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Posts by janeth
Joined: Jan 1, 2012
Last Post: Jan 6, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 16  

From: Tanzania

Displayed posts: 19
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janeth   
Jan 6, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a Gay-Straight Alliance' - Extracurricular Activities [3]

i didn't really ctch on on how you were mistaken,but I think if you expanded on the fact that "they' were mistaken andd how you proceeded to correct them then that would add more depth..
janeth   
Jan 6, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Knowledge kept me under the stars' - BEREA ESSAY [4]

give us
1.An overview of your educational and life experiences;
2. What you plan to do upon completing your education;
3. Why you wish to return (or not return) to your home
country;
4. Description of ways you have positively impacted your

so this is for the first part, I would add up some three paraghraphs on primary and seconary education..so for a beggining is this okay..or shoulld i delve to academic start at primary school,though in a way i think it meaningful,bacause it gives them a depth into my character...HERE GOES

I was curious child. As my mum cooked, I would ask how charcoal burned, As my dad gardened, I would ask why the sand was brown. I would interrupt a prayer, to ask how God couldn't have a beginning. My parents were amused at first, but as my habit persisted, they found a way of deflecting my inquisitions. They bought me books...and forth my story began.

I embarked on adventures in Fables of Aesop, The bible, local folklore and fairy-tales. Knowledge kept me under the stars, trying to identify the Magi's, Mars, Jupiter or constellations. At seven, I mostly enjoyed but understood a little of what I read. I only grasped some facts like diversity of the world in communities like Greeks and Israelites, morals and some vocabulary in other languages. Still, it was this phase that left me with the most basic foundation of my life.I learned to seek out knowledge.
janeth   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Inspiraducation' - Emory Supplement [2]

intoduction essay two;more than as if on aircrash you could say a better fast drop decription and add unforeseeable destination after it
in essay two you haven't made your perspective clear...I would perhaps add that while bungee jumping everything remained the same,there is the fact that your views change fast..you are in skyscrapers now in minutes you are in cedars another you are in blocks .. maybe you are willing for an adventure this way,such that the changes and fast paced life does not faze you..in bunge jumping you find you are confident to face uncertain adventures

your style and grammar is nice though I would replace charming
i find a sentence in essay one wrong
Both arts and sciences charm me a lot, and for years I have learned in natural sciences...
maybe you should rephrase that.

please check my essays
janeth   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My sister and I were born in Morocco' - Letter of special circumstances for college [15]

HONESTLY, I think for what has impacted you...you can write a better essay.The essay is dry in a way, you don't really say anything outside your mother and common purdue endowments...this is what i think

so basically,
wanting security is Good, but it's not enough to make an excellent student..What specifically spurred you to engineering ,which event or role model or profitable project that is both interesting, educational and profitable...I think you should merge these. First tell us how your interest developed

secondly,Purdue knows it's qualities.They want to know now what you want out of their program!! it's a top engineering school..so maybe explian that since you came to US you hav e strived for the best education.You have studied in schools which are exceptional and you understand value of good education hence purdue's top engineering program.

So...you are a diverse student,is one of purdue's emphasis in diversity..If it is develop this from your point first..maybe you want to be an international engineer..say if you want to be a civil engineer,you hope to advance Morocco in building technology.Say,if Morroco is the doors Africa,you could be an international entrepreneur who is a door to africa's buildings development or whatever you can say in engineering language.

Tru a version in this format then I can edit it again.
janeth   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The strength of the Egyptian people' - Why journalism? Emerson supplement [2]

The strength of the Egyptian people and the opportunity of experiencing the victory and pride they have gained through revolutionizing and rebuilding themselves have led me to journalism . Learning to become an outspoken and skilled journalist will allow me to help not only Egyptians, but people all over the world reveal hidden oppression and celebrate historical triumphs . Being inspired by optimistic, action-based people, I have grown not only a desire, but a passion in studying the art of journalism and reporting the happenings of our global community . Through journalism, I will learn the technique and craft necessary to reach my reporting goals.

