Writing Feedback / argumentative essay on technology...whether to stand with or against it [2]

I'm guessing you're going to write about how technological advancement signifies the decline of human morals? I couldn't really tell. I'm not sure how I'd argue for the decline of human and moral values myself, but you could argue that science (the basis of all technological advancement) now explains things that people used to rely on religion and spirituality for. Technological advancement also makes our lives really easy, so you could say that tech advancements undermine the value of hard work. Again, I don't know how I'd support the decline of human and moral values. I guess if you wanted to really get out there you could say that humans are slowly becoming technology themselves, but that seems crazy. As does the idea that technology weakens our moral values. If it were me, I'd support the position that tech is a sign of human advancement. Hope I've helped!

Undergraduate / "God is great, God is good, Prayer" - Why Brown? [5]

Any more suggestions? All help is really appreciated.

Undergraduate / *WHO RUNS THE WORLD?* - TUFTS optional supplement essay [11]

Sorry I haven't been able to reply! It looks like I'm too late BUT I wouldn't change a word of this essay :) great job! I'll check out your other thread now.

Undergraduate / 'Knowledge kept me under the stars' - BEREA ESSAY [4]

You've made a pretty powerful start. I would talk about primary school. I did the same thing in my essays, also feeling that they provided depth. You invoked great imagery as I was reading, well done!

Undergraduate / 'I indulge in silence' - my commapp [10]

This is a very interesting essay. I didn't think it was too abstract, if you were worried about that, but then I like to jump in and out and up and down in my own essays. I do think that you could make it a little stronger if you opened with you talking about shattering your mandible. Some things before that are unclear that would be immediately clear if they came after that. But this was really cool. I love the style of it.

Undergraduate / 'to the principal's office' - UNC essay [5]

Grammatically, the only mistake that stood out to me was putting periods after quotations. Periods always go on the inside of quotations in the US. "But be care not to fall into the stand-back-up-again cliche, there are a few moments when your essay boarders on that." I second this. The speech to yourself comes really close to cliche territory. I think you could improve it just be rewriting it as a reflection of your thoughts instead of as something you say aloud. Other than that, great essay!

Undergraduate / 'I boldly stood up for my brother' - pepperdine essay [2]

Grammar mistakes I noticed/Things I would change:

-should be "became an atheist" instead of "turned to an atheist." Readers might be confused and think you actually turned to an atheist.

-"cereal for every meal" instead of cereals
-"While attempting to block out my brother's sober, I've prayed what I have been praying over past 5 months." This sentence needs to be revised for clarity.

-"God. If you're there, SHOW YOURSELF" Add a period.
-My story has a happy ending. Something stirred up my heart and I boldly stood up for my brother. We were both kicked out of the house at 11:00 p.m. However, Mrs. Marcus lovingly took us into her house. In midst of these despondent years, I learned few lessons. Mrs. Marcus's unconditional love opened up my heart. Her willingness to invite two teenagers into her house and her devoted attention and love towards us slowly healed two scarred teenagers.

I would rearrange these sentences and add a sentence to introduce Mrs. Marcus.
-"Jesus brought back my smile that I've lost." to "Jesus brought back the smile that I'd lost."
-"Also, I want to heavily get involved in volunteering. Currently, I have more than 400 hours volunteer service hours. For me, it was not about numbers. It was about underprivileged kids I taught." I might delete all reference to the amount of hours you've done. It seems insincere even though you say it's not about the hours.

Other than that, great essay!
Good luck!

Undergraduate / "God is great, God is good, Prayer" - Why Brown? [5]

"God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for this food..." When I was a boy, I recited this prayer three times daily. Once it occurred to me that God probably didn't need to be reminded of how great He was, I quit. If God didn't know he was great after the hundreds of times I'd told Him, then He hadn't been paying attention. I'm not sure why, but writing an essay explaining to admissions officers why I'm right for their school reminds me of my childhood prayers. Brown is great, Brown is good, but why? In high school, I was always the kid to bend my counselor's arm for permission to register for unnecessary classes-just because they interested me. During my first year at community college, my head spun from all the new freedoms I was given, but noticeably absent was the freedom to take any course I wanted; I couldn't even wheedle my way into one. Brown's open curriculum prevents students from having these problems. The satisfactory/no credit system goes one step further by eliminating the stress of letter grading, encouraging students to take courses they otherwise might not. I honestly can't think of a reason why any devoted academic wouldn't apply to Brown. Brown is an anomaly in that it values an education more than the degree it supplies. There are a few universities with similar stances, but I can't picture myself anywhere but Brown. I usually reserved this spot in my prayers to explain why I deserved what I asked for. If I prayed today, I'd petition for acceptance to Brown. But it's been so long and I'm out of practice, and maybe lobbying one's own prayer requests has gone out of style. One thing I know is that I'm a fit for Brown. My heart and spirit have been with Brown all along, and now they're waiting for my body to catch up. I'll have to pray that it does.

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Thanks for your feedback! I took everything you said into consideration and made as many adjustments as I could without compromising what I was trying to say. My biggest problem is the 1800 character limit. I still went over! I'm at 1801 characters! I'll find something to cut. What do you think of the revisions I made?

Writing Feedback / Reading is an important thing in all humans life [3]

Your essay wouldn't be bad if you had a different prompt. Your prompt asked you to agree or disagree, but you showed all sides of the argument. It's impossible to tell whether or not you agree that people should only read non-fiction books. It's a good effort and once you understand the prompt, I'm sure you'll write a great essay!