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Posts by desertautumn
Joined: Dec 28, 2011
Last Post: Dec 29, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 11  


Displayed posts: 13
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desertautumn   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'high Calcium concentration' - JHU Supplement [9]

Thank you so much for all your efforts in editing my essay. I also greatly appreciate all your comments and suggestions. You guys have certainly relieved me from a lot of worries regarding my applications. I will now submit it.

I wish you all well on all of your applications! Happy New Year! :)

desertautumn   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / UIUC ESSAY #2 Interest/Experience [2]

I think you should stick to one or two significant events in your music life which really stood out like how you stick to one theme in music composition and then develop it. I'm suggesting on starting out with how you felt when you were going to play in your in your school's farewell party. Then go on about how cathartic music has become for you, together with its other impacts. Maybe even add some personal musical terms which are still familiar to those who are not so fond of music, just to add a personal touch. I know you want to convince them that you're the real deal, but I guess you can only share with them the essence of of how you see music.

Rock on!
All the best on your application.
Please, could you also help me with my essays. They're very similar to your questions.
desertautumn   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / intellectual engagement essay (for college app) [8]

Very well said, and I agree with 100% of what you've said. However, I also think you need to add at least one short concrete example as a personal touch. It could be about an experience which further reiterated your point, like a subject which you never liked so you had to cram all the facts before the test and then forget right after you went out of the house...something like that...

Please help me with my 2 essays, it would really be grateful if you do.
All the best on your application!
desertautumn   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Evaluate a signific. experience and it's affect on you - Bullies to Best Friends [10]

I think you've cohesively developed your plot, but it sounds like a simple casual conversation. It's all facts, there are no evidences or concrete examples. For example, how did you bully E? You could start by describing a scene of how you bullied E, then go on about how you met her, and finally, describing the impact of your bullying on E. Elaborate more on details. And because you're focusing on E, I think it fits in more with "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence."

All the best on your application :)
Could please you help me with mine, too? It will really mean a lot to me.
desertautumn   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'high Calcium concentration' - JHU Supplement [9]

Thank you so much for all the feedback! I really appreciate it.
I tried inserting the changes most of you have told me to put.
So, what do you guys think?
desertautumn   
Dec 29, 2011
Scholarship / Goal in life/medicine scholarship essay [2]

I think it's a very engaging story, just one suggestion:

Of course, I am still poor as dirt and paying for college is still impossible, hence any aid from any benevolent organization wouldto help me take one step closer to my life long quest would be much appreciated? or anyting else more suitable .
desertautumn   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement essay 2: "Freedom Writers" [4]

Okay, I tried changing the awkward bits. Here's my third version:

Movies are my guilty pleasure; I could watch them all day without getting bored. I watch films from various generations, nations, and genres---except horror. I think films are portals to different worlds, and they are also mirrors of the society, the people surrounding me, and me. I often have my reflection time while watching movies.

Freedom Writers is one my favorite movies of all time; it is about the lives of High School Students from Long Beach, California in 1994. In the movie, the students had to face so many adversities- every day for them was a constant struggle for survival; the streets served as their battlefields, and the gang had their allegiance. Although I barely cry in romantic films, I cried an ocean for this one. Some of my tears were caused by the students' loneliness and pain which pierced my heart, but most of my tears were caused by guilt. Yes, I was feeling remorseful for how ungrateful for my life I had been. It made me see how superficial my problems were, and how I absolutely had no right to complain: Biology overload is nothing compared to trying to fight for life every day. Furthermore, when every tinge of hope that they could ever have had shattered, they still dreamed; they still persevered. It lifted my spirits so much that it inspired me to stop being cynical in life.

Although movies only last from one to two hours, their impact to my life last for a lifetime.
desertautumn   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Kit Kats: Common Application Essay [10]

I agree with deremifri. I think that the last few sentences need some revision.
how about?
I'm done with trying common flavors; now, I'm ready for a taste of college, but until then, "One Green Tea Kit Kat, please." Forty down. Seventy-eight more to go.

