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Posts by EF_Sean
Name: Writer
Joined: Dec 9, 2008
Last Post: Oct 30, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 3,491  
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From: Canada

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EF_Sean   
Oct 30, 2009
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: doing a part time job?(agree or disagree) [2]

The grammar here needs a lot of work. Two tips to get you started on your revisions:

1. Watch subject-verb agreement. This is actually fairly easy to do with a bit of practice. So, for instance:

"If a graduate wants to seize job opportunities and survive in the society"

2. Check your prepositions. This is quite difficult to master, even with a lot of practice. Reading a lot will help a bit, here. In any event, here's an example of a preposition problem:

"As a result, I agree with taking a part time job."
EF_Sean   
Oct 30, 2009
Book Reports / Shakespeare's Measure for Measure [9]

This essay reads a bit too much like a plot summary for my taste. And how do you prove your thesis, that there is no black and white, but only gray? Angelo is clearly doing something "black" when he tries to pressure Isabella into sleeping with him. That he has hitherto seemed "white" does not in fact make the blackness of his act fade to gray. For that matter, do you really think the audience is supposed to see Angelo's decision to have Claudio executed as "white"?

Also, you start off with a quote from the Duke:

"Hence shall we see,/ If power changes purpose, what our seemers be"

. Is it in fact power that corrupts Angelo? He doesn't seem to sentence Claudio initially out of anything but misguided zeal. Is Angelo's seeming morality merely a result instead of his never having met any serious temptation? It is easy to avoid sinning when one has never felt the urge to do anything sinful. Also, is Shakespeare trying to say that premarital sex between people who are in fact planning on getting married isn't really that big of sin? If not, what is he trying to say about it, since this is the issue you identify in your intro? I don't know if any of this really helps you, I'm afraid, but it does highlight your main problem, which is that you don't really get into the issue that deeply.
EF_Sean   
Oct 30, 2009
Writing Feedback / argumentative journal : "Being a Victim of American Popular Culture" -feedback [3]

Nowadays, American pop culture is preferred by almost people but for some reasons I dislike it.

First, who are these "almost people" you mention? Chimps? Second, you should list your reasons here in summary form.

When we are watching an American movie and the actress is a beautiful woman, with blonde hair, slim body, and fair-complexion, unconsiously, we think that being beautiful means we have to look like her.

Your example is okay, but, somewhat ironically, treated superficially. Go into more detail about this phenomenon.

For example, fashion, America known as the trend setter of it.

If you are going to go with "For example" here, why not give some actual examples of what you are talking about?

And so on. You need to add more detail and supporting evidence throughout. You have a good outline here, but it is not fleshed out enough for a full essay.
EF_Sean   
Oct 30, 2009
Essays / Pride in one's own heritage, and prejudice against others. [4]

I cannot brainstorm anything

Of course you can. Start by defining what it means to take pride in one's heritage, and what it means to have prejudice against others. Then, list all the examples of each that you can think of. Then, think about the items on the list. Do any of them overlap? If so, why did you put them in both categories. Also, ask yourself questions that might provoke promising lines of inquiry. For instance, is it really true that all cultures are equally good, as the prompt implies? We don't usually say this of individual values. A person who beats his wife is not viewed as holding to an equally good morally code as a person who treats his wife (and women in general) with respect. Should a culture that fosters the former behavior be treated equally to one that fosters the latter? And so on. As you think about how you would answer these questions, you will begin to get a sense of what you want to say about the topic.
EF_Sean   
Oct 30, 2009
Essays / CBEST exam topic ideas? [12]

Writing without thinking isn't that difficult. In fact, judging from many of the essays posted here, it is far easier to do than writing thoughtfully. Just start putting down your ideas, and trust that you will end up saying something intelligent. It will help if you have a lot of familiarity with the subject matter, so that you already have a pretty good idea of what you plan to say for any given topic.
EF_Sean   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Notre Dame's supp essay - minority [7]

The content, as I said before, is good. The language could use a bit of polishing. The phrases I quoted originally were just meant to give you an idea of the sorts of things you should fix as you go through the rest of the essay.
EF_Sean   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I taught them English and music' - essay about Volunteer work [6]

