Writing Feedback / Social Networking - how does it affect us? Need third body paragraph and conclusion. [3]

I have to write a response essay and I did not complete my essay yet. I am stuck on the third body paragraph and conclusion. If you read my essay, feel free to jot down your ideal and recommendation for the third body paragraph and conclusion. Here is the topic:

I believe social networking technology has changed our lives for the better, but at a cost. Social networking tools have made it nearly effortless for me to keep in touch with friends, family and colleagues. I can know what's on their minds (MySpace), who else they know (Facebook/LinkedIn), and even what they are doing at this very moment (Twitter). On the other hand, I'm not sure I need to know any of that.

Below is my essay:

In the article " Is Social Networking Good for Society?", Steve Chazin states that social networking technology has affected our own life negatively. Nowadays, people can easily keep in touch with each other by MySpace, Twitter, and Facebook. Furthermore, we rarely disconnect the internet, and talk to each other in person. The author concludes that we are living dependently on "the power of the web." I agree with the author that social networking technology has tremendously affected our self esteem and academic performance negatively, and increased the number case of cyber bullying.

First of all, social networking technology has changed our self esteem negatively. Since most of the conversation are took place on Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace, the users of social networking technology are really concerned about public evaluations, such as physical appearance, romantic attraction, and friendliness. According to the article "How Facebook Affects Your Self-Esteem," Molly Clayton states that social media is "a hall of mirror for women who base their self worth on their looks." For instance, my friend Maria spend two hours making up, taking pictures, and uploading her pictures on Facebook pages every day. In school, she keeps checking her Facebook pages to read some comments about her beauty and suggestion for find dating mate. Moreover, the users of social networking technology tend to polish their profiles which make them look talented, unique, and attractive. Because they are afraid of losing face in front of their online friends and want to maintain a closed friendships, they are likely to exaggerate beyond the truth and invent some interesting details. For example, when my friend James was seven grade in the middle school Brooklyn Bridge, he usually lied about his grades on Facebook to attract other girls. Two months after the day he lied about his grade on Facebook, people tend to isolate him from others because of his lying.

People may argue that social networking technology helps college and high school students to finish some research projects, writing assignments, and presentations. However, social networking technology has many adverse effects on academic performance of students. Nowadays, social networking has become an addiction and decreased the concentration of adolescents. Many researchers believe that social networking technology such as Facebook can distract the learning concentration. According to a study by Rosen, 50 percent of middle school, high school and college students check Facebook at least once during 15 minutes of study. Since they keep checking Facebook, students usually ignore and easily lose the concentration on the lesson plan. If students keep the habit of checking Facebook during study, it will eventually become addiction. For instance, my friends Ben spent hours checking comments on Facebook pages during school since he was a high school student of Andrew P. Hill. Now, he still keeps that habit and finds it impossible to quit that habit. Furthermore, most of the users of social networking technology usually have low performance on school works. According to Aryn Karpinski's study of about 219 students, 148 students who have Facebook accounts studied about 1 to 5 hours and people who do not have Facebook accounts spend about 11 to 15 hours of study. In school, if students spend a great deal of time studying their materials, they will definitely get a better grade than those who do not spend time studying at all. From the study of Aryn Karpinski, we can conclude that students who have Facebook accounts have grade point average lower than those students who do not have Facebook accounts.

Finally and most important, social networking technology has increased the number case of cyber bullying. In the era of developing technology, teenagers are easily vulnerable to many cyber bullying. Most of the cyber bullying usually occur on social networking such as Tweeter and Facebook. Studies have shown that the number of cyber bullying has quadrupled on social networking in the past five years and is likely to increase in the next few years. According to the article "Cyber Bullying" from statisticbrain 52 percent of students in high school and middle school are the victims of cyber bullying.

Writing Feedback / Gay marriage should not be legalized because it destroys the meaning of family [3]

HI everyone, I need help on my argumentation essay. Here is the topic: "Should gay marriage be legalized ?" Feel free to jot down your ideal and emotions on my essay. If you come up some argues against my points, you can tell me to fix my essay. Just treat like your essay.

When I was 8th grade year in Sunnybrook Middle School, I was invited to a gay marriage of John and David. On May 1st, 2008, they began their wedding in the backyard of my family in the afternoon. They held hands, hugged, and kissed each other with tearful eyes during the whole time of their wedding. At ten o clock, I noticed parents of John and David who watched their wedding angrily in my Aunt Thai's house. They suddenly came over to my backyard, separated their hands, and yelled at their sons for their immoral marriage. After two month, John's family moved to Chicago so John and David could not see each other. Living in a harsh environment of Chicago, John quickly adapted to the fast pace of life and dated a girl name Marie. Now, I look back at John's life. I have realized that their parents are totally correct for preventing gay marriage. Gay marriage should not be legalized because gay marriage increases the chance of getting diseases, affects the children on academic performance and personalities, and destroys the meaning of family.

