Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - "can I walk the walk?" [7]

Great, essays always get better as you shorten them. They become more compact and concentrated. You are a good writer, and it can only get better by taking words out. Some words can be taken out by changing sentences. For example:

I hear it again and again--the criticism, the degrading remarks, the negative feedback. Some people tell me that I have insufficient skill, while others tell me that I am a perfectionist who will never accomplish his goals. People set limitations on my life, but I am out to prove these skeptics wrong. I hold in my hands the vision of my future, and there's not a soul on this earth who can take that away from me. But how do I know the vision I have for myself will become reality? How can I be so positive that things will go as expected?

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / My life vs. my Chinese parents + an art class, UC Prompt Essays [4]

Here are some suggestions to help you:

Prompt one:

...neither of them could speak English correctly

...Helping the needy enabled me

The ways that Danny helped me with my struggles--by listening to me, by respecting the choices that I have made in my life, and by aiding me--have changed my entire outlook on the world.

This is a great story. How about if you write an opening sentence that tells the reader what truth this essay represents: You found success and satisfaction by helping others.

Prompt two:

congratulated me for the challenges that I had overcome.

Ahh, so the first essay was about coping with life's adversity by helping others and accepting God's help, and the second essay is about perseverance. For this second essay, I would like it if you add a sentence to the beginning: Perseverance enabled me to overcome my inhibitions and achieve successes that I once believed to be impossible.

Undergraduate / "I will always have a desire to help others." - UC Prompt 2 [5]

Oh, that is good advice that teenaxboee gave you. You should add a paragraph of reflection to the end, and then you should add a sentence to the first paragraph, too -- a sentence that prepares the reader for the truth at which you will arrive through reflection. You are more than half way done! Good luck!

:)

Kevin

Speeches / Physical Education (A Key in Establishing relationships) [4]

Oh, good luck with your speech!

I think you should start with a list of important points. "A Key in Establishing relationships" is an interesting topic. You should look on the Internet for Goleman's concept called emotional intelligence, and say something about that. You also might talk about the role of leadership in developing relationships. Maybe if you answer the questions below in complete paragraphs, you will have your speech already written!

How are relationships established in physical education?

What research studies have been conducted to show relationships develping during phys. ed. classes?

How does "scientific leadership" help to cultivate relationships?

What role does "emotional intelligence" play in the development of relationships during phys. ed?

What do you think are the most important considerations for phys. ed teachers responsible for promoting the development of relationships?

GOOD LUCK!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / what my dad has been preparing me for my whole life - UC prompt 1 [3]

This essay is going to make your father very happy. I hope you will show it to him! Here are my corrections. Good luck,

Kevin

After seventeen years, I began to see what my dad has been preparing me for throughout my whole life: To be an independent woman who can succeed and achieve her goals. My father has always been my idealistic role model. He is an intelligent man as well as a hard working person. No matter what mistakes I have made in life, he has always been there to help me and correct my wrongs. He wants the best life for me, the life toward which he strove but, because of his conditions as a foreigner, he had not actualized for himself. My father has definitely given me the ability to achieve the best and inspired me to keep a positive outlook in life.

Twenty years ago my father moved to the United States in search of reaching the American Dream; to succeed and achieve his goals. As a hard worker he had many jobs in order to earn enough money to live a calm life. Two years after he moved he met my mother and soon after I was born. In order to gain enough money to raise me, my father had to work two jobs and he rarely ever got enough rest. Soon enough my mom got pregnant again and sadly at the same time my dad lost his job. This is when times got rough and we all had to pick up card board boxes in order to earn a couple of dollars to pay our rent. Luckily, a couple of months later he was able to get a stable job and help my family and me earn a living.

Fifteen years later, I find myself having to succeed in life and I am aiming for the highest to make my father happy. All his fighting and restless nights was intended to enable me to attend school and become a smart young lady. Now that I have reached the time to apply for colleges I remember my dads words "never give up" and so I will not. I will make him as well as myself proud and will succeed and earn the life as well as career that he never could. I will definitely fight and strive for a perfect life, and it is all thanks to my father.

Writing Feedback / Polar bear essay - I could really use on what i've written so far [2]

Great! I made some minor changes below. It will be good if you have a good intro paragraph and then write one section for POP, one for over-hunting, and one for climate change. In the end, you can reflect on these three categories of threat ad compare them with one another. You can also include a section about what is being done to protect the bears. Good luck!!