It is good to try building your vocabulary, but using a thesaurus isn't a great way to go about accomplishing that goal. A thesaurus is more for reminding you of synonyms you already know. Without context, you can't easily tell the connotations of any new words you see in a thesaurus, nor how they are usually used grammatically. Reading widely is a better approach to vocabulary building.
EF_Sean   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Essay - Culture, Family, Eniv. Influence [4]

What I meant was that even thought I may not be the most outspoken Puerto Rican, "I'm proud and I'm loud", doesn't mean I haven't faced discrimination because of my ethnicity or because of other personal traits beyond me being Puerto Rican.

But you don't actually say this in your essay. What you do say is this:

I never found the need to let the whole world know I'm Puerto Rican

And this:

I take pride in, not just my heritage, but more in not limiting myself to common conventions of Puerto Ricans.

And this:

I've dealt with discrimination and prejudice at an early age because I'm Puerto Rican.

Any one of these could be a thesis statement at the center of its own essay. However, you have no transitions, nor do your link the ideas or give any sense of how you want the reader to interpret the relationship between these ideas. Hence my comment about the essay seeming a bit random.
EF_Sean   
Oct 30, 2009
Writing Feedback / Should Euthanasia be legalized? [16]

You probably don't have to worry about tracking down the original at this point in your schooling. Citing the web site should be fine. Alternatively, you could look up the original source, get a copy, find the quote, then quote it yourself citing that source.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / "television programme production essay" Introduction feedback. [2]

blah blah

And that's the problem, right there. Your essay so far is vague and wordy, instead of specific and concise. As a result, it drags, and turns the reader off rather than catching his interest. I'm pretty sure your entire paragraph is simply saying something like this:

"Australian television is increasingly threatened by the growth of the American-dominated Internet as the main entertainment medium." That's still a vague, dull sentence, but at least it uses almost 100 fewer words to convey your point that your current paragraph.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Grammar, Usage / "peer WHO or peer THAT"? [3]

"I would rather learn among peers WHO are friendly"?

People are "who," everything else is "that." Peers are people, so "who" is the correct choice.

As to the second point, it depends. You'd have to post the essay for me to say for sure. Ask yourself whether or not the shift is done for a reason, and whether or not the reader is likely to go along with being included in your example.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Poetry / Sonnet help-I need to write two sonnets for my english class... [3]

I just totally don't get it...

Well, first, be aware that a sonnet is a particular poetic form, one that uses a set meter and rhyme scheme (which scheme depends on the type of sonnet). To make a poem fit such a strict form, poets may invert ordinary grammatical forms, and most good poets will not turn each line into a clause, as you do in your second post. If you try and read poems as if each line were a clause, you won't get very far. Instead, try writing some sonnets out in prose form, so that you lose the line breaks. Then read them, and try to make sense of them.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Family that likes pets' - is this a good MSU admissions essay [2]

Your writing style is too wordy and informal. You need to be more concise and use more appropriate diction for this essay to work for you. For instance,

"I come from a huge family that's if you include our pets."
"I come from a large family that keeps many pets."

"I've thought for some time now of what to major in and even though I've changed my mind I've come back to the thought of being a veterinarian every time I see my cats."

"My decision to train to become a veterinarian is reinforced every time I look at my cats."

And so on.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / take up the endangered animals' habitat - toefl essay [5]

Thanks for commending [this isn't the right word at all, btw] my essay. Canyou illustrate and correct some of my punctuation errors?sentence ,then correct it ?I kno w it causes much trouble for you, but I hope you will help me. Thanks

Space your punctuation the way I do in my posts. That will get you started.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I taught them English and music' - essay about Volunteer work [6]

My god! You've been mauled by a thesaurus! Try rewriting this using words you are comfortable with, then repost. While you're at it, get rid of your dangling modifiers and make sure you are using gerunds and infinitives in the right places.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

That sounds like an excellent topic. Why not start here: marketwatch.com/story/stocks-perform-better-when-congress-is -out-of-session. I think this shows that the markets react remarkably well to the notion of political stability.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

This is a very well-written paragraph. What a pity you didn't write it:

You: "Some of the rights and benefits for married couples that are denied to same sex couples include property rights, health care benefits, child custody, immigration, inheritance, and hospital visitation."