Blue are relatively good green are good

You lack moderation of sentences,short,long,medium,short etc.
You have experienced a very monumental event so you probably can explain it better. If i were you, i would start with sentence two, in short clips..at the time when the world wasn't aware.

then i will do sentence one...how journalism led to change by exposing such and atlast bring revolution.in this part you should introduce your action based people perhaps from cnn or something reporting the events.

afterwards explain the monumental changes,KEYWORD,Explain,tell us the economy is thriving,Human rights are observed and such
Finish by telling us the changes inspired you to bbe a journalist..because you saw effectiveness of journalism
ps;perhaps if you could reflect small part you did as an individual in the pre-revolution egypt that would put you in a good place

rewrite,i'll follow up
janeth   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / Colgate -VENE VIDI VICCI- DESTINATION TURKEY [10]

At Colgate we value global awareness and the diverse perspectives of our students. Through travel, students are able to experience different cultures and take advantage of new opportunities that can make our community richer when they return to campus. If you had the opportunity to travel anywhere in the world during your time at Colgate, where would you go, and why? (250 words maximum)

'Vene, vidi, vici'- 'I came, I saw, I conqured"- Julius Caesar
Civilization-Turkey, Divinity-Turkey, World War-Turkey...and the list continues. As a curious individual, the recurrence of turkey in my education and reads eventually sparked interest.
I came
For years, I literary travelled to Turk. Each swaying destination spurred another travel. Gobekli Tepe; a presumed Garden of Eden, Agri dagi;where Noah's ark landed to Istanbul, a capital where power transformations of legendary Roman empire are painted like a canvas on its architecture and history.

I saw
The reward of discovering Turkey is that its diversity is widespread that I and the world live it. I celebrate Christmas welcoming my celebrated hero, Santa Claus; a Myra birthed and lived citizen to my home. Our thriving beverage in Tanzania and the world was Turkey's original; coffee. As a Christian, I derive my identity from Antioch in Turkey, where we were first called Christian. Even writing was first done in Anatolia-Turkey on clay tablets. I write as Anatolians first did.

I will conquer
The varied and vivid Turkey is ambiguous to me. I'm caught in between extinct worlds and civilizations; such as Byzantine then Ottoman and present modernity. I yearn to experience the rich diversity of history and culture of people who passed, built civilizations or settled in it. Knowing Turkey mirrors the fact that it is a meeting point of Europe, Asia and Africa, with each Turkish origin I live, my passion to travel to Turkey grows. I am confident it is here I will merge the mélange that escapes me standing in Turkey's true form.
janeth   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / My Struggle with Autism -- Common App [8]

in mainstream and special classes which made others make fun of you?? As it is this places has placed the admission officer in your position,with the perfect uses of I.

The problems still persisted. I acted in a way enlighten them..SHOW DON'T TELL!! that would constantly irritate my classmates and even my usually tolerant teacher. I could not fit in with my mainstream peers, and they would always isolate me and make fun of me

PS;my journey feels so overused..trust me 7 out of 10 have uset it in their essays..give it a twist that is worth to make one continue

I'm sorry for the late reply was out..hope you haven't submitted
janeth   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'celebrate another year on this planet ' - (Creative prank) Caltech supplement [3]

ON YOUR EDITED VERSION

I think this should reflect on your funny side also..i like the moderation of sentences..you should have short,long,medium,short and all so i think you misses out on that in the edited version.

The 23rd of June is steadily approaching and though I am excited to celebrate another year on this planet I am also a bit anxious.

he 23rd of June is steadily approaching.(short) Although ,I am excited to celebrate another year on this planet i think celebrate another year of my existence would be nicer

although I'm excited to celebrate another year of my existence,I am also a bit anxious .(medium)
I am not anxious because of the added responsibilities that come attached to being a year older, but because of a pact I share with a few close friends of mine. feels wrong repetitive,ANXIOUS AND ANXIOUS..i think Alexxis did it beautifully,

the added responsibilities that come attached to being a year older contribute to my mixed feelings, a birthday pact between a few close friends of mine is the true source.(long)Reword it to fit the flow

Every time one of us becomes a year older ,just say birthday..that fits more...
the other members of the group (i think you loose the friendship here,i'd rather you use friendly terms) must egg the birthday person. Although it sounds simple and childish, (explain the fun part about it instead of simple and childish..i feel like this should go!) the exciting part of it is that it is a surprise when and where it will happen. Although most people would fear a disgusting outcome like this, my friends and I take great pride in making sure that special person remembers and enjoys every second of it.

