it was only a copy of the original. The person with the original idea was the only one who had the original, though every artist and builder is just copying what the original framework established. Then, well I guess I am just a copy of the original . I am only a source with which children can create what they see, but

I can see where you're going with it; how are the updates coming along? The idea, once completed, can definitely work!

If you can, review my UChicago essay as well! Thanks!
articuno   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / *WHO RUNS THE WORLD?* - TUFTS optional supplement essay [11]

Honestly, the approach is perfectly fine and is great! In terms of "celebrate," making a poem fits that description better than what most standard writing could accomplish. Needless to say, the poem illustrates a really quirky side to your love for biology, and I personally would remember this more than others I believe!

The only real critique I have is the flow of the poem; with such length words sometimes, maybe you could cut some? I read it out loud, and sometimes it was a little interesting to follow, so yeah that's it from me ^^.

Could you review my UChicago essay? It's due tonight :X.
articuno   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Between Living and Dreaming? Who knows? UChicago Essay! [9]

I liked most of the essay; clear succinct idea.

However here...

"People often think that because of the huge disparity between these two worlds, there is nothing that can exist in between; however, like an axel that connects two car wheels, this middle thing that is what links living and dreaming: the act of creating."

I would like to say that though you pointed out a difference about how dreams can be adventurous and wild while reality still intrigues you in certain subjects; it doesn't show a "huge disparity." Likely, the admissions committee will have essays that advocate that the two are actually rather similar. So I would be more specific on how while dreams can be a bit ridiculous, while many wouldn't even fathom the possibility, with effort and science (or something) they can come to reality. Or something along those lines which matches more what your essay says.
articuno   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'church has been the apple of my eye' MIT: How has your world shaped your dreams? [5]

Well to be specific, the whole problem with the fact that you're telling and not showing in this one is because there isn't development from experience prior. But then again, that may be because it has always been present :o While I do think the topic could work by throwing in some kind of revelation due to church, I agree that an alternative topic could have more options you could branch to.

(You pointed something out in an essay of mine and I've made a revision -- mind taking a look and offering your thoughts? ^^)
articuno   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'networks of neurons' / 'construction of edu' - What interests and Why Brown supplements [11]

Honestly, they were very good -- your words paint strong images of yourself. the only suggestion I would offer is that you could throw in a specific aspect of Brown in your first response that you would like to participate in. However, that's very optional because it could somewhat make the candid flow a little bumpy.
articuno   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I loved my church' - Common App MAIN [9]

I don't think so; the admissions committee should be able to tell what your main idea is through your writing ^^. Plus, the job a of "prompt" is for someone to give someone else some room to establish certain guidelines to a paper, while also giving room for them to write in it. Since you are the sole writer, it would be redundant for you to give yourself a prompt :P And a title is up to you -- Titles can certainly be nice touches!
articuno   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'polyphasic sleep' - MIT Biggest challenge [11]

This is what I think -- honestly, while I too am very interested in topics like these, trying to paraphrase these abstract ideas into such a small essay is a Herculean task. I would strongly suggest to focus on strictly the after effects of polyphasic sleep. With the little room you have at the end, listing out two other practices (very expansive ideas at that) that you branched to really thins your paper. In fact, I would recommend that you cut a little of the process of learning polyphasic sleep and put more how this affected you. After all, the EFFECTS on yourself and your REVELATIONS are the most important aspects of the paper.
articuno   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "I did not see the point in art" - Common App [2]

"instead, while rather plain and simple, yet it is one of the most inspiring paintings I have ever seen because I can relate to it. "

^ That's another little edit I missed. And no problem.
articuno   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'in the middle of a war zone' - Common App extra curricular essay [5]

I'll focus on content in this critique.

I would have to say that the warzone description of your experience playing basketball doesn't fit very well with the "expressions of laughter" that you talk about later. So that's a key thing to take a look at.

Another is that, the content may reflect a negative aspect in terms of achievement; a lot of colleges like ambitious kids and I know that they like diverse people as well, but they truly do want people that want to succeed. In this piece, you talk about a sport that you've had little achievement in and that a loss here is no big deal -- it would be a more profound story if it had been something you're accomplished in and then failure didn't strike you down. Get what I mean?