First of all, gay marriage increases the chance of getting diseases. Homosexual activities are the major causes of sexual transmission diseases such as HIV and AIDS, gonorrhea, hepatitis types B and C, and syphilis. According to a study done by Center for Disease Control in 1998, 54 percent of AIDS cases in America are homosexual men and 90 percent of HIV cases are gay. Moreover, in the article "Gay Culture Weigh Sense and Sexuality" written by Sheryl Gay Stolberg in 1997 of New York Times, young men have 50 percent chance of getting HIV by middle ages.

In addition to increase the chance of getting diseases, gay marriage affects the children on academic performance and personalities. Children living in homosexual family have lower academic performance than heterosexual family. In a study done by Rosenfeld, 9.5 percent of children raised in homosexual families have to repeat a grade while there are 7 percent of children raised in heterosexual families repeat a grade. Moreover, gay marriages affect the personalities of children. Researcher believes that children need both men and women to raise their talents instead of same sex parents. In the article Children Need a Mom and a Dad from orthodoxytoday.org, women support the physical and emotion needs of children while men encourage children to be independence and competitive. If a child lives in gay families, he or she will not find much love from mother. On the other hand, if a child lives in lesbian families, he or she will not find traits of competitive from father.

Finally, and most important, gay marriage destroys the meaning of family. According to the Webster dictionary, family can be explained in term of relationship duration and commitment. First, homosexual relationships just only last couple months rather than long term relationships of heterosexual marriage. In the article The Sexual Organization of the City written by sociologist Edward Laumann, he says that a normal gay relationship just only lasts six months and there are few couples which last more than two years. In another article Male and Female Homosexuality, Saghir and Robins conclude the average homosexual relationships usually last from two to three years. In addition to relationship duration, homosexual relationships are not faithful to each other's. Researchers point out that an average gay usually has a lot of partners in their lifetime. A study done by Bell and Weinberg shows that 43 percent of white gays had sex with 500 partners, and 28 percent of white gays slept with thousand partners.

Although there are many people say that banning gay marriage is an act of discrimination against homosexual couples, gay marriage should not be legalized because it destroys the meaning of family, affects the children on academic performance and personalities, and increases the chance of getting diseases. If people carefully consider many sexual transmission diseases which primarily affect the homosexual lifestyles, perhaps we will not lose some talented gays or lesbians. Since the homosexual activities are the major causes of death in homosexual couples, people should not allow gay marriage to be legalized.

Writing Feedback / 'Jared High and I used to be best friends' - bullying cause and effect essay [4]

This is my incomplete essay about the effect of bullying on the victims. This is just only 4 paragraphs because i did not finish the conclusion yet. Feel free to fix my essay and correct me as much as you can. I really appreciate for your help. Just treat it like your essay and you should point out the difference of correction as clearly as you can. Thanks in advance.

(indent)Jared High and I used to be best friends when we were in middle school. He was smart, talented, handsome, and active in school activities such as boy scouts and planting trees projects. He loved his family, had many pets such as cats and dogs, and went to church daily. During our 7th grade year together at Sunnybrook middle school, Jared endured and I witnessed much bullying from a boy named Brutus. The bullying tended to occur in the gym, where Brutus and his group would assault and rob Jared. Out of desperation, on the morning of September 29, 1998, Jared called his dad at work to say goodbye and shot himself, while his dad listened on the other end. Now, I look back at his tragic life and realize there are three major effects of bullying have on the victims: withdrawing from school, hurting physically, and changing emotionally.

Research Papers / Introduction for effect of bullying victims [3]

Jared and I used to be best friend when we were in middle school. When Jared and I turned 12 years old, Ben always bullied him in our middle school Sunnybrook. Ben and his group usually assaulted and robbed Jared whenever he was in gym. Feeling desperate to the everyday bullying, on the morning of September 29, 1998, Jared called his dad at work to say goodbye and shot himself instantly while he was talking to his dad. Now, I look back at his tragic life and realize there are three major effects of bullying: withdrawing school, hurting physically, and devastating emotionally.

I do not know how to start good introduction if anyone can come up with a better intro, please go ahead. Feel free to jot down comment and correction for it thanks.