Kevin

Polar bear are extremely vulnerable to certain pollutants. Persistent organic pollutants, such as pesticides and chemicals, are among the most problematic. Persistent organic pollutants, or POP's, represent a big problem to polar bears because POP's take years to biodegrade. This means that they will stay in the environment and affect polar bears for years to come. POPs also travel very fast from their source of origin. Even though these pollutants may have been used far away from the arctic, through long-range transport the pollutants reach the arctic quickly. (David Suzuki) They then reach the polar bears through the food chain because fish are the first to be affected by the pollutants, seals eat the fish and then polar bears eat the seals. By the time the pollutants reach the polar bears they are much more concentrated. POP's bond to fat molecules in the body of the polar bears and are stored in their organs. Studies have shown that POP's can cause baby polar bears to be born with both male and female reproductive organs, thus reducing their capability to reproduce. This will cause fewer polar bears to be born, which will in turn decrease the population of polar bears.

Over hunting is also becoming a large problem in polar bear regions. It is currently legal in Canada and Greenland for sport hunters to hunt polar bears. However in Russia, it is illegal to hunt polar bears and yet in 2002, over 250 polar bears were illegally hunted in Russia. Polar bears don't reproduce until they are much older which means that if hunters are hunting polar bears before the polar bears get a chance to reproduce, then even less polar bears will be born.

Undergraduate / "a pen that he could borrow" - UC promt#2 [3]

Hi Sam, you write beautifully now. You must have learned English well. I have only a few suggestions for change (see below). Maybe, at the end of the essay, you can add one more sentence about the kid that took your pencil! Cool essay.

Kevin

...I couldn't find the right words to say because I was not comfortable with the language yet. I did not always communicate well with the teacher, either, because I did not always understand her. I was too ashamed to look at my classmates.

One day, club members gathered to plan for the club carnival. However , we were not quite prepared.

Nevertheless , I weighed the possibility of being embarrassed personally against the possibility of my entire club being humiliated in public, and I decided to take action.

I suggested some other ideas and we finally found the solution from one of my suggestions. We decided to make special foods to sell. It was quite simple but also the considerable idea. I showed them working actively and they started follow my lead. I took responsibility for finishing up till late, and we could get great advantages from carnival. "Sam, you are our hero!" "You saved our club!" All members seemed to glad we were success. It allayed my cowardice of people in new country, and it also furthered my willingness to take participate progressively.

Undergraduate / "my focus was helping my classmate" - Kyle was born with a disability [2]

Hello! You probably should not use Kyle's real, full name, but instead just all him "Kyle."

How about a completely unique kind of personal satisfaction

By helping others, I gained a completely completely unique kind of personal satisfaction that cannot be found in other aspects of life; I am lucky to have had this opportunity to positively contribute to a disabled child's processes of life and learning at such a young age.

Great job, perhaps you can add one more paragraph and connect this learning experience with your intended major at this school to which you are applying.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / After the lunch bell, I quickly stepped outside of Calculus, anxious to head to the Tomb. [3]

Interesting essay, nie conclusion! It will help if you write a short introductory paragraph to get the reader ready for what is to come. I made many corrections below regarding sentences that start with the words "And," or "But" (conjunctions). I hope that my other corrections help, as well. For the most part, your writing can improve by

1. taking out the contractions
2. taking out unnecessary words, so that it is sleek and efficient.

I like your communication style!

Let's see, I recounted in my head, It's Monet interpretation, so I probably need some vivid color paint and a couple of pieces of sketch paper.

A cache of supplies that last year's seniors had left behind, the Tomb was where I headed almost every day for whatever I could not financially afford. Although I was virtually the only one who utilized the system, followed by others' suspicious glances, I did not care much about what others thought. Knowing that my mother's income definitely was insufficient for both the apartment rent and my would-be extravagant spending on art, the Tomb was a blessing from heaven above, a solution to my problems.

After a year in the art room, searching for whatever I needed for the assignment that day, my interest in art grew even more. This led me to apply to professional art programs. Ryman Arts, a tuition-free program, was one of them. Through Ryman, I was selected as two of the scholarship winners for the Idyllwild Arts summer program in 2007. In a way, both programs gave me hope and the tremendous opportunity to interact with other talented artists, teachers and students alike, and broaden my scope of learning. Listening to world-class lectures by prominent artists and discussing Salvador Dali under the sun in Idyllwild with people from England, Chicago, and New York, I opened my eyes to how art could affect people from all over the world.

My experiences of towering over the Tomb and attending such art programs ultimately helped shape my dream of becoming an animator. However, now I have a goal in life, not just a career: creating a charity for student artists who are less financially fortunate. As others' kindness has given me a chance to express myself in art, I want to be able to return the society's favor and help students like myself. In my opinion, the world can always use a couple more Tombs.