Still have about a week to think about it so best of luck! ^^

If you could, please take a look at the two essays in my signature; be thorough if you'd like to be, thanks!
articuno   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I loved my church' - Common App MAIN [9]

Very well written essay ^^. To answer your question, I would personally choose 3) Topic of your choice simply because it isn't a single experience nor an encounter; plus number three is simply a very safe bet all around haha.

If you could, could you take a look at my two listed Stanford essays? :0
articuno   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Marlow' - Common App- Character essay [10]

"He is practical, siding with neither party." I don't think "siding with neither party" is as "practical" as it is "neutral" -- the sentence isn't that important so just pointing that out, in case you want to make a change!

"was going unpunished for his lack of responsibility?" Did you on purposely put that question mark there? If so I think you should change it to: "Was Kurtz, although undeniably a remarkable man, going unpunished for his lack of responsibility?"

Those are the two main lil places I saw that could use editing but I liked the piece! ^^ Good luck!
articuno   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the psychology section' - Columbia University-what are your interests? [4]

I, honestly, didn't catch many grammatical mistakes at all haha. Content-wise I believe it is fine as they do explain your interests in psychology and biology. For improvement, I would suggest maybe mentioning a specific program at Columbia that could apply for either or both of your interests -- to personalize the essay for the specific college, y'know? ^^

Good luck! And thank you for the edit!
articuno   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "My Life, Passion, and Goal" Cornell University - School of Hotel Administration [4]

Content was fine and will be unique among candidates for sure -- you have strong background knowledge and you've communicated with specific agents from the school. If everything else is set for you, I would imagine this to be a very strong, favorable one for you. I would advise checking your paper for past and present tense issues, though.

If you could, could you review my Stanford PB&J Essay, listed below for me? Thanks! :D
articuno   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the peacefulness of my backyard' - What Matters and Why? "PB&J" [7]

C. What matters to you and why?

At the end of a tough week, I enjoy eating in the peacefulness of my backyard. I usually make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for myself. The sandwich is not too crunchy, nor soft, as my teeth melt into the bread. Proceeding to the peanut buttery goodness, I also reach the gush of luscious strawberry jam as the two unique, but complementary tastes intermingle. As I eat, my thoughts, like clouds that populated the sky overhead, begin populating my mind. It is in moments like these that I have learned to step back to appreciate the present as well as ponder and strategize for the future.

Modern thought has pushed people to believe that the future is where our eyes should be for it is the basket that holds our dreams, prospects, and goals. However at the same time, it is important to note that the ideal future we hope to manifest will not always be the actual future that surfaces. People are often running through their lives, desperately trying to grasp that future, working endlessly like androids. The future is unpredictable, and as conquering as the human spirit is, we must acknowledge that we can not completely tame it. Thus, I believe we should learn to sit back and embrace the now, and to use that time to effectively think how to approach such challenges; I know from experience that more creative, better quality ideas often surface. I also know that setting time in the week to think alone lets me understand myself better - unaffected by others' thoughts in a pristine environment. In those moments, the present gives us the leverage to procure a far better future.

The present is also when I can fully appreciate what is happening. You know that sandwich? I doubt most people would have thought it was that great - I make it with nothing fancy, but, at that moment, it is absolutely delectable. What matters to me? Taking the time to eat slowly matters to me; utilizing the now to experience and ponder the later matters to me; the present is what matters to me.


Thoughts?
articuno   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a four letter word' - Why Yale- 500 ch. essay [7]

the comfort of home

That phrasing seems kind of awkward -- would you agree? And the first sentence, I'm not exactly fully understanding why a large passion for English would interfere in the "comfort of home" at a college; could you explain and perhaps revise it to show what you mean more clearly?

And I do believe, you could go more personal than that; most of your writing is still talking about how impressive the college is. In fact, the english tidbit you threw in you kind of neglected afterwards. Link everything together and have everything flow.

Yale, however, is one of the few exceptions that have attracted me.

^ Sentences like this I feel are very redundant because obviously you are attracted to Yale, but what EXACTLY is it that really makes you fit into Yale?
articuno   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Personal Essay "Nomad", topic of your choice [8]

It's pretty powerful all around... And to address your semi-colons, I think they are needed to capture you experiences in succinct images that really show instead of tell the readers your experiences. It all seems to fit, and I was going to say you may want to cut down on the words just in case; I do believe the commonapp one is uploaded and not copied and pasted so you should be fine.

You show a really high level of writing; how long did it take you to write this piece?