Overall, I think you have successfully drawn your analogy between exploring new things in your life and trying out new kit kat flavors. Your essay makes me want to go try your kit kat challenge too :)

all the best for your application
and thanks for your helping me with mine
desertautumn   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement essay 2: "Freedom Writers" [4]

Tell us something about yourself or your interests that we wouldn't learn by looking at the rest of your application materials. (While you should still pay attention to sentence structure and grammar, your response is meant as a way for us to get to know you, rather than a formal essay.)

Movies are my guilty pleasure; I could watch them all day without getting bored. I watch films from various generations, nations, and genres---except horror. I think films are portals to different worlds, and they are also mirrors of the society, the people surrounding me, and me. I often have my reflection time while watching movies.

Freedom Writers is one my favorite movies of all time; it is about the lives of High School Students from Long Beach, California in 1994. Although I barely cry in Romantic Films,

I cried an ocean for this one. Some of my tears were caused by the students' loneliness and pain which pierced my heart, while most of my tears were caused by guilt. Yes, I was feeling remorseful for how ungrateful I had been of my life. It made me see how superficial my problems were, and how I absolutely have no right to complain: Biology overload is definitely nothing compared to trying to struggle to survive every day.

In the movie, the students faced so many adversities: every day was a constant struggle for survival, one step into the street and a gun is pointed on their head. Every single tinge of hope seemed to have shattered, nevertheless, they still dreamed; they persevered. It lifted my spirits, and it inspired me to stop being so cynical of life.

Although movies only last from one to two hours, their impact to my life last for a lifetime.

Hi, please tell me if it's too cheeky or if I chose the topic correctly...

Thank you :)
desertautumn   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'get calls from the hospital in the morning' - John's Hopkins Supplement essay [4]

I think you can further tell them about how you think JHU can benefit you...by doing so you can cut down the lines in describing your uncle and grandpa's working lives.

Overall you have demonstrated some solid evidences about your passion for biology. I wish you all the best for your application.
Could you please help me with my JHU supplement essay?
thanks :)
desertautumn   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Cliche image of kids holding hands under a rainbow - Yale Supplement [6]

I would go with the second one. Although you have demonstrated your firm writing technique and creativity on the first one, I think Yale will be more interested on the benefits that you can gain from them academically. I think that by elaborating on Breaker's work you can convince them further about your determination in studying Biology and how you think Yale can help you in achieving your goals.

I wish I was were better at understanding girls' feelings.

Thanks for helping me with my essay. :)
desertautumn   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / One Round - Common Application Significant Experience essay [5]

You have definitely captured that moment of your debating experience. I could feel your nervousness myself. However, I think that you should have used past tense, although I know that you wanted the moment to be as vivid as possible. It's a recollection of an event, so I think the past tense would be more suitable.
desertautumn   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'high Calcium concentration' - JHU Supplement [9]

Question: ïJohns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

I was about to grab the remote control to flick through other channels while my cartoon show was having a commercial break, however a strange illustration of a human's invisible outline with only his back bone showing appeared on the television screen. The person bended down and his back bone broke. Then a doctor appeared and explained everything that was happening. That was the first time I found out how milk with high Calcium concentration could be beneficial in reducing the risk of osteoporosis. I was four years old by then; although it didn't convince me to drink more milk or even become fonder of it, it elicited a spark of curiosity in me of Human Biology.

So, when I started going to school I became engaged in studying Sciences, and my favorite topic is the Circulatory System. I think it's partially because of how my grandfather died of a heart malfunction and how a close friend of mine had a hole in her heart when she was born. Thus, it made me seek for answers and explanations on why is Circulatory System so important. At first I only read my textbook and other online articles, however, upon reaching Year 10 I discovered through our Biology class that we could also perform experiments in order to investigate our inferences. I found it exhilarating when we had to write an investigatory paper about the effects of exercise on heart rate, because the answers were already presented before me through charts and graphs, I only had to interpret them. Likewise, when I took A-level Biology I learnt how we can also apply such methodical approach in explaining environmental phenomena by using Statistics and various research techniques. I thought it was like deciphering a secret code, and I love how we can combine Mathematics and Science in order to make sense of the world around us.
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