We do not really know how or why this ridiculous idea was created ,(a no to admission officer,why not
This is a ridiculous idea.However one might say that something like this wasit was inevitable /bound to happen/only natural (feel more explanatory than inevitable!) because of the creative minds of intelligent high school students compiled with the constant desire to seek out enjoyment. Even though we irritate parents and school security officers, one must praise the amount of effort put into each egging. try to make it positive in the angle of amusement your parents and officers derive too,you don't want to sound annoying and rebellious
janeth   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / (power outage / the supplier / liberal education) - University of Southern Cali [4]

have you ever served a atudent from USC?? If you have,it would be a good base to explain that first hand you're aquinted with trojans...your interest in USC will seem common,although the part where you want to further your career is unique

I know the song..this kind of seems too matched up if you may,
wondering where you are,no one picking up the phone
it seems to be applying to you more if it's the vice president of production calling you, I'd rather if you were calling him to tell him the supplier wasn't picking up!

or if you were calling the supplier yourself then continue with the flow..
you know the show principle don't tell...why not continue that sentence with details in this statement like franctic chaos for tight deadlines, and the same for unpredenceted sucess??

As the President of my student-run company, i was responsible for managing my team through periods of unprecedented success and frantic chaos.
janeth   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a law to The Ministry of Magic' - Tufts Supplement [4]

the wickedest or most wicked???
and why not murder was not okay instead of not killing people was okay
in some way i get the fact that you are separating humans from wizards in the context you weren't
at what a wise man!how many times have we as humans,been called
i think we as humans should go
It's a beautiful topic it sure goes with the title..i'm not sure if your language is purposeful but if it is meant to be relaxed i think you pretty much did it.

PS;couldn't you ask them to take the new holiday bill(i think that's what they call an unpassed law) into consideration instead of thanking them??

I LOVE YOUR IDEA THOUGH VERY UNIQUE
janeth   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / THE BUSINESS BOOT CAMP -COMMONAPP EXPERIENCE THAT HAS SHAPED MY LIFE [8]

an experience that has shaped my life

THE INSPIRE AFRICA BUSINESS BOOT CAMP



I was experiencing my typical training session in the Inspire Africa project. Surrounded with cameras, yet another famed entrepreneur wholly captivated the east African cream in a business-minded tęte-ŕ-tęte; and occasionally lost me. I raised my hand up... again.

This was expected. I was among professionals, from a Rwandese CEO to a Kenyan consultant. Lessons of marketing or cost control were new to me and an occupation to them. A high school graduate at nineteen; I was "the spectacle". My success in the auditions dimmed. My confidence in waving the Tanzania underdogs' flag and my tourism business was crumpling. I was a weakening representative, watched by millions in a show similar to the Apprentice, with flair of local culture. Still, I wasn't deterred.

In delegation of roles, I chose risky, productive responsibilities. In the fruit selling task, it was negotiating. I plunged into the unfamiliar Owino open-air market. I squeezed between the sea of people to the fruit section. I chose a stand that displayed lush fruits coming into season. As the vendor briskly served her customers, I loudly complimented her dress. She gazed at me. I excitedly greeted "jebaleko nyabho". Evoking words from a guide, I bargained. With my amusing efforts I left with produce worth 82,000 less 48,000 Ugandan shillings. I'd mastered marketplace shopping, something so quintessentially Luganda. Since I recommended the cultural flavored brand, I lightly salted pineapples, as others packaged the fruits. Our group dynamics mirrored our sales. Gaston sang as I danced. We won by a 200% sale margin. I had engineered our success.

I tackled all projects, living the "Why" conundrum. Consequently, I made safe decisions. On the KCB bank task to create a loan-able proposal, I advised parking lots and big buses in Dar-es-salaam. We won owing to a stable security and solution to the transport problem. I also triumphed with unpopular decisions. Rwandair charged me to lead a route management consultancy. I chose Accra as the Sky interior's destination in the face of better cities. I relied on Ghana's security and our flight schedules in which departures molded into arriving times of air-traffic at Kigali and Kotoko airports.

Inspire Africa experience steeped me culturally. My teammates transformed me to an east African breed. Clairyce named me Ndagijimana in Rwandese and Ochanda taught me Luo. My experiences deepened with travel. In Kigali, a memorial centre transported me to genocide, opening the graves beneath me in films and displays of skulls. Still, my lesson was the daring spirit of a healing society through Omuganda- communal work. I led the Inspire Africa to join the Kimihurura residents in digging a trench. A spade struck down .The trench got deeper with my resolve to serve through service.

The exploration of careers has left me a better entrepreneur, and the unanswered questions, an interest in a business academic experience. I struggle my tongue around matoke with willingness to learn diversity. As the show airs I am a celebrated finalist representing hope of east African integration and gradual development of youth.

THE BUSIN
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