The website you copied it off of (pbs.org/newshour/bb/law/gay_marriage/states.html ): "The types of rights and benefits for married couples that are denied to same-sex couples include property rights, health care benefits, child custody, immigration, inheritance and hospital visitation."

This is not only plagiarism, it is stupid plagiarism of the easily detectable type, which is likely to get you a grade of 0 on the assignment and a reputation for academic dishonesty. You could have just cited this, you know, and still used it as a quote. Then you would have been engaging in good academic research.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Notre Dame's supp essay - minority [7]

because it functioned at the time i was born. but now, it's outdated.

But you need to explain why you think this, given how valuable you think it was in securing your own existence.

So maybe i should replace personal with physical?

That would help clear up the confusion, yes.

So i will just eliminate "even now". what do you think?

Try also adding some sort of time marker to the second part of your sentence. So, "but I began to realize there should be more to it" or something like that.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

Your essay is improving, and seems more focused, but you could strengthen it even further. What is your thesis? Figure that out, then stick a thesis statement at the very beginning of your essay. That will give you a reference point you can use to tighten the essay further.
EF_Sean   
Oct 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / Should Euthanasia be legalized? [16]

The quotation is what you put in the quotation marks. The citation is what you put after it to give due credit. Google "APA citation style" to find out how to do both the in-text citations and the reference page.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Research Papers / Science fair research paper - how to start/goal of? [8]

It's been even longer since I wrote one, so I can't give you a whole lot of advice here. You might try Googling "Science Fair Research Paper," though, as that will give you a list of sites that discuss what you should do in far more detail than you are likely to get in posts made here.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / I have to write an essay on both "The Storm" & The Story of an Hour" [3]

This is mostly a plot summary of "The Story of an Hour." You don't need to summarize the story, as it is quite short, and your teacher has undoubtedly already read it. Instead, you should decide what you want to say about the story, and then provide evidence in the form of quotations from the text to back up your points.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Essays / Relating Fear, The Uncanny, And Monstrosity [2]

In other words, avoid making blanket statements about literature in general. Instead, make specific statements about your story, backing up every point with at least one quotation that proves what you say. This is fairly standard practice, or ought to be, when writing a literary essay. If you write up a draft, you could post it here for more detailed feedback.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Undergraduate / track! ("I am able to do more") [3]

Your essay is definitely not horrible. My main suggestion would be that you elaborate more on the positive effects joining the track team has presumably had on your life. After all, you start out by linking your refusal to try out for sports to shyness, loneliness, and isolation. It would be nice to hear that joining the track team allowed you to make the friends you so desperately wanted (hopefully this was in fact the case). That's sort of the narrative you set the essay up for, anyway.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / Should Euthanasia be legalized? [16]

Start by putting the things you quote in quotation marks. As for the citations, you first need to find out what sort of citation style you are expected to use (MLA, APA, Harvard, Chicago, etc.). Your teacher should be able to tell you this. Then you can look up whatever style you need to use online.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Essay - Culture, Family, Eniv. Influence [4]

The essay seems to jump around a bit too randomly. You say you don't feel particularly compelled to flaunt your Puerto Rican-ness, then talk about how you have faced discrimination because of it, then discuss your family's background. Decide what you want your thesis to be, put it at the very start of your essay, then make sure all of your examples tie back to it clearly. Then repost for more feedback.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / take up the endangered animals' habitat - toefl essay [5]

Start by fixing up the punctuation. Note that the space comes *after* most punctuation marks, rather than before. The messed up punctuation you have at the moment is too distracting, so revise that first, then repost.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

This essay doesn't seem to have much of a point. You start off by admitting to not having handled a couple of biology-related situations very well, then switch to talking abruptly about a mock trial. Decide what you want this essay to say about you, then write an essay that shows that you possess whatever quality you picked.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Speeches / Does America Still Have Heroes? [28]

This thread has got a bit long, so I'll repeat, those of you writing on this topic need to start by defining what you mean by "hero." Is a man who wanted to test chemical weapons on Arab villages on the grounds it would help spread terror throughout Iraq a hero? How about one who believed that women shouldn't be allowed to get involved in politics, that Native Americans should be forcibly removed from their lands, and that blacks were inferior to whites? Or perhaps someone who had political dissidents jailed without trials? I am thinking, of course, of Winston Churchill, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln respectively, and these are three people the world would be quick to agree are heroes. So, what makes them worthy of that designation?
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "The world is a puzzle" - rutgers essay [5]

How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment?

So, this is the question you are supposed to be answering. Your narrative anecdote, while entertaining, doesn't seem to do this very well, though to your credit you do try to make it relevant at the very end of your essay. However, your actually answer to the first part of the question doesn't show up until your last paragraph, and it is this:

It will allow me to expand my education

A university will allow you to expand your education? Remarkable! You have to be able to come up with a better answer than this.

Your answer to the second part of the prompt also doesn't appear until the very end, and it is this:

I will bring knowledge of diversity that I have learned through my volunteer experiences, an attitude of acceptance, as well as a determination to succeed that will, hopefully, affect others.

This is a bit better, though it would have been nice if you had opened with this then told the volunteer story, but it is still very vague and boilerplate.

So, I'd suggest trying to come up with stronger answers to the prompt questions, putting those answers at the beginning of your essay, then using your anecdote to demonstrate the truth of those answers.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Research Papers / Linking research on Leadership Communication to an organization [2]

It sounds like you already have a very clear objective in mind. As for the plethora of "ideal situations," why not use your research to decide which one would be best for your particular organization, based on your own observations of your business environment?
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Notre Dame's supp essay - minority [7]

A very good essay content-wise. The grammar and style need polishing, though. Some of your phrasing makes it difficult to figure out your precise meaning. For instance:

I would never exist now without my minority identity according to a now outdated family planning policy that rescued me from being aborted.

If you owe your existence to a particular family planning policy, why do you say it is outdated?

Some students got word that I am a Muslim and they began to attack me. There was no personal threat,

Do you mean that they began to attack you verbally, but you did not feel physically threatened?

Even now, my motive of educating my friends about Chinese Muslim was merely to defend my own reputation, but there should be more to it.

"Even now" implies present tense, but "was" is past tense. Besides, isn't the point of your essay that you have moved beyond this narrow view of the matter?
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Illinois State admissions personal statement - 'I am unique among most people' [2]

I am unique among most people because I am able to excel in many areas.

How modest of you. I see the rest of the essay goes on in like vein. You are a great student who has lots of extracurricular activities to list on his application. The problem is, they can see how good of a student you are by looking at your transcript, and what else you are involved in by looking over the rest of your application. So, you are bragging needlessly. What do you want the admissions officers to know about you that they can't tell from the rest of the application? How can you show this through a narrative anecdote? Answer these questions, and try again. You should end up with a much stronger essay.
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "Very good job you bloody goat!" - Georgetown Essay [3]

Okay, maybe I'm missing something here, but why is your teacher referring to you as a bloody goat? I sort of expected the essay to explain that, given your opening. At the very least, it seemed like the start of an essay about how a particular teacher influenced you. While the essay is sort of about that, though, it isn't really the essay's main thrust. Perhaps you could forego the frame?
EF_Sean   
Oct 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / Restriction on how many years a teacher may teach same subject- CBEST [3]

"There is a great deal of controversy among educators whether or not teachers should be restricted to teaching the same subject or grades for a certain number of years." Isn't this the opposite of the proposition you are supposed to be debating?

"In general, the more experienced the teacher is the greater is the academic achievement of the children."

"Teachers become thoroughly familiar with the subject"
EF_Sean   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Weeks in China, born in Japan' -STANFORD supplement [5]

Select the text you want to quote. Then, click on the link marked "Quote" at the bottom of the box. If you don't see the link, try making sure Javascript is enable in your browser.

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